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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure if I'm the one in the wrong or if he is

125 replies

FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 17/07/2014 14:07

I've been with my boyfriend for two years now, and had a load of arguments in that time, though I do love him but I sort of hate him too.
The most resent argument we have had is that I'm going away on holiday next year with my family and he can't come as he will have uni. He stared flipping out at me saying I don't care about him and that he will be stressed and I'm not there for him, keeps making me feel bad about going by saying he will be depressed and alone. He is always saying he hates him self and always in every argument says I don't care. He just keeps punishing me for going to go away, I feel like I shouldn't have wanted to go now because of all the arguments it's caused. He keeps bringing up past arguments and blaming me for everything, and basically says I'm a useless girlfriend. Whenever I get mad at him for something he turns it back on me making it my fault. I really feel like it is all my fault and I'm too blame, he makes me feel like I'm a terrible person. So would you punish your partners consistently if they were going away without you?

OP posts:
Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 17/07/2014 15:53

Great now my friend is taking his side, saying I'd react the same and that I'm never happy :(

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/07/2014 15:56

That's not a friend. Are you being texted? Send a message back.... You're right. I am never happy being bullied.

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 17/07/2014 15:59

I'm just shocked she said that

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/07/2014 16:02

I'm just old codger but, if I was to take a guess, I think she's jealous of you and she fancies your soon-to-be-ex boyfriend.

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 17/07/2014 16:03

Lovely he's now mad that I slept with my best friend before I even met him and that I'm disgusting for doing it :( he just keeps bringing up stupid and pathetic things that don't matter.

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Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 17/07/2014 16:05

She's getting married :) defiantly not her type Grin

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/07/2014 16:06

Is he messaging you with all this rubbish? If so, now's your chance to message back 'we're over'. Then I'd recommend you cut all contact with him and your so-called friend. The pair of them sound like they're ganging up on you

pictish · 17/07/2014 16:07

By the way...if or when you do decide to rid yourself of this absolute millstone round your neck, I bet you my last tenner now, he will threaten to kill himself. He sounds the type. Needy, demanding, manipulative, full of threats, and supposedly crippled with self loathing.
As far as he is concerned, his happiness is entirely your responsibility, while yours is of no concern at all. How can you even think of going on holiday when he is there to serve?

Well guess what? Anyone worth being with, takes responsibility for themselves. No one can live their life purely for the appeasement of someone else, and those individuals who demand their partners do, are rotten to the core.

Think of it this way...what normal, well adjusted person wants to be in a relationship with someone they have had to blackmail, bully and threaten into being there?

So yeah...he might give you the I-might-as-well-kill-myself schtick, but pay no heed to his guilt tripping if he does, because he won't kill himself. He is motivated by self interest alone, and he'll simply move on to some other poor unsuspecting girl to control and bully thereafter...and while it's a dreadful pity for her, you will be free!

PatriciaHolm · 17/07/2014 16:07

So stop engaging with him.

Honestly - you don't need to ever see him again if you don't want to. Send him a text saying it's over, no arguments, that's it. Change your number, or block his.

You are so much more than this pathetic man's verbal (and eventually physical) punch bag.

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 17/07/2014 16:07

Yeah he normally has a go over text

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Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 17/07/2014 16:08

He has threatened to kill himself before loads. I don't believe a word of it

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AMumInScotland · 17/07/2014 16:13

Time to draw a line under this relationship. You can see him for what he is, can't you?

Text him back. Say "You know what? This isn't working for me any more. We're over."

Then turn your phone off for a while.

pictish · 17/07/2014 16:13

And neither you should.
You'll have to finish things anyway...I cannot see how you can have a single grain of respect for him left. Truly.

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 17/07/2014 16:16

I don't know what to do because he can be so lovely and make me happy, I just can't stand all the arguments.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/07/2014 16:19

All abusive people can be lovely when they're not being abusive. It's how they keep you on the hook. If they were horrible all the time, you wouldn't have anything to do with them. So they show you 'Nice Boyfriend' just enough to keep you wondering if you're doing the right thing. Never mistake the cessation of abuse for kindness

Itsfab · 17/07/2014 16:20

I read up to where you said you hate him and thought this is no relationship.

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 17/07/2014 16:21

Only when he's being horrible and making me feel shit

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pictish · 17/07/2014 16:22

Well of course he's lovely sometimes...if he was horrid ALL the time, you'd just up and leave wouldn't you?
No abuser is ever horrible all the time...that would be terribly self defeating of them wouldn't it? No one would stay long enough to become their victim in the first place!
The cycle of nice to nasty and back to nice again plays a very important role in keeping the victim locked into the relationship.

pictish · 17/07/2014 16:23

Never mistake the cessation of abuse for kindness.

Absolutely.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/07/2014 16:23

"Great now my friend is taking his side, saying I'd react the same and that I'm never happy"

That person also is no friend of yours and needs to be summarily excised from your life as well as of now. You need to further expand your own horizons rather than be in any thrall to people who want to drag you down to their lowlife level.

Many emotionally abusive men do threaten to kill themselves and often repeat it over and over; again its a control mechanism used to keep their victim in this case you in line.

Text him the "we're over" message and then block his number from your phone. Expect a whole heap of crap to come raining down on you from him via any winged monkeys like this person you write out above. He will not let go of you easily now he has his claws into you. You have to break free of him otherwise you will lose your own sense of self. That's his aim here; to punish you.

Original poster
FluffedUpFerretOnSteroids · 17/07/2014 16:23

He's making me feel like it's my fault he's like this.

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AMumInScotland · 17/07/2014 16:25

As Cog says, of course he is nice some of the time. He has to 'reward' you for your good behaviour as well as 'punish' you for doing things he doesn't like. That's how you get people to behave the way you want.

But nice people don't deliberately do that, it just sort of happens that we smile and are nice back to people who are nice to us, and frown and get grumpy to people who are nasty to us.

What he is doing is much more than that - he is constantly criticising you for perfectly normal things so that you won't know where you stand, threatening to kill himself so you feel you can't leave him, reminding you of things you did long ago as if that made you a bad person, and trying to control who you see and what you do.

pictish · 17/07/2014 16:25

This may help to illustrate what I mean.

Not sure if I'm the one in the wrong or if he is
AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/07/2014 16:26

I have already stated that abusers can be nice sometimes because if they were not no woman would want to be with them. Also they can appear plausible to those in the outside world.

The nice/nasty cycle of abuse (look that up) is a continuous one and you're in that same cycle with him.

Abuse like this is insidious in its onset and he has ramped up the power and control ante over time to boot.

Never mistake the cessation of abuse for kindness. Indeed and a 1000 times over.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE.

cardamomginger · 17/07/2014 16:27

Being lovely some of the time is classic behaviour. (It might not just be the cessation of abuse - DAMN good point there!! - it might be romantic gestures, presents, meals out, etc.) This is what makes it so hard - they are never (or rarely!) 100% awful. Blaming you for 'making' him be like that, when he is horrible, is typical of this type of person. You made me do it. It's your fault. It's all designed to add to your sense of confusion and doubt and to keep the power with him.