Who's Desperate and Awful Now....Story of My Divorce from Mr WT...Part 2....

[MrsC1969HJ]

Having reached a 1000 posts, I can hardly believe we are moving onto Thread 2...I have had the most amazing ongoing support from so many and I will always be eternally grateful. Link to Thread 1 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2030270-PLEASE-HELP-DESPERATE-AND-AWFUL-DIVORCE?

[magoria]

If he is nice to you, you may suddenly start to doubt all the shit and crap.

Simple tactic used by many if not all abusers. Be nasty then nice so the person is relieved and doesn't up and run.

As you can see from the deluge of emails it didn't last long! Thankfully.

[MrsC1969HJ]

Hi everybody, thanks so much for comments. I think that the reason he is stating he never lived at my house is because it was "my" money that paid for the new house, my money that paid for the wedding etc. He is trying to disassociate himself. It's all easily provable so I am not really sure what he thinks he stands to gain. Again with the mobile phone fraud, does he think the police took my word for it?! They only got away with prosecution as it was such a small amount, but their names, addresses and dates of birth are registered as perpetrators of fraud. Why does Mr WT think I would take out a new contract for my daughter and continue to pay for the other one?

Anyway, the Police came, said they would speak to him about emails but were limited to what they could do with social media, which surprised me a bit to be honest. I have yet to hear back with my crime number. Have had SS on the phone too, another referral after the last visit. She was quite shocked at the story and was going to refer to colleagues, still waiting to hear. Mr WT tells me he is still sending "everything" to Cafcass and other organisations. He also tells me that it is "clear" I haven't "got over everything yet" and am "clearly unstable". Funny isn't it? OW moves a married man in five months after her husband's funeral, I find it difficult to come to terms with what's happening, yet I am the weird one?! I wish we could do everything through solicitors but that isn't an option for me. I am looking at a non-mol. Mr WT also told me that his solicitor (no details yet) has told him a custody application will take upwards of 11 months. He has also stated that he has taken out a loan to pay for it. So, can take out a loan, pay for a pilots licence but can't pay maintenance or his own feckin' mortgage....never mind concerning himself with the welfare of our son, emotional or otherwise!

Noticed today that OW has been looking at my LinkedIn profile. Odd. It tells you when people look at it. Making her presence felt I guess, a bit like the hand written notes I get pretending to be Mr WT...in her writing. Last night I had some quite emotional texts from Mr WT about contact. Had planned to offer him to see DS tomorrow at a playcentre but he stated that he would no longer accept emails and only answer via snail mail. It is odd. I have no idea what he's doing. Those two are a total car crash, they really are. My poor boy right in the middle of it :-(.

[pointythings]

MrsM I think you are going to have to prepare yourself for the fact that you will spend a long time arranging contact between Mr WT and your DS through a contact centre, or at the very least supervised contact. It is so very clear that he is not fit to have unsupervised contact.

I wonder whether contact with this man will be good for your DS at all in the long run - I suspect not - but until he is of an age to decide for himself, you will have to bear the brunt of it all. I really feel for you.

I hope your court date comes soon and that the metaphorical door can begin to slam on the metaphorical dick.

[MrsC1969HJ]

Across, I forgot to say, yes I have checked DD's email...it's all clear. I don't think he'd dare now, it would be very risky to do something like that under the current circumstances. I have got a neighbour who could/would/has in the past checked my mail, luckily it's been quiet today but if I feel a stress coming on I will ask her. So, only 3 days to go...scared to death :-(

[MrsC1969HJ]

Pointy...thank you my love, I wish for that too. However, the likely scenario is that he would be awarded contact and possibly even overnights. Although I would fight tooth and nail over that. I don't think DS would cope and as my ex has so little experience with him and and how he is, I think it would be a very bad thing all round. I do think he is kidding himself with the "custody" thing. I have always tried to do the right thing for my kids, even the difficult decisions, I hope a court would see that. Mr WT is fighting against supervised contact...and actually doesn't seem to realise that he really should see him via any means possible, not just refuse because it isn't on his terms. I will just have to wait and see what happens. God knows how long this will take, I have enough stress with the current case...running two concurrently would be a nightmare. However, needs must while the devil drives as they say....!

[WellWhoKnew]

Hey Mrs C. I know you're bricking it about three day's time but keep cool and keep focused on the objectives. Write a list of what you need to achieve at FDA, which are namely getting him (and you to agree on procedural matters). Everything needs a date and a time on it.

1. to get the missing credit card statement by X date, and X time.
   
