I totally dislike my daughter (long and ranty)

[ohthatsokthen]

DD now 21. Backstory she has been problematic since 13. Started with truancy, smoking etc. Then absconded from school and was found unconscious on the school field with an empty bottle of vodka. We then discovered she was bulimic and self harming. Many trips to the Drs later we were referred to PCAHMS for counselling. There are no known issues in our family, me and her dad still together, he has been a fantastic dad and we have both tried our best to support and encourage her. In her words "you are epic parents and I had a lovely childhood, I don't know why I do these things". Signed off from PCAHMS as deemed "helped". Over the next few years she went to college and got a part time job. She was then sent home from work as she was drunk, this continued and escalated until she was drinking all day and being abusive. I met with her work who offered to help - her words "all teenagers drink", took her to the drs "my mum is imagining it all, I am fine". To cut a long story short, the drinking escalated and she became threatening and violent and I snapped (probably not the best thing to do) and threw her out. We had a number of police visits due to threats and her trying to kick the door in. Police told me I was a victim of dv. She found a room, we paid the rent and deposit for 6 months. She got thrown out from that room because she kicked off and started smashing the place up. At this point I cut contact as she was making me ill with the stress. She moved in with her boyfriend, and his junkie father and moved onto drugs (speed, crack), got raped by her drug dealer. I can't even talk about that. She moved into a nice room, to get away and we paid the deposit. All this time still drinking but miraculously because of her manager she clung on to her job. She was then given notice on her room as the ll was getting married so she went off on a rare one and her threw her out that night. In desperation, the next day I found her a bedsit albeit in a halfway house type place, paid the deposit and the rent. She is still there. 5 months ago she quit drinking, we were so proud of her. I told her that she needed to get help as she obviously has issues (she says she wants to feel incredible all the time and can't bear the mundane day to day life). It transpires that although she isn't drinking the drug use has escalated, to the point she owes dealers. She came round last night and was vile, screaming and shouting at me. Told me all of this was her fault, she hated her life, we should take her back home and she would stop. I forced her to take the bedsit, if I hadn't she wouldn't be doing drugs. She hates her job, nobody has offered her a promotion and she's been there 3 years. I was very calm and told her, nobody had done this to her but herself and I wasn't going to discuss it anymore as she never listened (we asked her to attend Narcotics anonymous and the drs - she won't because they tell her things she doesn't want to hear). She was hateful, vicious and mean. I have got to the point where I totally dislike her and my husband says he despises her and can't be in her company. Sometimes I wish she was dead so that we didn't have to live like this and she wasn't suffering anymore. dh retires next year and we are going to sell up and move away (plan was to buy a house with annexe for dd if she got clean but that is never going to happen). All we wanted for her was to be happy, and either do uni/travel/or a job she liked. Whilst we are not perfect parents (who is) we have always encouraged and supported her and tried to do what we think is best. I am now at the point where I think - I've done everything I can, you are an adult and its up to you. I think this stems from growing up with both parents as alcoholics. I know she is a tortured soul but I can't help someone who refuses to take responsibility and help herself. Sorry for the essay, rant over - just wanted to get it off my chest!!! Thanks if you managed to read to the end

BTW I am still her just sitting back watching some of you psychoanalyse me and my "issues" from a few typed posts. Good job I am resilient, some of your comments could do real harm to a more vulnerable person. Bruins and other similar posters thanks for getting it.

Great post Springy

My overriding concern is 'why did the OP post in the first place?'

Was it a cathartic move- to set out her decision on a public forum , to make it 'real' to herself and also to get some validation for her actions?

What came across to me was that she wasn't budging an inch when people suggested other courses of action with professional help.
This to me suggested a certain arrogance- the same as believing that Al Anon and counselling don't have anything to offer her.

Take away all the detail and what you have is a woman who cut all contact with her alcoholic parents and is now about to effectively cut contact with her alcoholic daughter, who is still a child ( psychologists say that adolescence now ends at 25.)

To ignore the need for personal professional help to unravel this is insane in my opinion because you don't actually solve any problem by walking away from it- you just create new circumstances where new problems will appear.

OP I do get your utter and complete exhaustion ( don't assume we are all coming to this thread having had easy parenting experiences) but you do have a lifelong responsibility towards the person you and your DH brought onto this earth.

She is not an adult emotionally, even if she has reached 21.

I hope you are still reading though suspect you aren't because you don't like anyone telling you you aren't right- hence your reluctance to use support groups etc. where you might learn something.

I am being judgy and sorry if that's not acceptable, but I don't think the right move is to run for the hills and abandon your DD.

