I totally dislike my daughter (long and ranty)

[ohthatsokthen]

DD now 21. Backstory she has been problematic since 13. Started with truancy, smoking etc. Then absconded from school and was found unconscious on the school field with an empty bottle of vodka. We then discovered she was bulimic and self harming. Many trips to the Drs later we were referred to PCAHMS for counselling. There are no known issues in our family, me and her dad still together, he has been a fantastic dad and we have both tried our best to support and encourage her. In her words "you are epic parents and I had a lovely childhood, I don't know why I do these things". Signed off from PCAHMS as deemed "helped". Over the next few years she went to college and got a part time job. She was then sent home from work as she was drunk, this continued and escalated until she was drinking all day and being abusive. I met with her work who offered to help - her words "all teenagers drink", took her to the drs "my mum is imagining it all, I am fine". To cut a long story short, the drinking escalated and she became threatening and violent and I snapped (probably not the best thing to do) and threw her out. We had a number of police visits due to threats and her trying to kick the door in. Police told me I was a victim of dv. She found a room, we paid the rent and deposit for 6 months. She got thrown out from that room because she kicked off and started smashing the place up. At this point I cut contact as she was making me ill with the stress. She moved in with her boyfriend, and his junkie father and moved onto drugs (speed, crack), got raped by her drug dealer. I can't even talk about that. She moved into a nice room, to get away and we paid the deposit. All this time still drinking but miraculously because of her manager she clung on to her job. She was then given notice on her room as the ll was getting married so she went off on a rare one and her threw her out that night. In desperation, the next day I found her a bedsit albeit in a halfway house type place, paid the deposit and the rent. She is still there. 5 months ago she quit drinking, we were so proud of her. I told her that she needed to get help as she obviously has issues (she says she wants to feel incredible all the time and can't bear the mundane day to day life). It transpires that although she isn't drinking the drug use has escalated, to the point she owes dealers. She came round last night and was vile, screaming and shouting at me. Told me all of this was her fault, she hated her life, we should take her back home and she would stop. I forced her to take the bedsit, if I hadn't she wouldn't be doing drugs. She hates her job, nobody has offered her a promotion and she's been there 3 years. I was very calm and told her, nobody had done this to her but herself and I wasn't going to discuss it anymore as she never listened (we asked her to attend Narcotics anonymous and the drs - she won't because they tell her things she doesn't want to hear). She was hateful, vicious and mean. I have got to the point where I totally dislike her and my husband says he despises her and can't be in her company. Sometimes I wish she was dead so that we didn't have to live like this and she wasn't suffering anymore. dh retires next year and we are going to sell up and move away (plan was to buy a house with annexe for dd if she got clean but that is never going to happen). All we wanted for her was to be happy, and either do uni/travel/or a job she liked. Whilst we are not perfect parents (who is) we have always encouraged and supported her and tried to do what we think is best. I am now at the point where I think - I've done everything I can, you are an adult and its up to you. I think this stems from growing up with both parents as alcoholics. I know she is a tortured soul but I can't help someone who refuses to take responsibility and help herself. Sorry for the essay, rant over - just wanted to get it off my chest!!! Thanks if you managed to read to the end

It was our problem when it first started, but it is her problem now. Mainly because she doesn't live with us anymore and rejected every offer of help that we gave her. I did have compassion for her at the start but after 8 years that has been exhausted, and I have to put mine and my husbands well being first. He is 64 and I don't want him spending the last years of his life being miserable.

it is her problem now. You are completely entitled to say no more. You wouldn't be the first or the last.
If youre here asking if its ok to do this, i dont think many people would blame you really, but i hope your daughter manages to fight her demons and be happy again one day.

Hi OP
I haven't read all the pages- got as far as page 3- but wondered if YOU had been to any support groups for addicts- drugs or alcohol?

I once worked- professionally- with someone whose DH went back to drugs and she went for support. The advice was 'hands off' and that she was helpless to do anything unless he wanted to stop.

These support groups are as much for the families of addicts as they are for addicts themselves.

You have done more than many parents would. It might be said that you have offered one safety net too many; whenever your DD comes up against something you have stepped in with money to put a roof over her head. I don't know if professional drugs/ alcohol counsellors and experts would advise this- I really don't know - but I do know there is an element of enabling behaviour by being too kind/ generous.

I cannot see how you can ask for your DD to be sectioned just because you want this. That would mean she'd go into psychiatric care.

Again, forgive me if I've missed this but instead of paying for rent etc for her could that money be used now for residential detox- such as the Priory and other well known clinics?

I think you need support and advice on what to do for the best.

Hi Pink - tried al-anon but not right for us. Yes I would agree that we have stepped in and stopped her from reaching rock bottom. We are just doing damage limitation until we can move at the moment. I would like her sectioned so she could have a full MH assessment as this is what she needs. Yes we would pay for detox but she has to want it. I truly believe if the MH issues could be identified she might then see that it was worth fighting the addiction. Well done for getting to page 3!

branleuse thank you

Have you tried ADFAM for support?

I wonder if you are being honest with yourself about letting go once you move away?

Will you be able to actually do it?

Hi Pink yes am a member of Adfam. Yes I will be able to NC. Did it at 18 with my "dps" - cut contact and changed my entire name. Never looked back.

Did get contacted when "dm" had a stroke, dh made me go and see her "incase I regretted it". Told her I was sorry she had a stroke but it didn't change anything and asked her not to contact me again.

