Feelings for a much younger man, and finding it really hard to do the 'right' thing.

[Justrestinginmyaccount]

I know I'm probably going to get a very negative reaction to what I'm about to post, but I just need to get it all out as it is causing me quite a lot of distress.

I have been friends with this MUCH younger man for just over a year now. I am 35 and he is now 19 (I know, I know) Ever since I met him I have thought that he was a very special person; with the kind morals and integrity you don't find very often these days. Of course I always felt he was too young for me (which he is, clearly) so we were definitely only friends. However we started sending more time together since around Christmas, and about 4 months ago we started sleeping together.

I KNOW he is too young for me, and that I need to give him up for his own good. It is just so hard though. I have been single for 3 years (since my fiancée cut me out of his life overnight; which has been an horrifically scarring experience that I will probably never really recover from) I have met/dated men nearer to my own age since then, and it never seems to work out. They have all just seen me as a bit of fun, before they move onto some woman who is ALWAYS at least 10 years younger than me (ironic I know)

Has anyone else out there been in a similar situation, and if so what did they do? I know I need to stop seeing him, but he is one of my dearest friends and I absolutely adore him. The thought of being without him is incredibly bleak. I think I just basically need a kick up the a**e to give me the incentive to do the right thing.

I should probably add that I don't exclusively hang around with teenagers by the way. I just have quite an active social life; which means I have friends from lots of different age ranges. I am also ridiculously young at heart myself, or possibly immature to put it another way...

"He says nobody has ever been kinder to me than I am, and in all fairness I always have seen him through utterly rose tinted glasses, and spoiled him rotten. I'd do anything for him!"

Spoiled in what sense? Money? Gifts?

PS. Might also be worth thinking about your relationship with your mum, you seem to have really taken her criticism to heart.
Is she normally supportive, do you feel you have a generally positive relationship with her?

always have seen him through utterly rose tinted glasses, and spoiled him rotten

Another exa

*example of my concerns.

You're talking about him as if he were a child. Almost like a son in a way.

You need to examine your feelings properly with this one.

What I get from your posts is that you don't want to get hurt again, and you don't want to hurt him. Is that right?

The thing is, those risks apply to any romantic relationship, regardless of age difference. You'll be taking a risk in any relationship if you choose to care deeply about somebody again. And you risk hurting someone if they grow to care deeply about you.

The best thing you can do is communicate honestly and openly. Ask how he's feeling and what he wants, think about what you want, talk to him about your concerns. Keep checking in with each other, and if things start to go badly, end it as kindly as you can.

And don't let other people's opinions affect you. There's a 14 year age difference between my mum and stepfather, and they've been together two decades. There are a huge range of relationships in the world, combinations of genders, races, ages, everything. There's nothing wrong with your relationship if you're both happy and treating each other well.

I don't have an issue with age gap relationships per se, and was good friends with a colleague of mine who was 20 years younger than his wife, they were together from 20/40 and still going strong 20 years later. He said her parents were unhappy with the relationship initially.

Having said that, there are a few slight alarms here- the language of spoiling him, being kind, him being 'vulnerable'. I wonder whether as you want a child, you may be tempted to push/encourage him to make decisions very early in your relationship about being together. Really the best thing would be to see how things go, be together for a year or two, and it will become clear if it is just a fling or a life- partner type situation.

Also- if you like someone, you can't avoid getting hurt. You can't say to someone- be with me but only if you won't hurt me. He has the right to leave when he wants, and that might be more months or years in, as do you. Otherwise it is verging on emotional blackmail.

You may be just what each other needs though, I don't think you should end it on principle, but keep these issues in mind.

What? You're all insane.
She's known him since he was a child and he's still barely an adult.
He has had a difficult childhood in some way which she has supported him through in the role of supportive adult.
She has also had a difficult time emotionally.
They are both vulnerable in different ways.
This is a million per cent inappropriate. The dynamic cannot be anything but unhealthy and it disturbs be hugely that she seems to have waited until he was just barely an adult to make a move! having known him as a child. If the genders were reversed you'd all be accusing her of grooming him and being predatory. Which I think she is, possibly unwittingly, but nevertheless.

OP, leave well alone. This is not fair on him.

It sounds like you've gone for this boy, instead of a man, to give yourself some control after having been hurt.

Not sure you are the best thing for him as you sound quite complicated. That's just what I perceive from your posts though. You know the real situation.

Sorry I misread how long you have known him for. I stand by what I said in the main though.

I also genuinely believe it's almost impossible for people of 19 and 35 to be equal on a level of emotional development. She's had 17 years of adult experience, he's had 1.

I had almost the same age gap between my ex and I, but I was 18. He's damaged, emotionally vulnerable and may well be enjoying the mothering you give him.

You're all really giving me food for thought here ladies, and I really do appreciate all your help and input.

