I totally dislike my daughter (long and ranty)

[ohthatsokthen]

DD now 21. Backstory she has been problematic since 13. Started with truancy, smoking etc. Then absconded from school and was found unconscious on the school field with an empty bottle of vodka. We then discovered she was bulimic and self harming. Many trips to the Drs later we were referred to PCAHMS for counselling. There are no known issues in our family, me and her dad still together, he has been a fantastic dad and we have both tried our best to support and encourage her. In her words "you are epic parents and I had a lovely childhood, I don't know why I do these things". Signed off from PCAHMS as deemed "helped". Over the next few years she went to college and got a part time job. She was then sent home from work as she was drunk, this continued and escalated until she was drinking all day and being abusive. I met with her work who offered to help - her words "all teenagers drink", took her to the drs "my mum is imagining it all, I am fine". To cut a long story short, the drinking escalated and she became threatening and violent and I snapped (probably not the best thing to do) and threw her out. We had a number of police visits due to threats and her trying to kick the door in. Police told me I was a victim of dv. She found a room, we paid the rent and deposit for 6 months. She got thrown out from that room because she kicked off and started smashing the place up. At this point I cut contact as she was making me ill with the stress. She moved in with her boyfriend, and his junkie father and moved onto drugs (speed, crack), got raped by her drug dealer. I can't even talk about that. She moved into a nice room, to get away and we paid the deposit. All this time still drinking but miraculously because of her manager she clung on to her job. She was then given notice on her room as the ll was getting married so she went off on a rare one and her threw her out that night. In desperation, the next day I found her a bedsit albeit in a halfway house type place, paid the deposit and the rent. She is still there. 5 months ago she quit drinking, we were so proud of her. I told her that she needed to get help as she obviously has issues (she says she wants to feel incredible all the time and can't bear the mundane day to day life). It transpires that although she isn't drinking the drug use has escalated, to the point she owes dealers. She came round last night and was vile, screaming and shouting at me. Told me all of this was her fault, she hated her life, we should take her back home and she would stop. I forced her to take the bedsit, if I hadn't she wouldn't be doing drugs. She hates her job, nobody has offered her a promotion and she's been there 3 years. I was very calm and told her, nobody had done this to her but herself and I wasn't going to discuss it anymore as she never listened (we asked her to attend Narcotics anonymous and the drs - she won't because they tell her things she doesn't want to hear). She was hateful, vicious and mean. I have got to the point where I totally dislike her and my husband says he despises her and can't be in her company. Sometimes I wish she was dead so that we didn't have to live like this and she wasn't suffering anymore. dh retires next year and we are going to sell up and move away (plan was to buy a house with annexe for dd if she got clean but that is never going to happen). All we wanted for her was to be happy, and either do uni/travel/or a job she liked. Whilst we are not perfect parents (who is) we have always encouraged and supported her and tried to do what we think is best. I am now at the point where I think - I've done everything I can, you are an adult and its up to you. I think this stems from growing up with both parents as alcoholics. I know she is a tortured soul but I can't help someone who refuses to take responsibility and help herself. Sorry for the essay, rant over - just wanted to get it off my chest!!! Thanks if you managed to read to the end

TheNapoleon - I know. I've read the thread. These would be my last chance coming home stipulations. If they weren't met, she'd be out.

Could you afford to send her to rehab? She needs therapy .

I agree with Granny with regard to the counselling. It isn't a cure-all, fix-all, guarantee to feel better, cope better and live happily.

Some people find it positive and that's great; others have different inner resources they channel at times of stress and unhappiness.

OP, I really don't know what to suggest. I understand all your feelings. I would urge you not to cut off contact altogether, though (I know you yourself have not said you will do this) leave a phone switched on and let her know your heart and home is open. You can't do much more. xx

If she takes the help we will walk with her, if not, then we will walk away. I will be able to do this, I am very good at cutting myself off from harmful situations

I can't help feeling that this self-protective mechanism which you developed in response to your own situation growing up, has already kicked in, and that your dd may have picked up on this?

Maybe she needs to know that you will always be there for her, no matter what, in order for her to get through this. That's her need, but not necessarily your responsibility. Only you know whether you are prepared/able to offer her that.

But I would personally argue that's because the situation isn't healthy, but the situation is not of the OP's making.

I'm certainly not anti-counselling but I don't believe it is a cure-all either and feel uncomfortable with it being urged on the OP when she has indicated she does not wish to participate in it.

Bang on Napoleon. Taking her back isn't an option, she has already threatened to bottle me and has been arrested twice for damaging our property.

Actually Ruff I can't promise to always be there for her because that would be very damaging to me. We are talking about a violent, mentally ill adult addict not an angst filled teen.

Silly - what denial, pain and reject are you hearing. I am confused? I am not in denial, I know enough about addicts to know that only they can help themselves. I am certainly not in pain, I cannot help she has to do this herself.

Social - we would happily pay for rehab but she has to want to stop - she doesn't.

Napoleon thank you for your understanding. We did try al-anon but it wasn't for us, we felt the sessions were framed around managing to live with someone with alcoholism. For me that isn't a solution, I want to get on with my life and our future plans which dd can be a part of but only if she is clean.

Curious that was why she was thrown out because at 19 she couldn't stick to those conditions, she was physically violent and abusive and couldn't be trusted in the house.

