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Original poster

Feelings for a much younger man, and finding it really hard to do the 'right' thing.

111 replies

Justrestinginmyaccount · 13/07/2014 11:16

I know I'm probably going to get a very negative reaction to what I'm about to post, but I just need to get it all out as it is causing me quite a lot of distress.

I have been friends with this MUCH younger man for just over a year now. I am 35 and he is now 19 (I know, I know) Ever since I met him I have thought that he was a very special person; with the kind morals and integrity you don't find very often these days. Of course I always felt he was too young for me (which he is, clearly) so we were definitely only friends. However we started sending more time together since around Christmas, and about 4 months ago we started sleeping together.

I KNOW he is too young for me, and that I need to give him up for his own good. It is just so hard though. I have been single for 3 years (since my fiancée cut me out of his life overnight; which has been an horrifically scarring experience that I will probably never really recover from) I have met/dated men nearer to my own age since then, and it never seems to work out. They have all just seen me as a bit of fun, before they move onto some woman who is ALWAYS at least 10 years younger than me (ironic I know)

Has anyone else out there been in a similar situation, and if so what did they do? I know I need to stop seeing him, but he is one of my dearest friends and I absolutely adore him. The thought of being without him is incredibly bleak. I think I just basically need a kick up the a**e to give me the incentive to do the right thing.

I should probably add that I don't exclusively hang around with teenagers by the way. I just have quite an active social life; which means I have friends from lots of different age ranges. I am also ridiculously young at heart myself, or possibly immature to put it another way...

OP posts:
piratecat · 13/07/2014 13:11

my mum was 35 and her bloke 21.
married 30 years now.

Original poster
Justrestinginmyaccount · 13/07/2014 13:13

Ehric If I am codependent then I'm certainly not a typical one. I give to people, but I don't ask in return. People think I'm really independent and self reliant.

Perhaps I am inflicting my issues. I didn't do it with the intent to hurt him though, and I know what I have to do...

OP posts:
piratecat · 13/07/2014 13:13

depends on the people.

he was older somehow.

she is now very old. this was some years ago and both sets of parents were not keen but it's worked.

FunkyBoldRibena · 13/07/2014 13:16

When I was in my very early 20s I had a male chum who was with a 40yr old lady. He was the same age as me, so 21/22. They married and had a child together. I don't know if they are still together 25 years later but it wouldn't surprise me.

BIWI · 13/07/2014 13:25

I think you are asking for something in return, though, justresting - you are asking not to be hurt. I think, with my cod psychologist's hat on, that you have picked a boy because you don't think he will hurt you in the same way that a man will.

I'm sorry.

I was going to say, having read your OP, that there isn't an issue about the age gap if you don't want there to be, but having read the rest of your posts I think there is a real issue here, and that this relationship is dysfunctional for both of you. Sad

Waltermittythesequel · 13/07/2014 13:25

I really think the age thing is a red herring.

Age gap relationships work. They do.

However, it really doesn't sound like you just be having any sort of relationship right now Just.

I think you should see someone to concentrate on your self esteem and confidence.

I think you need to learn to be happy alone. And that means letting him go.

By the sounds of it, he too would benefit from seeing someone about his childhood and any issues he may still have.

ClashCityRocker · 13/07/2014 13:32

There's 18 years between me and DH. We got together when I was 19 and he was 37, so I don't think age gaps are necessarily an issue - to be honest, never of us felt particularly aware of the age gap (apart from the time he asked if i watched Diana and Charles wedding, and I had to point out that I wasn't born at that point!).

You sound very aware of the age gap though and not at all confidant that it isn't going to be an issue - which in itself creates an issue, ifyswim.

Are you in an exclusive relationship, or if is it more of a friends with benefits type arrangement?

Original poster
Justrestinginmyaccount · 13/07/2014 13:41

No Clash we are not in an exclusive relationship. I wouldn't ask him to be; I don't think it would be fair.

BIWI My fiancée was 7 years younger than me, and my LTR before that was 16 years older. I don't think men's ability to hurt you lessens or increases with age. It is a massive risk at any age.

Walter I hear what you are saying about building my confidence etc, but sometimes that is easier said than done. Counselling, AD's, more self help books than anybody should ever really read, and I still feel appalling. I might just get there about a week before my death at this rate...

I'm going to have to tell him I can't see him any more, and my heart is going to break. I adore him, he makes me happy and he makes this incredibly cruel world easier for me just by being there. I've never had a man (boy) see me as clearly as he does, or take as much notice of me as a person as he does. I just hope it doesn't take me another 35 years to find it again...

OP posts:
pilates · 13/07/2014 13:57

"I'm going to have to tell him I can't see him any more, and my heart is going to break"

Why?

