Should I lose weight for my husband?

[Brockbaby]

I am overweight. I am a size 18. I have been married for 6 years and it has been over a year (possibly two years I can't quite remember) since my husband and I were intimate. My husband has told me that it would help if I would lose weight. I feel very hurt and resent this. The main reason that I resent this is that when we met and married I was only one dress size smaller (I was a size 16) than I am now. One of the main reasons that I married him is that I believed that he loved and accepted me for who I am. My parents are very happily married. My mum has told me that it never made any difference to my dad what size she was - he loved and desired her the same. My friend's mum says the same. My husband is slim (and always has been no matter what he eats). He asked me if I would want to be intimate with him if he put on weight and I, honestly, would still want to be intimate with him if he put on weight - unless he became morbidly obese. Perhaps I am not being realistic. Should I lose weight for my husband?

You should only lose weight for yourself. Honestly, no point doing it for any other reason as other motivations can disappear but you remain a constant! I've been over 22st and dieted down to under 11st. DH loves me either way (I was very heavy when we got together although we were friends for years first so he's seen me at many different weights). I'm currently back to somewhere in between after two kids, but it's coming off slowly with SW - used to prefer to use exercise (mainly weights or running) to regulate my weight but don't have as much time these days

However, if you do want to lose a bit of weight, why not challenge him to put on the same amount of muscle as you lose in fat? Tell him it would help your sex life if he was a bit more 'sculpted' with a six pack and some good definition. See how enthused he is....

I know it is difficult for some slim people to believe but I have been - what I see as "voluptuous" - all my adult life - fluctuating between a 14-18 dress size. I, myself, have never felt unattractive. I am currently a size 18 but I believe I wear it well and wear clothes to flatter my figure. I have always been a confident woman. I have always been able to see beauty in many different shapes and sizes of people. It really is my DH's evident lack of attraction towards to me that is making me question my own attractiveness and I resent that. My DH, in every other way, is a good husband but I can't help but think - you know what there may just be someone else out there who loves and desires me just the way I am!

I want to thank everyone for all your advice. I am going to try and lose a bit of weight through exercise for my own sake. I am also going to try and get DH to go to the doctors to get his testosterone levels checked.

"dress size is no indicator in these days of vanity sizing"

Im sure those of us on this thread who have lost loads of weight fucking love hearing comments like this. I can get into a 14 even though im down to 14 stone 3 from 16 stone 10. I have a small waist and have big boobs and bum" A 14 is snug on me so im really a 16. No vanity here!

Hot news flash for you people are individual not one big homogenous We are all different body shapes and you cannot see someone through a computer screen.

In my after photo which was taken in 2004 I was 11 stone 4 when it was taken. People who I showed it to thought I was just under 10 stone in that photo

Whatdoesittake So he doesn't notice a 20 pound loss but he does notice and make shitty comments about a 4 pound gain! What a prince. Another prick with ishoos.

Im getting really sick of attitudes like this. And then when women start feeling insecure these "men" blame it all on the magazines we read.

Brockbaby, Could your dh be using steroids?

To me, it depends partly on how he said it. If he was incredibly apologetic and said 'Look, this is really difficult for me to say and I really don't want to hurt your feelings but I must admit this is bothering me' then that would be completely different to if he just came out with it, with no attempt to be sensitive.

tumble its the SECOND excuse he has used. First he said it was down to his commute.

From the OP
"He asked me if I would want to be intimate with him if he put on weight"

So he kept on at this even though this was the SECOND excuse he used AFTER first blaming it on the commute.

My fuckwit radar just went off.

I didn't realise a reference to vanity sizing would cause so much fuss, and I am sorry that it did.

And am now wondering if this is to do with age. I can remember the days when dress size was regulated and standardised, and so "see" sizes as those standard sizes.

But that changed in the 1980s. Up until then, a US size 10 (UK 14) was 34.5 inch bust, a 24.5 inch waist and a 34.5 inch hips. Today, there is no standard size 10, and the smallest size 10 (as quoted in NY Times) was 35.5 inch bust, a 26 inch waist and a 37 inch hips. "And in many cases, it's almost an inch larger than that". The British sizing followed the US with deregulation, and this is when 'vanity' sizing emerged here too (for nabbing market share of course).

Though if there is no standard, then dress size is even less of an indicator of size/shape/likely weight, let alone health.

OP: if you are beginning the think you need to lose some weight for the sake of your health, there are loads of resources that can help you.

But it won't fix your marriage. Mismatch of libido can be a huge problem. It can ebb and flow in any marriage. In good relationships, once one partner recognises that things are badly out of kilter, then both work together to build things back to a situation both are happy with. And that takes good communication, willingness to grow, and real commitment to making things work for both without excessive demands on either.

You say he is a good husband in all other ways. But what is communication like between you overall?

No!

If YOU want to lose weight for YOU, then go ahead and I wish you the best of luck.
As for your husband, I suggest you tell him how much he has hurt you and have a good long talk with him.

Let me put it this way, I've been anywhere between a size 8 and a 22. I've been at my highest and lowest weight 3 times.

My DH's appetite for me has NEVER changed, although my perception of myself and my self confidence has fluctuated.

He loves me and wants me. He's making love to me, not my body. Incidentally he's a big bloke and despite getting other offers, I've never wanted anyone else. His size isn't important to me either.

Both if us would love for the other to be healthy though, that's nothing to do with looks.

I want want my gf to find me attractive so I try to keep looking good for her. This includes losing weight (in the past) and now keeping it off.

I also like the idea of my children having a good example of how to eat and exercise to maintain a healthy balance.

I think for me it works out to about 50% for me and 25% for each of the other two reasons.

So yes, maybe part of the reason for losing some weight should be for him (though he sounds like he has other issues anyway, but can't hurt to try - exercise related injuries aside!).

Maybe you could lose 3 or 4 stone. You will feel much better and great for when your son becomes more active

King1982 Mon 26-May-14 15:29:45

If people don't want to apply the statistics to their own partners/husbands/family. Then the most rational fear of men would be close female friend's male partners, daughter's male partners, etc.

LRD, I am male but you and your husband are statistically more likely to commit DV than myself.
I do live alone and I am single

King1982 Thu 03-Jul-14 08:02:16

Hi,
I have been with my partner for 4 years, lived together for one year. We decided she would move in to my house at the time.
Things haven't been great in the last six months. This is mainly due to the fact that she doesn't contribute to the house hold. I'm obviously happy paying my mortgage, but she doesn't contribute to bills, council tax, insurance, food, etc. I must admit she pays her share for holidays and occasionally on meals out.
I have talked to her about changing the way we work things but she never follows through.
I'm basically, fed up of having a 'vaginalodger' and have told her that I want to split up.

How long is acceptable notice for her to leave?

Ps no children and we both work full time.

Perhaps do it for both of you?

See I was going to ask King how the fuck do you need to know what weight she needs to lose when you don't know how tall she is. THEN I thought to do a search on the username and found that on the 26 May he said he lives alone and is/ was single and on the 3rd July said he had lived with his girlfriend for a year.

So I wouldn't take his post personally OP.

King................BUSTED!!!

First it was the commute. Now it's the weight.

Clue: it's not the weight. It's him.