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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

autistic ex husband

108 replies

ptsdhelp · 19/07/2014 20:07

As a result of years of events of my ex husband failing to acknowledge or consider anyone else emotions or feelings two people including a professional counsellor have suggested that he may be on the autistic spectrum. Which would apparently explain his inability to relate to how his behaviour and thoughtlessness affects others.... does anyone have experience of this?

OP posts:
LadySybilLikesCake · 19/07/2014 21:29

All you can do is support your children and be there for when they need you. I know it's hard, but try not to bitch about him in front of them but don't make excuses for him either. If he doesn't turn up when he should, let them call him. I know it's hard, but this is about their relationship with him. It's not nice being the one mopping up afterwards, I know exactly where you're coming from, but I promise you they will see through whatever is happening and will decide for themselves what they should do next. Keep your ex at arms length. Communicate only via email, this way there's a paper trail should you ever need it Wink

Well done for divorcing him! Now's time for you to start to live Smile

Pagwatch · 19/07/2014 21:33

Oh, I understand that.
Trying to find a reason makes sense, especially for your children but tbh, if he is a dick they will eventually recognise that. As lady sibyl says, you can only reinforce all the time that people chose how they behave. A child does not have a tatty parent, nor does an adult have a tatty partner because of anything they did.

InTheNorth123 · 19/07/2014 21:34

Could he be a narcissist? I'm just starting to read up on it all because I think my ex and his family are narcs. No empathy, cannot understand what's it's like to 'be in somebody else's shoes'. Trying to reason with them is literally pointless.

Have a google if you can. There are quite a lot of personality disorders which cause people to be unreasonable. Doesn't really sound like autism from your post. The autistic people I've worked with usually do TRY to understand what you're saying and what it means. Sounds more like your ex doesn't care or WANT to understand. Much like mine!

Pagwatch · 19/07/2014 21:40

I wouldn't google actually.
I would just base my understanding of what he is likely to do in the future upon what he has done previously.
Because being able to say 'my ex is a narc' ' my ex has asd' ' my ex is a dick' isn't much help is it?
Saying 'don't expect your dad to turn up promptly darling, you know he is usually a bit late' or 'I'm sorry he forgot your birthday, you know he does that sometimes' might help.
Everything else is uninformed armchair psychobabble.

Pagwatch · 19/07/2014 21:40

Unless he decides to be diagnosed of course..

Original poster
ptsdhelp · 19/07/2014 21:46

thanks.... I don't bad mouth him in front of the kids and I don't excuse him either. but they are starting to work things out for themselves - and its horrible to watch. but it feels like I cant stop them from eventually seeing him for what he is. They see that he has an awful affect on me... he literally make me ill and they have to see that. I try and hide it.... but with everything else I am coming to terms with lately its tough at the moment. I just want a way to block him out. he is the only negative thing in my life... ive made so much progress with everything else, but its like he is deliberately being difficult and horrible to stop me having any sort of normal life....

OP posts:
Original poster
ptsdhelp · 19/07/2014 21:46

ha ha - he would never accept being diagnosed. there is nothing wrong with him, its all me!

OP posts:
LadySybilLikesCake · 19/07/2014 21:48

"Unless he decides to be diagnosed of course.."

Some people think the problem isn't them, Pag, it's everyone else. It's highly unlikely they will want to seek a diagnosis as they don't believe they are at fault in anything!

Original poster
ptsdhelp · 19/07/2014 21:49

he could well be a narc.... his behaviour is often very timely, well thought out and designed to have maximum effect!

I do only communicate by email - when he chooses to repond (he often doesn't as he finds it difficult apparently!) it is rarely nice

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Original poster
ptsdhelp · 19/07/2014 21:51

lady cake - that's exactly how he thinks.... its all me! not him - he actually told my parents I had mental health problems after I experienced a major traumatic event and didn't address it in the way he thought I should!

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LadySybilLikesCake · 19/07/2014 21:52

You can't stop them, and you shouldn't. All you can do is constantly make them feel loved, wanted and secure. It's hard, I've been here and it's really hard. It takes a lot of time and a lot of patience but they will get through this and so will you. I do think you need to distance yourself as much as you can from him, it's not good that he makes you feel this way. Stop communicating in any form other than emails, and don't allow him into your home.

Women's Aid do a freedom programme to help women (and some men) who have been in relationships like this. Have you heard about this? It would really help you/

InTheNorth123 · 19/07/2014 21:55

I disagree Pag. I know (for me) that it has helped to be able to identify their behaviour as something totally beyond my control. I was sick and tired of trying to reason with them and I honestly didn't understand why they didn't understand what I was saying!

Anyway, it seems from OP's posts that she too is looking for an explanation. Of course everybody is different and some people may be happy without an explanation.

