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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

persistent groping by BF's husband

115 replies

allyanna · 14/07/2014 01:25

Not sure how to deal with this. It's been going on for a very long time. I love my friend. He is a very prominent member of the community. I have tried to dismiss it but he has no right to do this. Would welcome comments.

OP posts:
aturtlenamedmack · 14/07/2014 01:28

I would contact the none emergency police and report him.
He's sexually assaulting you and you're right,he has no right to do it and should get away with it.
Hope you're OK Flowers

aturtlenamedmack · 14/07/2014 01:28

Sorry, obviously I mean he should not get away with it.

CrystalDeCanter · 14/07/2014 01:29

Why can't you tell him to fuck off? Loudly. In front of the "community" if necessary.

He's a creep.

Why should you dismiss it? Like you say he has no right to do this to you if you don't want him to. Is he unaware you're not happy about it?

CrystalDeCanter · 14/07/2014 01:31

Sorry, my post sounded unsympathetic. I know it's very difficult to speak up in these circs but you really need to get some support to make it stop.

Original poster
allyanna · 14/07/2014 01:42

I know that it's assault Crystal. Probably why I posted. He IS a creep. We used to live opposite each other and he would regularly stand in his bedroom window naked before my BF came home. Just don't know what to do next. Was thinking of getting a mace spray or kneeing him in the groin. He's a freemason and would probably say that I'm lying.

OP posts:
scarletforya · 14/07/2014 01:45

Is this your best friends husband? Have you told her what's going on?

joanofarchitrave · 14/07/2014 01:48

Report him to the police. I don't believe mace is legal in the UK. He may well say you are lying but it seems very unlikely you will be the only person making the same complaint.

LiberalLibertines · 14/07/2014 01:57

Yes, have you told your friend about him exposing himself and groping you? And have you said anything at all to him about it?

Sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
allyanna · 14/07/2014 01:58

turtle Tx for the flowers. His wife (my best friend) worked for the police for many years. She is a devout Catholic. I can't hurt her by exposing her husband as a perv. I think that he must treat other women in the same way. He disgusts me and I want an end to this.

OP posts:
Original poster
allyanna · 14/07/2014 02:33

Have never said a word to my friend. We have been close for many years and have shared so many experiences. For example, our fathers died within 24 hours of each other (both aged 61). We supported each other during the terrible time while looking after our mothers. I can't upset my beloved friend.

OP posts:
CrystalDeCanter · 14/07/2014 02:44

I understand that you don't want to upset your friend allyanna, but that doesn't mean that you should have to put up with her husbands appalling behaviour.

If you are unwilling to go to the police do you have a friend you can confide in? Someone who will give you the confidence to stand up to him? He has absolutely no right to do this to you, you need to really believe that, and you are not the one responsible for his behaviour. Also you don't need to feel that your only options are being groped by this creep and keeping your lovely friendship with his wife or getting him to stop and losing the friendship.

If you feel unable to confront him in person could you write to him?

Redglitter · 14/07/2014 03:14

Just curious but what's the relevance of him being a freemason in all this?

HumblePieMonster · 14/07/2014 05:18

He's a freemason - the implication is that he will have close connections in the police service. It used to be a 'thing'. I don't expect anything like that goes on today. They're all in the Anglican churches now Wink

Hissy · 14/07/2014 06:51

Remember that who breaks your friend's heart is her groping, sexually assaulting husband. Not you.

You have to stop this, he can't do this to you,

Have you told anyone about this? Family, dp/h??

Sexual predators don't deserve their secrets being kept, but this is what they rely on.

The only chance you have of ending this is to report him.

Have you ever told him to stop? What happened when you did?

FolkGirl · 14/07/2014 06:54

The shame isn't hers, OP, it's his.

If my husband were behaving like this, I would want to know about it.