Walter I suppose I do have a tendency to see him as just being a boy...he is though really. I would never say anyone is a man at 19, but that is just my opinion. He gets really frustrated when I talk like that. He says he isn't doing anything he doesn't want to be doing, and he isn't a child! I do want to look after him, but to be honest that is a weakness of mine in al respects; not just relationships. I want to mother my friends as well, and I work in the caring profession and I'm training to become a counsellor. It has been my downfall in the past, and I know I need to be more aware of it.

Cognito No massive gifts. Just little bits of money, a few concert tickets. He has nothing, and I can't help myself. He never asks for anything from me though, and I am certainly not trying to buy his affections. He isn't the only person I give things to...as I say, it's a bit of a weakness of mine.

infinite I am more terrified of getting hurt than I can even put into words. I am terrible at discussing my feelings though..which means I end up hurt. I find it so hard to voice my needs and concerns. I have very little self-confidence, and always just assume the worst is going to happen to me.

Napoleon I hear what you are saying, but I would definitely never try and push anyone into a commitment with me. If anything I fee there's not point, as nobody would want me anyway. I really feel nowadays that love and commitment are for other people, and that it's never going to happen for me. I know that sounds pathetic, but I feel I need to be honest about my thoughts here.

How little are the little bits of money? I don't want to cast too many aspersions but the cliché of the 'fond old woman and young man who is keen to take advantage of her 'weaknesses'' can't be dismissed.

You need to work on your own emotional issues before you start inflicting them on a vulnerable teenager.

My mother knows and she went mental. Told me it was wrong and that she couldn't believe I would do something like that. It made me feel really good as you can imagine.

My mother did exactly the same and actually stopped speaking to me - when I was 36 and started dating a 22 year old.

Fast forward 4 years, we are happily married with two children. My mother now thinks he's fab - albeit, she will confess she still thinks he's too young for me!

I think it can work if you are both on the same page in life. Yes, I was older, but I hadn't married, had no kids, was taking a career break at the time so was working the same job as he was. Basically, it's not as though DH shacked up with an older woman with kids who'd already done all the firsts (if that makes sense)

Be prepared though - you will always get people who will judge you. Normally we don't get that on first glance, as I look about 30, and DH looks about 28 ish, so we don't look 'odd' together.

Does he look a young 19 or more like a rugged 25?

I'd just enjoy it - life is too short to deal with other people's opinion of what is right or wrong in their eyes. He's an adult.

Oh and Stands My mother is normally supportive, but I sense she is losing patience with me lately. I feel that she thinks I'm not "trying hard" enough to find a suitable man. Whereas in reality I would love to find someone appropriate. I just don't seem to be managing it. All the men my age just seem to want younger women, or they do in London anyway! She really upset me with the way she went off the deep end at me about it all. I felt a thousand times worse afterwards.

I wouldn't read anything into your fiancé "already moving on." It has been 3 years and men often find they need a partner more than women so settle down quicker.

Seeing it as a weakness that you give him gifts and money is a bit strange.

Cognito I mean little as in £10 at the most. That was only when we were friends anyway, he won't take it off me now; even when I offer. I do appreciate why you would wonder along those lines though.

Need There is nothing rugged about him; quite the opposite. He doesn't even look his age. I am not going to dress it up in "Oh, but he looks older" He looks like a teenage boy, and I have NO defence on that score. Having said that...we have been asked quite a few times if we are together, and nobody has looked horrified. I am lucky enough to look good for my age, but I'm very aware that I still look years older than him.

Ehric I really don't feel it is a case of inflicting my issues. I ask for nothing whatsoever from him, and I don't expect anything either. I do hear what you are saying though. I know myself that the situation is unworkable.

Your mum is being ridiculous. Nothing to do with her whether you have a "suitable" man or not. Where does it say it has to be her decision if someone is suitable or not? .

It might help to know that the reason my mother went off the rails (she has since told me) is because, she wanted me to go out with someone who could possible lead me to marriage and kids (which she knew I wanted) and in my 30's, she thought my time was running out.

Hence, what was I doing wasting my time with a 20 something.

Only you know whether you just want to enjoy this for what it is (maybe just a fling?) or whether they is something more there. I'd be honest, with yourself and with your mum. If it is just a fling, tell her that and tell her it's your life! You're not wasting any time, you'll still keep your options open and if the right 40 something doctor/lawyer/banker came along you'd be there in a flash!

itsfab He was shacked up with someone else within a year of kicking me out of his life. He told me he didn't want to see me any more and that was it! I never saw him again, and that was after we were together nearly 6 years. I try very hard to get over it, but it has left me feeling utterly worthless in all honesty.

I don't mean a weakness towards him in general. I just know I have a tendency to give more about than I get back sometimes. I am working on changing that though...

Need yes, that does help. I suspect my mothers concern stems from exactly that. She knows that finding someone and having a child is something I would love to do, and she knows that my time is running out...

You admit you are codependent and a compulsive care giver, and you have found a vulnerable and very young man to be the recipient of your care giving. That's inflicting your issues I'm afraid.