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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how to deal with someone who threatens to end relationship but never does

132 replies

londongirl15 · 16/07/2014 12:51

My husband and I argue quite frequently and he is quite impatient and likes to get his own way. Our last big argument was over his refusal to put our baby to bed ( my 2 children from my previous marriage live with us and it would be nice if I only had to put them to bed now and again) the following day he said he was sick of the petty bickering and didn't see a future for our relationship/thought it was a mistake to marry. He then just carried on as normal. If I try and discuss what he has said he turns it around on me and says I am destroying our relationship by casting doubt on it. I just feel things are unresolved though as he will only say he gets frustrated with me and I need to forget the past. He never says that he didn't mean it. As a result I become more and more apprehensive about asking for help with our baby and end up not telling him stuff. Yesterday I found out my job is at risk (I will probably be made redundant before I return off maternity leave) I warned him I needed his support and patience and he asked if I was ok and got me the name of a colleagues dp to send my cv to. Unfortunately last night I was tired after a 5am start with the baby and trying to get them all down to sleep in the evening and although I updated the rest of my cv I forget about my mobile number changing. I apologized to the girl and sent a corrected version of my cv and she was fine. I warned my dh to be patient about what what I was about to tell him but when I told him he called me a "fucking idiot" more than once and seemed more concerned about how it reflected on him. I was very teary after that as am struggling with the thought of leaving the baby\finding childcare\probably going back to work sooner than my maternity leave would be over in order to ensure I have a job and I don't feel secure or supported in our relationship with his repeated threats to leave and the fact that I have to censor what I tell him or he'll lose patience with me. He has apologised for calling me a fucking idiot and I acknowledged that I had done something stupid but he still refuses to discuss the other stuff he has previously said about there being no future in the relationship. He is away to work now and says he'll not contact me today to give me a chance to think about how me bringing up stuff from the past is stupid and threatening to ruin our relationship. Should I just let go of what he previously said? It preys on my mind because I am financing my own maternity leave so if I am to leave I'd better do it before I've used all my savings.

OP posts:
beijaflor · 16/07/2014 14:40

Also when I look at threads that say ltb I agree but also know it's unlikely that someone worn down to point of not trusting their own judgement are v unlikely to split up family/move family\schools etc

Well, first you come around to an understanding of your relationship, and what this man is. You need to accept that he is an arse and you will be better off without him. Talk to your friends - they are unlikely to say anything different than we have if they read the same OP!

Then you should visit a solicitor, who could put you straight on finances and what leaving him will involve. Once it is all clear in your mind, you will see the way out, and you can act.

Start taking the first steps. Each subsequent step will seem easier, and more possible, and you will find a resolve to leave and take control of your life.

Joysmum · 16/07/2014 17:23

When you love someone, you get upset if they are and do all you can to try to make them feel better.

He doesn't do this for you, in fact he actively seeks to hurt you.

This isn't a snapshot, you've described a clear patter of behaviour over a period of time.

I'm really sorry, but he's campaigned to break you down and he's nearly succeeded. Please, get out of there before there's nothing left of yourself to save Sad

AnyFucker · 16/07/2014 17:27

The answer to this is to end it yourself

You are not listening though, are you ?

Original poster
londongirl15 · 16/07/2014 17:38

It is his child yes. He has previously said he shouldn't have to pay for someone else's children (about my 2 from previous relationship). He doesn't see why he should have to dip into his savings when I have (a smaller amount of) savings and I was meant to get a returners bonus once I was back a few months which would mostly replenish my savings (now with probable redundancy that looks unlikely)
He is in the police and has said I am trying to accuse him of DV (when I have challenged previous verbal abuse) and this is not dv,he knows what that is.
I have previously asked him to go for counselling but he point blank refuses. It just doesn't seem bad enough to leave as we do have happy family times and he is good with my kids.
Thanks for all the advice, I really appreciate it

OP posts:
HumblePieMonster · 16/07/2014 17:40

Sounds like a previous thread, where lawyers told a police-wife that her husband was pulling the wool over her eyes about dv.

Gird up your loins. You need to be ready for battle. Do you want to live like this forever?

Original poster
londongirl15 · 16/07/2014 17:42

I am listening I just question myself as I do have a tendency to be overdramatic and catastrophise. To me it's a last resort and would be tough for a long time. It seems to be a unanimous view that there is nothing else I can do in this situation.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/07/2014 17:43

He isn't "good with your kids" he deems them to be someone else's brat he doesn't have to support financially, although you are meant to be a "family"

cailindana · 16/07/2014 17:46

How on earth can you overreact to being called a "fucking idiot"? If anything you're underreacting.

settingsitting · 16/07/2014 17:46

He does not have your best interests at heart.

