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Original poster

Should I lose weight for my husband?

67 replies

Brockbaby · 15/07/2014 23:48

I am overweight. I am a size 18. I have been married for 6 years and it has been over a year (possibly two years I can't quite remember) since my husband and I were intimate. My husband has told me that it would help if I would lose weight. I feel very hurt and resent this. The main reason that I resent this is that when we met and married I was only one dress size smaller (I was a size 16) than I am now. One of the main reasons that I married him is that I believed that he loved and accepted me for who I am. My parents are very happily married. My mum has told me that it never made any difference to my dad what size she was - he loved and desired her the same. My friend's mum says the same. My husband is slim (and always has been no matter what he eats). He asked me if I would want to be intimate with him if he put on weight and I, honestly, would still want to be intimate with him if he put on weight - unless he became morbidly obese. Perhaps I am not being realistic. Should I lose weight for my husband?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 16/07/2014 00:21

Hmm. Could he have a Madonna/whore thing? Like, now you are the frumpy, mummy and you were the voluptuous sex kitten before? Some men have a very hard time with the mother of their child and sex. The weight could be a red herring.

Darkesteyes · 16/07/2014 00:22

It could be that he sees you as a mother rather than a partner. A bit Madonna/whore complex There are varying degrees of it. I can only guess though.

Did he try to blame this on your weight when you tried to discuss the problem with him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/07/2014 00:27

Great minds Darkest. Smile

BeforeAndAfter · 16/07/2014 00:27

I've never been fat but I did go from 10 to a 14 at once stage during my marriage. My XH and I were living the good life and he gained a lot of weight too. I lost the weight because I felt unhealthy and then my XH had an affair. At one point during the many post-mortems we had when we were 'trying to save our marriage' I asked him if the rot had set him when I put on weight. He said the weight was totally irrelevant. He came up with a lot of crass and stupid reasons for the breakdown in our relationship but I totally believed him when he said the weight was irrelevant.

I think your H is looking for an excuse and he's figured you'll buy that one. I also think you can only successfully lose weight if you want to do it for your own reasons. The last thing you want to do is lose weight for someone else because then their moods, their reactions, their responses become intrinsically linked to your eating habits and that doesn't sound remotely healthy to me.

Darkesteyes · 16/07/2014 00:32

YY Terry.Smile

BeforeandAfter. The kind of men who complain about weight gain (especially a paltry miniscule weight gain like the OPs) will be the same type who find fault with something else after you've lost the weight (loose skin /boob tissue etc.

Original poster
Brockbaby · 16/07/2014 00:35

The trouble is that I can't help comparing this relationship to a previous long-term relationship of seven years during which time my weight fluctuated between a size 14 to size 18 but it never affected our intimacy and this particular ex always made me feel desirable and attractive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brockbaby · 16/07/2014 00:39

Could be Madonna/whore thing. Not sure what I do about that.

OP posts:
Happy36 · 16/07/2014 00:42

Lose weight for health reasons and for yourself. Size 16 sounds healthier than 18. If this has a positive effect on your marriage that's a bonus. Yout husband should join you at least to some extent in eating healthily and exercising (which may well increase his libido too).

Original poster
Brockbaby · 16/07/2014 00:44

My instinct tells me that he would like me to be slimmer but I do believe he has a particularly low sex drive. When I first approached the problem of us not being intimate he claimed that his long commute made him too tired - so we moved and now he has a short commute but now it is my weight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brockbaby · 16/07/2014 00:46

"Happy36" my husband is very slim, fit and healthy. He cycles for about 10 miles a day. His libido on the other hand - whether I am a size 16 or size 18 has always been low.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brockbaby · 16/07/2014 00:51

I really don't think he is having an affair. I really don't think he is gay. I think it might help a little bit if I lose weight BUT is there some sort of counselling I could have to help me come to terms with a sex-less marriage?

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 16/07/2014 00:52

Your body belongs to you, not your husband. Is he a good husband in ways other than his opinions about your weight? Is he generally kind, good company, good with your children, fair about the household income and his share of domestic work? If he's not, then you'd be better off losing him rather than worrying about losing wieght.

RonaldMcDonald · 16/07/2014 00:55

There is a difference between low and zero
I think you need to talk to him. If it really is the weight gain and you love him and want to have sex with him you'll have to lose the weight
I'd guess it isn't though...