Surely not because of the comments on here?

holeinmyheart · 13/07/2014 14:02

Near to me when I was a student was a haberdashers shop. One day I went in to get something and the usual couple weren't there and it was just the bloke. He told me that his wife of 25 years had died, I said the usual, sorry etc. A couple of months later I went in and a bunch of strangers were behind the counter. When I enquired as to what was going on they told me that there had been a 20 year gap between the woman and man, and they thought after she had died, he had died of a broken heart. Apparently they were very much in love. Their story from over forty years ago stuck in my brain. Go for it , your love life is no ones business.

Horsemad · 13/07/2014 14:06

Well I think there's something slightly sordid about th but I'd also think the same if the genders were reversed, ie 35yr old bloke with 19yr old girl.

Interestingly, you refer to him as a 'boy' - if you are in a relationship, you should both be equal to each other and you should consider him a man - unless you think of yourself as a (35yr old) 'girl' too?

higgle · 13/07/2014 14:08

I have a son who is nearly 20, I wouldn't mind if he was dating a single 35 year old ( though I'd be less enthusastic if she had children and lots of baggage) if she was a nice person with a positive outlook on life and they seemed well suited. There is no reason at all you should end this relationship, though you need to be realistic about the fact it might not last forever.

Waltermittythesequel · 13/07/2014 14:14

Your posts make me really said for you, Just.

You sound desperately unhappy.

If you're training as a counsellor you surely know that one size doesn't fit all. Would you try again with someone different?

In the meantime, whilst I do genuinely believe you're not in the right place for a relationship, if you keep it casual and he makes you happy then why not continue?!

Waltermittythesequel · 13/07/2014 14:14

But you really must stop seeing him as a child for you to spoil. That's not healthy for either of you.

If you cannot see him as an equal then, yes, you need to end things.

ThisIsSylviaDaisyPouncer · 13/07/2014 14:27

You need to apply dan savage's campsite rule for age gap relationships OP. Leave it (him) in a better condition than you found it. If you strive to do that with all your heart you can't go wrong, whether you are with him or apart.

butterflygardens · 13/07/2014 16:01

I don't know if this will give you any hope but I was 19 when I met my now partner who was 39. We got together when I was twenty and it will be our 8th year anniversary next week and we live together Stuff what anyone else thinks. It can work if you both want it. He too felt like you and felt like I was going to leave him, but I was in love and still am and he is the most amazing man ever. He gives me all I need and more. I hope you find your happy ever after too xxxx

Philoslothy · 13/07/2014 16:15

I would never say anyone is a man at 19, and yet you are in a romantic and possibly sexual relationship with someone you do not consider an adult.

If this was a man posting about his relationship with a girl we would be concerned.

ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA · 13/07/2014 17:12

My sister is around 25 recently got with someone in his 40's my dh couldnt understand it but i feel myself that if you have that special connection thats the most important thing x

Preciousbane · 13/07/2014 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IrianofWay · 13/07/2014 19:17

Can I be totally honest? I have a 17 yr old and I think that if I discovered in 2 yrs time he was in a relationship with a woman of 35 I might be secretly quite releived. Teenagers seem to be so volatile maybe a brief relationship with an older person might ground him. But yes it can only see it being short-term- as long as you both acceptable that....no harm done.

I thought you were going to say one or other of you were committed elsewhere...

guitarosauras · 13/07/2014 19:33

If you were male and he was female they'd be outrage.

I had a relationship with a man 22 years older than me and a relationship with a man 12 years older. both long term relationships but looking back age did get in the way.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 13/07/2014 19:50

I am totally donning my cod-psychology hat here, but here goes.

Until you deal with the hurt from your previous relationship you'll never be able to move on. You are having an entirely 'safe' relationship with a (young) man you perceive to be no threat to your serenity. You can't fall for him fully - too young. You can't commit/have children with him - too young. You basically are running the relationship on your terms - much as you like him you are not fully emotionally available to him. You prefer to nurse your hurt than to work though it and fully move on, which may mean taking a chance and allowing this relationship to develop fully - with all the risks that entails - or may mean meeting someone else.

It seems to me that you are essentially playing at this relationship. You aren't ready to commit and the age difference gives you the perfect cover for that fact.

Now you said you aren't exclusive, so it may well be that you aren't actively doing your bf any harm. But if you do really want DCs in your future, marking time isn't the best option for you.

Itsfab · 13/07/2014 19:57

When I was 19 I went out with a 35 year old. We lived together and were engaged.

His mates were all how did you get her? You've done well for yourself Hmm and my friends were all mature about it.

I didn't leave him because of the age gap.

heyday · 13/07/2014 20:04

If you are both single then why not just go for it. You both sound happy together so just enjoy that happiness.
It may not last a life time, but who knows, it might.
If you have to face heartbreak down the line then you will just have to deal with like any other person in any sort of relationship. That's a chance you have to take in any relationship.
I wish you both every happiness together.

Beautifulmonster · 13/07/2014 20:11

If you are not in an exclusive relationship then it's a friends with benefits type arrangement? But you seem too attached for that. Along with your instinct to look after him, I think you should be careful you don't get hurt. The age gap isn't that relevant really.