*Contact was made via my dsil.

How you can say you dont think you have anything that needs addressing, be it via counselling/whatever, I really don't know.

Every time you post, your emotional detachment screams out and I really don't think that stems purely from the stress 0f having a family member who abuses drugs.

You said your daughter was raped;

got raped by her drug dealer. I can't even talk about that.She moved into a nice room, to get away and we paid the deposit. All this time still drinking but miraculously because of her manager she clung on to her job

Im sorry, your daughter was raped and you paid the deposit on a room for her to 'get away'? WTF.

I feel incredibly sad for your daughter, it would seem no one wants to actually be there for her, just throw money at the issue.

You seem to flit between the problem being drugs, then mental health? not forgetting demons of course.

Either way, whichever you focus on as being the reason, none of it is about what you [and your DH] have done or not done as parents does it? I think that is telling and indicative of your apparent reluctance to 'face' your own issues.

This is probably one of the most shockingly sad threads I have read on here.

You were obviously damaged by your own upbringing far more than you are willing to admit, I sympathise with you for that, but you DO need to face it, you are being unfair to your daughter in not doing so, you are passing on the dysfunction.

I appreciate that dealing with your own issues is/would be painful, but you are a parent and you owe it to your daughter to do something.

There are loads of different types of counselling, therapies and support networks available. I don't think anyone is pushing one particular type and it is a matter of finding the one that suits the individual. People are pushing it because we've been there and it really does help, particularly at this time of great stress and difficulty for the OP. It's also easy to go into denial that you don't need any help and are coping fine.

Someone could have the most marvellous life now after a shitty start, but that doesn't alter the fact that the influences you had as a child will impact on your parenting. It just does. There is also a time to be retrospective though and maybe it's not right now.

There's also plenty of hope for her to recover if she has her MH issues diagnosed and treated. I have a degree, job, family etc despite getting rather ill before getting my treatment. And in many ways because of my bipolar I have done some amazing things. It doesn't have to be all bad once you work it out :)

I hope the drs appointment goes well OP and they can give you some advice. I have no experience of being sectioned personally thank goodness but I was at college with a guy who was taken in and it was because he literally thought aliens were coming through the wall to get him. I'm hoping they can so something for your daughter but sadly the story is all to common and probably doesn't warrant that level of intervention. She may get the message to get help on her own if you finally go nc.

I'd say that there isn't really a great deal you can do at the moment but hope that in time she will sort herself out. You have done all you can to be supportive and far beyond most people's tolerance. I hope things improve.

Op
You've been through a lot but what is clear is that it is no coincidence that you, the daughter of alcoholics, are having problems with your DD.
maybe it's something in the way you were brought up maybe it's genetic- but there is a link.

You need help and counselling might help.

You also need your DD to know she is loved.

Does she? Have you told her? Do you keep telling her?

I know you want to walk away and maybe need to, but your DD needs to know you are there for her and that she is loved. This doesn't mean shelling out for rent- it means holding her hand - either literally or otherwise- if she decides she needs you to be there for her.

Yes knee I am emotionally detached. After 8 years of the same cycle I think that is what happens. We have given her loads of emotional support, I have had meetings with her and various professionals, family counselling etc and we have gone with her to many meetings. Its so complex and I probably haven't covered it very well in this post. All we can do now is offer her practical support. Just tonight I suggested we go to the Drs as I felt she had a MH issue that was causing her to abuse substances, she refuses to go saying it is a waste of time, she doesn't have a problem. When she lived with us, we told her we loved her every day. Today I told her we hate her behaviour but not the person, and we just want her to be happy. Cue a rant about the cost of her train fare and how she was sick of being poor, and she didn't have a problem - it wasn't her fault that life is so dull and she needed something to take the edge of it. I left it as would she consider seeing the dr just one more time. All the handholding was done in the first 6 years - the last 2 years has been damage limitation.

And please no more comments about counselling! I saw a counsellor about 2 years ago and I didn't find it of any benefit. Quite frankly it was annoying.

Can relate to this as I have a dd (nearly 18) who is sectioned in a secure hospital, she has an 'emerging personality disorder' and sounds similar to your dd, although mine doesn't drink she has very risky behaviours and nothing is ever her fault.
And yes, people can never understand unless they've lived it. I too can sound emotionally detached about everything because that's what it does to you.
My dd is on clozapine now, which is meant to be helpful to bpd sufferers, we will see. DBT is a good therapy but you have to want to engage.

ashtray I suspect some of the posters have "normal" kids and can't comprehend our situations. Sorry abouy your dd x

ashtray if it is not too an intrusive question how did your dd get sectioned (if you wish to answer this would you please pm me) x

Ohthatsokthen, it sounds like you've been having an absolutely hellish time.

I think you're out of your depth.

There is nothing more you can do unless you totally sacrifice yourself and your dh to your daughter and give her all your money, your time, your energy etc.

And do you know, it still won't make any difference to her.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

And yes, there are many who have 'normal' children out there, judging. They have the children who respond to rewards or punishment. Children who want to please their parents and do well. Children who don't rage at every single minor issue. Children who don't brazenly lie all day long.

By children I also mean grown up children.

So you can't take heed of those parents who simply do not know what it is like to face and fight a brick wall every single day.

Take heart. You have done so so much for your daughter.

thank you winky x

And the assumption that the op has "passed on the dysfunction" of her own childhood is frankly amazing.

What an incredible conclusion to make.

winky I sense your pain [thanks}

meant