I totally dislike my daughter (long and ranty)

[ohthatsokthen]

DD now 21. Backstory she has been problematic since 13. Started with truancy, smoking etc. Then absconded from school and was found unconscious on the school field with an empty bottle of vodka. We then discovered she was bulimic and self harming. Many trips to the Drs later we were referred to PCAHMS for counselling. There are no known issues in our family, me and her dad still together, he has been a fantastic dad and we have both tried our best to support and encourage her. In her words "you are epic parents and I had a lovely childhood, I don't know why I do these things". Signed off from PCAHMS as deemed "helped". Over the next few years she went to college and got a part time job. She was then sent home from work as she was drunk, this continued and escalated until she was drinking all day and being abusive. I met with her work who offered to help - her words "all teenagers drink", took her to the drs "my mum is imagining it all, I am fine". To cut a long story short, the drinking escalated and she became threatening and violent and I snapped (probably not the best thing to do) and threw her out. We had a number of police visits due to threats and her trying to kick the door in. Police told me I was a victim of dv. She found a room, we paid the rent and deposit for 6 months. She got thrown out from that room because she kicked off and started smashing the place up. At this point I cut contact as she was making me ill with the stress. She moved in with her boyfriend, and his junkie father and moved onto drugs (speed, crack), got raped by her drug dealer. I can't even talk about that. She moved into a nice room, to get away and we paid the deposit. All this time still drinking but miraculously because of her manager she clung on to her job. She was then given notice on her room as the ll was getting married so she went off on a rare one and her threw her out that night. In desperation, the next day I found her a bedsit albeit in a halfway house type place, paid the deposit and the rent. She is still there. 5 months ago she quit drinking, we were so proud of her. I told her that she needed to get help as she obviously has issues (she says she wants to feel incredible all the time and can't bear the mundane day to day life). It transpires that although she isn't drinking the drug use has escalated, to the point she owes dealers. She came round last night and was vile, screaming and shouting at me. Told me all of this was her fault, she hated her life, we should take her back home and she would stop. I forced her to take the bedsit, if I hadn't she wouldn't be doing drugs. She hates her job, nobody has offered her a promotion and she's been there 3 years. I was very calm and told her, nobody had done this to her but herself and I wasn't going to discuss it anymore as she never listened (we asked her to attend Narcotics anonymous and the drs - she won't because they tell her things she doesn't want to hear). She was hateful, vicious and mean. I have got to the point where I totally dislike her and my husband says he despises her and can't be in her company. Sometimes I wish she was dead so that we didn't have to live like this and she wasn't suffering anymore. dh retires next year and we are going to sell up and move away (plan was to buy a house with annexe for dd if she got clean but that is never going to happen). All we wanted for her was to be happy, and either do uni/travel/or a job she liked. Whilst we are not perfect parents (who is) we have always encouraged and supported her and tried to do what we think is best. I am now at the point where I think - I've done everything I can, you are an adult and its up to you. I think this stems from growing up with both parents as alcoholics. I know she is a tortured soul but I can't help someone who refuses to take responsibility and help herself. Sorry for the essay, rant over - just wanted to get it off my chest!!! Thanks if you managed to read to the end

Hi, Glad at least DD went to the doctors and she had a nice day with you. She might think hmm, being clean is not a bad thing (hopefully!)

My son, does one week on, 3 weeks off, that sounds ridiculous does it not, but its just the way it is, and I KNOW within that 3 weeks, the tiny thought does cross his mind, why am I doing this???? I know it does, because when he takes a hit again, he stays in his room, basically with his 'shame' I say to him come on DS. you've done 2 weeks, lets try for a 3rd, and my god he does try.............................................There was a comment on the PG thread that made me so ANGRY about families not trying hard enough. Note I said Lets try, that is LET US try. I could have punched the screen, anyway, I digress..

So, as I thought DD has to be clean to access help? I thought you might bump into this brick wall, as it was the same with us.

They say they can't get to a problem if it is being shielded/masked by drugs. So, which shall DD address first?? She has my sympathy actually.
It is a hard decision to make, especially as she has a BF doing the same thing at the same time.... can she stand by and watch him do his thing, while she doesn't - very hard for her.

Black humour gets me through too OP. here's another little ditty,
DS had a meeting with his psychiatrist arranged, he HAD to be clean at these meetings so that she could 'access the real person'
The smartarse that he is, said, 'just to prove that these people have no idea what they are talking about', he went as high as a kite.

She said to me after ' what a truly pleasant 2 hours she had spent with such a lovely boy, gifted with humour, intelligence, sharp wit, empathy, she really felt that they were making progress regarding his MH issues.

No dear, No.

keep in touch, am with you all the way!

I know very little about addiction , so slap me if you have tried this a million times, but picking up on something you said earlier, that she often seems younger than she is, do you think she would respond if you told her that YOU want her to stop? From some of the stuff you've written she almost seems not to want to lose face by stopping of her own choice - but how would she react if you said it's what you wanted? Is she looking for boundaries and needs someone else to take control of her life? At least in the short term?

An addict will tell family what they want to hear, they are extremely plausible and because we love them and want to help, we believe them.

The only people who can help an addict is someone with experience of addiction.

Addicts are always planning their next hit/drink and if we play along with their 'plans and we join in 'the game' we are not helping but enabling.

Thanks for the update, OP. Reading between the lines, I wonder if your daughter is scared of stopping using drugs...scared of having to cope with all the thoughts and feelings she has masked with the drugs, scared of having to forge a new life and identity for herself. This can be really intimidating, particularly when the addiction has led them to have low self esteem about themselves (which often happens in addiction).