If this was dh you would all be saying LTB
That's the whole point.

This is a child you created.
She is still a child.

You can divorce your DH.

You cannot divorce flesh and blood.

You can try to walk away- literally- but you cannot escape the fall out.

Its a simple equation. Ignore the different issues. Person A has problems, help/support is offered by person B (repeatedly). Person A not only rejects all help offered but is violent and aggressive to person B. Multiply this over 8 years. Person B walks away.

x-ed posts.

OP- WHY did you start this thread?

Did you want everyone to say 'well done. Great move'

One thing that comes over is- and I'm sorry to say this- your arrogance.

Maybe living with your DD all this time does that - but you are completely and openly closed to anything that might change your self awareness- you see her as the problem but you don't for a minute seem to recognise that you may have contributed to it and still are.

walks away does not have to be literally.

It could be withdrawing the wrong kind of support and putting in place the right support.

But you are not open to seeking professional help, you think you know it all.

You sound controlling but detached as well.

Has it never ever crossed your mind that YOU may be one of the factors in your DDs demise?

A lifelong responsibilty?? She is an adult, i would expect a lifelong relationship but not responsibilty, she is her own person. My god that is plain weird.

pink pm me so i can get your address and i will put her on a train to you. You can then help her. I will give you 3 weeks and you will have had enough.

I am so sorry to read this OP.
I too think you have already done enough, and need to take a step back, and look after yourself.

Maybe it's you that is weird.

Christ, you come over as hard.

I didn't know there was a cut-off point on the calendar to disown a child.

A child is a child for life. You say you have had this for 8 years. I sympathise yes- as I said my own DCs were not easy, for reasons different to yours, but not easy for many years.

what about parents with disabled children who need hands on care till the child is in their 40s? Do they cut and run when they are 21?

She is NOT an adult- have you not read all the recent stuff about how childhood now ends at 25 in terms of emotional development? have you not read about the science behind this and brain development? I have.

That more people aged 21-25 are needing psychological and psychiatric support than ever? That just because the law says they are adults does not mean they are emotionally.

And throughout all of our recent exchange you constantly refuse to look at your own behaviour and even begin to think that it may have contributed to the behaviour of this poor girl.

We have involved professional help, Cahms, daat, harm minimisation, counselling, medical appointments over 8 bastard years. Which part of we have been through all the agencies and support networks and reached the end of line. To make it simple for some of you. Person A breaks leg. Person B takes A to hospital, A refuses a cast. A tells B leg is hurting, B takes to another hospital A again refuses treatment. Repeatcycle over 8 years. A's leg finally falls off, B is out of the picture. Various peple then rally on B for not helping A.

she doesn't need me OP- she needs her mother and her father- who appears to also have opted out of this.

She needs love and not money. you have thrown money at the situation but now you have run out of love.

You refuse to look at your own behaviour and the legacy you carry around of your own parents' drinking.

More fool you.

A disabled child is a completely different matter. That. Is. Not. Self. Inflicted.

pink read the posts. Help has been sought.

Clearly we have opposing views. Hope you are never put in this situation. Must be nice to be able to judge from a position of comfort.

Pinkfrocks. What a nasty post. . Have you no compassion.
The OP comes on MN for support and you gleefully tell her that perhaps she is responsible for her daughters 'demise' . What sanctimonious crap.

OP. I would hide this thread.

...and this is exactly why MN needs a hide poster function.

Sarcasm really?

queen thanks. Interestingly pink didnt take me up on the offer, apparently dd needs her crap and heartless parents.

You have never answered why you posted here.

When it comes to opening up about you, and how you may just be wrong, you ignore.

It's all DDs fault.

Fine- have it your way.

Compassion but not a room seemingly.

If you've learned one thing from this thread OP it's that people who don't know what you've gone through will judge you over this.

I think one reason for some of the harsh responses is that you've touched on a primal fear. What happens if my DS/DD falls into a spiral of self-destruction and it becomes beyond my ability to cope? To deal with this, some people reassure themselves that with endless patience and persistence their love will win out in the end. In this way, they reassure themselves that the situation you're now in simply will not happen to them.

PinkFrocks. Seriously, you need to go away. You are coming across a totally heartless and as a really unpleasant person.

I'm not surprised your DD has issues. You never listen- it's clear from your responses here . You talk, you are sarcastic ( take her in for 3 weeks - ha ha- oh go on, now tell me it wasn't a joke or sarcasm).

You are unwilling to even start to think that your behaviour and legacy might have contributed to any of this.

Why? Because you know there may be some truth there and it's easier to make it all DDs fault.

I'm off now- but you ought to read and keep reading springydaffs post.