I totally dislike my daughter (long and ranty)

[ohthatsokthen]

DD now 21. Backstory she has been problematic since 13. Started with truancy, smoking etc. Then absconded from school and was found unconscious on the school field with an empty bottle of vodka. We then discovered she was bulimic and self harming. Many trips to the Drs later we were referred to PCAHMS for counselling. There are no known issues in our family, me and her dad still together, he has been a fantastic dad and we have both tried our best to support and encourage her. In her words "you are epic parents and I had a lovely childhood, I don't know why I do these things". Signed off from PCAHMS as deemed "helped". Over the next few years she went to college and got a part time job. She was then sent home from work as she was drunk, this continued and escalated until she was drinking all day and being abusive. I met with her work who offered to help - her words "all teenagers drink", took her to the drs "my mum is imagining it all, I am fine". To cut a long story short, the drinking escalated and she became threatening and violent and I snapped (probably not the best thing to do) and threw her out. We had a number of police visits due to threats and her trying to kick the door in. Police told me I was a victim of dv. She found a room, we paid the rent and deposit for 6 months. She got thrown out from that room because she kicked off and started smashing the place up. At this point I cut contact as she was making me ill with the stress. She moved in with her boyfriend, and his junkie father and moved onto drugs (speed, crack), got raped by her drug dealer. I can't even talk about that. She moved into a nice room, to get away and we paid the deposit. All this time still drinking but miraculously because of her manager she clung on to her job. She was then given notice on her room as the ll was getting married so she went off on a rare one and her threw her out that night. In desperation, the next day I found her a bedsit albeit in a halfway house type place, paid the deposit and the rent. She is still there. 5 months ago she quit drinking, we were so proud of her. I told her that she needed to get help as she obviously has issues (she says she wants to feel incredible all the time and can't bear the mundane day to day life). It transpires that although she isn't drinking the drug use has escalated, to the point she owes dealers. She came round last night and was vile, screaming and shouting at me. Told me all of this was her fault, she hated her life, we should take her back home and she would stop. I forced her to take the bedsit, if I hadn't she wouldn't be doing drugs. She hates her job, nobody has offered her a promotion and she's been there 3 years. I was very calm and told her, nobody had done this to her but herself and I wasn't going to discuss it anymore as she never listened (we asked her to attend Narcotics anonymous and the drs - she won't because they tell her things she doesn't want to hear). She was hateful, vicious and mean. I have got to the point where I totally dislike her and my husband says he despises her and can't be in her company. Sometimes I wish she was dead so that we didn't have to live like this and she wasn't suffering anymore. dh retires next year and we are going to sell up and move away (plan was to buy a house with annexe for dd if she got clean but that is never going to happen). All we wanted for her was to be happy, and either do uni/travel/or a job she liked. Whilst we are not perfect parents (who is) we have always encouraged and supported her and tried to do what we think is best. I am now at the point where I think - I've done everything I can, you are an adult and its up to you. I think this stems from growing up with both parents as alcoholics. I know she is a tortured soul but I can't help someone who refuses to take responsibility and help herself. Sorry for the essay, rant over - just wanted to get it off my chest!!! Thanks if you managed to read to the end

She attended harm minimisation for some time, has had an addiction counsellor. I am convinced she is bipolar and even said this to the dr but they would not make a diagnosis until she was clean for 3 months and taking the prescription ADs. She wasn't clean and said the ADs weren't strong enough so supplemented them with speed. She is waiting for a referral to a residential detox but they said it could be a long wait and she has to pass an assessment to see if she really wants to be clean.

My dd is 7 and has regularly threatened to kill me and chop my head off. She's loads better now because I had a diagnosis so was able to intervene and deal calmly with that kind of threat rather than be shocked by it.

She's only 21, there's still time with the right support and therapy. Even her knowing why she thinks the way she does would come as a huge relief to her (and to you) to know she's not alone. Can you suggest pursuing a diagnosis to her? Would she be receptive to that?

Would she read any material or articles about autism in girls and women if you gave them to her?

back she was a lovely little girl, really sweet and loved animals and painting. It was like she became possessed by a demon at 13. She has always had a good relationship with us, to the extent of telling me things that I would rather not have known - she has always been very open. In her teens she fell out with friends they deemed her selfish and a bit self absorbed, she tends to use people. She offloads onto them and is never prepared to return the favour.

She sounds very like my dd right down to the animals and painting . I have to say even with awareness I am dreading the teenage years. I feel for you I really do, you really do sound at the end of your rope

Nicki I will try again when I am in a better place. We have read stuff together online and I have showed her the symptoms of bipolar - she agrees she might be. I have tried to paint her a picture of how her life could be if she had help. When she is sober/not high we have spent time together and she says she wishes it could be like this all the time, and then next time I see her she is aggressive and nasty. I am so pleased you have a diagnosis for your dd. I am calm, used to the threats because of my parents (it was a very violent household). My dh says I should be a hostage negotiator - when she leaves he says I don't know how you manage that on a regular basis.

Oh dear, I'm an idiot, reading too fast and not reading properly. Apologies.
Agree about the genetic predisposition to addiction.
Maybe the assessment to see how much she wants to be clean will be the decider for you all.

I think you've done enough. There would always be one more time, one other possible diagnosis, one other new treatment programme.

Unless your dd is willing to engage with services, it doesn't matter if she's bipolar/aspergers/schizoaffective. I get what you're saying about being in a limbo, your daughter is gone but you can't grieve for your loss.

