Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

persistent groping by BF's husband

115 replies

allyanna · 14/07/2014 01:25

Not sure how to deal with this. It's been going on for a very long time. I love my friend. He is a very prominent member of the community. I have tried to dismiss it but he has no right to do this. Would welcome comments.

OP posts:
impatienceisavirtue · 14/07/2014 09:16

You say you don't want to hurt your friend, but by not informing her of what a cretin she is married to you are hurting her more. You can bet somewhere down the line he will do it to someone else who WILL tell her or the police, and that will hurt a lot more. She deserves to know. What happens when someone does tell her and she talks to you about it? You can either lie and not let on that he did it to you or you can face having to tell her the truth and explain why you never said anything before.

JustDontWantToSay · 14/07/2014 09:19

This is what happened to me two weeks ago after 9 years of unwanted touching. She was my BF so I just brushed it off and tried to ignore it. I bitterly, bitterly regret that. Do read if you get a chance - it may help you make a decision. DO NOT feel that you have to protect him because of his position/your friend. He has caused this by his actions.

slug · 14/07/2014 11:58

Jimmy Saville was a prominent member of the community
Rolf Harris was a prominent member of the community

If we have learned anything from the last few years it should be that staying silent protects these men at the expense of many, many women. Nobody, however prominent is above the law.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/07/2014 12:15

You beat me to it, slug - I was just going to point out that reluctance to speak out is how other "prominent" people got away with things for so long

Obviously I can't know, but I'd be extremely surprised if this animal's wife has no idea at all of what's happening; far more likely that she's made herself complicit in the cover-up to avoid rocking the boat

Just what does it take for people like this to be exposed????!!!!!

JustDontWantToSay · 14/07/2014 13:02

Exactly Puzzled, they rely on others unwillingness to come forward. And believe me I understand that unwillingness! There was no way I was going to go to the police initially - it was mostly the support and encouragement on here that made me change my mind. For the sake of women like the OP I'm glad I did. He's denied it all of course - I just hope that there's enough evidence to charge and prosecute.

Mamamarie4591 · 14/07/2014 13:10

Who was it that said something along the lines of;

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."

you cannot ignore such things, however hard it is to bring it out into the open, how many other women are being abused in the same way?

The recent Saville / Harris / Hall etc. cases have shown how true this quote is......

The fact of bringing it out into the open may well be enough, the police and DPP do not seem keen to follow such things through but if the police are involved then that information will spread......

tipsytrifle · 14/07/2014 14:08

Surely to goddess your friend would want to know what a sleazy perv her husband is? In the name of friendship alone you should tell her. Everything. Though of course it's possible she knows, in which case I'd reconsider the friendship. But you won't be able to suss what she knows or doesn't know unless you have a conversation.

In the interest of removing pervs from the lives of everyday women i think you might consider further action against this sleazebag.

Vivacia · 14/07/2014 14:15

How would you feel if you discovered he assaults other women who for some reason are more vulnerable than you.

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing

If we have learned anything from the last few years it should be that staying silent protects these men at the expense of many, many women.

IMO the OP should not be made to carry this shame. She does not need to be guilted in to actions some strangers would like her to take. And she certainly doesn't need the implication that she is somehow responsible for his behaviour.

Wooodpecker · 14/07/2014 14:34

Just say in a loud firm voice "stop touching me". He is taking advantage of you as he thinks you won't speak out. What a weirdo.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/07/2014 14:42

I think Cognito's advice is spot on

  1. talk to him about it. Read him a "statement" out f you prefer "Sleazeball, you have touched me inappropriately for the last time. It must and will stop. The next time you touch me like that I will tell your wife".
  1. If he doesn' stop, tell your BF. My guess is that it will not be surprise to her
  1. If they refuse to address is, tell the police

I feel so sorry for you - what a horrible horrible situation on every damn level Thanks

Miggsie · 14/07/2014 14:49

If he does this and won't stop, you simply knee him in the balls and then stamp very very hard on the bridge of his foot.

This may get the message across.
It has worked for me in the past.

Of course, it doesn't stop him doing it to other women who are too polite to knee him in the balls.

AMumInScotland · 14/07/2014 15:00

Don't suffer in silence. As others have said, a culture of women feeling guilty about being groped is what allows men to continue doing it.

Say "Get your hands off!" loud and clear any time he does it.
Then "I've told you not to grope me. That is not acceptable behaviour and you know it."
Then "If you do that again, I will report you for sexual assault"

Other women will be glad that you've brought it out into the open where it can be dwalt with.

And you will feel better about yourself for not being a victim in this.

ImperialBlether · 14/07/2014 15:30

First thing I would've done was to take a photo of him in all his glory at the open window. He'd find it hard to deny that.

