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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how to deal with someone who threatens to end relationship but never does

132 replies

londongirl15 · 16/07/2014 12:51

My husband and I argue quite frequently and he is quite impatient and likes to get his own way. Our last big argument was over his refusal to put our baby to bed ( my 2 children from my previous marriage live with us and it would be nice if I only had to put them to bed now and again) the following day he said he was sick of the petty bickering and didn't see a future for our relationship/thought it was a mistake to marry. He then just carried on as normal. If I try and discuss what he has said he turns it around on me and says I am destroying our relationship by casting doubt on it. I just feel things are unresolved though as he will only say he gets frustrated with me and I need to forget the past. He never says that he didn't mean it. As a result I become more and more apprehensive about asking for help with our baby and end up not telling him stuff. Yesterday I found out my job is at risk (I will probably be made redundant before I return off maternity leave) I warned him I needed his support and patience and he asked if I was ok and got me the name of a colleagues dp to send my cv to. Unfortunately last night I was tired after a 5am start with the baby and trying to get them all down to sleep in the evening and although I updated the rest of my cv I forget about my mobile number changing. I apologized to the girl and sent a corrected version of my cv and she was fine. I warned my dh to be patient about what what I was about to tell him but when I told him he called me a "fucking idiot" more than once and seemed more concerned about how it reflected on him. I was very teary after that as am struggling with the thought of leaving the baby\finding childcare\probably going back to work sooner than my maternity leave would be over in order to ensure I have a job and I don't feel secure or supported in our relationship with his repeated threats to leave and the fact that I have to censor what I tell him or he'll lose patience with me. He has apologised for calling me a fucking idiot and I acknowledged that I had done something stupid but he still refuses to discuss the other stuff he has previously said about there being no future in the relationship. He is away to work now and says he'll not contact me today to give me a chance to think about how me bringing up stuff from the past is stupid and threatening to ruin our relationship. Should I just let go of what he previously said? It preys on my mind because I am financing my own maternity leave so if I am to leave I'd better do it before I've used all my savings.

OP posts:
Lilaclily · 16/07/2014 12:53

I'm so sorry but he sounds awful :(
Are you afraid of him?

Flowers have you got family & friends you can talk to?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/07/2014 12:54

To answer your thread title... end the relationship. He's abusive, he's manipulating you into shutting up with the constant threat of separation and the only way to win this one is to call his nasty little bluff. If anyone's ruined this, it's him. Sorry you're with such a shit.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/07/2014 12:56

"He is away to work now and says he'll not contact me today to give me a chance to think about how me bringing up stuff from the past is stupid and threatening to ruin our relationship."

Giving you a chance to think? Arrogant bastard. Why not tell him not to bother coming home if that's his attitude? There's a thread going at the moment entitled 'do men despise women?' This man despises you...

ImperialBlether · 16/07/2014 12:56

Hang on, why are you financing your maternity leave on your own? Is this his child, too?

He sounds really horrible and as though he's happiest when you're on the back foot.

Are you happier when he's away?

HecatePropylaea · 16/07/2014 12:59

Well, in the situation you describe. I'd thank him for his kind offer and take him up on it.

What you describe sounds awful and a miserable way to live.

Mabelface · 16/07/2014 13:00

Yup, call his bluff and agree with him. You can do better than this.

DevonCiderPunk · 16/07/2014 13:02

He is abusing you sweetheart, and you sound so tired and overwhelmed. How can we help?

Original poster
londongirl15 · 16/07/2014 13:02

I'm not terrified of him but am increasingly finding its better to say nothing. I had a hard time after our son was born recovering from a section/cluster feeding/mastitis etc and felt it nearly broke our relationship. His bark is worse than his bite, he is very grumpy. I have never been assertive/good at standing up for myself and tend to back down which probably hasn't helped things. I have friends but am a bit estranged from my family. Thanks

OP posts:
hamptoncourt · 16/07/2014 13:09

I would see a solicitor to see how you can extricate yourself from this horrible abusive man as speedily as possible.

Why are you estranged from your family? I am NC with my DM so it's no accusation, but is it to do with him? Or are you repeating an abusive family dynamic/pattern by being in this relationship which, to be honest, very few people would tolerate.

Original poster
londongirl15 · 16/07/2014 13:11

Cog I always agree with your advice but how can I be certain that the snapshot of this incident is enough and its not me? He frequently tells me I am silly, over reacting etc. Also when I look at threads that say ltb I agree but also know it's unlikely that someone worn down to point of not trusting their own judgement are v unlikely to split up family/move family\schools etc? There are still plenty of nice family times but when I am under pressure he makes things worse rather than just giving me a hug and telling me everything will be fine and he'll help all he can ( this is what I do when he's having a bad time I'd certainly never ever call anyone a fucking idiot)

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 16/07/2014 13:14

Op I've done some stupid things which were mistakes but not once has my DH ever resorted to speaking to me like that. This man is so awful to you, and I hope you see that. He keeps threatening to end it and then twisting it around, you don't treat someone you love this way.
It's his baby too, why should helping you out with his own child be such a big issue. I would leave him if I were you. I agree with cog too.

BarbarianMum · 16/07/2014 13:15

In answer to your thread title - you end it.

A lifetime of 'finding it better to say nothing' is a very long time indeed. And it won't end there - he wants you 'trained' (yes, like a dog) to do his bidding with no questions asked. Honestly, he sounds awful. Sad

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/07/2014 13:17

It's not a snapshot. A snapshot would be a one-off event. You're describing a pattern of selfish, abusive behaviour. Frequent arguments where you are insulted, accused of being stupid, silly, overreacting and threatened with abandonment. That's a campaign of intimidation, not a snapshot. His bark is worse than his bite is just a thing people say to minimise the appalling.

