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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dating thread 77

999 replies

neiljames77 · 20/07/2014 03:26

Just got in from my holiday and saw that 76 was full.

OP posts:

dontcallmehon22 · 31/07/2014 07:42

Folk he does sound unable to compromise-,
His view of a relationship is bizarre.
Thinking of you today.

I hope Mr Teacher confirms arrangements for friends soon, but he's in regular text contact.

My friend has given me strict instructions.

Do not talk about your ex
No more than three drinks
End the date first.

The other thing I'm going to try and do is not reveal too much about myself too soon. I'm a naturally open and honest person, but I think people can use information against you. Plus sometimes they don't deserve to know anything about you. So I'll talk to you lot instead.

Minime85 · 31/07/2014 07:50

I agree with don't he does sound unable to compromise. I just don't get it either folk. Very strange turn of events.

Don't sounds like good advice from your friend, hope it goes well.

And giggly I say all that and I don't listen to me own advice for what it's worth! There are pics on Facebook of mr pof with his ex and it makes me very uncomfortable and I'm trying really hard to forget about them. Once you've seen them though it eats at you. That and yesterday he seemed a bit distant in texts and seemed to be delaying in replying. Or is that just my paranoid brain! (Goes back to text from rl friend that she took screen shots of to pull herself back together )

dontcallmehon22 · 31/07/2014 07:54

For friends? For Friday!

dippinmytoe · 31/07/2014 08:19

folk I can't believe what a twat he is... He does a very good job of convincing you (and us) that he is a fab guy , only to come out with this crap.... He will never be happy, however you have learnt so much about yourself out if this folk. so in one way something good has come out of it.
Re divorce.. do it... I am now divorced about 5 weeks and I really am a different person, the sense of closure and relief when the absolute is through is fab. I had a big impromptu party that night (I was expecting absolute a week later) it was fantastic , even tho a school night , all my friends came ... 20 bottles of champagne and god knows how many bottles of wine.. brilliant !!
I gave come off pof again !! it really is the same old faces... either ones that want to message forever or ones who want to get straight in to your knickers !! Plus I'm training for a marathon in September and don't have time free to meet guys , it will be quite nice to relax with the kids for the summer and not to be worrying about messages and texts.
giggly we all have pasts , I certainly won't be throwing away alot of cards from my exh etc as those are memories and a part of me , also when my kids are older they will want to see stuff .

minmooch · 31/07/2014 08:27

Folk I know that I am an amateur in all things OLD or just plain dating for that matter but listen to what he is telling you. He is telling you what sort of man he is and what he wants from his partner. If you only want a part time partner in your life then continue. If you want a partner who wants to be part of your whole life then dump him pronto. Do not waste your time or energy agonising over a man who has said what he has said. Raise your bar much higher and strive for what you want.

And do not go away with him this weekend. At the very least give yourself time to think over what he has said.

My friends and family are a huge part of my life, of who I am, if a man said he wanted nothing to do with either then he would no longer be part of my life.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. But listen to what you want. Listen to what he is offering and if the two are streets apart then no amount of time and energy is worth it.

Jarlin · 31/07/2014 08:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Minime85 · 31/07/2014 08:38

Minmooch I think that's in the running for advice of the day you are so right

Jarlin glad you are ok and been thinking of you. Hope you are having a lovely time. I hope you are right about mr pof (nervously smiles)

dontcallmehon22 · 31/07/2014 09:35

Someone posted this on my Facebook. Very true I thought.

FolkGirl · 31/07/2014 11:13

minmooch Thanks. That's exactly what I think. All i have going round in my head is "when someone tells you who they are, listen to them..."

I've emailed him. I'm kind of hoping his response is completely unreasonable, then it will be so much easier to walk away...

dippin you're right, I have learned so much about myself throughout this that I would never regret it. And I would have some fantastic memories.

dontcallmehon22 · 31/07/2014 14:02

Good luck folk. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

FolkGirl · 31/07/2014 16:06

Well he's replied.

He apologised if he's misrepresented himself regarding my friends.

He said he would rather see me on my own without other people being there.

He likes my children.

He's too old to spend any time doing things or with people if he doesn't want to.

He loves me and still wants a future with me.

But he's emailed me since complaining that I didn't reply immediately to the emails/texts he sent last night. Fucking cheek! Given that I often send him ones that don't get replied to at all! Even, and especially, slightly flirty/cheeky/saucy ones.

I think I can see where this is heading...

gooeycookie · 31/07/2014 16:37

Folk that's slightly different to what he said at first isn't it? The thing is, spending time around people you'd rather not is a part of life, we've all been there! You'll spend the rest of your relationship apologising for him if he takes this line...

Minime85 · 31/07/2014 17:02

Folk I think you should maybe go NC for a couple of days. Gather your thoughts on it all. I think if he doesn't like the fact you want to do that, then that will give u an answer anyway. Gosh what a mess he has made of what could have been so good

FolkGirl · 31/07/2014 17:04

I know...

mariposaazul · 31/07/2014 17:04

Folk - he likes yr children but he doesn't want to see them?
I can imagine yr time together is precious as there is not a lot of it - I'm not clear why it has to be only once per 2 weeks though? - as we become used as adults to having little time with increased responsibilities as well as friends & family that it strikes me as a rather teenage aspiration...or maybe it's that lovedup phase? - but then I'd expect him to be pressing for more time together....

