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Original poster

autistic ex husband

108 replies

ptsdhelp · 19/07/2014 20:07

As a result of years of events of my ex husband failing to acknowledge or consider anyone else emotions or feelings two people including a professional counsellor have suggested that he may be on the autistic spectrum. Which would apparently explain his inability to relate to how his behaviour and thoughtlessness affects others.... does anyone have experience of this?

OP posts:
Belloc · 19/07/2014 20:51

Is this your counsellor or his counsellor?

Pagwatch · 19/07/2014 20:53

Who exactly has suggested autism?
Who are the two people and in what context, after what investigations, did they suggest autism?

Original poster
ptsdhelp · 19/07/2014 20:55

it was my counsellor..

OP posts:
LadySybilLikesCake · 19/07/2014 20:57

There's not enough here to suggest that he's on the spectrum, and a hell of a lot of people on the spectrum are thoughtful and put others before themselves. It sounds like they are not qualified to make this diagnosis to be honest, it needs someone with specialist knowledge.

Pagwatch · 19/07/2014 21:03

Then no.

Any counsellor who processes your understandably and obviously one sided information and suggest autism is incredibly unprofessional IMHO.

isthisanacidtest · 19/07/2014 21:04

What difference would it make anyway?

Original poster
ptsdhelp · 19/07/2014 21:05

she does have specialist knowledge and hours of sessions of me talking about him.... I have deliberately not given lots of detail above... as I was asking if anyone had experience of autism in adults, I wasn't asking for a diagnosis really - just some insight into other peoples experience of it.

OP posts:
dashoflime · 19/07/2014 21:07

I have an ex who is on the spectrum.
The most illuminating story I can tell about him:

He and his then girlfriend (not me) were about to leave Uni. The girlfriend got a bit emotional and teary. Ex didn't understand what was going on and assumed she was having some kind of breakdown. He thought he would have to become her carer and worried about how he would break the news to her parents that their daughter had lost her mind.

When he told me this story (in the context of me being very emotional and teary) he finished with the words:

"And then a bit later she was completely fine. And thats when i learned that girls do just cry. And noone really knows why they do it"

So thats what he was like. Very sweet and concientious but a bit at sea with emotions. As you can imagine, it was a little lonely when I needed someone to understand. I had to look elsewhere for emotional support sometimes. But- he was always nice and respectful to me. He never did anything to hurt me. He supported me to the very best of his abilities.

(He also had some really endearing geeky traits. He used to amuse himself by writing lists of racing form or inventing a rating system for light saber fighters. He had notebooks full of tiny rows of figures. Odd but cute)

OP is this what your ex was like? Or was actively mean to you. Because i don't think autism causes anyone to act like a dick.

isthisanacidtest · 19/07/2014 21:08

Your counsellor is one person. Who was the other?

Original poster
ptsdhelp · 19/07/2014 21:08

it would make a lot of difference actually. in terms of possibly explaining how he and I interpret and understand circumstances differently. I am looking for a way to understand and improve our communication, not really looking for a label. And I don't think I really do give a one sided view of events, that hasn't really been what the counselling has been for.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 19/07/2014 21:09

My son has autism and is nearly 18.
I'm not sure what you are looking for?
I wasn't suggesting that I had any clue about your ex re a diagnosis. I haven't met him. But neither has she.

What difference would it make?

LadySybilLikesCake · 19/07/2014 21:09

She only hears what you say about him though, so it's incredibly one sided.

My ex is a self centred bully. The consequences of his actions on others doesn't register in his head and everyone else is to blame for his problems, not him, but I wouldn't be impressed if someone tried to diagnose him from what I had said. I don't really care about him to be honest.

Original poster
ptsdhelp · 19/07/2014 21:09

the other was a mutual friend - someone who knows both of us very well

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 19/07/2014 21:11

X-posted

I'm not suggesting you were deliberately one sided.
But we can only give our perspective - obviously.

I adore my DH and have lived with him for 27 years. If I describe events I can only describe my one sided view. I'm not telepathic.

LadySybilLikesCake · 19/07/2014 21:14

Is your mutual friend qualified to diagnose this though?

