He promised he'd change, the baby is now here, but he hasn't. How can I make him understand how I feel?

[Writerwannabe83]

Me and DH got married just over a year ago and have a 3 month old baby.

We lived together for 3 years before getting married and he has always been a bit lazy. The housework was typically left to me as apparently he didn't see mess. Admittedly I do like a tidy house and maybe our ideas were different as to what constituted 'messy' so I tended to just get on with things. We had some HUGE arguments about housework and how he'd never do anything unless I nagged him but things never really changed. He'd tell me to stop doing the house work and just relax, but if I didn't do it then it didn't get done.

When I was pregnant I told him that I was absolutely dreading the baby arriving because I couldn't imagine looking after a baby but still being expected to do everything around the house. He promised me that things would be different and he would help out more but nothing has changed.

The house is a tip and he doesn't care. I'm pretty tired most days and when DS is asleep I'm running around tidying up and cleaning. When DH comes home he sits on the sofa, I hand DS over and then I have to start doing more housework. I just don't get a break. I'm sitting on the sofa now looking at the tip that is the living room and thinking about how messy all the other bedrooms are, and the kitchen and the bathrooms etc and I could cry. He would never think to do anything.

I feel used and that I'm just being taken for granted. I feel like screaming at him but it just seems so pointless.

We haven't had sex since the baby was born and I have absolutely no desire to do so. DH has started bringing this issue up and the reality is that I don't want to have sex with him because I feel angry with him. I want to feel like we are a partnership and that the house and the baby is a joint responsibility but I feel like everything is on my shoulders and I'm expected to do everything. Why would I want to have sex with someone who makes me feel this way?

I just don't know what to do or say to make him see or understand how I feel.

Dreamingbohemian is spot on. I remember many of your previous threads and your husband's lack of respect for you goes way beyond the housework. He won't change.

I wonder how many marriages there are where the wife can't see mess etc and the husband has to do it all or whether neither bothers.

Itsfab Mine! It's not so much I can't see it but I grew up with an incredibly messy mother so I can ignore it. With a three year old and a six month old if I get time to myself the last thing I want to do is tidy. Drives DH mad god love him.

I do do all his laundry...

I am like that- it's fab - however I have learnt to be better over the years...
Both of us joke/argue who has compromised most - he says he has lowered his standards, I say I have massively raised my game!

mrsvilliers,

Snap! Which is why we have a cleaner.....

John and MRsV - me too. It does happen though I can say from my wider experience that it's less common for women to be in this role.

OP - your strategy of putting stuff in the Room of Doom or other spaces of his seems to be helping you, so keep on with it.

This is an issue I've made my peace with rather than drive myself crazy over. My dh is a messy person and I'm unorganised so it's like fighting a losing battle. We also have 3 kids under 5 so lots of toy mess and laundry.

I decided long ago that my relationship was worth a compromise over housework. He is not a man child but he has lower standards when it comes to a tidy house. Now I clean for me because it makes me feel better to live in a clean house.

Our youngest is just 13 weeks old and so I've temporarily lowered my standards. A new baby brings chaos and change. It takes time to adapt.

Your dh won't change and it's not your role in life to force him to. You either leave, compromise or carry on this cycle but live with a crushing sense of resentment towards him. I am not suggesting he's in the right, 2 rooms of his mess sounds awful. However you obviously don't want to leave him and constantly defend him. So you need to find a way to cope.

I also think if you genuinely love him then right now he needs your support. He lost a parent seriously what will matter in years to come that the house was tidy or that you were there when he needed you most.

I know my opinion probably won't be a popular one juding by the other replies but sometimes a different stance is a good thing.

I'm the messy one in my marriage - DH is far tidier than I am. I like a tidy house, and have good intentions, but I used to walk past something and remind myself to pick it up many times before I actually did it.

However.

I have raised my game because I don't want to make life unpleasant and stressful for my beloved DH and - and this is important - I never, EVER left something in the expectation that he would pick it up. That's just disrespectful and horrible.

So as others have said, OP, the symptom is the mess but the problem is that he'd rather make your life miserable than put himself out. I've read a few of your threads and I'm so sorry that your optimism hasn't been justified, but I'm sadly not surprised. Glad to see you're starting to push back, though, and it is not unreasonable even with the bereavement - you can be emotionally supportive to someone 100% and still expect them to pick up a fucking crisp packet.

