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Original poster

Feelings for a much younger man, and finding it really hard to do the 'right' thing.

111 replies

Justrestinginmyaccount · 13/07/2014 11:16

I know I'm probably going to get a very negative reaction to what I'm about to post, but I just need to get it all out as it is causing me quite a lot of distress.

I have been friends with this MUCH younger man for just over a year now. I am 35 and he is now 19 (I know, I know) Ever since I met him I have thought that he was a very special person; with the kind morals and integrity you don't find very often these days. Of course I always felt he was too young for me (which he is, clearly) so we were definitely only friends. However we started sending more time together since around Christmas, and about 4 months ago we started sleeping together.

I KNOW he is too young for me, and that I need to give him up for his own good. It is just so hard though. I have been single for 3 years (since my fiancée cut me out of his life overnight; which has been an horrifically scarring experience that I will probably never really recover from) I have met/dated men nearer to my own age since then, and it never seems to work out. They have all just seen me as a bit of fun, before they move onto some woman who is ALWAYS at least 10 years younger than me (ironic I know)

Has anyone else out there been in a similar situation, and if so what did they do? I know I need to stop seeing him, but he is one of my dearest friends and I absolutely adore him. The thought of being without him is incredibly bleak. I think I just basically need a kick up the a**e to give me the incentive to do the right thing.

I should probably add that I don't exclusively hang around with teenagers by the way. I just have quite an active social life; which means I have friends from lots of different age ranges. I am also ridiculously young at heart myself, or possibly immature to put it another way...

OP posts:
shivermekimbers · 13/07/2014 11:21

I don't have any experience of this whatsoever but he's of a legal age and if it's consensual and you're both enjoying the relationship, then I don't think it's a problem. Enjoy it, see what happens, don't worry too much about what others think. It may just be short-term fun or it could turn out to be more meaningful in the long-term but either way, it could be just what you need right now.

Good luck

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/07/2014 11:21

Surely, whether you are too old or too young is something you decide between you and is none of anyone else's business? There are people with a large age gap who can make it work. However you always have to be very conscious that people of different ages are at different stages in life, often want different things and that 'infatuation' is easily confused with 'love'.

Lagoonablue · 13/07/2014 11:21

Hmmmmmm. Not sure about this. The age difference is significant and he is young. It won't last in the long term as he is far too young to settle down. I think you will have to give him up one way or another eventually.

I don't know what to advise so not much help. Perhaps bite the bullet and end it now. It's inevitable really.

myflabberisgasted · 13/07/2014 11:21

Can I ask why exactly you have to "give him up"?

Age is just a number and if it works, then it works!
Ignore what people think and you have to do what makes you both happy.
My DH is 19 years older than me and no one has battered an eyelid and everyone just accepted us.

Why not just go for it?! Smile

MrsCosmopilite · 13/07/2014 11:25

What does HE want out of the relationship?
I don't see why you have to 'give him up' if you're compatible and happy with each other.

NotQuiteKhaleesi · 13/07/2014 11:28

I agree with PP, you are both consensual adults. Just make sure you follow the campsite rule, treat him with respect and make sure you leave him in better condition than you found him, and accept this in all likelihood isn't going to last in the long term. You're not doing anything wrong! Smile

Branleuse · 13/07/2014 11:31

i don't see the problem tbh, youre more worried by what other people think of the age gap than by what you guys feel.

I would remain aware that it might all change but that doesnt mean you cant enjoy each others company and have fun now

Original poster
Justrestinginmyaccount · 13/07/2014 11:34

Wow, I wasn't expecting a response like this. I was convinced everybody would tell me what a terrible person I am.

I suppose I feel I have to give him up because he is so young. He is just starting out in the world, and my heart has been ripped to shreds already by my ex. I feel I can't ever take the risk of putting myself through that again. Even the fact that I miss him when he isn't around makes me feel terrified. I don't like feeling vulnerable, or that somebody else has power over my feelings.

I have no idea what he wants to be truthful. I assume he just thinks the same as me, and that it won't go anywhere. On the other hand he says that nobody else he meets compares to me. He is a sweet, lovely boy, but he has been through quite a lot of damaging stuff for being so young. I suppose I just don't want to add to his hurt by doing something that might end in disaster!

OP posts:
CavaSupernova · 13/07/2014 11:39

We're a long time dead. You're both adults and you're both having fun. The 'right thing' is making sure no one's using or manipulating each other; it has nothing to do with age. Enjoy yourselves!

EllaFitzgerald · 13/07/2014 11:49

You're both consenting adults, neither of you are doing anything wrong.

Having said that, you do sound quite vulnerable. Are you sure that you're ready to be dating anyone?

Snapespeare · 13/07/2014 11:50

My initial reaction was that I would not be delighted if any of my children was dating someone 16 years older than them. But would try to support their choice and try to hide my concerns. DD is 19 and I would not be happy at all if she was dating a 35 year old. DS1 is 16 and I'd be very unhappy if he were dating a 32 year old. I guess the is a lot of difference between a 16 year old and a 19 year old though. I think a lot of growing up is done in this three years.