Are you looking for some way to justify his poor treatment of you? From the very little you've written here, from the counselling you're having and your username I'm guessing he's been a bit of a shit bag. Would a 'diagnosis' of some sort make things easier for you to come to terms with? Some people are just self centred. It doesn't mean they have a disorder. People can sometimes just be bad (for want of a better word) and there isn't always a reason for it.

Pagwatch · 19/07/2014 21:14

My son has autism. I have found ways to communicate with him based upon him, not his diagnosis.

Even if you decide that he has asd and are comfortable that that is accurate, how does that help you communicate with him?

I probably sound argumentative but I am trying to understand how your counsellor thinks this will help.

Original poster
ptsdhelp · 19/07/2014 21:14

I guess I am asking what it is like to live with someone with autism... I really know nothing - but have had it suggested that they interpret emotions / have limited emotional understanding - like I said I know nothing - so I'm asking what it is like.

What difference would it make? if he has autism then it would be useful for me to understand that wouldn't it? rather than assuming he is just behaving like a di*k.... and that he doesn't give a shit? it may be that it just doesn't work that way for him and I could just stop banging my head against a wall...

OP posts:
frames · 19/07/2014 21:15

Someone described my ex h in a similar way. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, but came to the conclusion that he is a lazy, selfish twonk only to happy to hide behind any semi formal diagnosis, and only to ready to manipulate those around him into considering his characteristics as part of of mh issues being cruelly ignored by an uncaring wife. His current gf had fallen for it.

TakeMeUpTheNorthMountain · 19/07/2014 21:16

Do you need to put a label on him? He's your ex. Council should be for you. Not to diagnose someone else

Original poster
ptsdhelp · 19/07/2014 21:18

Lady cake - yes it is probably a little bit of that - in all honesty I probably would find it easier to ignore if he had an 'excuse' (for want of a better phrase....)

I have tried to make hime see what a detrimental affect he has on me for year (given up on that now).... but now its affecting my children.... she just cannot empathise/recognise their feelings/assumes I have planted feelings in them/blames me etc etc etc.....

OP posts:
LadySybilLikesCake · 19/07/2014 21:18

My son's on the spectrum somewhere. He's the loveliest boy I've ever met and he's the first to rush to help old ladies who have fallen in the street or open a door for someone.

Some people are dicks. It's not a reflection on you. It's not because you did something or said something. They don't need a reason or a disorder, it's just who they are.

Thanks < for you.

Pagwatch · 19/07/2014 21:20

Ds2 has an overwhelming interaction with the world. It is confusing nd upsetting so he retreats.
But he isn't a dick. If we argue he gets upset and wants us to be friends.

I think it might be better to focus on him, your experiences of him and how he reacts. If you feel you are banging your head against a wall then that is a truth - why you achieve nothing is just a distraction isn't it? If he is not prepared to change does it matter whether he won't or can't.

Original poster
ptsdhelp · 19/07/2014 21:22

no - my counsellor isn't trying to diagnose him - not at all - she is trying to get me to let go of the fact he treats me like shit! but she did offer the alternative view that he could be on the autistic spectrum.... either way she is just telling me that I cant changes the way he behaves, no matter how many times I tell him he is hurtful.

I'm not in counselling because of him - its for ptsd.... which is unrelated - but I seem to spend a lot of my time talking about him!

does that make sense?

OP posts:
LadySybilLikesCake · 19/07/2014 21:22

Ds's father is an absolute dick, so I'll tell you the same thing that I tell ds. "This isn't about you. This is about him (or her in your case)."

Some people think the whole world resolves around them. When things don't go their way they spit out the dummy at the person who is closest, the one they think they can control. Just accept that this is who they are, and none of their behaviour was ever your fault.

Original poster
ptsdhelp · 19/07/2014 21:24

thank you - I appreciate what you are saying. In all honesty - I think he is a dick.... I think he is manipulative and vindictive and is punishing me for having the audacity to divorce him....

I care, and I have banged my head against that wall so long because of my children - he isn't meeting their emotional needs and its not nice mopping up their disappointment......

OP posts: