He promised he'd change, the baby is now here, but he hasn't. How can I make him understand how I feel?

[Writerwannabe83]

Me and DH got married just over a year ago and have a 3 month old baby.

We lived together for 3 years before getting married and he has always been a bit lazy. The housework was typically left to me as apparently he didn't see mess. Admittedly I do like a tidy house and maybe our ideas were different as to what constituted 'messy' so I tended to just get on with things. We had some HUGE arguments about housework and how he'd never do anything unless I nagged him but things never really changed. He'd tell me to stop doing the house work and just relax, but if I didn't do it then it didn't get done.

When I was pregnant I told him that I was absolutely dreading the baby arriving because I couldn't imagine looking after a baby but still being expected to do everything around the house. He promised me that things would be different and he would help out more but nothing has changed.

The house is a tip and he doesn't care. I'm pretty tired most days and when DS is asleep I'm running around tidying up and cleaning. When DH comes home he sits on the sofa, I hand DS over and then I have to start doing more housework. I just don't get a break. I'm sitting on the sofa now looking at the tip that is the living room and thinking about how messy all the other bedrooms are, and the kitchen and the bathrooms etc and I could cry. He would never think to do anything.

I feel used and that I'm just being taken for granted. I feel like screaming at him but it just seems so pointless.

We haven't had sex since the baby was born and I have absolutely no desire to do so. DH has started bringing this issue up and the reality is that I don't want to have sex with him because I feel angry with him. I want to feel like we are a partnership and that the house and the baby is a joint responsibility but I feel like everything is on my shoulders and I'm expected to do everything. Why would I want to have sex with someone who makes me feel this way?

I just don't know what to do or say to make him see or understand how I feel.

MrsV
(a) have you read the description of the filth this bloke lives in?
(b) of course my male partner cooks and cleans and does childcare. He isn't amazing, he's ^normal.

I'm sorry, am I the only one who thinks he sounds normal and quite nice?

Probably.
It depends on what you consider normal and nice.

Wow - I think you might be the only one. He sounds neither normal nor nice to me.

I have read the thread from the beginning. For me, I cannot see how a house can get so filthy with two adults and a baby especially when the fikth causing adult is at work all day. It seems to me as though the OP has somewhat exacting standards and everyone has jumped up immediately to shout LTB.

Becool and Lweji could you give me a description of what your DPs do please? Would be interesting to have something to measure against.

I don't have one at the moment, but none of previous partners littered the floor with clothes or left most things around rather than take them to the kitchen.
ExH was at home, both cooked, cleaned the house and were able to wash clothes.
No rooms full of junk.

I'm not particularly tidy myself, btw, so my standards are not that high, and I still agree with the OP.

All the more reason to keep the house in a clean and hygienic state, there's a baby there!

What is nice and normal about watching your partner run ragged doing everything, upset most of the time because you are ignoring her needs???

I know someone who was the type of person this man is.

We shared a tiny office and I'd sometimes find his dirty underwear on the floor.
I once went into the lab to find pellets of NaOH (strong base) scattered around the floor and the bench.

That is the type of person who messes up a house with two adults and one baby.

I know his mom has just died but this has been going on for years and years - so why have you put up with it for years and years ?

I do agree that either he is absolute pig (and then why are you with him?) or your standards are incredibly high? I also have a large 5 bedroomed house with one child, I can do all the housework in a couple of hours a week.

Is that an amazing relationship, mrsvilliers? Why is that so much to ask of a man? You wouldn't think a woman was amazing for doing those things.

No way Lweji you think he's that bad?! See, my DH is always muttering about my junk and not tidying things away and I just think he's being obsessive so was thinking that kind of level of mess (and I do leave clothes lying around too). I have a friend who is incredibly tidy and there is no way I could live with someone like that as she does think I am a slob.

OP, is it possible to have a photo of the room of doom?!

I'm a bit bemused by this, TBH.

Writer, your DH goes to work all day, then comes home and looks after DS for a couple of hours, cooks dinner and does the washing up.