I do appreciate all the comments, it is interesting to see the different takes on the situation. I don't have any deep seated psychological issues or repressed feelings, and I am certainly not living a shadowy half life. Quite the opposite actually.

I am also interested in why no one has mention dh in all of this - no one has suggested he gets counselled. He says he despises her, and wishes he could just walk away. He came from a very stable and non dysfunctional family so how does that work then.

branston

It's just an impossible situation, isn't it?

Do you think if, hypothetically, she was to "come back to you" your DH would feel differently?

I know exactly what you mean about talking about things that happened years ago, I think you have self awareness and to be totally honest I think that is what counselling does: it gives people self awareness which is great but if they already HAVE it, it isn't helpful.

Of course thatsokthen is hurting. Alcoholic parents and a daughter going the same way will hurt. Counselling won't change that. But it's working out the best way forwards now and for some that would involve a counsellor, for thatsokthen it doesn't.

It really is as simple as that.

Sillylass, in my case your advice would have been the wrong way round. The shadowy half life you speak of ended when I went N/C.

OP, we sound very similar, as do our DH's. I think that my H has been grateful to me that I was strong enough to enforce boundaries for us both.

My son was 25 when he was made to be responsible for his own actions, and I believe that it has been beneficial for him too.

OP, do not let anyone make you fee guilty. No one can understand the total despair unless they have lived your life.

Branston no he will never back down, best case scenario will be he will have a distanced relationship with her. Out of the 2 of us, I am the one who deals with it all - he says he can't. I am also the one who suggested the annexe if she stays clean for 6 months.

Bruins - we could be twins

I don't feel guilty at all

I didn't mention about your H sorting his issues because you were the OP. I was offering advice to your issues, not your daughter's or your husband's.
But I see you have no issues.
Good luck.

That's heartbreaking

I have remembered that when my Mum had cancer, and it was terminal, wishing it would be over, partly because of her pain but mainly because it was so hard living that sort of straddling two worlds life.

I imagine you feel the same.

You can't be a Mum because of her behaviour, yet you can't mourn losing her as she's still here.

Awful, you have my heartfelt sympathy and I pray it works out for you.

If your DH had posted saying similar things (ie that his daughter had very serious problems and he was finding the situation hard to bear) then I'm sure people would suggest he got counselling!

Suggesting counselling does not imply that the person involved is fucked up or damaged... just that in this sort of very painful and difficult situation it can help to talk through the issues and your feelings about them with a neutral professional.

oh god, i was going to say are you sure she hasnt been trying to desperatly self medicate. stimulant abuse is ao often a symptom of undiagnosed untreated attention deficit disorders

The whole thing sounds heartbreaking

No ones saying that, Mooncup; I think it can be enormously helpful for many people.

However, it isn't a given that it is helpful. Frequently, I see on threads people being urged into counselling as soon as they mention something sad or unjust or traumatic - some people may need counselling and there's nothing wrong with it as a possibility, as a suggestion. What I feel uncomfortable with is firstly the false guarantee - "go to see a counsellor, it WILL help you" and secondly the lack of ability by some to consider any other course of appropriate action.

I think "no thanks, it's not for me," needs respecting, in other words.

My brother is a drug addict (opium, prescribed medication.) he had counselling which didn't work. One day he literally woke up and came off it - he'd reached that "point" of no more. I'm not saying that is or should be the case for everyone but it is indicative of the wide range in human behaviour, there just isn't a one size fits all and being pushed into talking therapy for normal if sometimes extremes of natural human emotions isn't helpful.

It's normal to feel sad when you lose someone, normal to feel angry when someone treats you badly, and normal to feel hugely conflicted in cases like the op's.

Actually Ruff I can't promise to always be there for her because that would be very damaging to me. We are talking about a violent, mentally ill adult addict not an angst filled teen.

Yes, I do get that, and I think I could react in the same way, in your situation, given my reaction to difficult circumstances of my own. I totally understand your 'wishing she was dead'. Of course you don't...........but it would be closure, literally, after a hellish time.

I just wonder if she has been aware of the impending cut-off for quite a long time, and if this has fed into the mix?

Wishing for this pain to stop, the pain of seeing your child in pain and themselves wanting to die, is again I would say not unusual at all- it's a way of expressing wanting this to stop. Clearly if the OP really wanted her dd to die, she would not have spent 1000 of pounds and the last ten years trying to help her, including offering for rehab/to go to the drs yet again even now. She has tried to save her, she fears she cannot.

I am very sorry you are all so unhappy.

As others have alluded to it is very easy within a family to scapegoat one member - "she's the bad/mad one... she's the one with the personality disorder/addiction problems/ASD/bipolar" etc. etc.

You will be cross to read this but you do seem to want to do this and to be very resistant to acknowledging your part in all the difficulties ("suggesting I get counselled... I really don't need it").

I do think that family therapy, if you can access it, may be the initial way forward.

That sounds really tough for all concerned OP. Have not read whole thread in detail so apologies if I'm repeating previous suggestions. Have you looked at getting support from AA and/or NA yourself, as both a child and a parent of those affected by addiction?

My dad was an alcoholic, so were my grandparents. My childhood was horrid with an abusive mother yet I have great job and my life is good.

I think at some point you just have to take responsibility for your own life. There may be underlying issues but you sound like a great mom. I wouldn't always bail her out. She needs to sort out herself.