I think there's an element of societal expectation in this as well, as a 35 year old man dating a 19 year old woman is seen as slightly more acceptable than an older woman and a younger man...and I think this is what is freaking you out a bit.

do you want children OP? Is that a consideration? I know you've only been sleeping together for 4 months, so it might be a weird-spot in the relationship for that conversation...but if I were in your situation and I wanted to have DCs, I think my question would be around where we both saw the relationship heading and what our expectations might be rather than what other people thought about my relationships.

pilates · 13/07/2014 11:52

Go with the flow and enjoy. The only problem I can foresee is that you are starting to get emotional involved and if he is not feeling the same, you might get hurt, but I think you could say that about any relationship and the age gap is irrelevant.

Butterflyspring · 13/07/2014 11:53

I think as long as you are both happy and kind to one another you should do what you want.

Have you told anyone about your relationship - or is it a secret?

ivykaty44 · 13/07/2014 11:53

I am unsure why you feel that the age difference is so important that you must "give hime up"

Do his parents know about the relationship? Are you being given pressure in RL to stop seeing him?

Viviennemary · 13/07/2014 11:58

I think the age gap is just simply too wide when the male is aged only 19. I certainly would not be happy if my 19 year old son went out with a woman of 35. Nevertheless, you are both adults and must do what you think is right.

Original poster
Justrestinginmyaccount · 13/07/2014 12:00

I totally understand where you are coming from Snape and I would probably have very similar feelings myself if it were my child. The only thing I can say in my favour from that angle is that I would rather die than do anything to hurt him. I am incredibly aware of how damaging bad relationships at that age can be. I went through it myself with a man of 38 when I wasn't that much older then this boy, and the mental scars remain with me to this day. I do everything I can to help him see how special a person he is; which isn't hard because I think he is very special!

I would love to have a child, but I've pretty much given up on the idea of it ever happening. I certainly don't entertain dreams of us starting a family; I simply don't have that much luck! I've more or less abandoned the idea of finding a real relationship ever again if I'm honest. As Ella rightly points out, I am quite vulnerable in that respect. I probably shouldn't be seeing/sleeping with anyone, but it's been three years since my fiancée left me. He's happily moved on, and I am the one left floundering and broken hearted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justrestinginmyaccount · 13/07/2014 12:02

ivy His parents do know, but I've never met them so don't really know how they feel about it. He doesn't live with either of them anyway.

My mother knows and she went mental. Told me it was wrong and that she couldn't believe I would do something like that. It made me feel really good as you can imagine.

OP posts:
Fontella · 13/07/2014 12:03

I don't see anything wrong with what you are doing. It might not last but if you were sleeping with a 35 year old man, that might not last either. I've been out with blokes 10 years younger than me - no problem. Don't get yourself upset over it, just enjoy it for what it is - stop tying yourself up in knots and worrying about it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/07/2014 12:10

I think the 'wrinkle' here is that you say he has been through 'damaging stuff'. That paints him less as a consenting adult and more as a vulnerable one. You have the maturity to deal with the problems you've experienced and he probably doesn't. That's tipping this more into 'bad idea' territory which has the potential to cause a lot of hurt.

Rebecca2014 · 13/07/2014 12:14

Please just go for it, why can men just go for women more than double their age yet women feel so guilty for doing the same? you aren't even double his age so go and have fun with him but I wouldn't expect It to last long term.

Original poster
Justrestinginmyaccount · 13/07/2014 12:16

I hear what you are saying Cogito and I do agree that he is quite vulnerable. Certainly he has found himself in situations in the past where people have taken advantage of him. So I do torture myself sometimes that I am on the same level as those people?

On the other hand he is remarkably emotionally intelligent, and switched on. It's one of the qualities I've always liked so much in him. He says nobody has ever been kinder to me than I am, and in all fairness I always have seen him through utterly rose tinted glasses, and spoiled him rotten. I'd do anything for him! So with regards to getting hurt, I would say I'm just as much at risk as he is. Probably even more so because I'm older, and less resilient because of it!

OP posts:
Fairylea · 13/07/2014 12:18

Just enjoy it and see where it goes.

If it was a man of 35 and a woman of 19 hardly anyone would bat an eyelid. And if they did it would be for envying the man, not thinking he's some kind of weirdo.

When I went through a divorce a while back I went out with someone 8 years younger than me and it was great :)

Waltermittythesequel · 13/07/2014 12:18

He is a sweet, lovely boy, but he has been through quite a lot of damaging stuff for being so young

I was all set to tell you that it's no big deal but the above have me pause.

The way you describe him as a boy is a bit off, for me anyway. He's an adult. But if you see him as a 'boy' then that's not great is it?!

The other thing is that if he's been through 'damaging' stuff there's every chance that he's too vulnerable and emotionally immature to be in a relationship with a much older person.

That being said, you're only sleeping together. I'm sure it will fizzle out.

He'll meet someone else or you will and then that will be that.

OR

It's entirely possible that this could work out long term.

Dh is 12 years older than me. Granted, I was older when we met but only by three years!

My long-winded point is the age gap is not an issue but everything else could be.

Back2Two · 13/07/2014 12:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

StandsOnGoldenSands · 13/07/2014 12:22

It sounds as though your reasons for caution should be more focused on yourself rather than the age issue.

You do sound quite vulnerable, and also very smitten.

Sometimes it can be better to draw a line and avoid getting hurt, if you don't feel you are emotionally resilient enough to cope with that happening.

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