Recovering from an affair (as the innocent party)

[olderguy]

Some may remember the thread I had deleted (because I was concerned over privacy)
Today has been much better as for the first time she has told me how truly she is sorry for what she has done and we have started reconnecting emotionally. We have been able to talk things through without getting angry, shouting, walking off or any childish or petulant displays.
We have been able to hug, cuddle and kiss with it feeling meaningful.
Rather than looking always to what has happened we have talked about the future and the road to becoming a loving couple again.
This is not to say I have fully recovered. I still feel on the verge of a panic attack most of the time, constantly worry if her phone goes off and am still prone to crying for no apparent reason (which as a man is embarrassing and humiliating).
I think we still have a long way to go but truly believe we can get there.

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

You will have these dips and flash backs.

Please get that book I mentioned. It'll help you make sense of it all better. You have a lot to work through.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

I'm sorry. She has been very cruel. I'm afraid she is lying about the affair because she knows it might be the final straw for you. I don't think you can move on until she admits it - 1000s of texts, night(s)in hotels mean sex usually.

[olderguy]

I feeling a little more upbeat again today. This morning when I got home from work was good and I'm looking forward to her coming home from work this evening.

I think she got caught up in the moment with all the texts and she said apart from arranging to meet him they were all innocent. As for the hotel part that was arranged because they could not go any where without her being seen and recognised around town. I do believe the no sex part she said there was no contact 'down below' on either side (I hope he was expecting more and didn't get it) and from watching her body language, her eyes, her tone of voice, her willingness to swear on the kids lives and just knowing her I do believe that. But I'm glad I caught them out at the first opportunity as I really don't know if she would have carried on if I hadn't.

It's now 6 days since last contact and she is back to something resembling her old self again, just not having him text or try to ring her has given her the time to realise just how wrong this all was and she is really trying by answering questions and showing genuine affection. Thinking back there were so many little signs and tells I do wonder if subconsciously she wanted me to catch her out?

I contacted a relationship counsellor by email at the weekend and she has just emailed back with her rates. I'm considering going for a couple of sessions just to see if it helps and then more sessions if I find it does. I'll discuss it with DP when she comes home.

[Vivacia]

Does your wife want to rebuild the relationship?

[olderguy]

She's my long term partner and yes she does

[Vivacia]

It's just that it seems to be all you making excuses, coming up with motivations and intentions on her behalf.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

As for the hotel part that was arranged because they could not go any where without her being seen and recognised around town

Errr ... if this was innocent, why would they worry about being seen? Nothing wrong with meeting a friend, after all, and if that's all it was I'd have expected her to mention it to you quite openly

Please believe that I really do wish you the best with this, but you won't get that while deluding yourself that she must be telling the truth since she "swears it on the kids' lives" ... oh, please!!!!!!

[badbaldingballerina123]

If there was no sex why we're they in their underwear ? Or have I got the wrong thread ?

I feel for you Op , I really do , but the minimizing and denial displayed here is ridiculous.

[Lovingfreedom]

You'd be amazed how many cheaters swear on kids' lives...IME it's pretty much an admission of guilt.

[AnyFucker]

None so blind..

[rb32]

I guess the question is, at this stage, would it make a difference if she now admitted to sleeping with him?

[EarthWindFire]

Please please don't let her rewrite history or blame you for her actions.

She chose to cross the line. Even if it was an emotional rather than a physical affair (which I very much doubt) it was her decision to embark on it.

Please don't believe that just because she swore on the children's lives that she is telling you the truth.

From what you are saying she is telling you what you want/need to hear rather than the actual truth.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Ahhh... she swore on the kids lives! That's alright then is it?
Typical following the script.
They all do this - all cheaters say exactly that!
And then the truth comes out.

It WAS and probably still IS an affair!
Whether physical or emotional that's what it was.
Trying to deny or minimise it, really isn't going to get you anywhere.
The resentment will build and build in the end.

It just seems to be YOU still doing all the talking, running, making excuses, minimising.
What is SHE doing to reassure you?

I really hope it works out.
And some couples can get over affairs. Not many but some do.

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

I think you are making excuses for her. If you hadn't found out, where would she be now?

[AnyFucker]

Swearing on kids/darling mummy's lives ?

Instant liar indicator. They do that on Jeremy Kyle. They are all grubby liars too.

[olderguy]

Well as I finally update on this you were all right and I was completely wrong.....
After spending three months of making every effort to save the relationship with very little back from her she met with her fancy man again in another hotel. We are now separated, I'm in the process of buying her half of the house and she moves out at the end of next month.
So here I am 40, single and scared silly of playing the dating game again :(

[Vivacia]

Oh, I'm so sorry to read this. How are you coping? Have you got RL support?

[Vivacia]

Oh, I'm so sorry to read this. How are you coping? Have you got RL support?

[Vivacia]

(That's how sorry I am).

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I'm genuinely very sorry, OP, but you weren't "completely wrong" ... you hoped the woman you loved would act with some decency and that's really not too much to expect

I know it won't feel this way now, but 40 is nothing; you've still got plenty of time to meet someone who'll deserve you

Sorry that she's not moving out for over a month, though - does it really have to be that long??

[OhSoSharp]

I'm sorry to read this OP. Give yourself some time to grieve the end of your relationship before getting back into the dating scene (and 40 is nothing).

[olderguy]

Thanks people it will be easier with her out of my house then I'm going to try and rediscover who I am. I never asked for this but I'm going to try and make the most of it.

[Dowser]

The girls were right OP.

So sorry. You seem like a nice guy.

My grubby ex swore on my precious grandsons life that he wasn't cheating. Looked me right in the eye while he did it.

Even tried to make me feel sorry for him by saying...who would have a fat bastard like me!

Well, lots of women apparently!

Wonder what he promised them lol.

So yes OP . Take time out and grieve. There's no rush. You are 40 years young.

My OH never met the woman of his dreams till he was 55 lol!

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

I am sorry