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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

autistic ex husband

108 replies

ptsdhelp · 19/07/2014 20:07

As a result of years of events of my ex husband failing to acknowledge or consider anyone else emotions or feelings two people including a professional counsellor have suggested that he may be on the autistic spectrum. Which would apparently explain his inability to relate to how his behaviour and thoughtlessness affects others.... does anyone have experience of this?

OP posts:
Original poster
ptsdhelp · 19/07/2014 22:22

I couldn't use a contact centre - it would tip my youngest over the edge - I need to address her anxieties - she sleeps in my room because she cant be away from me - this is totally out of character for her... shes not really managing her 2 nights a fortnight at her dad well - comes back upset more often than not... she has a fear of becoming unwell (or me being unwell) when we are not together - this has happened to her twice whilst in her dads care - and needed hospitalising - which he missed!! the other time I was away from her, I was badly injured its a real fear for her...

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LadySybilLikesCake · 19/07/2014 22:24

You're not an idiot. Nice people like to see the good in others. If it's not there they start to question why, so you're looking for answers. There's nothing stupid about this.

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/insuring-child-maintenance-after-divorce-or-separation < for a non biased view. If you google 'child maintenance insurance' a few companies will come up. I only know you can't get it if the maintenance is a REMO (where the absent parent is abroad and you have to go to court). I'm not sure whether it needs to be CSA assessed or a written agreement though so you may need to check this one.

LadySybilLikesCake · 19/07/2014 22:25

Sad Have you been to see your GP about your youngest?

InTheNorth123 · 19/07/2014 22:30

I'm so sorry to hear how it's affecting your youngest. Thanks

In a contact centre you could wait in the next room, and she can leave contact and come back to you if she wishes. I honestly thought it was the last place I wanted to go to, but it's really not what I expected.
ThanksThanks

Original poster
ptsdhelp · 19/07/2014 22:31

I haven't yet seen my GP about her, but I will be making an appointment next week - about another matter (I think she has inherited a medical condition from me, which I need to get her assessed for) - not sure whether to mention this as well- from my talks with her - her anxiety about the separation is because she doesn't trust him to notice when theres something wrong or, on occaisions, doesn't believe her... he has told me before (and in front of her) that 'she is putting it on'... her face when he said that broke my heart - and I very bluntly, in front of her told him he was wrong and out of order!

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DrJuno · 19/07/2014 22:33

Well I'm going to armchair diagnose your ex as a classic common or garden twat.

I have one too. Sympathies.

LadySybilLikesCake · 19/07/2014 22:34

Poor dd Sad Are you able to send her with a phone so that she can call you? I would mention it to your GP. Cahms should be able to sort out some help for her but she'll need a referral.

Original poster
ptsdhelp · 19/07/2014 22:35

thanks north - I think I need to try and untangle all her issues first - and in all honesty - I don't think I would qualify for a contact centre - as the reason would be that I cannot tolerate seeing him - but its the interests of the kids that comes first - I don't think I could say hand on heart that a contact centre would be best for them. My older dd is fine - enjoys her time - for my younger daughter it is different but maybe its mainly her anxieties (and the fact he don't understand her, treats the two of them differently and isn't helping to address the anxieties).

he is having an awful affect on my health - I spend every other weekend recovering - its my only time alone - and generally I just rest because I feel crap

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Original poster
ptsdhelp · 19/07/2014 22:36

lol Dr Juno

what is cahms?

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DrJuno · 19/07/2014 22:37

Just to add, the one rule I live by is "never ask, never explain". Cut all face to face contact down to the bare minimum. Don't ever put yourself in the position where you need him for anything - if you have a childcare problem, go to friends and family before you ask him. Keep to strict, strict rules which give him as little chance as possible to fuck it up and never, ever bend the rules for any reason.

Harsh but it works.