I wonder whether some counselling would help - not to try to get her to stop, but a space where she can explore her feelings about using drugs and the possibility of life without. This could be the first step in her feeling more confident to give it a go. Might she consider accessing counselling, OP, if it was presented to her as a "this is something that anyone finds useful when they are trying to make sense of their lives" thing?

I never do this but I am skipping to the end as I need to go to bed but I felt compelled to write something.

My sister is 25 and she doesn't drink or take drugs but she partakes in other behaviours that have kind of torn my family apart. It's awful. I can't even begin to give a back story as it would take forever, but last night she called me crying after disowning me and my mum for a new boyfriend and the mess she was in was hideous. I did pick her up after saying I wasn't going down this route again. I couldn't not.

We got her to a hostel and we fully expect that she will disown us again at some point.

I am not a mum of a child with problems but I have seen what it has done to our mum and it has been awful. She has took a massive step back and no longer bails her out. My sister has no diagnosis after years and years of seeing professionals.

All this to say.. I have learnt that you just can't help some people until they take responsibility for themselves. I have had people ask me why we don't do more!! If we could do more we would have done. Now it is time that we protect ourselves. My mum can't go on at the age of 60 being drawn in to the lies and drama and heartbreak. She has done it for 15 years and for her sanity she has had to step back.

If she ever comes to us and asks for help we will be there with bells on, but until then we have been burnt too many times and we know that until she wants to make steps to help herself our hands are well and truly tied.

Much love to you OP.

Read a few more.

Some on here have never obviously experience someone acting this way for 8 years.

Please don't judge the OP. You don't know what this stuff does to you and sometimes for your own sanity how you have to emotionally dis-connect.

Lots of judging from people with no fucking clue.

disconnect

Typos galore.

Hi - Igotaway that is a classic... Yes do keep in touch we can share our "funny" stories.

I won't slap you Ziggy as you mean well, but yes eight years ago we asked her to stop, we asked up until the point she was thrown out for attacking me in a drunken rage. She doesn't want to stop.

Selks you have hit the nail on the head - she is afraid to stop as she will have to face reality. I know she has an undiagnosed MH problem which has led her down this path.

U2 bless you for your post - I ignore the judgy posts as I know me and dh have put up with an unbearable situation for 8 years and tried and continue to try and help, but she knows that next year is the cut off and we will disengage.

On a really positive note - dh had a call from the Dr today, she is getting a psychiatric referral on the proviso she registers with a dr in her town (he apologised and said he could not treat her as she no longer lives in our town). They are going to set this up so maybe there is a bit of hope. Just have to get her to the meeting now .

I was your daughter.

The best thing my parents ever did was cut me out of their life. I eventually grew up and now I have a very lovely stable family of my own and I'm the best of friends with my parents now.

I hope this happens for all of you too, best of luck with the meeting. I hope she goes.

icecream - thats so encouraging. Glad you turned things around x

Sometimes I think a child needs a massive, massive shock to enable them to think ... Fuck, what have I done? Mine was to get pregnant with a man I had known a matter of weeks. Thankfully, he literally saved my life and he's just wonderful.

I really hope you and your daughter work this out. She doesn't hate you I promise, I bet all she wants deep down is her mummy to cuddle her. You will both be fine. I really hope she makes this appointment. I wish I could sit down with kids like this and tell them life doesn't have to be this way.

An update for those who were so supportive. DD had a referral from the dr's appt last week. The dr was fantastic, he phoned me yesterday to check we knew she had an appointment. He got her to see a Dr at the adult mental health unit. Dh took her and she had a full assessment. The verdict, she is not an addict but has borderline personality disorder. We have a name for it!!! . Its taken 8 bloody years but she is going to have psychotherapy to help her. Its like a huge step forward, we are not out of the woods yet but hopefully will help her to be on the road to recovery. to the posters in a similar situation to me, hope things get better for you xx

Thanks for the update, that's very positive. Good to hear that you've had an understanding GP and that your daughter has engaged.
A diagnosis is a starting point to understanding the problem. So what might happen next do you think? How does your daughter feel about things right now?

Oh didn't spot the psychotherapy bit. That's great that that is being offered. How does your daughter feel about it?
I guess the thing now will be for her to prioritise the appointments and make sure she doesn't miss them.
How is her drug use and associated issues currently?

Delurking to say that you are not alone - you might find this thread of some help, though it has gone a bit quiet for the time being. There are a couple of really useful books recommended there - Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder and another called Stop Walking on Eggshells have both especially helped me.

It's good to know that someone has finally offered the help your DD needs; I do hope she will engage with it and start to see some change.

Brilliant news thatsokthen, it certainly is a massive step in the right direction that she has agreed to therapy.

I second the book recommendation (Stop Walking on Eggshells) and also one of the authors of that book has a newer book, aimed at family members of BPD diagnosed. The same author (Randi Kruger ??) has very many internet articles on BPD that you should be able to find easily with google, it's been a while since I read them, but they were helpful.

All the best to the three of you.

And indeed thanks for the update.

Glad to hear about the progress OP. There's a recent form of psychotherapy called Dialectical Behaviour Therapy that's supposed to have had good results for those with BPD. I'm not sure if that's the treatment your daughter will be receiving, but I thought I'd mention just in case- it was initially developed by Marsha Linehan specifically for people with BPD.

Thanks everyone xx She is worried about the treatment path and scared of facing her emotions but deep down knows its the right thing to do. Just having a name for it has made the whole situation so much easier to deal with.