Not sure if I'm the one in the wrong or if he is

[FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids]

I've been with my boyfriend for two years now, and had a load of arguments in that time, though I do love him but I sort of hate him too.
The most resent argument we have had is that I'm going away on holiday next year with my family and he can't come as he will have uni. He stared flipping out at me saying I don't care about him and that he will be stressed and I'm not there for him, keeps making me feel bad about going by saying he will be depressed and alone. He is always saying he hates him self and always in every argument says I don't care. He just keeps punishing me for going to go away, I feel like I shouldn't have wanted to go now because of all the arguments it's caused. He keeps bringing up past arguments and blaming me for everything, and basically says I'm a useless girlfriend. Whenever I get mad at him for something he turns it back on me making it my fault. I really feel like it is all my fault and I'm too blame, he makes me feel like I'm a terrible person. So would you punish your partners consistently if they were going away without you?

OP you could be me 20 years ago. I wasted 6 years with a guy like the one you describe, whenever We had a disagreement he made me feel like I was unreasonable and it was all my fault. He'd use emotional blackmail to bully me into doing what he wanted and by then end of it I felt very low, had no confidence and my self esteem was in my boots. Even now when my DH does nice things just because he thinks I will like it/to be nice I can never beeline there isn't an ulterior motive. Please don't stay with this man, you deserve better

It's carrot and stick. When you are 'good' you get treated nicely. When you are 'bad' you 'make him' be horrible and argue. Reward and punishment.

How could it possibly be your fault?

He is angry because you plan to do normal family things.
He is angry because you want to make your own choice of career.
He is mad at you for having had sex before you met him.

How exactly could you stop him from that?

Would you give up your family for him? Give up your choice of career? Somehow go back in time so that he was the only man you'd ever had sex with?

Even if you did all that, he'd find something else to get angry about, something else to use to control you.

People like this are never happy with anyone, and always have to make their girlfriend/wife feel bad. It's the only kind of relationship they know.

Listen, if even if it were you "making" him behave badly, then surely he would accept that in that case it's better if you end it, because then you wouldn't be there to "make" him behave badly.

But no, it's not even remotely you, it's just him being a pathetic jealous immature and insecure loser who makes you feel bad about yourself so that you'll "need" him.

Just. Walk. Away. Once you actually do it, you'll wonder why you ever thought it would be so hard.

You have your whole life ahead of you. Think about that. Think about your next 5, 10, 20 years with him, and the constant jealousy, put-downs, arguments.

Then think about your life over the next 5, 10, 20 years free of those arguments. Being free to travel, explore your career options, have fun, maybe stay single for a while, maybe meet someone who actually appreciates you.... so many exciting options.

Which future do you want for yourself?

He's making me feel like it's my fault he's like this.

Obviously...it couldn't possibly be him at fault could it?
But remember this...you don't 'make him' do or say anything at all. What he says or does is by his own free choice. He prefers you to think it's of your own doing so he may absolve himself of the responsibility of his own bad behaviour, and blame you for it.
And again - he probably even believes his own bullshit, and imagines it IS you, because he's a fucked up puppy...so there's no point in trying to enlighten him...he won't be interested, unless it's useful for him to go along with what you say in his 'nice' phase, to keep you hopeful and hooked.

Sorry if I'm bombarding you a bit by the way...but you are very much in a domestic abuse situation, and I would like you to see how.

He won't ever ever stop me seeing my family, he's knows he can't change big things.

What...like your future holiday plans with them? Or your career?
He certainly thinks he can change those 'big things' doesn't he?

He gets annoyed and says I care more about my family than him, but I never listen to him and tell him he's being stupid.

He thinks being a cook isn't a proper career and that I'd just be moving from pub to pub

That's because he believes that you having anyone else you love in your life other than him, is a betrayal. Even if it's your immediate family...your parents and siblings who love you right back!
It is all about him, and always will be. You are inconsequential. Your desires, your hopes, your loves, your needs...none of those matter to him, because your role is to pander to his.

You have no future at all if you stay with this person, its as black and white as that. He will destroy you utterly as a person and he is trying to destroy you even now. He won;t stop you seeing your family - well yet anyway. He will still try and isolate you even further and he has already tried to influence both your holiday plans and future career choices.

Cooking is not a proper career he says; well he should try telling that to the likes of Jamie Oliver and Michel Roux.

