Feelings for a much younger man, and finding it really hard to do the 'right' thing.

[Justrestinginmyaccount]

I know I'm probably going to get a very negative reaction to what I'm about to post, but I just need to get it all out as it is causing me quite a lot of distress.

I have been friends with this MUCH younger man for just over a year now. I am 35 and he is now 19 (I know, I know) Ever since I met him I have thought that he was a very special person; with the kind morals and integrity you don't find very often these days. Of course I always felt he was too young for me (which he is, clearly) so we were definitely only friends. However we started sending more time together since around Christmas, and about 4 months ago we started sleeping together.

I KNOW he is too young for me, and that I need to give him up for his own good. It is just so hard though. I have been single for 3 years (since my fiancée cut me out of his life overnight; which has been an horrifically scarring experience that I will probably never really recover from) I have met/dated men nearer to my own age since then, and it never seems to work out. They have all just seen me as a bit of fun, before they move onto some woman who is ALWAYS at least 10 years younger than me (ironic I know)

Has anyone else out there been in a similar situation, and if so what did they do? I know I need to stop seeing him, but he is one of my dearest friends and I absolutely adore him. The thought of being without him is incredibly bleak. I think I just basically need a kick up the a**e to give me the incentive to do the right thing.

I should probably add that I don't exclusively hang around with teenagers by the way. I just have quite an active social life; which means I have friends from lots of different age ranges. I am also ridiculously young at heart myself, or possibly immature to put it another way...

I don't see a problem with this, young men often get crushes on older women. The problem will be if one or both of you really fall for the other and it ends badly. But that could happen with any relationship.

I'm sure you are aware he probably won't always stay moral and integrity as he gets older.

I find it strange that at 35 you are surrounded by men looking for much younger women. I know of plenty of men around that age who have settled down recently with women of a similar age. Perhaps its where you live or something.

If you were male and he was female they'd be outrage

No, I don't think there would be.

Plenty here have said that they've been with much older men.

I have said that my dh is twelve years older. Age may have gotten in the way for you for whatever reason, but that's certainly not the case for everyone.

I don't think the age gap would be a concern, except for the very important facts:

• YOU think of him as a boy
• YOU don't think he's an adult
• You like to spoil and "mother" him
• This "boy" has been through a tough time and you're "helping" him.

You know this is a dysfunctional relationship. It's not that it's "weird" or "wrong" or anything like that to date a younger man, but it IS weird and wrong in your situation where you consider yourself a "mother figure" of a "boy" that you're sleeping with.

I would think the same if the sexes were flipped. It's quite easy to get the impression that you're taking emotional advantage of a fragile person.

It also appears like you're taking the easy way out. You're using this boy as a crutch to stop being out there, and that you're still emotionally scarred and scared of being alone. You need to take care of yourself first. Only then will you be able to be there for someone else. Don't be scared of being alone. Don't be worried that your ex has moved on. He is no reflection of you, or vice versa.

Honestly, if it weren't for his age, do you really think you're ready for a committed relationship? Would you be with a man who isn't emotionally sound? Most of us would, if we found out he still had a lot of emotional baggage to deal with, not go there in terms of a relationship, but maybe friendship.

You need to end it, both for your own sanity and his. You've got your own stuff to deal with, he has his own stuff. I think you should distance yourself as his friend as well, only because the temptation would still be there.

personal story: my first real bf was 35, I was 18. He was such a good thing for me. Taught me to think for myself, was patient, gentle, challenging in a good way, kind. Didnt last but I will always be grateful I had that experience.

2nd bf same age

3rd bf, now my husband, is 12 years younger. I kept clear of romantic involvement for quite some time (we were good friends, but kept it at that) because of the age gap. In the end we ended up together and we're happy now.

while tere are definitely pitfalls, it -can- work. As someone said upthread, follow the campsite rule: leave the younger partner in a better condition than you found them.

The only red flag is that you refer to him as a boy. He's not, not if you really are together. He's a man. There is an experience gap, but you gotta see him as an equal. Btw its a good sign that he refuses any money at all from you now.

Also, don't pay too much attention to your mother. What do you, yourself, unhindered, feel is the right thing to do for you both? keep seeing each other or to say goodbye?

This is my first post but you made me want to reply!

I've been with my DP for three years - I'm 39 and he is 22. We have a 8 month old baby and apart from the sleepless nights we are very happy!

I don't think I've held him back, although it was a concern at first - whilst with me he's finished Uni getting a good degree, studied abroad for a year and has just started his grad job.

