how to deal with someone who threatens to end relationship but never does

[londongirl15]

My husband and I argue quite frequently and he is quite impatient and likes to get his own way. Our last big argument was over his refusal to put our baby to bed ( my 2 children from my previous marriage live with us and it would be nice if I only had to put them to bed now and again) the following day he said he was sick of the petty bickering and didn't see a future for our relationship/thought it was a mistake to marry. He then just carried on as normal. If I try and discuss what he has said he turns it around on me and says I am destroying our relationship by casting doubt on it. I just feel things are unresolved though as he will only say he gets frustrated with me and I need to forget the past. He never says that he didn't mean it. As a result I become more and more apprehensive about asking for help with our baby and end up not telling him stuff. Yesterday I found out my job is at risk (I will probably be made redundant before I return off maternity leave) I warned him I needed his support and patience and he asked if I was ok and got me the name of a colleagues dp to send my cv to. Unfortunately last night I was tired after a 5am start with the baby and trying to get them all down to sleep in the evening and although I updated the rest of my cv I forget about my mobile number changing. I apologized to the girl and sent a corrected version of my cv and she was fine. I warned my dh to be patient about what what I was about to tell him but when I told him he called me a "fucking idiot" more than once and seemed more concerned about how it reflected on him. I was very teary after that as am struggling with the thought of leaving the baby\finding childcare\probably going back to work sooner than my maternity leave would be over in order to ensure I have a job and I don't feel secure or supported in our relationship with his repeated threats to leave and the fact that I have to censor what I tell him or he'll lose patience with me. He has apologised for calling me a fucking idiot and I acknowledged that I had done something stupid but he still refuses to discuss the other stuff he has previously said about there being no future in the relationship. He is away to work now and says he'll not contact me today to give me a chance to think about how me bringing up stuff from the past is stupid and threatening to ruin our relationship. Should I just let go of what he previously said? It preys on my mind because I am financing my own maternity leave so if I am to leave I'd better do it before I've used all my savings.

Hope it goes well today, lovely xx

After reading all the thread and seeing the point at which you are now, I also would like to offer my best wishes to you. As a reader, someone not involved in the situation, I am slightly on the verge of panic because I cannot yank you and your kids out through the door to safety and then stick my fingers in your husband's ears and channel everything you've been feeling recently. I read threads like this often and I'm sure I'm not the only one who looks about herself and suddenly becomes thankful for all she's got, followed by feeling frustrated and powerless because I want to get these posters out of there and into something better.

I hope you find the strength to ignore his recent lenience. If you told him that didn't matter any more, that you were still going to leave, I bet he'll very quickly resort to the name calling and threats - which should make things easier.

He can sense that something has clicked in your brain so has made this offer. Whether or not you leave today is up to you, but you know in your heart of hearts he's always going to be a mealy mouthed fucker treating you like you're last in the food chain.

Good luck

I was in a similar position with my ex. The usual routine was;

• disagreement about something

• ex. says we should split up as we are incompatible
• ex. gets her own way as I back down

One day we were following the script and as I was at the end of my tether I just said I agree that we should break up and went through the practicalities with her. She was absolutely bewildered and started back tracking and suddenly became very reasonable (which for her is unusual). But unfortunately for me the spell was broken and I could not forgive the deceit involved in this sort of manipulative behavour (bear in mind that this sort of thing had gone on for years). This sort of deceit colours every interaction that you have with the other person and in all honesty I could never take anything that was said between us at face value again. So despite various attempts to patch things up, counselling and a lot of anger from the ex. we are now separated. A few years on, I now feel completely liberated and much much happier. My kids are coping with the change in circumstances and I am very much more relaxed.
The moral of the story - call his bluff and see what he does - I waited for years putting up with this sort of thing becoming more and more miserable in the process. All along I was telling myself that I was doing the right thing for my family. But put simply, this sort of manipulative bullying isn't how adults should behave in a relationship - but don't expect your partner to comprehend that. It is up to you OP to put a stop to it.

Interesting thread as this is what h does time and time again , threatens to leave to put me back in my box, not challenge previous behaviour etc. last time I did tell him to leave, but crumpled after only an hour so once again he won. There is EA in the relationship and I am so determined that next time it happens I will tell him to go for good. Tbh he has done this so many times that I don't feel the same about him anymore and he has def killed a part of our mariage which I am not sure will ever come back. I don't trust him with playing with my emotions and am almost hardened to him now. Next time I will come on here for support and I won't be begging him to come back. Yes, it will be tough but I am not willing to be held to ransom and I am sure, just like elburro, that everyone has their limits and I am close to mine.cant believe how common this situation is, and to think before mumsnet I thought it was all my fault for daring to have a different opinion

lupo, why don't you end it yourself instead of waitimg for him to do it (again)

that way, you get to pick the moment and your self esteem will thank you for it

Hi not read all replies, but if this was happening all the time Id turn round and say fine theres the door... I know it might sound petty to some.

Or is there a possibility that thats what he wants you to do?