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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

persistent groping by BF's husband

115 replies

allyanna · 14/07/2014 01:25

Not sure how to deal with this. It's been going on for a very long time. I love my friend. He is a very prominent member of the community. I have tried to dismiss it but he has no right to do this. Would welcome comments.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 15/07/2014 11:27

allyanna you owe it to your friend to call him on it. She would be so so upset if she knew he had been causing you such anguish.

  1. talk to him about it. Read him a "statement" out if you prefer "Sleazeball, you have touched me inappropriately for the last time. It must and will stop. The next time you touch me like that I will tell your wife".
  1. If he doesn' stop, tell your BF. My guess is that it will not be surprise to her
  1. If they refuse to address is, tell the police
Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/07/2014 14:01

Forgive me if anyone's already suggested this, but would it be worth telling him that if it doesn't stop you'll tell his wife?

I'm just thinking that you'll probably find out from his reaction whether she already knows ... if she does, and has been covering up for him, I guess that might change your view on things?

nauticant · 15/07/2014 15:44

Him: How about I [interact with you physically]?

You: Following numerous propositions from you I'm sure I wouldn't want that so if you did do it, it would be sexual assault.

ImperialBlether · 15/07/2014 16:21

I don't understand. He does this in your front garden?

MerryMarigold · 15/07/2014 16:36

I think it would help if we know some of the things he's done. He's been sexually suggestive (in your front garden), he had stood at the window naked opposite your house etc etc. out still also help if our when toy want to nail him, either directly our with the police. Please tell your friend. I think silence does have a party do play in perpuating it. My mum's uncle exposed himself to her when she was 5, and advised her porn images. She told her Mum. Her Mum got her Sister (mum'aunt) and her dh and told them what had happened. My mum's aunt was furious and said Mum was making it up. Later he abused his own daughter. I do blame my aunt partially for that. Your fiend had a right to know the man she is living with and the choice whether our not to protect those close to her from him.

MerryMarigold · 15/07/2014 16:38

Oh lordy, phone typos. I can't bring myself to type it again. Just that the list of things which have happened to the best if your memory will help you freak with this and process it a bit, I think. You should be much angrier than you are.

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 16/07/2014 00:07

What do people think of this possible approach?

I am wondering about confronting him in front of the friend, maybe the next time he tries something on when you are at theirs - but confront him with the whole list of dodgy stuff (list it out to yourself beforehand!), not just what he's just done.

For example, say he grabs your bum when her back is turned - to say very loudly and clearly in front of them both, "No, X, I do not want your hand on my bottom. Nor do I want , nor do I want you exposing yourself at the window, turning up every time I'm in the garden to suggest XYZ, grabbing my breasts at dinner parties,... (and every other thing you can think of that he's done)." With the optional but tempting addition of "If you ever do any of these again I will be informing the police/telling /" - and feel free to get as shouty as you like about it.

This way she would get to see his reaction and might be more likely to take you seriously, especially as it would obviously take some courage on your part to do this. And it would also hopefully freak him out enough to make him think twice...

Roussette · 16/07/2014 06:47

Good idea but the OP doesn't want to tell her friend anything about this which in some ways I understand, but given the years this has gone on, I can't get my head round

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/07/2014 10:04

I also like your idea, Inigo ... trouble is it could all go horribly wrong if it turns out his wife really does know and has been covering up for the sake of her "lifestyle"

In that situation they could both turn on OP, which is why I suggested tweaking the husband with a threat to tell his wife - hopefully this might indicate whether she is aware or not??

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 16/07/2014 12:01

I don't see a good way to deal with this effectively or permanently without telling the wife tbh... and keeping it secret is exactly what he is hoping for. Also I don't believe for a moment that the OP is the only person he's doing this to,

If they turn on her, she's no friend though... and OP would be well rid of them both.

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 16/07/2014 12:10

Actually I take back the last comment which is unfair of me, it would be understandable for the wife to be angry at OP at first and/or want to stick up for her husband if this does come as a surprise to her (though I would wonder whether she really doesn't have some idea?).

But if she had a chance to consider what you said, talk it over more with you/him but still sided with him after that or refused to believe you, then yes it would mean the end of the friendship but then in that case, it might be for the best.

kaykayblue · 16/07/2014 14:26

Jesus next time he does it turn around and say loudly keep your hands OFF me. Don't laugh be angry. If he does it again then smack him in the face.

I bet he does this to many women but they are too scared to stand up for themselves.

Don't be that woman. You don't need to accept this.

Warn him once then smack him. Seriously. You will get more support than you think.

This recently happened to a friend in my mums circle. Apparently one of the guys (married) in their group is a total perv. Her kept groping a friend, she turned around and said stop it and then the next time she smacked him in the face. Turned mouthed been doing it to all the women. His wife just shrugs it off each time, but she didn't start a fight over the fact this woman smacked her husband.

Original poster
allyanna · 20/07/2014 03:36

Was absolutely determined to stop his antics but didn't see him again since my last post until today when he was hiding behind a fence opposite my house. Couldn't speak for shock! He told me that I looked down-in-the-mouth. Went back indoors and locked the door.

OP posts:
Glastokitty · 20/07/2014 03:40

I'd would call the bloody police! You mustn't let him get away with this totally creepy and scary behaviour

Original poster
allyanna · 20/07/2014 03:42

Inogo - I love my friend; we have been through so much together over so many years. I could not possibly cause any hurt to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
allyanna · 20/07/2014 04:25

Am going to take Miggsie's advice on 2nd page despite the fact that my DS says that my knees are not so strong.

OP posts:
kaykayblue · 20/07/2014 04:29

Allyanna I really think you are doing your friend a huge discredit - maybe even being selfish.

If you two are genuinely as close as you say...do you think she would want you to be suffering with this? Do you think it would make her happy that you were suffering in silence and hiding things from her rather than talking to her?

You think it would cause her pain to tell her. How much pain do you think she would be in to find out from someone else that you have been going through this and never said anything to her?

Glastokitty · 20/07/2014 05:40

I agree. If I was your friend I'd want to know if my husband was a creepy stalking weirdo pervert!

Hissy · 20/07/2014 08:09

Oh god yes, I'd be utterly mortified if a friend I loved was being treated like this by any partner of mine.

tipsytrifle · 20/07/2014 08:51

allyanna - it seems you are going to deploy direct physical confrontation on this creep? Knees don't have to be strong but your will may need a bit more oomph because surely he'll report your "unwarranted" attack on him to his wife? Then what?

I think it is cruel to keep her, your friend, in the dark about all this harassment that borders on sexual assault. He was hiding in wait of you?? This is the man she lives with, sleeps with. It makes me shudder.

I wish you would hand this disgusting situation over to the police and let them deal with it.

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/07/2014 08:54

If she is nice, why wouldn't you tell her that she is married to a complete creep?

CeeloWeevil · 20/07/2014 09:07

Take your friend out of the picture, ally. you are being harassed and stalked by this man. Go to the police.

jaynebxl · 20/07/2014 09:33

I think you are making a mistake by running in and locking the door when he says something. You don't want him to think you're running scared. Just give him a firm response. This time juat "I'm absolutely fine" would have done but if it was more suggestive you could laugh and say "Not with you thanks"

jaynebxl · 20/07/2014 09:34

I think it's about not letting him think he has you on the back foot.

ifailatlife · 20/07/2014 10:13

Stop being weak and tell your friend.