2. A formal open offer in writing (if you can, we had no luck there)
   
3. what he says he can afford to pay via periodical payments and when. (We refused to discuss this as it's already court-ordered) and when it is to be back-dated to, and when the amount (backdated) can be paid in full by. Also the date of the on-going periodical payments. [You may not get away with this because technically it should be a separate court action. But worth a try]
   
4. When and how he should contact you (and you him) and what can and cannot be discussed between you.
   
5. Which questions on the questionnaire he must answer and when by
   
6. When the schedule of deficiencies must be answered (date and time)
   
7. When the narrative statement must be submitted and when.
   
8. When he must submit evidence to explain how he can afford the £8,500 pilots course.
   
9. When to file and serve updated disclosure of bank accounts and statements by X time on, e.g. mine says 7 days before FDR hearing (which I'm not now having so it's before FH)
   
10. Mine also states that I will file and serve the wasted costs order by X date, the application for costs by X date.
    
11. The date of the Final Hearing (or in your case the FDR) which is agreed by the judge.
    
    Then get the wording for the penal notice (I can send it on if you need it). Both sign it and go home. Don't worry if you can't agree anything beyond the minimum because that's what the FDR is for.
    
    So as you know, all I wanted to achieve was getting him to agree to release some vitally needed funds. We had no intention of settling anything that day because of the lack of information in form E v4! All he wanted was to be master of the universe. A few minor issues were agreed to by me but no major ones were (e.g. a review of the spousal maintanence).
    
    FDA is literally a quick visit to the judge to explain what the issues are with regard to Form E, he will send you away to agree to undertakings and to write them out in a way that you both agree to. No doubt Mr WT will come with a load of decrees for you - but you don't have to agree to anything if it is not reasonable.
    
    Don't let him push your buttons. Don't let him go over old arguments, this is just a stage to get him to commit to the divorce process. If he doesn't agree, you go to the judge and the judge will order it. Then do the next point. And repeat.
    
    For example STBXH came only prepared to discuss SM. We said no. He pushed it, and SHB explained that in percentage terms, this was one of the lowest SM she had ever gotten for a client. The client was in dire financial straights, and had he disclosed this intention prior to FDA, the client could have brought with her the evidence of her financial distress. The client didn't so it cannot be reviewed. The judge agreed with my SHB that I had already satisfied the court with my SM request, and as such the FDA could not be treated as an appeal. If he wanted to appeal, then he should do so using the correct procedure (e.g. a notice in time). He didn't.
    
    If it is reasonable, don't be stubborn because the judge will just order it anyway.
    
    The children's bit is a separate application and so don't worry about that for now. Just focus on the FDA and getting the answers to the questionnaire ordered by the court.
    
    Ring me if you want any help all. I'm out of the home tomorrow afternoon, and Weds afternoon. But I promise you, you'll be okay if you focus on getting what you need from the FDA and not getting distracted by his fuckwittery. Now is the time to be cool and ruthless!
    
    Good luck - I know you'll be marvellous.

[MrsC1969HJ]

WWK...thank you my darling, I am finishing off stuff tonight in readiness and am so grateful for your ongoing help and support, legal and otherwise. Have been blindsided today by an application from the court for contact. First hearing in November. He has included very many emails and letters from me where I was raising concerns and indeed has put outright lies on the application. Yet another thing for me to deal with. Am feeling very deflated tonight :-(. Would be grateful to hear from anybody else who has been through this or has experience of CAFCASS :-(

[WellWhoKnew]

Do you want to chat? Give us a call, I was going to go out but I've got to be elsewhere at 6am so not going out now. Divorce sucks. Also have incoming fuckwittery to piss me off so could do with a moan....

[AcrossthePond55]

So glad you two are able to support each other! You both have experiences that the other can learn from!

Strength and happiness to you both!

[MrsC1969HJ]

Across, WWK has been amazing, such a huge support :-).

So, an update. Yesterday we had our first hearing at Court. Mr WT was late, that didn't go down well. Judge was very intimidating but very fair I thought. I think I presented myself properly and he gave me all the orders I asked for. He was also extremely irritated by Mr WT's evasiveness and failure to substantiate what he was saying. Mr WT didn't look at me at all, not once, no eye contact. He has 14 days to comply with full disclosure and then a further hearing to narrow issues. I think the look on Mr WT's face when he was told he had to disclose business bank statements said it all. He tried everything to avoid it, citing limited company information, data protection. It was ridiculous. Whatever he is hiding is now going to come out (long long affair I suspect). OW's husband is in the local this week, an article about the accident. Unwanted attention for them I would have thought. Today is one year to the day he left me. To think that this time last year I was on my knees with pain and grief. I am not sure how I feel today. I don't really feel anything. He looked awful yesterday, old, very overweight, awful hair. Strange to see.

