DP cheated four years ago, just found out

[YorkshirePudPud]

Can you help me please, I feel utterly bewildered and broken. I found out last night that my DP cheated on me nearly four years ago. Apparently a drunken kiss on a lads holiday. I had suspected something at the time- he became Facebook friends with a girl after he returned from the trip. He denied it at the time, said that she was part of a group of girls that he and his friends had hung out with on the holiday, no more.

I brought it up randomly last night, I don't know why. Just an uneasiness that had crept up on me every so often that he'd not told me the truth. After being asked several times he finally admitted it, said it was a one off drunken mistake that he'd never told me about because it meant nothing to him and he didn't want to risk losing me over it.

I'm feeling...so hurt that he could cheat on me. It happened about nine months into our relationship, we'd just moved in together, extremely happy I thought. If he could cheat on me in such a lovely honeymoon phase of our relationship, what hope do I have during the really hard years of marriage when it's not all hearts and roses.

Also can't get over the fact that he kept in touch with her afterwards (via Facebook). I could almost get my head round a stupid drunken kiss that he felt hugely remorseful over afterwards and wanted to just forget about, but they were in contact afterwards by becoming Facebook friends and no doubt messaging each other. To me that shows no remorse for what he's done. I don't think anything physically happened when they got back (I remember from her Facebook profile at the time when I found out he was friends with her that she didn't live anywhere near us) but if anything that makes it more confusing that he kept in touch with her.

The lying. We are engaged, due to get married in six months (how sick it makes me feel to write that). Several times since we got engaged I've said that I want to go into married life with no secrets and that if there was anything he wanted to tell me, to tell me now. He's always looked me in the eye and sworn there was nothing to tell me. Who knows why he finally admitted it last night.

The trust. It is killing me that I have no way of knowing whether he slept with her, whether he's cheated on me other times. Is he someone that just casually cheats because he can? I don't know, of course I want to believe it was a stupid one off mistake years ago but it's tearing me up that I can't know that, and I've already naively believed for five years that he's always been faithful to me so how w

[YorkshirePudPud]

FrankSaysNo But why should I be the one fighting? He's the one who's put us in this situation, not me. Shouldn't he be the one trying to convince me that we should still be together.

And a drunken snog isn't the worst of my problems, it's about looking me in the eye and lying to my face for four years. It's about leaving me in a position four years down the line, six months before getting married, just after buying a house together, where I'm sat crying and questioning how far that night really went and whether he's done it since.

No I don't generally have trust issues, but I have a problem with the fact that DP kissed someone else (at best) just after he moved in with me and was supposedly head over heels in love with me. And if it was such a stupid mistake, why have contact with her afterwards? That doesn't seem like the behaviour of someone who has made a mistake that they regret and feel guilty about.

[ThePinkOcelot]

Frank, so you think it should just be brushed under the carpet?! The OP is wrong here?!

Sorry OP, you must be broken. Give yourself the weekend. Be kind to yourself and have a good think about the future you want. Do you think it was just a kiss or do you think more? You really need the whole truth. Good Luck

[Figster]

Im with Frank you seem very quick to give up on this. I dont see that a drunken kiss 4 years ago is worth throwing away your relationship for. You need to work on it telling him to get out of the house for the. Weekend will likely lead to you getting in a bigger state and escalate the Situation.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

You're the one thats going to come out the winner though. 50% of everything he's paid for. You've landed on your feet there and got a nice little nest egg to move on with.

Kind of warped Frank?

[YorkshirePudPud]

ThePinkOcelot I am broken and I really don't know whether it was just a kiss. I just don't know and it is killing me wondering and knowing that I will never know for sure.

Lots of cross posts, so thank you for everyone for being kind and thoughtful, even those who don't share the same view as me on this. I really appreciate it.

[angeltulips]

This really wouldn't bother me much given the length of time that's elapsed - people take different lengths of time to fall in love and he certainly wouldn't be the only person to behave badly in the early stages of a relationship that has subsequently flourished and deepened.

