Recovering from an affair (as the innocent party)

[olderguy]

Some may remember the thread I had deleted (because I was concerned over privacy)
Today has been much better as for the first time she has told me how truly she is sorry for what she has done and we have started reconnecting emotionally. We have been able to talk things through without getting angry, shouting, walking off or any childish or petulant displays.
We have been able to hug, cuddle and kiss with it feeling meaningful.
Rather than looking always to what has happened we have talked about the future and the road to becoming a loving couple again.
This is not to say I have fully recovered. I still feel on the verge of a panic attack most of the time, constantly worry if her phone goes off and am still prone to crying for no apparent reason (which as a man is embarrassing and humiliating).
I think we still have a long way to go but truly believe we can get there.

btw, why do you feel the need to launch yourself straight back into the dating game ?

the standard advice is you spend some time alone sussing out who you are without the complications of other relationships for a while

You're 40 and you think you're 'older'? Get out there and have fun. Your catchment is 22 to 50 (I upped the lower limit from 18 so you don't look like a perv). Don't give it a second thought. The world is full of lonely women wanting to meet you.

Only 10 days until she moves out now \o/ can't say I've particularly enjoyed the wait but not long to go now.
I had to speak to my 12yr old today and explain what is going on minus all the details which was one of the most painful things I've had to do in life. Tbf she seemed to take it ok but only time will tell and I can do is be there for her.

The ex's two grown up children are still staying with me and I'm happy to let them as I've been a father figure to then for a long time and do think of them as my own.
Personally I'm still a bit of a mess, there is no way I'd consider having her back but I'm still having 'down' days. Someone explained to me that I'm damaged goods now and it's something that will never leave me and I will find trust hard in the future. How they described it is exactly how I fell which is slightly depressing....

If anyone has any tips for the next stage I'd be grateful

Personal experience .. next stage - forgive yourself.

Forgive yourself for being duped, forgive yourself for any feelings of diminished self worth.
For trying .. whatever - just forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself.

This is no longer about her.

You're going to feel less attractive, making love again with anyone is going to be a whole mind game (is there something I didn't do right before).

Take some 'you' time. work on you.

Smile, laugh.

and I think it's Corg (if she's still about) or AF, Lweji who always said fake it till you make it.

ps.. take a break from MN relationships soon after you start working on things .
The cycle of cheating, abuse etc will keep you in that place.
re-living it, analysing, berating yourself for being blind etc etc.

Come back once you can smile and laugh at yourself.

"If anyone has any tips for the next stage I'd be grateful"

Sorry that you're having this experience. Know how soul-crushing it is and wouldn't wish it on anyone. Main tip is to look after yourself. Be with people who genuinely like you and make you happy. Do things that keep you busy or bring you joy or both. When you feel sad, acknowledge it and allow the feelings to happen. But make it finite if you can rather than wallowing 24/7... that doesn't help.

This thread goes back to July and I take it the affair happened before that? You've therefore spent a huge amount of time having your self-respect damaged and your confidence shattered in the effort to suppress your anger and keep things together with a liar. That takes a lot out of you and it'll take a long time to feel better.

Good luck