But actually he is not going to leave you. He doesnt actually want that to happen.

He is controlling you.

But I will repeat that he doesnt want to leave you. He would go to a lot of effort to stop you leaving.

Branleuse · 16/07/2014 17:48

Hes Gaslighting you.

settingsitting · 16/07/2014 17:48

I hope that you keep you and your children safe.

magoria · 16/07/2014 17:49

It will get worse.

If he is going to pay for his child but not yours they will become second class citizens in this family.

He should pay for them as they are a package with you and you are on maternity with his child.

He is an arrogant twat.

Get out while you have some savings before they are gone and it is too late.

Jux · 16/07/2014 17:51

You know the answer to all the points you've stated in your last post.

You and your first 2 came as a package. He knew what he was getting into.

If you're married then it's family money and not 'his' or 'mine'. He knows that.

He is guilty of dv. He knows that too.

He is a nasty bully who makes himself feel like a big strong man by manipulating you with threats to leave, refusing to take responsibility for all your joint dependents or for his own actions.

If he threatens to split again - he will, won't he - take him up on it. In fact, don't wait until he threatens it, tell him to leave now. Ask him to think about his own conduct.

He will grind you down. You know that. Take action now while you're still up to it.

AnyFucker · 16/07/2014 17:54

You are doing your other children no favours at all

SolidGoldBrass · 16/07/2014 18:20

Unfortunately this is not uncommon among policemen. Abusive men are often attracted to jobs that give them a degree of power over other people, and they take it as a given that they have the right to abuse their partners and get away with it.
GFet legal advice, get rid of him. He's a cock. When he's being nice to you, that's not who he is, it's a fake personality. THe real him is a woman-hater who likes seeing you hurt and scared.

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 16/07/2014 18:31

I don't understand how you can say he is good with your own DC if he doesn't treat them as his own. They come as a package with you. Why are you essentially being their single parent in a house with two adults? Either he parents them as his own or you leave, you can't do that to them. They'll grow up feeling second best people. It's terribly destructive. I suspect though from all you've said you'll be doing the same with your joint dc as he is setting you up nicely so he never has to lift a finger. This can't be what you want for the rest of your life? You'll be terribly alone.

Seriously. Leave him. Mine was the same. Best choice I ever made.

imsureineverdo · 16/07/2014 18:43

My ex used to threaten to leave me so in the end I left him. Never been happier!

Lweji · 16/07/2014 19:32

He is in the police and has said I am trying to accuse him of DV (when I have challenged previous verbal abuse) and this is not dv,he knows what that is.
Well, I bet he doesn't expect a criminal to admit to his crime.
Why should you?

LoisPuddingLane · 16/07/2014 20:08

It just doesn't seem bad enough to leave

You must have very low expectations if this doesn't seem bad enough. If a partner called me a "Fucking idiot" that would be the last time. I can't bear that sort of contempt.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/07/2014 20:17

On a different tack, what's this about feeling you should hurry back from maternity leave to reduce the chance of being made redundant? I should get some legal advice on that, the sooner the better. (Not ask the policeman in the house - I mean a proper employment lawyer. Approach your union if you're in one, otherwise try CAB if you can't afford to ask a solicitor.) My understanding (as a non lawyer, to be fair) is that it is quite hard to make someone redundant while they're on maternity leave, as the employer has to bend over backwards to prove they're not discriminating against you because of the maternity. You might even find you're safer not hurrying back... but do check these things out with an expert if at all possible. I think you may be being bullied at work as well as at home.

Original poster
londongirl15 · 16/07/2014 20:45

They are cutting over half the positions from my department and I have been there only a couple of years and don't have as much experience as most of the people there so I know it would be "fair" if I was made redundant so I don't think I am being bullied at work

OP posts:
Jux · 16/07/2014 21:17

Nevertheless, londongirl, check it out.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/07/2014 08:19

On the redundancy issue you'll find that the definition of 'fair' depends a lot on who is the most awkward to get rid of. If you roll over and say nothing, they'll dump you. If you look like a law suit in the making, they'll wonder if it might be easier to lose a different staff member.

Hope things are OK today, hope we've given you confidence, and that you now have a strategy for dealing with your bully of a husband.

gamerchick · 17/07/2014 09:30

Yanno when I had to adjust my cv I needed the husbands help because I can't seem to get it off disk without getting frustrated. He patiently adjusted it and printed it out when I remembered I hadn't changed the phone number. Not once did he get annoyed or call me names.

The next time he starts with his cap tell him the doors over there. It's time you started being assertive.

Zhx3 · 17/07/2014 09:49

Please speak to Women's Aid. He sounds utterly appalling. I am disgusted that you have to put up with such behaviour from a so-called partner. Your two older children will pick on his attitude towards them if they havent already done so.