Walkacrossthesand · 14/07/2014 06:59

While you pluck up the courage to report him, could you avoid ever being on your own with him or in a situation where he can touch you unobserved? Leave the room, refuse to do anything that will leave you on your own with him...and if he does anything surreptitious in company, use the tube train trick of saying loudly 'please take your hands off me'....he can hardly say you're lying if he's standing right next to you!

Lweji · 14/07/2014 07:24

If my husband were behaving like this, I would want to know about it.

Definitely.

If she has a problem with you reporting him, then she's just as bad as him and not your friend.

hoboken · 14/07/2014 07:25

How would you feel if you discovered he assaults other women who for some reason are more vulnerable than you. Your friend may realise he is a predator (although not that he targets you) but she somehow copes with it to maintain her marriage.

I have every sympathy for you and am very sorry you are going through this. He is getting away with it because up until now you have let him. Perhaps by posting here you can take confidence from the views expressed to you. Your friend deserves better but it seems highly unlikely that your friendship would survive you reporting him.

You know that the choice is stark but if you do not report him he will carry on - there are currently no consequences for him. Have you ever challenged him or actually asked him to stop - in a way that sounds as though you mean it? By not doing so (and I realise how difficult it would be) you are, in his utterly twisted mind (although not in yours in any degree whatsoever), condoning what he does.

Because this has gone on for some time, if you do manage to challenge him verbally (and you clearly are not going to report him as others have suggested) he may claim that you 'like it' because you have not complained before. If you will not report the matter you have to take action - knee him in the scrotum, slap his face, dig your nails into his hand or whatever you can do at the time. You would then have to be prepared to argue that this was proportionate after years of abuse, entitlement, gross disloyalty to his wife.

In behaving as he does he is betraying your friend as well as you. You do not want that to carry on and you are the only one who can do anything about it.

So sorry you are going through this - I hope I do not sound harsh.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/07/2014 07:27

I think the order in which you confront this is as following.

  1. Him directly. Tell him to stop or you'll speak to your friend
  2. Your friend. Tell her what's going on.
  3. If you get no joy from doing 1. and 2. talk to the police.

I'd also recommend you talk to others in your 'community' about this man in a more general way. If he's a sex offender & exposing himself to you etc he's probably doing it to others.

jaynebxl · 14/07/2014 07:29

Next time he gropes you grab his hands, remove them from your body and say keep your hands to yourself clearly and firmly. Hopefully in public. Does he do it when other people are around? I guess so cos otherwise you would be making sure not to be alone with him.

lacktoastandtolerance · 14/07/2014 08:47

What might he be doing to his wife (your friend) and to others? Who are all also too scared to report. If you won't report him for yourself, report him for them.

But report him for yourself as well.

PiratePanda · 14/07/2014 08:50

Never tell manipulative creeps what you're going to do if.... Just do it. You have to document the occasions and go to the police. Even if it goes nowhere, they will question him and he should leave you alone. But I guess you might lose your friend :-(

Lucked · 14/07/2014 08:51

In what situations does he do this? Can you avoid being alone with him?

Next tme I would do as pp have said above and if he persists or doesn't back off I would start screaming really loud so everyone in the vicinity can hear - give him a scare and put him on edge as he won't know what you will do next.

Roussette · 14/07/2014 09:09

Even though it's your bf, I just can't work out why you aren't being more proactive in stopping him. How long has it been going on?

I agree with Hoboken. You are in danger of him saying you condone/encourage what he is doing because you've never complained.

Next time he does anything, turn into a scary strong person and tell him that if he ever does one more thing to you, you will make his life such a misery, you will tell everyone, you will shout it from the rooftops and he will wish he had never even glanced at you. (add a lot of nasty swear words too). Get angry for goodness sake. How on earth can you live with all this deceit? You are deceiving not only your friend and those in your social circle, you are deceiving yourself that he is going to stop after what seems like a long time going from what you've said.

Roussette · 14/07/2014 09:11

Sorry... yes you said in your OP 'a very long time'. I just can't work out how you've allowed it to carry on so long without taking some sort of action. Sorry to sound so blunt.

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