how to deal with someone who threatens to end relationship but never does

[londongirl15]

My husband and I argue quite frequently and he is quite impatient and likes to get his own way. Our last big argument was over his refusal to put our baby to bed ( my 2 children from my previous marriage live with us and it would be nice if I only had to put them to bed now and again) the following day he said he was sick of the petty bickering and didn't see a future for our relationship/thought it was a mistake to marry. He then just carried on as normal. If I try and discuss what he has said he turns it around on me and says I am destroying our relationship by casting doubt on it. I just feel things are unresolved though as he will only say he gets frustrated with me and I need to forget the past. He never says that he didn't mean it. As a result I become more and more apprehensive about asking for help with our baby and end up not telling him stuff. Yesterday I found out my job is at risk (I will probably be made redundant before I return off maternity leave) I warned him I needed his support and patience and he asked if I was ok and got me the name of a colleagues dp to send my cv to. Unfortunately last night I was tired after a 5am start with the baby and trying to get them all down to sleep in the evening and although I updated the rest of my cv I forget about my mobile number changing. I apologized to the girl and sent a corrected version of my cv and she was fine. I warned my dh to be patient about what what I was about to tell him but when I told him he called me a "fucking idiot" more than once and seemed more concerned about how it reflected on him. I was very teary after that as am struggling with the thought of leaving the baby\finding childcare\probably going back to work sooner than my maternity leave would be over in order to ensure I have a job and I don't feel secure or supported in our relationship with his repeated threats to leave and the fact that I have to censor what I tell him or he'll lose patience with me. He has apologised for calling me a fucking idiot and I acknowledged that I had done something stupid but he still refuses to discuss the other stuff he has previously said about there being no future in the relationship. He is away to work now and says he'll not contact me today to give me a chance to think about how me bringing up stuff from the past is stupid and threatening to ruin our relationship. Should I just let go of what he previously said? It preys on my mind because I am financing my own maternity leave so if I am to leave I'd better do it before I've used all my savings.

0808 2000 247 www.womensaid.org.uk

Poor you. How old are your other children? Are they thriving in this type of home life?

He might not be actually beating you from morning until night BUT he is emotionally abusing you.

As the others have said please call womensaid to look after yourself and all of your childrens well being.

He is away to work now and says he'll not contact me today to give me a chance to think about how me bringing up stuff from the past is stupid and threatening to ruin our relationship. Should I just let go of what he previously said?

Whatever his job he ought not to treat you like an inferior. It just so happens you are dealing with an ego that struts with a warrant card. Your H may be a police officer, but he is still accountable for his actions OP. He is used to "being in control", that doesn't excuse him acting like a bully. If challenged he would no doubt blame his behaviour on you first then on the stress of his job. Which begs the question how come so many police officers are wonderful parents, loving and supportive spouses in spite of the responsibilities they carry?

I do have a tendency to be overdramatic and catastrophise. Did he tell you that? Along with being "silly, over-reacting" etc?

It just doesn't seem bad enough to leave because of some laughs and the occasional un-shouty day?

I have no axe to grind I am only going by what you have posted. Incidentally I hope you are careful with your Internet history.

He is shutting you up. Everything will be your fault. He's already telling you, your attitude is what causes problems. Therefore any arguments will be your fault. And furthermore anything he dishes out will be your fault because you don't follow his rules.

Easy. Call his bluff.

My son's are 7 and 8. They don't seem to be affected but I try and discuss stuff with him when they are with their dad so they don't hear anything. I told him the other day I had had enough and I'm not prepared to live like this any more. The boys shouldn't hear him swearing at me for something that was none of his business. He said he'd already apologised, he can't promise it won't happen again as dealing with me is so frustrating, he was already annoyed that I'd used polish to clean the sofa and a scourer on the metallic hob splashback it had just been a lot of ignorance on my part for not listening to him. He also wanted to know what I am going to do as if it is over he'll want to move on. Today I tried to talk to him about not feeling ready to go back to work /confident about interviews yet and I would like to wait until I know if I am being made redundant and that way I either get a redundancy settlement or if I get to keep a job then I'll get my returners bonus. He doesn't like this idea as it means I could potentiality be bringing in nothing for a couple of months. I go onto stat mat pay this month and he has confirmed that he expects me to make full contribution to the joint account by taking money from my savings. I said that puts me in a vulnerable position if he threatens to end relationship again but he said I have more to pay for and pointed towards my 2 kids from prev relationship. I asked if he'd even lend me money he said no. I asked what he'll do if I don't manage to get a job he said I'll get one even if it's stacking shelves in asda.