If this guy makes you happy go with it. I had my reservations to start with but what started out as a summer fling actually turned into something so special and precious that the age gap doesn't feature.

At first his family weren't keen but I actually get on with them now and have been welcomed into his family.

Don't listen to those negative people who say young people aren't capable of settling down or are immature etc. I've been out with a few men of my own age, deemed more suitable by 'society' and they have been downright horrible. Everyone is different so who are we to make assumptions about someone else based on age?!

Good luck to you. I'm all for taking happiness where you can and if he makes you happy go for it.

I don't know what will happen to me and my DP in the future but that is the same for any couple regardless of their ages.

:)

Wow, so many replies! Sorry I didn't answer quicker; I've been at work all night.

It is really interesting to hear every bodies opinions. I've had every response from "It's dysfunctional and wrong" through to "Go for it" It has all given me a lot to think about. It was lovely to hear the stories of those who have had successful age gap relationships, and whilst I suspect it won't work out that way for myself; it is nice to hear of others happiness.

I do feel that I should clarify regarding the mothering and wanting to look after him. That really isn't exclusive to him at all; I am like that with all my friends. I love them all dearly, and would do anything for any of them. I believe that deep down we are all really just frightened children, looking for acceptance and safety. I do probably underestimate him in that respect though. As ironically he is usually much more forthright about his feelings, and expresses himself much better than I ever do!

Lonny There is a lot of truth in what you say. I am terrified of relationships/commitment/getting hurt. I didn't always used to be this way, but now it is a very powerful, all consuming emotion that I struggle with terribly. One of my best friends summed it up quite well when she said that if it wasn't the age gap, I would find something else to use as an excuse. I have a feeling she might be right in her assessment.

walter I am looking for a new counsellor at the moment (I have to have one as part of my course) So hopefully I will be able to find somebody I can work better with. I didn't even dare tell my old counsellor about this issue; I felt judged to hell and back as it is!

So, I am going to see my guy on Thursday, and I have decided to try and gather my bravery and have a real conversation about things. I have no idea what he REALLY thinks or feels, so I can't really proceed until then. Things cannot continue as they are though, it is causing me too much emotional upset. I genuinely do want to do the right thing by him though. The talk of me using a fragile boy has really cut deep (although I was prepared for it) He is so precious to me, the last thing I ever want to do is cause him pain. I care about his feelings more than mine to be honest.

oh, OP. I wish you nothing but happiness, truly. I hope your chat goes well... I feel for you, I really do.

I've been in love with a much younger man. It fizzled because he was a boy and not a man. I think you should be prepared to see the man... just in case.

Thank you middlethird I hope so too. I need to do something to resolve it, and I shall. It is scary though. I find talking about my feelings with men utterly, utterly terrifying. It is a massive issue for me.

Good luck on Thursday.

Either way, no matter the outcome, you won't be feeling this uncertainty about your relationship anymore when you bring it out into the open and that can only be a good thing!

I'm also 35 and I've just started seeing a 24 year old. I definitely see him as a man though, he's very wise and has seems like an old soul. I have to admit the age gap bothers me to a point but I think it's more to do with lifestyle difference than numbers, I'm a single mum whose working and studying hard and he's a musician who travels around with his band and is nowhere near thinking about settling down.

We're keeping things open for now, that's my preferred kind of relationship anyway and I feel I don't want to hold him back. In my head it's probably going to be a great summer fling but nothing much more, which is good enough for me! I have dan savage's campsite rule in my head at all times too!

I think people can be very sneery about older women with younger men but it actually makes a lot of sense in many ways, especially physically but not exclusively. I think my guy likes having someone who's more sorted and knows who they are/where they're going and I like that he's fresh and positive and enthusiastic and hasn't been beaten down by life yet!

I think it's ok for you to carry on seeing him, just be mindful in your approach to it, live in the here and now and see how things go. Good luck!

It sounds as if you are handling this really well, justresting. I hope the open talk goes well.

One thing:

I do feel that I should clarify regarding the mothering and wanting to look after him. That really isn't exclusive to him at all; I am like that with all my friends. I love them all dearly, and would do anything for any of them. I believe that deep down we are all really just frightened children, looking for acceptance and safety.

I am terrified of relationships/commitment/getting hurt. I didn't always used to be this way, but now it is a very powerful, all consuming emotion that I struggle with terribly.

for some reason, I cant pinpoint why, I have the feeling that your mothering thing is actually a way of hiding from something. I don't think we are all frightened children looking for acceptance and safety. I am and maybe you are, but many even most people are reasonably content and confident. It's lovely to be willing to do anything for anyone, but it doesn't have to be mothering. 'mothering' applied to other adults can, at worst, be smothering. Not saying you are, but somehow I think you need to look at this in your counselling

Oh Jacey How I wish my guy was 24! I wouldn't be having this conflict then, and would just be able to let myself be happy instead. Your man sounds pretty tasty actually-enjoy!