Can you really not avoid being in the same room alone with him? I wouldn't go near him.

ChairmanWow · 14/07/2014 15:54

Yes, I came on to say take a photo. I had a neighbour exposed himself to me from his window repeatedly a number of years ago. I took a photo, showed it to him with a threat of reporting him to the police and it stopped. I wish I'd reported him now.

Your abuser has targeted you because he knows you're in a difficult position and are unlikely to report him. Please don't let this man continue to assault you to protect your friend's misguided feelings towards him. Imagine you were her - would you want your friend to go through this? Would you want to be married to someone who could repeatedly assault women and expose himself?

Coming on here is a good start - keep posting if you need some courage to make a stand.

Greyhound · 14/07/2014 16:02

I had a similar problem with a friend's husband. He was lecherous towards me and regularly spoke about women as though they were idiots who existed solely to have sex with disgusting men like him.

He talked about fetishism a lot and once bought me a rubber skirt - I hadn't asked for it. He lied and told me it was my friend's idea. If I was at his house, he would make comments about my breasts, bum etc. He would produce pornographic magazines and show me pictures of women posing and tell me that I should pose like that if I wanted to keep a man interested.

He was horrible. Just horrible. He did grope me. I was having a shower at the swimming baths and he came in and grope me.

I was very young and very naive. I began to think I must have led him on. However, he was ugly, old, dirty and married to my best friend.

In the end, I told her. The final straw was when he insisted on coming into my flat to mend my telephone - I let him in because I was drunk (had been out with his wife) and my guard was down. I came out of the bathroom to find him lying on my floor, naked and with an erection. I demanded he leave or I would call the police.

He left. I told his wife everything. She ended my friendship - which upset me - but also ended the marriage.

I really think you must do something before this monster hurts you even more.

minifingers · 14/07/2014 16:04

I'd print this thread off and post it to him.

Seeing himself bracketed with Rolf Harris and Jimmy Savile, and described as a 'sexual predator' may be enough to stop him in his tracks.

If not, knowing that there is a broad opinion that this sort of behaviour warrants reporting to the police might make a difference.

Lweji · 14/07/2014 16:54

No, I wouldn't send him the thread. You don't want him to know you are posting here.

But... I would text him saying that if he touched me again I would report him to the police.
If you don't want to report now. Because that is what you really should do.

ImperialBlether · 14/07/2014 18:51

Where and when does all this happen, OP?

Original poster
allyanna · 15/07/2014 00:01

Tx, all!

Have read all posts and still don't know what to do; I cannot hurt my friend.

He does it all in a "jokey" way; makes a point of showing up whenever my friend is away and offers to give me a massage or soap my back. Has asked if I miss and need a man. Said a very firm "NO!"

I think that I am ready now to confront/stop him because this has gone on for far too long but it's very difficult in a small community.

Must also add that I have a dreadful temper (under extreme provocation) which has sometimes gone out of control; another reason for non-confrontation!

OP posts:
Hissy · 15/07/2014 00:11

Why do you even give him the time of day when your friend isn't there?

Don't answer the door, ignore any calls and tell him to leave you alone if he approaches you.

Agreed it's his bad behaviour that's the issue, but he's not going to stop with a softly softly approach. People like him don't.

Original poster
allyanna · 15/07/2014 01:10

hissy - Only ever see him when I am in the front garden. It's quite spooky, really. Think that he waits up the road until I'm out there. I never answer the door unless I am absolutely sure that it's a welcome caller.

Am now feeling calmer about it all thanks to the kindness of you all on this thread; was so distressed yesterday!

Thank you, one and all!

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 15/07/2014 01:19

Poor you allyanna, what a horrible situation for you (and for your friend, though she may not know it). This is a good link from Victim Support on stalking and harrassment - because that's what this is.

Hissy · 15/07/2014 07:16

Christ alive, predatory or what? :(

So.

Have you planned out in your head wwhat you want to do next?

Rehearse it and it'll come to you easier then the moment comes.

jaynebxl · 15/07/2014 07:26

It doesn't have to be a big confrontation, just a firm one. Next time he makes some comment about soaping your back say why on earth would I want a married man to do that? He knows you feel awkward so he is getting off on feeling more powerful so you need to show him he isn't. Be bold and he will back off.

Roussette · 15/07/2014 11:21

Yes, be bold. Very. I would say in no uncertain terms that if he doesn't stop this straightaway you will take action and he will regret even looking at you. I appreciate you don't want to upset your friend, but surely enough is enough? Covering this up for the sake of your friendship is not the way now. How on earth can you hide this from her? I just know that with my close friends, I couldn't. We waffle away about our DHs like women do and I would feel very uncomfortable indeed knowing what he is doing. What's it like when you are out as couples?