how to deal with someone who threatens to end relationship but never does

[londongirl15]

My husband and I argue quite frequently and he is quite impatient and likes to get his own way. Our last big argument was over his refusal to put our baby to bed ( my 2 children from my previous marriage live with us and it would be nice if I only had to put them to bed now and again) the following day he said he was sick of the petty bickering and didn't see a future for our relationship/thought it was a mistake to marry. He then just carried on as normal. If I try and discuss what he has said he turns it around on me and says I am destroying our relationship by casting doubt on it. I just feel things are unresolved though as he will only say he gets frustrated with me and I need to forget the past. He never says that he didn't mean it. As a result I become more and more apprehensive about asking for help with our baby and end up not telling him stuff. Yesterday I found out my job is at risk (I will probably be made redundant before I return off maternity leave) I warned him I needed his support and patience and he asked if I was ok and got me the name of a colleagues dp to send my cv to. Unfortunately last night I was tired after a 5am start with the baby and trying to get them all down to sleep in the evening and although I updated the rest of my cv I forget about my mobile number changing. I apologized to the girl and sent a corrected version of my cv and she was fine. I warned my dh to be patient about what what I was about to tell him but when I told him he called me a "fucking idiot" more than once and seemed more concerned about how it reflected on him. I was very teary after that as am struggling with the thought of leaving the baby\finding childcare\probably going back to work sooner than my maternity leave would be over in order to ensure I have a job and I don't feel secure or supported in our relationship with his repeated threats to leave and the fact that I have to censor what I tell him or he'll lose patience with me. He has apologised for calling me a fucking idiot and I acknowledged that I had done something stupid but he still refuses to discuss the other stuff he has previously said about there being no future in the relationship. He is away to work now and says he'll not contact me today to give me a chance to think about how me bringing up stuff from the past is stupid and threatening to ruin our relationship. Should I just let go of what he previously said? It preys on my mind because I am financing my own maternity leave so if I am to leave I'd better do it before I've used all my savings.

Thanks. Not sure what you mean about 50%? I said I'd feel less anxious about not earning\trying to get a job if I was on my own as at least then I can claim benefits if need be. He said I obviously don't understand the system.

Please ignore anything this man tells you.
You are right that it is better to be on benefits that with this man who expects you to dip into your savings to take care of your joint child. FGS.
Why doesn't he contribute towards child care then and you go back to work?

I wanted 9 months with my baby then to find outcome of redundancy and once I'm back at work he will contribute half of childcare and look after him one day a week. He wants me to be looking for jobs now thus will probably end up quitting my job before redundancy situation is known and going back to work when son is 6-7 months old. He doesn't want to support me and other sons even for a couple of months which I think is mean and unsupportive as he has a good wage and a lot of savings

You should be charging him from child care then.

But it's all details. You should be looking into how to get rid of him. The more you stay, the more you'll lose your savings and the more you'll find it difficult to leave.

Apologies upfront if im repeating advice. Read post but haven't got time to read whole thread. I just wanted to flag possible usefulness of getting union or legal support /advice re your job. You say you might be made redundant before you return from maternity leave. Not sure if I'm right but I think it's illegal for employer to do this and might be worth checking out. Of course I know also that lots of things are illegal and still happen but wort checking?
And re your question/ header for the thread. I think the way you deal with it is ending it yourself. Or making it clear that you will if they continue to use that "threat"- but if you say this you need to mean it and be as to follow they or else u do yourself and relationship more harm. Will read thread more tomo when have time but didn't want to read an run.

OP you've had excellent advice from other posters. Please please stop listening to any 'facts' your vile husband spews - they are not true and are designed purely to make you think you need him. The 'fact' is you'd be far better off in Every Single Way without him.
I don't think I can describe how upsetting it is to read your posts - you sound absolutely lovely, but quite frankly even if you didn't you wouldn't deserve this shit excuse for a human being.

Londongirl, your H will threaten to try to get full custody of your son if you leave. Please know this for the bollocks it is. He does NOT want to give up his job and do the very hard work of looking after a baby on his own. But if you leave he WILL threaten this (it is part of the script).

I just wanted to warn you so you are not thrown by this - forewarned is forearmed hopefully and you will not be worried by it.

Oh, and I'm afraid he'll only get worse, particularly about your older DC as they get older. Start planning your exit strategy asap or at least as soon as you know about your job.

Oh god tell this sad excuse for a father and a husband to fuck off from us all please.

He likes to tell you how it is doesn't he. Find yourself someone far cleverer than this jumped up little man that will fill you in on actual facts and the law.