All he cares about is him and his own needs. He is an abusive arsehole of the first order.

BTW is he much older than you?.

No just a month older he's a bit immature still.

Look what you forth your career is YOUR choice. Not his and it's certainly not his place to JUDGE.
Loving your family doesn't mean you don't love him. It's not a competition. If he thinks it is, he has lost already.
But putting you down, threatening you, constantly having a go, saying he is going to kill himself or that if he is like this, it's your fault. All that is down yo him being a twat and arsehole.

Are you living together? Of you are, could you move back with your mum for a bit? You need to leave. This guy is going to suck all life out if you!

I don't want to see you regret wasting your youth on this odious creature OP.

"He is a bit immature still?"

No, no and no again. Please tell me you do not think that his appalling treatment of you is solely due to his supposed immaturity!. He is systematically wreaking your life and when he is done with you he will simply move onto the next nice and naïve girl to further punish.

(On a far wider level it makes me think that relationships generally need to be talked about a lot more also as a part of the secondary school curriculum).

No I'm at home, not planning on leaving anytime soon.

A man who actually cared for you would be upset to think he has hurt you. He wouldn't repeatedly say things he knows hurt and upset you. He likes having power over you. He doesn't remotely care for you, you are essentially a possession.

Don't waste another text on him (well, after the "you're dumped" one.)

I think, even if you don't want to get into agreeing that he is being abusive, that maybe you can see that this relationship isn't really working.

That's not surprising - at 17, together for two years, you are both still finding yourselves as people in the wider world. It's not unusual to reach about this age - I'm guessing you both are just coming to the end of school? - and see that no matter how much you have shared together, it's time to have separate lives and be yourselves.

Neither of you sounds like you are happy together - he blames you for everything, you recognise that he is being immature and petty in the things he throws back at you.

Time to move on.

amuminScotland quite.

This could all be over, so easily, OP. "You're dumped." Two words. And then you are free.

Ferret - you are 17! You have the entire world at your feet - and if you 'don't know how to finish it' becasue you never have, then it's a skill worth learning!

Presumably if he is off to Uni in Sept you will not seee so much of each other anyway? You can quietly distance yourself, and dump by text then - He'll prob be doing the same...

OP, relationships are not meant to be full of angst and, oh, sometimes I hate him, and he has a go at me for things I did years ago.

That's not normal. You will look back and be so proud of yourself for being smart enough to get that and move on.

Go on, there's nothing stopping you. Truly, nothing.

Do you realise that what he thinks and what he says are completely different.
He says everything is your fault - your stupid for doing catering, disgusting for sleeping with someone in the past
What he feels is - I know she's too good for me. I don't want her to realise this so I'll tell her she's rubbish all the time and she'll worry so much about that that she won't realise what a dick I am.
Honestly, at 15 I met one of these. At 17 I left him. He was exactly like this but violent on top. When I felt like you do I kept it in. I eventually broke down and told my mum and I have to say, she was phenomenal. She took me to meet him to dump him, looked after me afterwards, got my friends to come and see me and take me out and she was like my shield - she wouldn't let hkm anywhere near me.
This was 11 years ago, and now when we talk about it she says she was so proud of me asking for help.
It's so so hard when you're in the middle of it but please believe me when I say ITS NOT YOU. It's him.
You can do better. Ask your brother, I bet he can see it :)

Love shouldn't be tortuous and difficult and about finding the good that's deep inside someone... Star crossed lovers make great stories, but are rubbish to live your life in.

Don't stay in this relationship because you love him when he's nice, it shouldn't be this much hard work, and actually, he wouldn't manipulate you and say awful things and threaten you if it was a healthy kind of love that will make you both happy.

Romeo and Juliet, twilight, pretty much any love story you can think of don't have good relationship patterns in them... They have dramatic tension, tortuous pain mixed with ecstatic pleasure, and plot twists everywhere ... And if you get all that in real life, you dont happiness, freedom or stability - stability to dream dreams and make an amazing future come true.

Don't get conned into thinking real love is what you're experiencing now, as you'll end up missing out on so much in life, so much wonderful experiences, and loves, and you'll miss out on seeing how amazing you are when you reach for your dreams and make them come true.

LEAVE THE FUCKING BASTARD.

Do yourself a favour and just dump him.

Relationships shouldn't be hard work at your age, they should be fun.