Not sure if I'm the one in the wrong or if he is

[FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids]

I've been with my boyfriend for two years now, and had a load of arguments in that time, though I do love him but I sort of hate him too.
The most resent argument we have had is that I'm going away on holiday next year with my family and he can't come as he will have uni. He stared flipping out at me saying I don't care about him and that he will be stressed and I'm not there for him, keeps making me feel bad about going by saying he will be depressed and alone. He is always saying he hates him self and always in every argument says I don't care. He just keeps punishing me for going to go away, I feel like I shouldn't have wanted to go now because of all the arguments it's caused. He keeps bringing up past arguments and blaming me for everything, and basically says I'm a useless girlfriend. Whenever I get mad at him for something he turns it back on me making it my fault. I really feel like it is all my fault and I'm too blame, he makes me feel like I'm a terrible person. So would you punish your partners consistently if they were going away without you?

Most of his family are nice, quite a few of people he really cared about passed away. But I really hate his mum, she's very judgmental and has a go at her husband and my boyfriend about such stupid things.

Then your boyfriend is aping his bully of a mother by having a go at you. Often the way. You know, if you don't fancy dumping him personally, I'm sure your brother or your parents would quite happily do it for you.

Threats to end the relationship are a common tactic of the abuser. It's designed to scare you into toeing the line, and remaining under his control.

I mean really...look at this objectively...who the hell in their right mind thinks it's reasonable to berate a 17yr old for going on holiday with her parents in a year's time?
It's sheer lunacy...and the very fact that you are questioning whether or not he has a point, just goes to show what a good job he has done in manipulating you to believe that pursuing ordinary pleasures, is somehow an outrage that must be stamped on.
What a wanker.

It wouldn't be right of me to do it in front of people, or allow others to do it for me. I'd probably be happier without him and maybe a lot less stressed.

I agree with amuminScotland there.
Your family will be playing the long game. They will be worried that to voice their concern over this rude and arrogant person who treats their daughter like shit, will be to force you further into his lair. When you dump him, they will be so relieved. Bet you!

You will definitely be happier without him, and certainly a lot less stressed.

"But I really hate his mum, she's very judgmental and has a go at her husband and my boyfriend about such stupid things".

Not at all surprised to read the above.

Like mother, like son. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our own parents; look at what his mother taught him.

"It wouldn't be right of me to do it in front of people"

Hear what you're saying but please stay safe. Emotionally abusive people can turn physically abusive when they are backed into a corner. Stay safe.

If they were really concerned I'd listen to them, I trust my mums judgment completely.

I was really upset by what my brother said, I didn't think people noticed his behaviour. I thought I was just overreacting but clearly not.

"It wouldn't be right of me to do it in front of people"

But it would be right to dump his behind in front of other people because you need to stay safe. Also such abusers do not let go of their victims at all easily; he will try all sorts now to stay with you and or threaten suicide to keep you in check. Do not underestimate how nasty he can or will get here. He wants to keep you under his sole control and will go all out to achieve that aim.

"I was really upset by what my brother said"

I think you should give your brother a massive hug for saying it. That's real love.

cogito I did give him a massive cuddle

And please talk to your mum. Tell her everything so that she has the full story. You mentioned a couple of times something bad you did in the past. As well as using it as a stick to beat you with, was he holding it over you, threatening to tell others what you did?

He threatened to tell my mum but I knew my mum wouldn't hold it against me and she does know everything I tell her most of the time when he's upset me.

He sort of over exaggerated the things I did, he didn't care about the reason behind it or how I was feeling he was just mad that I did it. And he constantly reminds me off it, like if I get mad he says well at least I didn't.... So I can't get mad at him

So he's a blackmailer as well. Now be honest, are you definitely going to give him the heave-ho or are you still in two minds but don't want to admit as much in the face of the massed ranks of MN? :) We can be a scary bunch and you shouldn't feel pressurised to do something just because we say so. That would make us as bad as your boyfriend.

What's your feeling now... what's the plan?

I really have no idea

Listen to your brother. He knows you and he knows young men. If he doesn't like a boyfriend of yours, then take that very, very seriously.

What else do you have to focus on in your life at the moment? What are your dreams for yourself in the future? What new interests and friendships would you like to explore? There is so much more in life than having a boyfriend. It seems like you have gotten a bit too focused on having one, which is entirely normal as bad relationships suck energy. But there is much more to life. Time to end this relationship, start focusing on building the life you want for you, and don't worry, there are plenty of men in your future.

One thing I can tell you about men for sure, is there will always be another one along.

I want to be a cook, I really enjoy it, that and reading are like my escape

When an abuser's victim shows any signs of independent thinking/standing up for themselves/desire to do something the abuser does not want them to do, it very quickly gets painted as them being unloving/uncaring/selfish/cold.
It's a classic and often used trait of the emotionally abusive...and what's even scarier, is that their heads are jammed so far up their own arseholes, they genuinely believe it to be the case. They are incapable and unwilling to conceive of anyone's needs other than their own, so their sense of being unjustly aggrieved is real.

I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that he comes over as being very plausible indeed, owing to that belief. You, as a normal, caring, emapthetic human being, immediately assume that the strength of his feeling (like calling you a 'useless girlfriend') means there must be something in what he says, so you question and doubt yourself, and time and again find yourself complying with his demands because he has succeeded in making you feel guilty, and as though you alone are responsible for his emotional wellbeing.

That's how it works my friend. That's how women years older and more experienced than you, end up spending years in miserable relationships being bullied and abused by some smear of shit, in the name of 'love'.

For fuck's sake don't let it be you. x

Sounds very good. Have you made a plan for how you are going to achieve your dreams? Maybe if you make a plan for the next while, it will give you a new focus and then you can see if you want your boyfriend dragging you down or not.

Also, tell your Mum whatever it is your boyfriend is blackmailing you with. She will want to know and the best thing to do with someone behaving like your boyfriend is, is by removing his power to blackmail you. He can't threaten you with telling something everyone already knows.

It doesn't bother me if they do find out because I know They wouldn't respond the way he hopes, I'm going to college to learn catering and then take it from there.

Please get out of this relationship! Don't waste any more time or energy on him. He is emotionally abusive and manipulative. Many of the things you have said sound exactly like what an ex did to me, except I was much older than you. The constant arguments, isolating, saying how crap I was and why I was always at fault, exaggerating less than wonderful things I had done so they sounded much worse that they were, threatening to end the relationship (unless I behave myself) and claiming that I will never find anyone else/anyone who is as good to me as he is, massive strops if I spent any time doing something nice without him. Plus the fact that you were actually not sure whether it is you or he that is in the wrong - typical behaviour from this type of person. They fuck with your head and your sense of self so much that you end up doubting yourself. You WILL survive without this relationship. Creating dependency is another tactic they adopt - whether it is by isolating you, making out you are unworthy of anyone else's love, whatever it is, it's classic behaviour.

It really is not you. It's him. All him. And he's not going to change. Get out. Have a lovely holiday and don't look back - he is so not worth it.

XX

Oh and my ex told me all these stories about these terrible exGFs he'd had. How they'd taken advantage of him, screwed him over, hurt him. How his only crime was to be too nice, too understanding and too tolerant. Yeah. Right. No doubt I am now another in the list of bitch exGFs that he whines on about to other women he's trying to con into going out with him.

As a previous poster said, he probably really believes it to be true! Wanker.