Meerka I definitely agree that my desire to look after people has some reasons behind it that I need to explore, and I am going to try and address this when I start with my new counsellor. I became involved in a very emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive relationship with a man of 38 when I was barely 21. He caused me untold damage that I don't think I have recovered from, even though it ended years ago. I think with this young guy I am perhaps trying to heal my own past. He reminds me so much of what I was like when I was young, and I am terrified that the wrong person might get hold of him, and put him through the terrible things that I was forced to experience. Not very healthy at all, but I have to be honest about things, otherwise I don't really see a way of moving forward...

it really sounds like you have a very good awareness of what's going on at least.

I am so sorry you fell into the hands of a shit. It does sound as if you are being very careful indeed with your friend. I do think you have to go by a mix of heart-and-head when you decide if you should end it, but it's clear that you will leave him in a way better state than you were left.

Sometimes relationships like this -can- be healing, too, but well, you probably know that better than me! :)

Thank you for your kind words Meerka they really are much appreciated. I will let you know how it goes at the weekend. Everyone has been so helpful in their responses, and it has been really interesting to hear all the different opinions.

Well I had my talk with my younger man, and I have to say that I don't really feel any further forward with it all...

The main content of what I said was that I don't feel that what we are doing is right because of the massive age gap. I explained my guilt and worries over what we are doing, and my concern that it will end up with us falling out at some point because it isn't a workable situation.

His response was basically that although he knows realistically that I am right; he also doesn't think he could meet anyone more "suitable" who could match up to me. He says he wants to keep seeing me, and got very upset when I said I wasn't sure it was the right idea.

TBH, a part of me is now feeling that he gets the better part of the deal in a lot of ways. He gets all the benefits of a relationship when he comes to see me, but without any of the commitment. On the other hand; perhaps I should stop over thinking it and just enjoy it for what it is? Only right now I'm not enjoying it...I'm miserable with the situation.

So it wasn't quite the resolution I was hoping for, and now I am not sure how to proceed. I wish I was better at being decisive and asserting myself. I feel so pathetic!

ooh, this is bad.

He is a vulnerable 19 year old.

End of.

Fundamentally, the same rule applies as in any other relationship situation, setting aside the age thing: if you want more than a casual hassle free thing but he doesn't then you have to put yourself first and take defensive measures to protect yourself from getting too badly hurt. That means being realistic about how emotionally involved you are and whether it is better to end it now rather than to get sucked further in and badly hurt at a later date.

This is almost a mother/son relationship.

I fear we are both going to end up hurt Stands I just don't know the best way to handle it to cause the least damage.

Setting As it stands, it is actually me who appears to be in a state over it all. I'm coping the worst out of the 2 of us! I can appreciate your point of view though.

But this is not about how you are both coping.

It is about how mature you both are.
You have said that you are immature.
And a vulnerable 19 year old is not mature either.

So in say 2 years time, you both could be quite different people.

He gets all the benefit of a relationship but with none of the commitment - your own words.

You deserve someone who wants to commit to you fully. If you are not getting this or cannot ask for it from your current guy then it would be better to move on I'm afraid. Don't sell yourself short.

By the way I had a similar situation; he was 18, I was 24. We were together for two and a half years and then we broke up. He had a horrible childhood, and was quite a mess. He's a lovely guy and we have been best friends for over a decade now. I'm very glad I was there for him to help him start to sort his life out but I am also very glad that our relationship ended because he is a much better friend than a boyfriend for me

Stands Getting somebody to commit to me would be wonderful. I suspect it will never happen though...I am broken, and this whole scenario is a brilliant example of it.

I am glad to hear you and your guy ended up good friends. I wish I had just stayed friends with this guy from the start. I don't know what I was thinking. I have been an utter fool.

Thing is though, it didn't happen just by chance. It happened because we put a lot of work into making that transition. It also helped that we had several months of no contact after we broke up because I spent a whole winter travelling abroad. That helped draw a line under things and when I got back, we had both changed and moved on.

I understand Stands and it sounds as if you handled things very well.

I don't feel like I am handling things well at all. I think perhaps going NC is the best thing to do, but I don't know how to say it to him. Mainly because deep down it isn't what I want.

I need to woman up basically, but it's so hard.