Oh tell him to fuck off. Use your savings to set yourself up somewhere new rather than see them drain away into this dead end relationship.

hes quite the charmer isnt he.

rather you than me

"he can't promise it won't happen again as dealing with me is so frustrating...."

Standard abuser's excuse. 'If you were a different/better person I wouldn't have to treat you so badly'. He is not even original.

Please call Women's Aid. He's trying to intimidate you into doing nothing and sticking around with threats of leaving and now threats of you being rendered penniless. There is help available for you and your DCs - financial and otherwise. Please ask for it.

Please, please, try to re-read your last post as if it was written by a stranger. Really take in what you're living with. Then come back and tell us if it sounds like something ANYONE should have to go through.

I'm horrified and upset for you (not to mention feeling murderous) and I've never met you, which makes me (and everyone else on this thread) more concerned for your welfare than the twat who promised to love you for life.

This is utterly horrific londongirl!

You know he wants you to drain your finances so that you're dependant on him? Having to beg for his help? You know the cost of his help too, don't you? Put up and shut up.

When I read your post at 19:48:56 I was freaked out, gasped aloud. And when you said:

He also wanted to know what I am going to do as if it is over he'll want to move on.

Well for starters isn't he the one threatening to leave? Secondly and forever, please please please move him on. This is going to get very very bad. My inner sirens are sounding full on. I think yours are starting to rev up.

I know. I've told my brother and his gf today and they were lovely and supportive. (Although husband was unhappy about me "sneaking off to see them" ) I just don't know how to go about this. I feel like I should have a place to go before I tell him but then he'll accuse me of not giving him a chance to sort out his behaviour. He has already said that it's not my decision to make. Thankfully the 2 older kids are with their dad from Monday.

Bloody well done. Whose house is it?

And as for whose decision it is: I suspect that's the first of quite a lot of things he's going to find he's wrong about.

The 'Dear STBXH' thread might be a good one to check out. The OP is inspiring.

Both of our names on mortgage but he has money in the house and pre nip so I'm not expecting much.

Nup not nip

Any friends or family you could stay with temporarily?

Don't think pre-nups have any force in England and Wales (I'm assuming your location from your username).

You need a Shit Hot Lawyer (MN trademark).

I'm in Scotland.

Seriously, please call Womens Aid and ask them about refuge. If you've really got nowhere to go and you're experiencing a crisis, that's what it's for.

Calling you a fucking idiot because of a very simple mistake - the worst kind of people.

He sounds like a dick. Next time he threatens to end things, tell him to piss off. It's a control tactic used to get you to back down and let him win. Next time he does it, call his bluff and see how pathetic he is.

hes got absolutely no kindness or goodwill towards you has he?

tell him to move on

He has already said that it's not my decision to make

Did you LOL at that?

I go onto stat mat pay this month and he has confirmed that he expects me to make full contribution to the joint account by taking money from my savings. I said that puts me in a vulnerable position if he threatens to end relationship again but he said I have more to pay for and pointed towards my 2 kids from prev relationship. I asked if he'd even lend me money he said no.
WTAF?
He's your husband. He doesn't lend you money. It's family money.
Do show it to him with a decent divorce settlement for you.

Get some kick ass divorce lawyer, preferably recommended by WA.

London, get copies of payslips, p60, pensions, savings, shares, mortgage statement, bank statement especially evidence you put half into joint account and see a solicitor.

Him saying he will leave is his way of saying shut the fuck up, do what I say.

This man is hideous. His contempt for your other children is disgusting. They are his child's siblings. Please please please speak to your health visitor you need the abuse on record to help you get legal aid if needed. He wants you to have no savings and a crap job so he is more in control.

Pre nup - see a good solicitor.

You are going to have a fight on your hands with this man. His threat to leave will be retracted when you say okay then. He will say 'it's my house you leave'. He will rant, rage, threaten, belittle. Blame you for splitting up the family. Read 'why does he do that'. Keep posting here, the lovely mners will help you see the wood for the trees!

Please get real life support and get out.

You pay 50% on maternity leave using your savings. Your post at 7:48 is just awful. Very upsetting.

You deserve so much better. Please look into the freedom programme and counselling. Women's aid will help you xxx