So next week I have to deal with the child application. I think he may have already prejudiced his own case by sending reams of personal correspondence between us to the court and CAFCASS. I would have thought that was a mistake. I will have to wait and see. One day, things will be normal again! Thank you all for ongoing support, I am so grateful!

[AcrossthePond55]

Ha!! Just as I predicted in thread #1. He strutted walked into court and expected Mr Justice ('M'lud, I'm nowt but a simple workingman!') to simply obey his commands. Doesn't quite work that way, does it, Mr WT? It would have been worth the airfare, hotel, etc just to fly over to see it. Not exactly a 'tourist attraction', but worth it just the same.

Hmm, I wonder if the niceness that happened recently to all and sundry had anything to do with the article. I'm sure OW knew it was coming and perhaps was trying to do 'damage control' because she knew he would be in people's minds and they would be reminded of how swiftly she 'moved on'. Hmmm, either that or he was buttering up former customers because of what he knows his business records will reveal as far as 'shady dealings'!

How far you've come!!! I think you need some and lots of . Then put Gloria Gaynor's "I will Survive" on real loud and dance around the living room. But change the chorus to "I HAVE SurvivED"!!!

[WellWhoKnew]

Ha! Mrs C, I truly applaud you, I really do. I couldn't have done it by myself, so I salute your amazingness. You've got off your knees from the pain, and started your long march to freedom. But it's great you've documented this as there are too many women following on.

And too many know - it gets better, but good God the middle bit is hard!

Good to read you now have a timetabled divorce too. It helps.

They are all the same. NSTBXH also tried to hide between confidentiality within contracts. Didn't work. I'm looking at his contract right now!

Yes, to the bank statements revealing a great deal. As they say: you can lie, but you can't hide. It's a shock and a half, isn't it?

The legal system knows all about fuckwittery. They have ways and means of minimising it - after all we've tried and failed to deal with it, so if you're one of the ones (reading this) still believing in the "He says...." about your divorce seek advice from the real Lords and Masters. Not the pretend "Masters of the Universe".

Well done, Mrs C - really, Well done. I know you're probably feeling a bit flat today (I did too after each hearing) but you've proved to yourself you're a much more capable woman than you believed.

Anyway, back to planning Armegeddon!

[pointythings]

It sounds as if court is going according to plan - yours, that is . I can see why you don't feel triumphant about it though. You're a thoroughly good human being and so you don't like seeing someone you used to love make a complete fool of themselves. However, as long as you stay strong and keep doing the decent thing all the way through, you will come out with nothing to reproach yourself for - just hang on to that. Mr WT's misery is really not your problem.

[MrsC1969HJ]

Hi all! I hope everybody is well and time for an update I think! So, we now have OW flouting the court order, we have Mr WT finally co-operating with disclosure and although I have had a quick flick through, I haven't yet had a proper delve into the statements which I will do next week. Then onto a new questionnaire and preps in readiness for the next hearing in January. Mr WT described this as "all the stress and misery continuing", indeed, all caused by himself. He has behaved rather strangely of late, sent me an email saying that he realised he had treated me badly, had behaved like a c**t and that I didn't deserve such cruelty. He then goes on to be really cruel again. They can't help themselves can they? Onto the child hearing, that is in 3 weeks time. I have sent a statement and my acknowledgement to the court...Mr WT has been bombarding Cafcass with emails, "evidence", private correspondence between us. He has been harassing DS's school. He has also harassed the HV's who have recently been very helpful after police referrals. I am not sure if he is actually strengthening his case. Anyway, I am still waiting for my first Cafcass interview prior to the first directions hearing. I just want what is right for my son, what is going to keep him safe and secure. Let's hope we can all agree on that.

So, onto happier things, I am sure WWK won't mind me saying that she has visited me while on her working travels...we had a lovely time with a gorgeous dinner cooked by DD. It is strange to meet somebody in the flesh, especially as we have essentially "met" via this forum and because we both married complete tossers. However, I find it so very comforting and heartening that we can offer eachother support/wine/a bed/food/hugs whatever is needed to get through. Just lovely. So, WWK, thank you for a fab evening, you're lovely and I am so glad to know you . Oh, I forgot to mention, WWK had a fleeting glimpse of Mr WT in the flesh. There are acres of it these days .

[inlectorecumbit]

I am glad you had a great evening with WWK and no doubt plenty of was drunk.
I think Mr WT is actually damaging his case with all his emails-they will be sick of him before even meeting him-with any luck. They will think he is a nutter and they are so right .
How is OW flouting the court order?