It's not even 'LTB'... it's taking a man on face value and saying 'OK B, go ahead and L'. There's the line in the sand... dare him to cross it. It's a power battle and currently you're losing.

Lweji · 16/07/2014 13:24

In answer to your thread title - you end it.

This.

Why are you financing your maternity leave? Hmm

Get legal advice, financial advice and gather as much info about "his" accounts as you can.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/07/2014 13:41

This sounds bloody horrible!
Why are you putting up with this shite?
He's not a very nice man at all.
He is abusing you.
You can contact Womens Aid to understand this more clearly.

Why oh why are you financing your Mat Leave?
It's his baby too. This is just odd.

What's the house situation?
Is it your house? His house? Shared mortgage?

You should contact CAB to see what you would be entitled to as a single parent.
Also contact CSA to see what maintenance he should be paying

Honestly - he sounds vile!

Meerka · 16/07/2014 13:46

Take him up on his offer to leave, it's the most helpful offer he's going to give you in a long, long time.

Partnerships should be about communicatoin and mutual support and contentment. Not training you to keep quiet and do whatever he wants.

ouryve · 16/07/2014 13:51

I would get it over and done with and leave him before he completely destroyed what self confidence I had left.

Riceball · 16/07/2014 13:54

I have been through this. It is emotional abuse. By threatening you he is bullying you into silence.

HumblePieMonster · 16/07/2014 14:00

If I had a grip, I'd hand it to you and you could use it in an act of violence against him.

It is not normal to have to confess to your husband/partner that you made a mistake on your cv, then corrected it and sent the amended version. Even if he knows the recipient. And it is absolutely abnormal for you to think you have to ask for his patience in advance of telling him. Making a small mistake is a normal, everyday error that you might not mention or might tell light-heartedly in a 'look at me aren't I daft' kind of way.

MNers get very wound up about how people speak to each other. It depends on what's your norm. If I had a partner of like mind to myself, the air would be constantly blue as we swore our heads off to each other, happily enjoying the sounds of the words. Its only a problem that he called you a 'fucking idiot' if its not normal for you or if you felt undermined or intimidated.

He says there is no future in the relationship. Why hasn't he moved on? Because its convenient for him to have you in domestic servitude (as well as working) and presumably he can get sex without effort.

See your solicitor, gather documents and precious things, see the CAB and talk to the local domestic violence unit (he's got you in a dv situation - sorry). Then next time he says 'There's no future in this relationship' say "Oh, I'm so glad you said that. I'll help you pack."

SignoraStronza · 16/07/2014 14:02

He sounds like a nasty, abusive bully. And yes,that opinion is formed just from the snapshot you've given. The next time he threatens to end the relationship say 'alright then, off you fuck'.

BIWI · 16/07/2014 14:02

I seem to remember, although it was a long time ago, that when I married DH I promised to 'love and cherish him' in both good and bad times.

How is your DH loving and cherishing you? It doesn't even sound like he likes you, to be honest. Sad

LoisPuddingLane · 16/07/2014 14:10

I warned my dh to be patient about what what I was about to tell him...

That. Right there. That is why you should leave or he should. Nobody should ever have to warn their dh to be patient, especially about something which is nothing to do with him. You put the wrong phone number on, so what? Happens all the time. All of us in the office have had the wrong mission-statement on our emails for the best part of a year. Nobody got angry, nobody got called a fucking idiot.

Do you see - it's not NORMAL.

Matildathecat · 16/07/2014 14:13

What he means is this:' I can say whatever I like, whenever I like. You must never refer back to this. If you do, you are raking things up and ruining our relationship'.

Nice.Hmm

I agree with the others. Next time say 'yes, as usual you are right, DH. You had, indeed better leave'. Then change the locks and get on with having some fun.

Also, you mention putting 'your' children to bed as though it is a given he would never ever help with them because they aren't 'his'. Again, not nice and certainly not a nice way for them to be raised.

beijaflor · 16/07/2014 14:19

It's not that he called you a fucking idiot over a mistake (that's awful, but it's one incident). It's the fact that you felt it necessary to apologise to him in advance. You warned him to be patient before you told him... why would you do that? If I told my DH I'd made a mistake on my CV, it wouldn't occur to me to expect a mean, angry response. But you have been trained by years of his bullshit to walk on eggshells. You knew what was coming because it happens all the time.

This is your life. You only get one, and so do your DC. Don't waste it on this man.

Phalenopsis · 16/07/2014 14:24

didn't see a future for our relationship/thought it was a mistake to marry. He then just carried on as normal.

Push-me, pull-you keeps you locked into the relationship and makes you confused about it. Also sounds like a form of gaslighting to me.

If I try and discuss what he has said he turns it around on me and says I am destroying our relationship by casting doubt on it

Ah yes, the old 'blaming' to make her feel guilty technique.

As a result I become more and more apprehensive about asking for help with our baby and end up not telling him stuff

Walking on egg shells.

he called me a "fucking idiot" more than once and seemed more concerned about how it reflected on him

Selfish and nasty.

I have to censor what I tell him or he'll lose patience with me

he still refuses to discuss the other stuff he has previously said
Disengagement. Complete refusal to discuss things with you. Renders you helpless - shadow boxing.

he'll not contact me today to give me a chance to think about how me bringing up stuff from the past is stupid and threatening to ruin our relationship Control by him.

I've picked just some of what you've written OP. This man is emotionally abusing you. I concur with the others - you need to get away from him.