Original poster
ptsdhelp · 19/07/2014 21:56

thank you lady cake.... I don't let him in (although he needs to collect his stuff that he left here 2 years ago - and hes being difficult about that - telling me its traumatic for the kids because they haven't come to terms with the separation!! they have!

I would like to find out more about the freedom programme

OP posts:
LadySybilLikesCake · 19/07/2014 21:57

You can't reason with someone like this, so it's not worth your effort. Arms length is the way to go, then when your DC are old enough to see what he's like and are able to say they want to withdraw contact then you won't need to contact him any more. Ignore all of his nasty emails, just put them in a folder incase you need them at some point. Don't discuss anything other than your children. If he goes off topic, then don't respond. It's a game to him. The more it eats you, the more he wins. Don't play unless it's on your terms too.

Costs nothing to be civil.

LadySybilLikesCake · 19/07/2014 21:59

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Give him a deadline for his things. If they are not collected by 1st August they are going to the charity shop. It's not traumatic for your children, he's playing you.

InTheNorth123 · 19/07/2014 22:01

LadySib, do you have a link for the programme? I've heard of it before, but had no luck googling.

InTheNorth123 · 19/07/2014 22:01

X post!

LadySybilLikesCake · 19/07/2014 22:02
Smile
Original poster
ptsdhelp · 19/07/2014 22:06

thank you. I do only communicate about the children - he will deliberately not communicate back - because this causes difficulties and opportunities for conflict. like not confirming what the arrangements are for the school holidays. then telling me its all my responsibility becase I am the resident parent. I have had to halve my work hours (and pay) to cover the holidays - then today he askd to have them for extra days!! I have said no because I have made plans, booked annual leave, taken a pay cut and plan to spend my time with the kids - he had hs chance to respond weeks ago.... this is just one example of his games.... its exhausting me - trying to predict what his next game will be,

OP posts:
InTheNorth123 · 19/07/2014 22:09

Oh my goodness, all sounds so familiar! Almost like they set up situations to trip you up and make you out to be unreasonable because you won't let them see the DCs! Then of course they bad mouth you to anybody who will listen.

LadySybilLikesCake · 19/07/2014 22:13

I recognise that. Ds's father moved abroad when ds was 3 and would let me know he was visiting the evening before he wanted to see ds (even though he must have planned his visit for weeks before). If we had plans he'd become verbally abusive down the phone. He'd see ds for an hour, always hungover and even more short tempered so we were both on edge.

It sounds wise to keep doing what you're doing. Assume he doesn't want to see them after he's said 'no' and make your plans. It's tough shit if he changes his mind. The more you stick to your guns, the more it may sink in. Don't try to predict his next move, you'll be unable to sleep as it will be going around in your head for hours. Take each day as it comes.

Is he paying you maintenance? That may help with the holiday childcare. There are companies who will insure maintenance payments, so if he stops paying or can't pay you'll still get them so it's a very good idea that you take a look into this.

Original poster
ptsdhelp · 19/07/2014 22:13

North - this is what I am being careful of - I don't want to give him any evidence that I will deny contact - because he wil use it. I have never said no before - in fact have gone out of my way to extend contact - including changing my work days to suit him and his social life. he goes abroad for work for months on end and I cover that too - but then he will not reciprocate on the one occaision I have asked him to in 2 years.... he has told me that his job takes precedence over mine because he has to pay maintenance (which he cuts all the time as he is not always employed because he is a lazy arse it feels like one long struggle

OP posts:
InTheNorth123 · 19/07/2014 22:14

I have gone no contact with my ex. All communication via the contact centre so he can't twist things (although he still does, but to a lesser degree.) Is this an option for you?

I'm never in favour of denying contact or using DCs as an ultimatum, but it really sounds like the situation is taking its toll on your health, as well as upsetting your DCs. Is there anyone you can use as a third party for communication? If not, can you tell him that he starts cooperating or you'll be forced to change contact arrangements and use something like a contact centre, because you're tired of his game playing? Of course, word it in a way which won't let him think he's wearing you down, even if he is.

I feel a hell of a lot less stressed since we went down the contact centre route.

Original poster
ptsdhelp · 19/07/2014 22:18

the insurance sounds interesting .... although I don't have court ordered maintenance..... does that matter? on average over the last 2 years he has paid 3.5 k per year for 2 kids... and pays nothing else. I recently got him to agree to half the childcare (its about 15 quid a week) but hes now moaning about that - saying he is a mug for 'supporting' me. If he's out of work my maintenance is cut at short notice... now ive taken a pay cut for the holidays and I am on a short term contract anyway so am desperately looking for other jobs....
the more a write it all down the more I realise I am an idiot for contemplating he could be autistic - hes an asshole

OP posts:
LadySybilLikesCake · 19/07/2014 22:18

If he's said 'no' then changed his mind at the last minute this isn't refusing contact Smile You can't live your life like this. You're not at his beck and call.

A contact centre sounds like a good move. Then you won't need to see him.