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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure if I'm the one in the wrong or if he is

125 replies

FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 17/07/2014 14:07

I've been with my boyfriend for two years now, and had a load of arguments in that time, though I do love him but I sort of hate him too.
The most resent argument we have had is that I'm going away on holiday next year with my family and he can't come as he will have uni. He stared flipping out at me saying I don't care about him and that he will be stressed and I'm not there for him, keeps making me feel bad about going by saying he will be depressed and alone. He is always saying he hates him self and always in every argument says I don't care. He just keeps punishing me for going to go away, I feel like I shouldn't have wanted to go now because of all the arguments it's caused. He keeps bringing up past arguments and blaming me for everything, and basically says I'm a useless girlfriend. Whenever I get mad at him for something he turns it back on me making it my fault. I really feel like it is all my fault and I'm too blame, he makes me feel like I'm a terrible person. So would you punish your partners consistently if they were going away without you?

OP posts:
justmuddlingalong · 17/07/2014 14:10

If I was in your situation, I would walk away. Your relationship sounds unhealthy, unhappy and too much like hard work. Sorry.

Flexibilityiskey · 17/07/2014 14:11

You are not in the wrong. He sounds like he is really messing with your head, making everything out to be your fault. To be honest, he sounds hideous. Does he have any good points?

isseywithcats · 17/07/2014 14:12

run like hell girl he will just get more controlling is he an adult he sounds very childish if he cant survive without you for what a two week vacation, how the hell is he going to cope with the pressure of university,

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 17/07/2014 14:12

He does have good points, he is nice most of the time but when he gets into a mood he's horrid

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 17/07/2014 14:13

He is wrong. You're going with your family ffs not on a wild week with "the girls" (which you'd still be entitled to, but I could see triggering jealousy). Things won't get any better! He sounds insecure and controlling. You deserve better. Also lots of arguments after 2 years is not good! Where will you be in 20 years time?
Get out whilst you can!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/07/2014 14:13

Of course he's in the wrong. He's aggressive, immature, selfish, controlling, petty and he's trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants by intimidating, threatening and trying to make you feel guilty.

Please read this article urgently because you're in an emotionally abusive, uhealthy relationship. I wouldn't waste a minute more of my time on him. Don't be a 'useless girlfriend', be the 'ex girlfriend'

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 17/07/2014 14:13

This is a terrible relationship. Please don't waste any more of your best years on it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/07/2014 14:15

7. Punishes you for time away
Abusers want you all to themselves. If you do go somewhere or do something without your partner, or even if he or she goes along but others are also there, an emotional abuser will punish you later. An abuser may shout, insult, threaten or worse, all because you were not exclusively hanging out with him or her.

This is what he's doing isn't it?

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 17/07/2014 14:15

I don't know how to not be with him, I don't have many friends to talk to anymore and the one I do have says everyone gets into arguments.

OP posts:
CanaryYellow · 17/07/2014 14:17

Don't even think of cancelling the holiday for next year. It's a long way off. You will hopefully have come to your senses and dumped him by then.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/07/2014 14:17

If someone else was writing this what would your own counsel be here?.

This is a very unhealthy and at its core an emotionally abusive relationship. You should not be together at all. He needs to be dumped immediately by you. All he is now doing is dragging you further down with him.

It won't get any better for you if you stay within this and he has likely been abusive throughout much of the two years you have been together.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?.

This is NOT at all how normal mutually respectful relationships work. He is like this as well because he can and you cannot rescue and or save him from his own self. Any rescuer/saviour streak you have needs to be severely reigned in as of now.

What is there to actually love about this individual?. If you were to look at this properly you would perhaps see that the "good" times are becoming far less. Any "highs" in this relationship do not at all make up for the lows, the drama he creates and the ongoing abuse he metes out towards you. He is making you feel terrible because he can, he has that power and control over you.

Read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Also look at Womens Aid Freedom Programme because such men like this one do take some considerable time to recover from. You cannot afford to make the same relationship errors over and over. Love your own self for a change!.

It is not you, its him.

