Not sure if I'm the one in the wrong or if he is

[FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids]

I've been with my boyfriend for two years now, and had a load of arguments in that time, though I do love him but I sort of hate him too.
The most resent argument we have had is that I'm going away on holiday next year with my family and he can't come as he will have uni. He stared flipping out at me saying I don't care about him and that he will be stressed and I'm not there for him, keeps making me feel bad about going by saying he will be depressed and alone. He is always saying he hates him self and always in every argument says I don't care. He just keeps punishing me for going to go away, I feel like I shouldn't have wanted to go now because of all the arguments it's caused. He keeps bringing up past arguments and blaming me for everything, and basically says I'm a useless girlfriend. Whenever I get mad at him for something he turns it back on me making it my fault. I really feel like it is all my fault and I'm too blame, he makes me feel like I'm a terrible person. So would you punish your partners consistently if they were going away without you?

It sounds like your relationship is having a bad effect on your self esteem and self belief and is isolating you from friends. Stay in it and expect more of the same. Expect his behaviour to get generally worse, not better, over time.

More stable and less selfish people would be pleased you're going on holiday with your family. They want the person they love to have a good time and enjoy themselves.

I get that this is your first long term relationship, but don't start out by settling for something that's so unhealthy for you personally. Ending it would be a gift to your future self. Ending it is the only way to have a chance for a mutually supportive, appreciative and caring relationship where a partner is PLEASED when you get to do things you'll enjoy.

Yeah I did read it and it seems he fits into a lot of them, I don't think he would care if I dumped him he's always threatening me with it

I did say to him in anger to act like a normal person, I know he could be nicer about it, he said he would be but today started it up again along with all the wrong thongs I've done

He may not care but I am almost certain he would go off the deep end as a way to guilt-trip you into staying with him. If he pulled all the tricks you describe over a holiday, he is thoroughly unreasonable.

Can I ask how old you are? You sound quite young. Do your parents like this guy? Are they aware of how he's really behaving or is he always charming in front of them?

*things

I'm only 17, I know I'm just young and stupid and shouldn't be letting him get to me. I'm not sure my family sort of hate him but like him when he's nice. I'm not sure exactly what they think

He behaves sort of the same in front of them, he snaps at me in a aggressive way and they notice that. My brother said he hates him because of how he treats me

Very nearly 18

"started it up again along with all the wrong thongs I've done"

That's called 'bullying'. So what if you've done things wrong in the past? What gives him the right to browbeat you with them? Please give this boy the elbow. He may be your first long-term relationship and you may think you love him when he's being nice but it's important that you recognise his behaviour is appalling and that you have the right not to be treated badly. If you assert yourself over this, you will gain confidence.

I've done things that aren't very nice so I can understand that he keeps bringing that up

You're 17; this is not the relationship template either you want to have for yourself going forward. And yes you were targeted by him; such people like this like outwardly confident young women but with shaky inner self worth and or low self esteem to further drag down and punish for their own failings.

You deserve better than he you truly do but you really need to believe that fact for your own self. He is doing and saying all the words and actions many abusive types use to keep their chosen victim in check.

You're young but you're not stupid because you've had the presence of mind to turn to an internet forum to cross-check that this is not how it should go. That's intelligence.

What I'd definitely recommend is that you talk to your family now. If your brother's seen through him, chances are your parents feel the same way. Parents know that, if you say 'I don't like that boy', it makes them really attractive :) So they will be waiting for you to say 'help me... it's over' and I expect they will be incredibly pleased and relieved when you do.

Your brother's opinion is very instructive. He is looking out for his sister.

I was in a similar relationship to you when I was younger - my boyfriend managed to isolate me from most of my friends and wanted me to phone him every day when I was on holiday with my parents (showing my age rather here - this was before mobiles were everywhere and it was a pain having to phone from a payphone abroad).

He would create arguments (obviously everything was my fault), which I now realise was so we could then have make up sex and so that I would see how wonderful he was and how lucky I was to be with him.

Finishing the relationship was hard. I got out, got sucked back in, made some bad decisions and hurt one of the few friends I had remaining. I finally made the break by getting away physically (another family holiday) and ceasing all contact with him.

