Recovering from an affair (as the innocent party)

[olderguy]

Some may remember the thread I had deleted (because I was concerned over privacy)
Today has been much better as for the first time she has told me how truly she is sorry for what she has done and we have started reconnecting emotionally. We have been able to talk things through without getting angry, shouting, walking off or any childish or petulant displays.
We have been able to hug, cuddle and kiss with it feeling meaningful.
Rather than looking always to what has happened we have talked about the future and the road to becoming a loving couple again.
This is not to say I have fully recovered. I still feel on the verge of a panic attack most of the time, constantly worry if her phone goes off and am still prone to crying for no apparent reason (which as a man is embarrassing and humiliating).
I think we still have a long way to go but truly believe we can get there.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"If anyone has any tips for the next stage I'd be grateful"

Sorry that you're having this experience. Know how soul-crushing it is and wouldn't wish it on anyone. Main tip is to look after yourself. Be with people who genuinely like you and make you happy. Do things that keep you busy or bring you joy or both. When you feel sad, acknowledge it and allow the feelings to happen. But make it finite if you can rather than wallowing 24/7... that doesn't help.

This thread goes back to July and I take it the affair happened before that? You've therefore spent a huge amount of time having your self-respect damaged and your confidence shattered in the effort to suppress your anger and keep things together with a liar. That takes a lot out of you and it'll take a long time to feel better.

Good luck

[ofmiceandmen]

ps.. take a break from MN relationships soon after you start working on things .
The cycle of cheating, abuse etc will keep you in that place.
re-living it, analysing, berating yourself for being blind etc etc.

Come back once you can smile and laugh at yourself.

[ofmiceandmen]

Personal experience .. next stage - forgive yourself.

Forgive yourself for being duped, forgive yourself for any feelings of diminished self worth.
For trying .. whatever - just forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself.

This is no longer about her.

You're going to feel less attractive, making love again with anyone is going to be a whole mind game (is there something I didn't do right before).

Take some 'you' time. work on you.

Smile, laugh.

and I think it's Corg (if she's still about) or AF, Lweji who always said fake it till you make it.

[olderguy]

Only 10 days until she moves out now \o/ can't say I've particularly enjoyed the wait but not long to go now.
I had to speak to my 12yr old today and explain what is going on minus all the details which was one of the most painful things I've had to do in life. Tbf she seemed to take it ok but only time will tell and I can do is be there for her.

The ex's two grown up children are still staying with me and I'm happy to let them as I've been a father figure to then for a long time and do think of them as my own.
Personally I'm still a bit of a mess, there is no way I'd consider having her back but I'm still having 'down' days. Someone explained to me that I'm damaged goods now and it's something that will never leave me and I will find trust hard in the future. How they described it is exactly how I fell which is slightly depressing....

If anyone has any tips for the next stage I'd be grateful

[patronisingbitchinthewardrobe]

You're 40 and you think you're 'older'? Get out there and have fun. Your catchment is 22 to 50 (I upped the lower limit from 18 so you don't look like a perv). Don't give it a second thought. The world is full of lonely women wanting to meet you.

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

btw, why do you feel the need to launch yourself straight back into the dating game ?

the standard advice is you spend some time alone sussing out who you are without the complications of other relationships for a while

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

I am sorry

[Dowser]

The girls were right OP.

So sorry. You seem like a nice guy.

My grubby ex swore on my precious grandsons life that he wasn't cheating. Looked me right in the eye while he did it.

Even tried to make me feel sorry for him by saying...who would have a fat bastard like me!

Well, lots of women apparently!

Wonder what he promised them lol.

So yes OP . Take time out and grieve. There's no rush. You are 40 years young.

My OH never met the woman of his dreams till he was 55 lol!

[olderguy]

Thanks people it will be easier with her out of my house then I'm going to try and rediscover who I am. I never asked for this but I'm going to try and make the most of it.

[OhSoSharp]

I'm sorry to read this OP. Give yourself some time to grieve the end of your relationship before getting back into the dating scene (and 40 is nothing).

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I'm genuinely very sorry, OP, but you weren't "completely wrong" ... you hoped the woman you loved would act with some decency and that's really not too much to expect

I know it won't feel this way now, but 40 is nothing; you've still got plenty of time to meet someone who'll deserve you

Sorry that she's not moving out for over a month, though - does it really have to be that long??

[Vivacia]

(That's how sorry I am).

[Vivacia]

Oh, I'm so sorry to read this. How are you coping? Have you got RL support?

[Vivacia]

Oh, I'm so sorry to read this. How are you coping? Have you got RL support?

[olderguy]

Well as I finally update on this you were all right and I was completely wrong.....
After spending three months of making every effort to save the relationship with very little back from her she met with her fancy man again in another hotel. We are now separated, I'm in the process of buying her half of the house and she moves out at the end of next month.
So here I am 40, single and scared silly of playing the dating game again :(

[AnyFucker]

Swearing on kids/darling mummy's lives ?

Instant liar indicator. They do that on Jeremy Kyle. They are all grubby liars too.

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

I think you are making excuses for her. If you hadn't found out, where would she be now?

[hellsbellsmelons]

Ahhh... she swore on the kids lives! That's alright then is it?
Typical following the script.
They all do this - all cheaters say exactly that!
And then the truth comes out.

It WAS and probably still IS an affair!
Whether physical or emotional that's what it was.
Trying to deny or minimise it, really isn't going to get you anywhere.
The resentment will build and build in the end.

It just seems to be YOU still doing all the talking, running, making excuses, minimising.
What is SHE doing to reassure you?

I really hope it works out.
And some couples can get over affairs. Not many but some do.

[EarthWindFire]

Please please don't let her rewrite history or blame you for her actions.

She chose to cross the line. Even if it was an emotional rather than a physical affair (which I very much doubt) it was her decision to embark on it.

Please don't believe that just because she swore on the children's lives that she is telling you the truth.

From what you are saying she is telling you what you want/need to hear rather than the actual truth.

[rb32]

I guess the question is, at this stage, would it make a difference if she now admitted to sleeping with him?

[AnyFucker]

None so blind..

[Lovingfreedom]

You'd be amazed how many cheaters swear on kids' lives...IME it's pretty much an admission of guilt.

[badbaldingballerina123]

If there was no sex why we're they in their underwear ? Or have I got the wrong thread ?

I feel for you Op , I really do , but the minimizing and denial displayed here is ridiculous.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

As for the hotel part that was arranged because they could not go any where without her being seen and recognised around town

Errr ... if this was innocent, why would they worry about being seen? Nothing wrong with meeting a friend, after all, and if that's all it was I'd have expected her to mention it to you quite openly

Please believe that I really do wish you the best with this, but you won't get that while deluding yourself that she must be telling the truth since she "swears it on the kids' lives" ... oh, please!!!!!!