However, I'm not you. I do think it would be a shame to throw away what is otherwise (I'm assuming) a loving caring life partnership. But that's your call. As painful as it is, it might be a good idea just to postpone the wedding to take the pressure off.

Oh, and to the poster who suggested it'd all be worth it because you could nick off with 50% of the house value as your "nest egg" - what a disgusting thing to say.

Finally, for some light relief - re throwing engagement rings:

jezebel.com/5135639/rites-of-passage-throwing-your-engagement-ring-in-anger

The comments are as good as the article....

[FrankSaysNo]

I'm not being aggressive. If I were I would be accusatory. Feel free to to point to the bit in the forum rules where it says posters may only have sheep mentality opinions and I'll adopt the 'there, there, there' approach. Some of us have a little more life experience under our belts and I never type anything I wouldn't say to someone's face if asked for an opinion. I have not attacked nor slated the Op nor her partner. Projection and bloke bashing are not in my mandate. A true counsellor will ask questions and make the person find their own solution, which is generally how I type.

[MagnificentMaleficent]

On the plus side you always knew something was up, and if you haven't felt like this on any other occasion then there is a good to middling chance this was a one off.

I understand why you would be so worried that he could lie to your face without any apparent qualms. I would also be worried that he had got better at hiding stuff.

I'd want him to give me full access to his email, mobile etc. Not that I would use it more that if he doesn't want you to see his phone or his emails then that suggests there is more going on.

But then I'd be very suspicious it was just a kiss on a lads holiday.

Sorry OP I really feel for you.

[FolkGirl]

It's not the drunken kiss four years ago that the OP can't get past.

It's the four years of lying since. The four years of being oblivious to the fact he betrayed her. Four years of him 'chatting' with this girl behind her back. The discovery that the last four years weren't really how they seemed.

The actual snog is smallfry in comparison to that. I'm really surprised people don't get that. If anything, it's worse that it happened four years ago. Not better.

I actually could believe that he could go and have a "it just happened" drunken snog.

But I'm not sure I'd know enough about someone I had a drunken snog and nothing more with to be able to find them on FB, let alone have the inclination to send them a friend request...

[YorkshirePudPud]

angeltulips that did make me smile a little. Ring is somewhere on the landing. Guess I should retrieve it and at least put it somewhere safe for the time being.

Magnificient I already got the email password from him, he gave it to me straight away, and I'm sure I'll get slated by some for this but what the hell...I have already been through them all. Can't find anything incriminating. But aware that he could have easily just have deleted stuff at the time.

[MagnificentMaleficent]

I think the big issue is that he gave it to you straight away, far more promising imo. Has he given you access to his phone?

[FolkGirl]

Well it was a bit of a shitty comment about the house/money, Frank. Presumably, the OP didn't go into this relationship thinking she'd get half a house. Presumably, she thought she was with someone who loved and respected her.

It's not about 'bloke bashing' it's about someone saying "this person has crossed my boundaries" whether male or female.

[Rebecca2014]

The kiss wouldn't bother me so much but the adding her on facebook afterwards would have done! It shows he felt no remorse and if they lived nearer, whose to know if they would have met up again?

OP a lot of men cheat, loads of them do and couples can move on from cheating if both parties work at it. Yes you will never know if he slept with her but you need to let it go now, you need to take what he said as the truth and let go of your anger and hurt. Is he a cheater? who knows but I am sure if he does cheat again you would find out as now your eyes are wide open.

[FolkGirl]

I suppose the thing is, I wouldn't snog someone else behind my boyfriend's back.

But if I got really drunk and did, then I wouldn't want to tell him because it would mean nothing and he'd dump me for it. But then four years down the line when marriage is on the horizon, I might feel bad about going into the marriage with that secret.

When it first happened, and he first denied it, he had no way of knowing that 4 years later you'd be planning your wedding...