He didn't take it well, threatened all kinds of things and I did end up having to explain things to a very understanding A&E nurse who phoned me after he "attempted suicide" and told her I was his only friend. At least his actions proved to me just how dysfunctional he/the relationship was.

Anyway the point I intended to make when I started typing is this:

I have never regretted ending the relationship.

I really don't think you will either once you've made the break. Please leave him and allow yourself to be happy with someone who won't emotionally abuse you.

I know I deserve better but I really feel like I can't get it

"I've done things that aren't very nice so I can understand that he keeps bringing that up"

We've all done things that aren't very nice in the past. But they stay in the past. Only a bully rakes the past up so that they can fling it in your face.

I don't post very often but feel compelled in this case as it sounds very similar to me at your age. I wasted over 2 years on a man who was very willing to highlight my faults and blame me for his jealousy and issues (as I had supposedly done outrageous things). This was over a decade ago and I still get very angry at how he isolated me from my friends and damaged my self esteem with his rubbish.

You are about to enter one of the most exciting times of your life. Don't let him spoil it. Follow your dreams and you will find friends, and another DP who will love and respect the real you along the way.

"I know I deserve better but I really feel like I can't get it"

This forum can be quite hard-hitting and I don't know if you were expecting the responses you've got? But that feeling of not being able to get something better... you mean you don't think anyone else will go out with you?.... is your battered confidence. Boys like your boyfriend do that to girls. Make them feel bad and ugly and worthless so that they stick around thinking no-one else will want them. Getting him out of the picture will feel terrible to begin with but your confidence will go up afterwards.

Your boyfriend there is an abusive waste of space. He will continue to crush you until you are a husk of the girl you once were, then he will hold that against you and crush you some more.

He is entirely motivated by self interest - he does not give a shiney shit what's good for you, or what you want - he only cares about having you dangling on the end of his strings like servile little puppet, soley committed to his needs and his needs alone.

This is not a nice guy, and certainly not anyone you should continue to spend your youth with. Ditch his sorry arse pronto, and LIVE girl!

I think I expected this response really, I just wanted to know that Im not bad guy, and that it's not my fault

It's definitely not you! It's him. It's ALL him.

You are definitely not the bad guy. I remember what it is like to question yourself as they have you doubting everything - my ex was relentless in this way.

As soon as you get away from him life will keep becoming clearer. Use your family as support and make a clean break.

My boyfriend would also threaten to end the relationship, until it got to the point where I realised I needed to leave him and suddenly he stopped.

I also did things that weren't nice while I was with him.

You won't regret leaving him. You'll be amazed by how good you feel once you've got through the difficult bit of the break up. Please don't waste any more time in this relationship.

I just wanted to know that Im not bad guy, and that it's not my fault

Well now you know that a) you are not the bad guy and b) it is not your fault he is the ways he is.

What do you know about his own family background; that often gives clues.

He is acting precisely how emotionally abusive men operate. He will destroy you emotionally and completely if you actually carry on with this "relationship" beyond today.

Longer term reading the Lundy Bancroft book I wrote of and looking at Womens Aid Freedom Programme will do you a lot of favours going forward. You need to recognise the red flags.

I'd guess your family are doing their best not to put you into a situation where you have to choose either them or him, so are not telling you just how worried they are about the situation.

But they will be hoping that you see him for what he is before long, and that you can get out of this relationship before you waste more of your time and attention on him.

Actually, they are probably waiting for him to go off to uni in the hope that he'll be gone then an that the relationship will come to an end.

You're young and naive - that's not the same as stupid. This is the first time you've been round this path, and it can take a while to recognise what's good and bad in relationships. Your friends who say 'everyone argues' are probably equally new to relationships, and can't see the difference between the normal falling out and this kind of behaviour.

He's not good for you. He never will be.

Better to recognise that now and give you a chance to start fresh, without him.

Maybe have your mum there when you break up, if you get on with her? People like this can get very nasty when you decide to break with them no mater how often they have threatened the same.

The threats are to keep you 'obedient' because you'll do as you're told rather than risk losing him. You're not supposed to call their bluff.