[MrsC1969HJ]

It was. I slept soundly! Honestly he is doing ridiculous things ie : I responded to an email the other day setting out various matters in an admittedly acidic (but not ranty) fashion and he forwarded it to them saying "read this Cafcass"...!!!! I mean seriously?! I understand he has been sending them stuff for months, even before the case was opened. I have no idea what the outcome of that will be, will just have to wait and see. Anyway, OW was ordered to set out her contribution to HER household given Mr WT said that he paid for all the utilities, food, council tax etc and then stated that she was no longer paying a mortgage. So, he can halve my maintenance, stop paying his own mortgage, leave me on Income Support but can do all that. The Judge wanted to see what she was contributing and she has refused, flatly. She is apparently a "third party" and will not be submitting anything to the court. Whatever, I think they call it "contempt"...!

[AcrossthePond55]

Oh, honestly! Those two just will never learn, will they? They caused the mess, you are forced to clean it up, and all they do is complain about the cleaning!

I'm sure Mr WT's bombardment of Cafcass is really impressing them! Just not in the way the thinks.

So glad you & WWK had a lovely time. Glad to hear DD fixed a lovely meal. It sounds as if she's back to her good, strong self!

[MrsC1969HJ]

Across, you couldn't make it up, you really couldn't. This morning I am trying to contact the HV team about a complaint Mr WT made about a lovely HV who was really trying to help me after a referral to by the Police. His behaviour is just beyond belief, it really is. OW has now ignored the court order and her and Mr WT have made it quite clear that they won't be complying. Big mistake I would have thought. Letter off to court today. On a more positive note, DS will be having his next assessment next Monday, another step along the way. The child they will see will be a very different child to the one seen last year. Such an improvement. Also, we seem to have found a new school for DD, so two positive things for my kids amongst all the rubbish!

[captainmummy]

MsrC - I hope the courts can see what he is doing, you'd think (hope) that flouting the law is punished and held against them in the ruling..? I hope they say 'well if Mr WT and OW won't supply details then we will award costs and maintenance according to what we think is reasonable, for a man living in a 2income household with no mortgage!

That's good news about the dc. I hope things are settling down in that respect.

Re the HV - isn't he the 'father' who denied the statementing, decided that the HV knew nothing, in fact there is nothing wrong, you are making it all up?

[MrsC1969HJ]

Captain, well he didn't do very well in front of the Judge who was clearly irritated by his evasiveness and general obvious lying. I know there are penalties for contempt so I have written to the court and copied Mr WT in, so will see what comes of that. He isn't in a two income household apparently, she has "nothing to do with it"...LOL!

Yes, he did and continues to deny statementing, yet contradicts himself at every turn. It comes back to the reflection on them, nothing else! I imagine that now people have found out that DD is undergoing the process it has caused some embarrassment and the need for explanation. It is ridiculous. I am fed up of having to explain myself and indeed he manipulates every word I say/write and tries to use it to undermine me at every turn. He even wrote to me the other day saying he wants all this "over with so I never have to see you again"...I think I might have mentioned that upthread. So, how is that going to work with a small child between us? Stupid man

[captainmummy]

'never have to see each other again.' - wouldn't that be fine?

I'm sure that if he is living with her, in her house, then that is a 2income household. Even if she has 'nothing to do with it' - and i think he'll find that she is 'in it' up to her eyeballs. Her income and outgoings will be taken into account. Do you have proof that they are co-habiting, as opposed to lodging?

[NettleTea]

Oh how I wish 'never have to see you again' was a possibility. That they could just go 'poof' and disappear into another dimension.

[MrsC1969HJ]

Captain...wouldn't it?! This is the thing, this is how he deals with things ie : never look back. This must be torture, the keep having to come back! Nettletea...indeed, I wish they would! I wish I did have actual proof that they are living together...apart from the council tax, the hideously expensive alterations he's made to her house, the bespoke designer jewellery he has bought her, not to mention the £200 underwear sets and the bed at £1,700!! Not sure a lodger would be so generous! He also pays all the bills it seems, including the council tax, sky package and the utilities. He "doesn't know" what she pays towards her own household. Erm. So, will have to see what comes back from the court. I'd put money on him "moving out" at some point...!

[captainmummy]

That is plenty of proof, MrsC. As you say, it's not stuff that a lodger would pay for? Jewellery, house alterations, council tax... in fact i think the house alterations/improvements can be used to prove 'contributions' to the value of the house.

[MrsC1969HJ]

Actually, I didn't think of that...and that has been extensive...and expensive! I wouldn't mind except for the fact he stopped my maintenance, then reduced it to half citing his own "CSA assessment"...yet can finance the most extraordinary things while not even paying his own mortgage! Why should the taxpayer be responsible for any of it? I literally cannot wait to get back to work and get out of this hole, I really can't.