If you get a chance at all there's a thread in Relationships called "Dear STBXH" The soon to be ex likes to try and dictate the "facts" too, have a read and you'll be greatly inspired as to how to treat your husband!

Dear STBXH

Not your decision to make! my dh said that too. It strengthened my resolve when he said it.

How bad does it have to get? Its pretty shit now. You've told people in rl which is a good start.

Personally, I think it would be better to leave whilst you are on maternity, for the practical reasons of childcare and supporting your children. And settling into a new place.

He doesn't sound the type to have an equal chat though. Don't tell him your plans, because I doubt he will morph into the lovely bloke you want him to be.

Of course it's your decision to make! What utter tosh this pathetic excuse for a man comes out with! Who better to make a decision about whether a relationship is good for you than, um, YOU?

You have the right to end your relationship when you want for any reason or no reason at all.

Please call Women's Aid.
Please find a shit hot family lawyer.

Pre-nups have no validity, I believe.

Get out, get out, get out.

You'll be amazed at how quickly you and the children begin to thrive and have fun. How much easier life is. How quickly the weight falls off your shoulders.

Able/willing to follow through not as to follow they!
And I mean that i think it's illegal to make someone redundant while they are on maternity leave .... So def worth checking your situation as an employee with cab/independent solicitor(free 30minute session)/union rep etc.

It's not illegal to make maternity leavers redundant.

OP, on that point get some professional advice. And get some advice on starting divorce proceedings too, because the sooner you kick this abusive, controlling, woman-hating arsehole to the kerb, the better you'll feel. And that IS a "fact" you can believe.

Stay strong, good luck.

Here's some info from the ACAS website on redundancy and maternity leave: m.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=3832

Sending you strength, Londongirl. You know his behaviour isn't right or you wouldn't have posted here. It's going to be difficult to walk away, we know that, but it's the right thing to do for you and for your children.

He has already said that it's not my decision to make.

Arggghhhh! Is screaming on dear OP's thread allowed?

This is so very wrong and frighteningly so. Do what Cogito suggests. Please. I'm actually thinking you should be revving up to full flight mode as of now. Truly, I'm not over-dramatising. Neither are you.

your kids go to their dads tomorrow. It's time to pop out of this sedated state you're in while you have the chance. Ring up WA and find out what your options are will be a good starting point.

Is this his first child? If so he needs an education in what his responsibilities are when he decides to bring another life into the world. Do not let him bully you into thinking you have to provide the same financial contribution you did pre pregnancy. Do you receive maintenance for your other two sons? If so then he isn't supporting them you and their father are. He knew the commitments before he married you don't let him put all the responsibility on you hes making out you are lucky to have him and therefore you have to do what he says - not true, push back and let him learn about getting married and having kids.

He has a daughter from his previous relationship but he always claims it wasn't a real relationship as they just didn't get on so he slept on the couch but he provided for both of them while they lived in his house. When she moved out he paid well over the minimum to her but she moved to a different country and he now pays the required percentage of his salary

So he has form for this. Your relationship soon will be told to anyone that will listen that it wasn't real either.

Please call womensaid.

So, you are also supporting his child, then.

No he pays for her out of his own money. I pay a larger contribution to the joint account and also have the child benefit going in there. Under normal circumstances we both earn the same but I have been on half pay and am now on statutory maternity pay

But that is the fallacy.
There is family money, not his or yours. You can keep accounts separate, but finances are effectively joint. As it will become apparent if you divorce.

Whatever "he" pays to his child, or you pay to your children, both of you pay.

Not your decision to make? The one thing that enraged my xH the most was that I left him without his permission.

You have to laugh, it's that pathetic. He is training you to obey, like his horse or his dog (does he work with horses and dogs?). You will jolly well shut up and obey: he is the master and you have to thoroughly learn that. He probably think he's being relatively patient, given how 'frustrating' you are. What a turd.

Get in touch with women's aid to work out an exit strategy. Don't share anything personal with him: he is not your friend, he is your master. Or thinks he is.

I am leaving tomorrow while he is at work. My sister has very kindly said I can stay at hers. I haven't told him my plans as I believe he'll either charm or belittle me out of it. Can't stop crying. He has just caught me crying and told me to "snap out of it ,thing's can't go on like this" and gone off to bed.

So good to hear you're taking control.

londongirl please do the leaving tomorrow .. there will be time after for crying ... you can cry now if you can maintain your resolve at the same time. Bizarrely, he's just said it hasn't he? Things must change but at your bidding and doing, not his.

I will be holding my breath til I hear you're out of this dreadful situation.