This is why it's just so much better if people don't do this kind of shit in the first place.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

So Frank face to face in rl with someone who is anxious beyond belief about her fiancé and questions their future together, you immediately scoff that financially they'll be in clover. Okay.


OP you are right to ask big questions if you are unhappy and unable to trust your partner.

[FolkGirl]

The kiss wouldn't bother me so much but the adding her on facebook afterwards would have done

I think that's it for me too.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think the mistrust has already tainted your relationship unfortunately. People are saying 'it's just a kiss' which is true. However, if I read it right you have not believed him when he said 'nothing happened' for four years. If you had believed him, you would never have asked the question again. So why didn't you believe him? I think that's the real question here. Was it his behaviour that made you keep going back to that question? Do you feel insecure in the relationship and have doubts? A combination of the two?

[DameEdnasBridesmaid]

I'm with frank on this. A drunken snog on a lads holiday is pretty tame. However as you were only 9 months into your relationship he may have thought better of confessing so as not to upset you and in cAse you dumped in. Once he'd denied anything happened he had backed himself into a corner.

I told a 'white lie' to my then DP at the beginning of our relationship because I was scared he wouldn't like it and leave me - a bit pathetic I know but I thought I was doing the right thing. Anyway he eventually found out a few years later and he was upset that I'd lied but eventually understood.

We don't all always do the right thing by someone's standards, some of us me just muddle through life as best we can.

If this is the worst thing that happens in your relationship then you will be lucky.

BTW she probably searched him out on fb and he accepted the request like a dick

[cerealqueen]

I din't think he'd have accepted her the facebook request if he had slept with her, surely it would just be a reminder of what he had done?

I would not throw away a relationship on the basis of a kiss so long ago.

However, your reaction seems very extreme so I'm wondering what else is going on here? Maybe you do just need to ask for his phone, access to emails etc to put your mind at rest.

[FrankSaysNo]

Donkey the op referred to money funnily enough he could potentially lose a lot more than I would. He has paid 99% of the money towards our house (earns a lot more money than me, also five years older so further into career and had savings, whereas I have a mediocre salary and lots of student debt) but we are joint owners, 50/50 share in the house.

I didn't say anything she hadn't already implied. Projection Donkey projection.

[PetulaGordino]

It doesn't matter whether the kiss itself is a big deal or not. The lying since then to direct questions is a big deal.

[penguinplease]

I have been here. I found out 3 yrs later by someone accidentally telling me something which made a niggling doubt come back and after a bit investigation I discovered the truth.
Kissing for me is also cheating. I may have got passed it but I wasn't given the option to decide.
I was and still am mortified, it almost made me feel like every bit of the relationship afterwards was a lie.

It was the end for me. The lies and lack of respect killed my trust.

Good luck op.

[farfallarocks]

A kiss 4 years ago on a drunken holiday?
Could you imagine ever doing something similar?
I would forgive him personally if everything else in the relationship is ok and you are otherwise happy.

His mistake was telling you.

[VodkaJelly]

I am sort of with Frank on this also. Dont get me wrong OP, I am not minimising your hurt, shock, anger and betrayed feelings at all, and if my DP confessed to a drunken snog not long after we had got together I would want his bollocks on a plate.. but you seem really resinged to throwing away an otherwise perfect relationship.

And as others have said OP, you have done nothing wrong, this is soley on your DP, but you do seem rather quick to end things.

If I was you I wouldnt be so quick to throw everything away based on a drunken snog 4 years ago.

i wish you luck OP on whatever you decide.

[gildedcage]

Sorry I haven't read the entire thread. Once your trust and respect (how can you respect someone who has lied openly to your face on more than a couple of occasions) has been broken it will tarnish everything.

I cannot advise you about staying or going, however having no trust, faith or respect for your partner is not a great start to a marriage. You will start to question whether you can even trust yourself. How much respect does he have for you? ?

Do not marry him if your heart isn't in it...even if it means cancelling the day before.