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Original poster

persistent groping by BF's husband

115 replies

allyanna · 14/07/2014 01:25

Not sure how to deal with this. It's been going on for a very long time. I love my friend. He is a very prominent member of the community. I have tried to dismiss it but he has no right to do this. Would welcome comments.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 20/07/2014 12:04

Ally - if he is prepared to spy on you then who knows what else he could be doing/have done. You need the advice of professionals who deal with this all the time. Those professionals are called 'the police'. Use them and use them now!

Vivacia · 20/07/2014 12:28

Ring the police, tell them that there's an unknown man in your garden. He took you by surprise, said something you didn't catch but you're worried he's still there.

Hissy · 20/07/2014 12:36

Please call 101 and talk it over with them as to what would happen if you did officially report this AND take it forward.
You can't allow this to continue, sounds like this is escalating

IAmNotAMindReader · 20/07/2014 12:53

You need to call 101. You aren't doing anything to hurt your friend he is. He is also getting more and more blatant about it. One day your friend will catch him at it and her first impression will be that the two of you are having an affair.
This could even be part of his plan. He may be threatened by your friendship and so has decided to manipulate it, knowing one day he will know she is due in at any second. Then he can convince her you did all the running. She doesn't know much about life at all and can't trust her own judgement if such a long standing friend can pull the wool over her eyes. He will say he knows what's best for her and people she thought were friends are evil. Your silence could be setting her up for years of horribly isolating psychological torture.

MrsJoeDolan · 20/07/2014 13:11

Inogo - I love my friend; we have been through so much together over so many years. I could not possibly cause any hurt to her.

Well, you are being put at greater risk because of this then. He's testing your boundaries and from your descriptions it seems like he is upping the ante. The question you need to ask is what are you willing to tolerate because of your friend?

You absolutely, absolutely need to phone the police.

CarryOnDancing · 20/07/2014 18:39

His boundaries are getting weaker and his infatuation with you is getting stronger. I really disagree with the idea of standing up to him as I'd worry it would spur him on or he'd take it as his last opportunity to get something from you.

He is so unpredictable as he's being driven by something very sinister. Don't consider him a creep, consider his as getting more and more dangerous. He obviously got a kick from making you jump. He will possibly enjoy creating more shock and distress.

You need to forget your friend and take your safety seriously! Call the police and get some proper advice on this. They will recognise early patterns in sexual assault cases.

Please be safe!!

MrsJoeDolan · 20/07/2014 19:07

yep. everything CarryonDancing said.

Redglitter · 20/07/2014 22:11

Take your friend out the equation for a moment. would you put up with this harassment from anyone else?? I bet you wouldn't. You MUST report him.

If your friend is any kind of friend she'll be appalled you've been put through this.

You're not the one who's going to hurt her. Her husbands disgusting behaviour will.

CarryOnDancing · 23/07/2014 20:57

I hope we've not scared you too much OP, what are you going to do?

Original poster
allyanna · 09/12/2015 02:26

Update! Thanks to you all for your advice: I couldn't let my BF face the humiliation of police involvement - I told another woman who is married to a local freemason and she was in the same dilemma! The result is now that he never comes near me but I am black-balled and my BF has nothing to do with me anymore! Very sad - we were friends for 47 years!

OP posts:
Starface · 09/12/2015 03:21

Can I say thanks for update, though i didn't see this first time round and haven't rtft - I wanted to see why zombie thread was re-opened.

Would you consider going to the police now? Its highly likely he has done at least this to many other women, plus the self-exposure is also an issue. He sounds like a sex offender and would need external management to have a hope of stopping his behaviour. Now that so much of what you were concerned about losing has already been lost, I wonder if you would see the risks for you personally as the same or if there is less for you to lose by doing this? I'd really really encourage you to go forwards. Whilstleblowing is a lonely thing to do, and can often result in further victimisation of the whilstleblower, as you've found, but you may find the police are actually supportive around this and it helps make it less isolating. Also as/if they seek other victims to build a case if it gets to that stage you may find it helpful to have your position more vindicated. What you've been through sounds so hard.