FolkGirl · 31/07/2014 17:20

No, no, he's fine seeing my children. It's my brother he didn't want to meet.

He likes my children.

I suppose, the bottom line is, that it's every 2 weeks because I go to him whe the children are at their dads. And that's how it was at the beginning, that I spent my child free weekends with him and it suited me to get away from the home environment and I don't like to invite people into my home unless I know them well. After 9 months I think it would be appropriate for him to spend the occasional weekend night here and become more involved with my family. I wouldn't take my children over to his, they have their lives here.

But he won't travel to mine.

So every 2 weeks it stays...

When I type it that starkly...

wobblywilma · 31/07/2014 17:40

hi all - hope you don't mind me barging in like this (I often follow this tread and thought you are prob the best lot to advise me if possible!)

I would be so happy if you could share your views on my current situation and whether or not you think this guy likes me!

Met him over 2 months ago (sent him a message on fb - my friend knows him vaguely and said she thought we'd be good together). the message said he had caught my eye and knows my friend * etc. He replied saying would I like to meet a local café.

Since then we have met around 7 times (average one a week with a break of over 2 weeks in between). It has nearly always been his suggestions to meet in the day for lunch. He has been to my house twice for food but despite all these meetings nothing physical has happened!

We get on well (although his beauty makes me rather nervous!) however don't think much flirting has occurred. He is a very friendly person with everyone so I don't know if he is just being friendly or likes me more.

I got fed up with it all a few weeks ago and stopped contacting him. over 2 weeks went by then all of a sudden i get a text asking if im free for breakfast! I said I wasn't (in a polite way) and he asked when I was free.

He seems very reluctant to meet in the evenings although we did once to watch the football (the dog sat in between us so again nothing happened!).

I asked him if he wanted to come over to watch a film he said yes thatd be nice, so I thought 'right I'm going to broach the subject' but then get text today saying he cant make it now would i like to go for a walk in daytime instead! :@ argh!

so flaky! what do you reckon is going on? i really like him but he is not giving me a chance to make a move.

thank you in advance .

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 31/07/2014 17:53

Hmmm, wilma could he already be with someone?

wobblywilma · 31/07/2014 18:03

hi mychilddoesntsleep (mine neither!) : he mentioned early on that he had been casually seeing someone but jst sex basically. he hangs out in a lot of social circles thayt i do so it would be easy to find out if he was already with someone i think. thing is, why would he bother (considering theres no physical action going on!) to still meet me if he is with someone else?

louby44 · 31/07/2014 18:56

wobbly if he was interested in you he would have made a move by now! 2 months/7 dates and no flirting, touching, kissing ????

I'd say cut your losses and move on. Maybe he's friend material and that's it??

Sorry

wobblywilma · 31/07/2014 19:10

thanks louby, need to hear the truth - its driving me round the bend! that's why i decided to stop talking to him before, but then he got back in touch and its confused me again.
true been a long time with no moves made (however i haven't made a move on him either and I DO really fancy him!)

I'm pretty sure theres been no flirting (although im rubbish at noticing that type of thing). im sure he gave me a bit of a look over his wine glass the other day but i got nervous and looked away . or maybe I'd just like to think he did.

Original poster

neiljames77 · 31/07/2014 19:56

So when we behave like a gentleman and don't try it on, something must be wrong............but when we DO try it on.........it means we're only after one thing!!!!!

5.kicksonfire.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/113.gif

OP posts:

Minime85 · 31/07/2014 19:59

Will a sounds like friend material to me.

Mr pof has sat through my dcs being mega hyper and jumping all over him tonight! I think I'm in love

wobblywilma · 31/07/2014 20:52

haha Neil very true ! do you think theres a chance he IS interested then? although mini i think could be right, i may well have been friend zoned! although i dont see my actual friends as regularly as i see him!

mini that is nice to hear about.your bloke , glad going well for you :)

BeforeAndAfter · 31/07/2014 20:57

Folk

The way I see it, whether he intended to or not, he has laid the foundations of you feeling guilty and wary should you dare to ask him/want to ask him to join you for a family get together, a night out with friends, or any other 'normal' activity that a couple would want to do together. He has also created the perfect 'get out of jail free clause' as you cannot ever get upset about him refusing to join you because he always made it clear to you that he didn't 'do' friends and family (unless it suits him). This is not normal, in any way shape or form.

I know your fears and worries but I will say this anyway - for me this is controlling - it's subtle but, to my mind, it is controlling because you will always modify the things you say and the way you behave going forward. If it really is not controlling behaviour and he is just a selfish arse then I do think you are not compatible in terms of a long term relationship - sorry to be so blunt.

The way I see it your 'future' with him is going to his place every two weeks and not daring to suggest anything that involves your 'people'. He let the genie out of the lamp by declaring his 'deep and sincere' love for you (I think those were his words) but actions speak louder than words and someone on this thread once said that love is about actions not words. Increasingly, I think they were very right.

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