LoisPuddingLane · 17/07/2014 14:17

You don't know how not to be with him? I would suggest starting to learn, because he really isn't a great companion by the sound of it.

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 17/07/2014 14:17

He's my first long term relationship, I don't know how to end it. I feel like I might regret it after

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/07/2014 14:18

You can make new friends. Please don't listen to someone who says everyone gets into arguments. They are not your friend, they are making excuses for his terrible behaviour. Does your boyfriend like you going out on you own? Does he encourage you to pursue hobbies, sports or other interests where you might meet new people?

LoisPuddingLane · 17/07/2014 14:19

You might regret leaving someone who calls you "useless"?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/07/2014 14:19

"He does have good points, he is nice most of the time but when he gets into a mood he's horrid"

Abusers are not nasty all the time; they can be just "nice" long enough to sucker their victim (and you were targeted by him as well) back in.

Its a continuous cycle and you are his emotional punchbag. This is exactly how abusive men operate; its one of their modus operandi. Such men hate women, all of them. You need to dump his sorry behind as of now, he will never make you happy because he is at heart abusive and only cares about his own self.

isseywithcats · 17/07/2014 14:22

i can promise you that when you have ended this relationship, made new friends (hes isolated you already) got anew life with good supportive people round you , you will lokk back and think why didnt i do this earlier, im at the other end of the age spectrum and my ex husband did this to me, isolated me, threw as stroppy everytime i went to go any where or do anything without him, then i found out he was cheating on me, and now 3 years later i have a job i like, friends i like and im fine without him and a new guy who treats me right, we dont live together but what he does when im not there and what i do when hes not here are our own lives and no conflict

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/07/2014 14:22

"He's my first long term relationship, I don't know how to end it. I feel like I might regret it after"

How to end it - well you say, "this is no longer working for me so do not contact me any longer. We are no longer together. Goodbye.

I do not think you would regret it at all. If there was any regret from you it would be from yourself wondering why on earth you did not see him for the abusive rat he was far earlier. Its not your fault though, abusers can be very plausible to those in the outside world and abuse such as you've had is insidious in its onset.

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 17/07/2014 14:23

He's actually annoyed at me because I chose to change what career I wanted to go into he thinks I should have stuck to the first option and gone uni

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/07/2014 14:24

"He's my first long term relationship, I don't know how to end it"

Your boyfriend is not a stable person. If he reacts the way you describe about a holiday which is a year off, he's going to react even worse to being dumped. Expect everything from tears to suicide threats. Abusive, controlling people don't want to let go that easily. So make sure you have someone else there when you tell him it's over. Be safe

Did you read that article I linked? 10 signs you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship

LoisPuddingLane · 17/07/2014 14:25

He's annoyed at you because you made an autonomous choice about your own career? He should be supportive of your decision. DUMP HIM.

isseywithcats · 17/07/2014 14:26

if you decide later that you picked the wrong choice of career you can always go to uni later on as a mature student i was 40 when i started my degree and loved it, i went part time and worked

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/07/2014 14:26

"He's actually annoyed at me because I chose to change what career I wanted to go into he thinks I should have stuck to the first option and gone uni"

9. Is extremely jealous

A prominent trait of abusers is their jealousy. An abusive partner or spouse is often jealous of you, other people and even your dreams and goals. Their jealousy and rage over intangible things like your aspirations stem from the lack of control they feel over those aspects of your life.

Again, this is classic abusive behaviour

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/07/2014 14:27

Oh ferret, give this person the boot as of now and live your own life as YOU choose. You do not need a man to validate you and dictate to you how he feels you should live (i.e. to serve him at all times at your own emotional expense). This is in no way loving behaviour from him; this is control and controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour.

KouignAmann · 17/07/2014 14:31

You are still young from the sound of things and have a life ahead of you. Be brave and end this relationship so you can make decisions for yourself not dancing around this sulky manchild.
My lovely DD1 23 has just ended a similar relationship with a very negative boyfriend. He told her she would regret it and that she wouldn't find anyone as prepared to put up with her as he was.
It will hurt initially like having a rotten tooth removed but you will soon feel better!