Fwiw I went through similar, getting involved with a case against an ex-teacher who was eventually convicted. I also have some professional experience (so from the other side) but am not prepared to out myself by saying more about that (sorry, safety first). As a service user, the policewoman I spoke to was amazing. As a service provider, please please do this to help other women/children/anyone else who might be victim of his self-exposure and those women who might be victim of his assaults. Nothing can ever be done without the victims bravely coming forward and sitting out the process that has so many costs for them.

Starface · 09/12/2015 03:40

Having now rtft I have to say, without wishing to be harsh, I do find it amazing how few people say go to police. Actually even if his wife leaves him, this may well not force him to stop the behaviour. This isn't how it works.

The ex-teacher I mentioned before had previously been sacked for abuse, had his life turned upside down and had stopped for a bit. For a while he stopped, but he started again. I was only "groomed" (he was regaining confidence) but later he went on to re-establish his abuse fully. Someone in between me and the victim he was caught with talked to me about things and never went to the police. I will always regret not having gone to the police myself at that point actually.

You are not responsible for any of this, you are the victim. There is no blame on you if you do nothing, you didn't ask for any of this and I am sure it has been hugely difficult for you. However the fact remains he doesn't have a hope of stopping unless there are more external controls, and these will only be put in place via a conviction. Many victims who come forward do so because justice helps their own healing process, including managing their own guilt and sense of responsibility towards other possible victims as well as regaining their own sense of power rather than passize victimhood. Please please consider this.

janaus · 09/12/2015 05:28

Take a photo if you can of his posing nude, etc, or of any inappropriate behaviour.

amarmai · 09/12/2015 15:36

does your family know about this ? and if not, why not? The window can be kept covered but secrets shd not.

Nabootique · 09/12/2015 15:41

This is so sad, about your friend. What does she think happened? I mean why is she having nothing to do with you? Did she hear about it and disbelieve you? Glad you are out of such a horrid situation!

Original poster
allyanna · 10/12/2015 03:30

I think that attention was drawn to my BF about her H's behaviour by people in the masonic lodge; she and her husband are now multi-millionaires with many properties and land here and abroad. I could never have done anything to hurt her; we were young friends together and went through some very harrowing times.

OP posts:
FredaMayor · 10/12/2015 09:54

OP, have you considered that exBF knew about DH's wandering hand trouble and ignored it for reasons of her own? It could explain why you have been dropped by her.

Nabootique · 10/12/2015 16:20

Well, I'm really cross on your behalf! Decades of friendship should count for more than keeping up appearances with a pervert.

BMW6 · 10/12/2015 20:50

Well your "BF" has shown her true character hasn't she. Values appearances more than decency , morality and friendship. She is colluding with an abuser. Very sad for you, but it truly is her loss, not yours.
They may well be multi millionaires, but their true worth is nothing.
Flowers

jessicame · 11/12/2015 07:42

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amarmai · 11/12/2015 16:42

men accused of such typically deny &/ blame the victim. If your exbf is choosing to 'beleive' her h , maybe she has $$ reasons for that. It is a choice who/what you beleive but the fact that when forced to choose , she has not chosen you does not mean that your long friendship meant nothing. She will be torn -but she has been forced to choose .

Original poster
allyanna · 31/12/2015 02:15

Another update - my friend's H is seriously ill. I found out just before Xmas and didn't know what to do. Have done nothing as I didn't want to see him. Our community is giving lots of support and messages of love ... apart from me.

OP posts:
Original poster
allyanna · 31/12/2015 02:15

Another update - my friend's H is seriously ill. I found out just before Xmas and didn't know what to do. Have done nothing as I didn't want to see him. Our community is giving lots of support and messages of love ... apart from me.

OP posts:
IguanaTail · 31/12/2015 02:58

Stay away. She's not your friend if she dumps you because you report his predatory behaviour. And he's certainly not your friend. He can get by on the well wishes of others.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 31/12/2015 03:41

Are you certain that this serious illness is the truth rather than a smokescreen and a ploy to garner sympathy?

Quite honestly, if she has cut you out and is blaming you for your disclosure rather than her husband for being a predator and a pervert then she is not a friend.

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