Darkesteyes · 16/07/2014 01:51

First he blamed the long commute and then your weight.

IT AINT YOUR WEIGHT. The weight is a red herring. I said he would find fault with something else but he already has....your weight.

Because the first excuse was the commute. IT AINT THE WEIGHT.

Darkesteyes · 16/07/2014 01:54

Now ive lost weight my confidence and my libido has shot up. Could your h deal with that OP Because it doesn't sound like it. And it certainly is NOT on to play "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you" Or would he be ok with an open marriage if you and he decided you didn't want to split.

sykadelic · 16/07/2014 03:36

I suggest he goes to the doc and gets his testosterone levels checked. Low T is a cause for low libido.

And no. You should lose weight for yourself, if that's what you want to do. I would feel unbelievably betrayed if my husband said that to me. I'm not sure I could be intimate with him again, even if I was stick thin.

Simplesusan · 16/07/2014 05:55

I too think the weight is a red herring.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/07/2014 06:18

I also think your body-shape is being put up as an excuse. I think you need to have an honest discussion with him about the real reason why there is no intimacy or affection in your marriage since the birth of your DS.

whatdoesittake48 · 16/07/2014 07:01

I lost 20 pounds recently but my husband didn't notice. The I put on about 4 pounds after a couple of celebration weekends and he said he could tell. Be careful because it sounds like your husband is u using your weight as a weapon as it is something he thinks you are sensitive about. Only lose weight of it bothers you. He will simply find something else to beat you with.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 16/07/2014 07:03

It has nothing to do with your weight. He's flailing around for excuses because he doesn't want to have sex with you. Why is anyone's guess but it's not your fault. You could lose weight til you're a size 8 and he'd find something else to excuse himself.

HazelBite · 16/07/2014 08:05

Tell him that you will lose weight if he goes to the Dr to have his testosterone levels checked out!

Seriously OP lose weight for yourself, you will feel better and your clothes will fit you better and you will feel more confident.

Then see what is the next excuse he comes up with is!

Mr exh did not "desire" me sexually and it was so demeaning, crushed my self confidence and made me feel like the most unattractive woman on the planet. Whatever I did he still didn't fancy me.

Op the problem is your H's if he loves you he will try and sort it out.

Spottybra · 16/07/2014 08:13

The only way you're going to loose weight and keep it off is if you do it for yourself.

I'm a stone heavier than when I met my husband. I have a wobbly tummy where I once had abs. You know what, it's his favourite part. He admires what I went through in two pregnancies and loves my tummy more than my sexy bits (he's a bum man) because I grew our children in there.

Even when I went up to almost two stone overweight he never stopped fancying me or making me laugh and being romantic. That's what a husband is about. He's not helping you're self confidence.

My dsis is a size 22. 16-18 is her goal and she works for a slimming product company. Her boyfriend still adores her the way she is.

Whocansay · 16/07/2014 08:22

I seem to remember this happened to Vanessa Feltz. Her husband said if she didn't lose a huge amount of weight he would leave her. She lost the weight. He left her anyway as he had an OW in the wings. He was clearly using the weight as an excuse so he could blame her for leaving. What a Prince among men. Hmm

Not saying that an OW is involved here, but it's not a good sign. I don't think he'd ask if he loved you.

TweedleDi · 16/07/2014 08:35

He needs to go to the doctor. He is making excuses. If you lost weight, it would be something else that was 'causing' the issue.

AuntieStella · 16/07/2014 08:53

OP: you have posted that you think your DH is generally kind, considerate and you believe he loves you.

So it has to be a possibility that he is concerned about your weight because he is concerned about you. You do not say your height or weight, and dress size is no indicator in these days of vanity sizing. You were (I think) edging towards saying that you agree your weight is unhealthy and you also want to reduce it. If you want practical healthy eating advice, then I suggest you post a new enquiry in the Diet section of MN. This is something that you can do, irrespective of what else is going on.

Because I do think you need to look at your marriage. Living in a low sex or sexless marriage when you do not want to is horrible and usually very hostile to normal feelings of self-worth. The first step is to establish if this is a relationship you want to be in albeit with a specific sexual problem, or if the lack of sex is a symptom of a bigger incompatibility