LadySybilLikesCake · 19/07/2014 22:37

I think my ex's condition is genetic, DrJuno. The last time he saw ds (4 years now) he swore and shouted in ds's face (turned up with no notice, we had plans so ds left his friend in a game shop and was worried about getting back to him so asked how long they would be). I told ds's granny how upset ds was and all she could say was "well. He should have let you know he was coming" Confused

LadySybilLikesCake · 19/07/2014 22:39

Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services. They do therapy, counselling and support for children and teenagers who have a variety of problems, including anxiety.

NormalTea · 19/07/2014 22:39

My x was on the spectrum too I reckon.

One example was how he never wondered about anything. If I said 'i wonder how this film will end'. or 'i wonder if the baby will be a boy or a girl' he literally couldn't understand the pointlessness of wondering. You had a fact or you did not have a fact.

I had a good psychotherapist after I left my x. the whole therapy revolved around why I'd settled for him/stayed with him/put up with his bad & strange & selfish behaviour.

he may have been on the spectrum but it was his narcissism that made him impossible to live with

Original poster
ptsdhelp · 19/07/2014 22:42

funnily enough Juno - that is exactly what I do now. I ask him for nothing. and never will.

My aims are:
to find a way to not let him get to me????? is there one?
to see far less of him... he can drop the kids on the drive, doesn't need to come to the door.
to only ever communicate by email - never be fooled that he might be capable of a conversation

anything else?

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DrJuno · 19/07/2014 22:43

What's the difference between a selfish twat and a narc?

LadySybilLikesCake · 19/07/2014 22:44

Yes. Remember that his poor behaviour is a reflection on him, it's not about you!!

I gave up caring, so he no longer gets to me. I know I'm worth more, and I know that his behaviour has nothing to do with me. My only concern is ds and he has always, and will always, be put first.

DrJuno · 19/07/2014 22:47

Yes yes, no doorstep contact, or as little as possible. Don't be drawn into conversation.
All communication to be written. Email is perfect. If he sends a lot, or they're abusive, or you feel like reading them is making you anxious then forward them all to a sympathetic third party. This person can open, read and condense the important points for you.
Never bad mouth.
Remember that you are no longer together. He owes you nothing, you owe him nothing.
The only people with rights are the children. The adults only have responsibilities.
You have moved on. What he thinks or says is unimportant. Look forwards, never backwards.

NormalTea · 19/07/2014 22:48

i think somebody could behave like a selfish twat in a relationship that meant little to them but that 'twat' is capable of having a real relationship that they care about.............a naricissist is literally incapable of ever seeing anybody as anything other than a resource.

so that's my take. Behaving like a selfish twat or being a selfish vulture that it's not behaviour it's just who they are.

Original poster
ptsdhelp · 19/07/2014 22:48

thing is, everytime he makes me feel like crap - I always say - that's it ive had enough - I wot let it happen again .... and then it does, I bang my head against the wall again and he makes me ill again,....

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DrJuno · 19/07/2014 22:49

Yes Sybil, I just don't care.

I don't care if he is angry, worried or upset.

I don't care what he thinks of me.

I look on his rantings like I would look on a random toddler tantrumming. Silly, a bit embarrassing, but fundamentally nothing to do with me.

DrJuno · 19/07/2014 22:50

Think of it like being in AA. You might sometimes fall off the wagon, but you can always climb straight back on again. Practice makes perfect.

Original poster
ptsdhelp · 19/07/2014 22:51

I would love to up sticks and move back home to be near my family!

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LadySybilLikesCake · 19/07/2014 22:52

You're still trying to see the good in him and you let your barriers down. Try assuming he's going to constantly take the piss, so give him no chances.

Try the freedom programme. I'd happily send you the tenner to do it if you need it.

LadySybilLikesCake · 19/07/2014 22:53

Why don't you do it, ptsd? A bit of distance can do wondrous things.

InTheNorth123 · 19/07/2014 22:53

I second NormalTea here. I'd also say a narc is devoid of any emotion. They leech off others to get by on life.