Feelings for a much younger man, and finding it really hard to do the 'right' thing.

[Justrestinginmyaccount]

I know I'm probably going to get a very negative reaction to what I'm about to post, but I just need to get it all out as it is causing me quite a lot of distress.

I have been friends with this MUCH younger man for just over a year now. I am 35 and he is now 19 (I know, I know) Ever since I met him I have thought that he was a very special person; with the kind morals and integrity you don't find very often these days. Of course I always felt he was too young for me (which he is, clearly) so we were definitely only friends. However we started sending more time together since around Christmas, and about 4 months ago we started sleeping together.

I KNOW he is too young for me, and that I need to give him up for his own good. It is just so hard though. I have been single for 3 years (since my fiancée cut me out of his life overnight; which has been an horrifically scarring experience that I will probably never really recover from) I have met/dated men nearer to my own age since then, and it never seems to work out. They have all just seen me as a bit of fun, before they move onto some woman who is ALWAYS at least 10 years younger than me (ironic I know)

Has anyone else out there been in a similar situation, and if so what did they do? I know I need to stop seeing him, but he is one of my dearest friends and I absolutely adore him. The thought of being without him is incredibly bleak. I think I just basically need a kick up the a**e to give me the incentive to do the right thing.

I should probably add that I don't exclusively hang around with teenagers by the way. I just have quite an active social life; which means I have friends from lots of different age ranges. I am also ridiculously young at heart myself, or possibly immature to put it another way...

I am a firm believer that the best way to remain friends with an ex in the long term is to have a decent period of no contact after breakup. It is hard at the time but in a beneficial way. And it means you can freely choose afterwards whether you actually want to be their friend. Some of my exes, I've decided that actually no I don't want to, ta muchly

It sounds as though you have got yourself tied up in knots about this chap. Regardless of age, if he won't commit then you need to move on. Added to that the age factor and I would say that you definitely need to move on.

Yes it will be hard but you are the grownup here. Sorry to sound harsh but the best thing you can do for him is to step back I think.

For yourself - counselling if you can. And again sorry to sound harsh but you need to build up your self esteem and get to a place where you're happy being single. It's the foundations for how to make a relationship work.

My son is his age and I would be disappointed being blatantly honest if he got involved in a relationship like this but not because of the age solely It sounds dysfunctional in other ways.

I don't know if there would be any reason to be disappointed noddy We have a great time together, I am incredibly mindful of not hurting him, and he would be more than happy for us to continue seeing each other. None of my agonising or mental torture goes on in front of him. I would never do that!

It's only dysfunctional in the sense that it can't last because he is too young. The problem is that I'm struggling to end things because It isn't what I want to do. I will have to though; I'm just trying to gather the courage to do it.

A big age gap worked for Sam Taylor wood.

Goodness me! Now there is a brave woman who isn't afraid to go for what she wants!

Strangely, they don't look like they have such a large age gap between them.
Either she's young(ish) looking, or he looks older thgan his years!

I think he looks young, but she looks very youthful as well. They make a lovely couple.

It's almost like you're trying out the Junior Scrabble version of a relationship. You clearly consider him a charming and delicate flower who would never hurt you, a safe option. But - he's not! He could just as easily (perhaps more easily as he's young enough to have less idea about consequences) up and leave you all of a sudden. He's not a risk free option , he is in fact a real person. And what's worse (purely thinking of you here) is the risk to your own self-esteem if you end up thinking you've done something wrong by being with him. Think about it - you already feel like crap. If you end up hurting his feelings badly, or it goes wrong another way, you may also have to think of yourself who's damaged an already vulnerable near-child. Don't do it! You're already feeling crap about this. You know full well you need to be single and brave, and let this young fellow grow up.

My dh is 12 years younger than me.
We have been together nearly eight years now and have 2 dds.
Still very happy.

Elephants I may have given that impression, but I actually don't consider him that much of a delicate flower. Well...in some ways I do perhaps. He is very sensitive and emotionally intelligent, but he's also packed some things into 19 years on earth that would frankly make a whore blush! He comes across as sweet and adorable, but I'm very aware it isn't the whole picture at all.

With regards to damaging him...I am very aware that I could hurt him (or vice versa) That is why I know I need to give him up. It is finding the strength that is the hard part. Giving up somebody you love dearly is not an easy thing to do; even if you know its for the best.

I should add that none of this is stemming from a fear of being single. I've ended a relationship in the past year cos it wasn't working. I've turned down dates/men's interest because I felt it wasn't right. I'm certainly not desperate to have any male interest at any cost. If anything; I find needing somebody around an intensely uncomfortable experience. I prefer not to be emotionally dependent on any man!

Im starting to think that you shoudl (if possible) agonize less and let things flow as they will - but with the awareness that it probably won't last.

You're careful not to hurt him. You're very aware of the 'rights' and 'wrongs' (not that age on its own is a right/wrong issue, its the stuff that comes with it). You're willing to end it if that would be better for him. I think you've done all the thinking you should do. Why not enjoy your time with him, while remaining willing to let him go as/when that becomes clearly the right thing to do?