I think its time you guys start looking after yourselves.

aaawww nicki . I am, but mainly because the end is in sight, just another year. Best case scenario she is clean and moves with us (but lives independently in the annexe), worst case we go and have some peace in our lives. Either will be a win win for us but not necessarily for her.

I wouldn't underestimate the power of just talking about your childhood experiences OP. And apart from that, I think you could probably do with a bit of professional input to help you deal with your feelings right now; you can't control your DD's behaviour but you can control your responses to it and if you are open to it, counselling can help you and may enable you to either help your DD or at least protect yourself from the impact of her behaviour. However, it's only useful if you are open to it.

I believe there are many links between puberty and the onset of psychosis. I would urgently pursue residential detox/treatment. Has she ever been sectioned?

She needs proper help, not from camhs I'm sorry but Imho they can be a waste of time if you don't get a great therapist. Like somebody else said she needs to want help for it to work. I'm sure she does want help as she's using the drink/drugs as her 'help' are there any local women's support groups to help coax her into the right way of thinking? Good luck OP you are doing a great job supporting her, don't forget you will need support yourself

D you think it's possible something happened at 13?

more I tend to agree - I did say to her the last time we took her to various assessments that it was the last chance saloon. She needs to hit rock bottom, but when she gets thrown out this time I can't face her coming round again and trying to kick the door in, it won't stand another attack.

Do you have a 'Phoenix futures' in your area? Or similar? Google it they are really good

Thank you - you are all so lovely to take the time to reply. I wondered if something happened at 13, I have asked her if something happened that she can't talk about, she says no. I am convinced it is a mental health problem.

There won't always be "one more diagnosis" more it's not like many possible issues have been addressed and discounted. For whatever reason this young woman's issues have not been recognised and addressed and this is the outcome. I agree though that OP has done all she can and what more can be done if her dd won't engage?

Horribly sad for all concerned.

Fuck -you poor thing :( has your daughter had any form of psychiatric assessment? Is she bi-polar? She is putting herself in danger so this could be enough to get the drs to intervene.

You said up thread that you are not the counselling type and prefer to just get on with things. I think that counselling would help you to do just that. Given a good counsellor who will help you deal with your anger and fears.

I can understand your feelings of dislike but you clearly still love your dd. She is an Adult and you can only offer support but you have to step back. For your own sanity.

I despaired of my dd for quite a while. She made wrong choices and I think its by the grace of god that she met a decent chap and settled down. She is 24 now and doing ok but I still worry. I mostly switch off. Its hard :(

Lem has a point please try some counselling. The Counselling directory online is a good place to start finding a therapist. Lots will give you a free consult, if you or dd don't feel right with them try another

You poor thing, how incredibly difficult. If you have put her in touch with services, taken to assessments, and she is getting thrown out of residential places, then to be honest you have done all you can. I think the new mantra is to only help those who want to get better and engage- rather than let people stay for years abusing (off premises) they are moving towards freeing up those places for those who actively want to change at this time point. Those who won't or don't engage are removed- left on the streets or to go into temporary hostels.

I don't see what else you could do and to be honest, I wouldn't build an annex and put your dd in it until she had been clean and treated for mh problems, if ever. Otherwise this nightmare is going to be revisited to your own door for decades to come, and not help her anyway.

What do you mean, you're not the counselling type? That's like saying you're not the osteopath type - if you had a bad back you would be, there isn't a 'type'.

I am a grandchild of alcoholics, both sides, and I assure you, alcoholism/addiction travels in more ways than the obvious. My parents thought I had a wonderful childhood and that our eye-wateringly dysfunctional family is spoilt by me, the alloted scapegoat for the family's rabid dysfunction.

I'm not rubbing it in, I appreciate things are extremely tough for you all and my heart goes out to you. I am though astonished that you haven't addressed something so obvious because you're not 'the type'. There isn't a type! Aside from inherited physiological factors there is a lot more that pumps through the family line. Perhaps she's ended up carrying your load, which you have refused to address?

She is not her disease/disorder/whatever, though I appreciate that is all very well to say. Perhaps you aren't 'the type' to have a child like this? I'm sorry if that sounds bitchy, it is not meant to be bitchy; this is a dire situation. Have you all had family therapy anywhere along the line?

I am NOT blaming you, it must be hell, absolutely heartbreaking, I do appreciate that. i have also in the past thought that an awful, terrible time didn't need to be revisited; it was bad enough at the time, I didn't need to go there again, what would be the point? I was wrong - some damage is alive and functioning until it is properly addressed.

Have you heard if DrugFam? They are a charity that helps families of addicts and are fantastic. It might help to talk to other parents who are in a similar situation.

springy I don't want to drag it all back up, I don't have a load that I am carrying I am a very positive, happy person who is just pissed off with all the drama. The problem is not with me it is with our dd who has undiagnosed mental health issues. I don't think there is any type of family that this is attached to, its just something that can happen to people. She is not her disease true, but she also isn't our daughter anymore - she has been populated by some sort of demon. Me talking about something that happened 40 years ago isn't going to change her future iyswim

If I was you I would cut her off from your life completely. I would not give her a mobile number only an email address. Unfortunately the way I see it is each time you bail her out you are allowing her to continue the behaviour that is very destructive to both you and her.

Just let her go. Give her the email address. No more contact until she gets help.

You won't have deserted her. You'll still be there but not available to be abused in any way, shape or form. Your on a merry go round. Best to step off it.

This is a parents worst nightmare and my heart goes out to you but now you must think with your head. Good luck

We have booked an appointment with the Dr and are going to see if we can get her sectioned, this is our final intervention attempt. If that fails I have suggested we sell up now and emigrate to Thailand!