DH has a tendency to put things down wherever his hand is when he's finished with it.

He cleans the kitchen once a week (well, he says he does ). We have a horrible plastic sink which stains with tea and coffee unless you make sure you wash every drop away immediately. DH bleaches the sink during his kitchen blitz, and gets annoyed if I just empty cups into it during the week without washing the dregs away; so I make sure to do it.

I had been asking him for a long time to put the bread knife back when he had finished using it, but somehow he could never quite manage to reach out to the open bread bin in front of him, and put the knife in it at the same time as he put the loaf back in.

So I stopped washing the tea dregs away. It was utterly childish, and I hated doing the tit for tat, but every time he left the bread knife out I didn't wash away the dregs.

He started putting the bread knife away.

We had a few cross words on Saturday - not about the cleaning but something else - and I think he has realised I'm unhappy at the moment.

Since then, without any prompting he has regularly been taking out DS to give me a break, he has cooked each night, he washed up without needing prompting, aside from one empty can of 7up I haven't had to pick anything up that he's left lying around and he even cleared the fridge out yesterday.

But most outstanding is that this morning, before he went to work, he put a wash on

The fact he put clothes in the washing machine without having to be asked is extremely shocking - I honestly can't remember the last time he did it. The only time he ever uses the washing machine is if his football kit or cricket kit needs washing. As I was pulling the clothes out the machine to put on the clothes horse I kept waiting to come across something of his but apart from a pair of socks it was all my clothes, DS clothes and bathroom towels.

Wow - that's progress.
So he CAN do it.
He just needs to keep doing it.
I hope you are feeling more positive now.

Not sure I'd hold my breath though.
Fingers crossed this is the corner turned now and it's going to all be much better.

Just remember OP, these are all normal things that both men and women do on a daily basis, he's doing nothing special, apart from covering his arse.

Fact is, unless he keeps it up and is consistent, you'll be back at square one next week, I really hope he does, if he honestly loves and values the relationship, it shouldn't be this hard.

as we all suspected, he is perfectly capable of being involved in domestic duties, but he has been choosing not to.

Remember this isn't a time for grand gestures on his part, but a time for a commitment to consistent and equal involvement in domestic life.

I was where you are not that long ago. My husband never cleaned up without us having a big bust up about it. I don't think he didn't do it because he was using me more so a matter of the house would be cleaned because I couldn't stand a mess.
When we had our daughter I continued to do everything, cook, clean and look after the baby. I was cleaning 2 days after coming out of hospital! Finally after months of not sleeping and things taking their toll I sat him down and told him how unhappy I was. I told him our marriage could not sustain this anymore. I think it finally got through to him and things have changed. While I don't think he will ever scrub floors, he has made an effort.

So I don't think as others have said about dumping him is the best option unless you have exhausted all other options, especially as there is a child involved.

You see him taking DS out as "giving you a break".
How about seeing it as him spending time with and parenting his child?

OP, you don't have to live like this. Really you don't. Fighting a constant tide of filth must be horrible. And I speak as someone whose house is not even remotely pristine.

Just remember OP, these are all normal things that both men and women do on a daily basis, he's doing nothing special

This.

I know viv - that's why I'm not going to acknowledge to his face that he's done it

If he thinks he's going to be getting a "thank you" or a pat on the head for doing something I do every day then he's going to be waiting a long time

What matters now is whether he can keep it up.

Probably not.

But I know that if things don't improve on a consistent long-term basis then I won't be sticking around to be treated like his personal slave.

You say that, Writer...

What will your boundaries be?

I'm sorry, am I the only one who thinks he sounds normal and quite nice? Is everyone else in amazing relationships where the man cooks and cleans and does the laundry and puts it away and looks after the kids even when one's a breastfed baby? OP fwiw I think it's a mismatch of standards. Leaving a bowl and empty can out overnight would not be a deal breaker for me. But I was a bit at you doing polishing.

MrsV
(a) have you read the description of the filth this bloke lives in?
(b) of course my male partner cooks and cleans and does childcare. He isn't amazing, he's ^normal.