You, on the other hand, look after DS all day, then get a couple of hours quiet time when your DH does so.

Could you not use one of those two hours of "quiet time" to do a bit of washing and clean a bathroom?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting you should pick up after him. He should put his own mugs in the dishwasher/wash them up, and put his own crisp packets in he bin. But, I'm a bit unclear on what it is he can possibly do in the time he is at home, not cooking dinner, doing dishes and looking after DS to make such a huge mess.

My DH:

Gives the DC's breakfast every morning
Makes sure elder DC's washed, dressed and ready for school, takes them to school on his way to work.
Cooks dinner maybe 3/4 times a week, sometimes more often.
Washes up, every day
Does laundry (including putting away)
Baths DC
Puts younger DC to bed (including story reading)
Takes out bins
Picks up crap, generally tidies up mess when it's noticeable
Writes appointments etc on calendar
Replies to school letters, bills, hospital etc.

He works full time as well.

I do about the same in house, I also work but part time, and do all the driving and shopping, and more of the child care falls to me.

Would consider this a fair division of duties, admittedly it has taken a few years to get to this point and we did live in a bit of a tip at first.

do you leave clothes lying around on the floor mrsvilliers (like underwear that should go in the washing basket), or clothes that have only been lightly worn so slung over the back of a chair (e.g.)?

because the former is often about expecting someone else to pick up after you, the latter is about different standards of tidiness (for lightly worn stuff, dp slings it over a chair, i have an open basket that i put them in folded)

Mrsv, my DH does all the things you mention, and more - without being told, or asked, and without expecting praise, etc. THAT'S normal (and nice) for any adult, male or female. I feel sorry for hetero women who think this is in any way special behaviour in a man.

We lived together for 3 years before getting married and he has always been a bit lazy

It's very difficult to come to a conclusion that a person is lazy without it being glaringly obvious!

I bet he's lazy in all aspects of the relationship, not just cleaning.

I have an XP and he was perfectly able to look after himself and contribute at home as well as spending time with his DC. Oftentimes he chose not to, which is part of the reason he is an XP.

I do know lots of men however - all of them are able to look after themselves and their environment. This is very normal. Because, they are you know people, who don't want to live in their own filth, and don't expect anyone else will want to spend their lives cleaning up after a grown adult. Some of them are especially houseproud and clean and tidy. It's not usual at all.

I do know one man who is a self confessed dreadful slob and does fuck all cleaning wise (though he does contribute lots to the home overall) - but he has an agreement/arrangement with his P and she is happy with that - so they have a situation that works for them both (whatever that might be).

I am what I would describe as a "naturally very messy" person. But I clean and tidy and pick up after myself & wouldn't expect anyone else to do this for me.

Petula lightly worn clothes it is true. BeCool you describe yourself as naturally very messy but how do you think others would describe you? I'm just thinking it could be different viewpoints. My mother's tidy for example is my husband's messy and when I am in my MIL's house I feel like I have to wash up the waahing up brush if that makes sense!

Still think the only way to solve is a photo, then us messy types can be revealed as the slatterns we are

It could well be that in the beginning when they lived together he would have put his things away but the OP, as a naturally tidy person, automatically picked them up before he got round to it.

I don't know why I feel I have to defend him so much, must be guilt at the utter tip DH comes home to every day.

the op said somewhere i think that his previous girlfriends had done everything for him

She did, you're right. Wonder what his parents' house is like.

His parents house is always completely spotless and ironically it is his dad who is super house proud. His dad is brilliant at doing housework and cleaning.....I married the wrong generation

My DH is lovely, just messy and lazy.

Just because he has been a little better over the last 3 days does not make up for the last 4 years. Before DS came along I felt irritated by his messiness but did just naturally clean up after him, but now DS is here, I just haven't got the patience for DH's lazy ways anymore.

The fact he put clothes in the washing machine without having to be asked is extremely shocking - I honestly can't remember the last time he did it.

What's shocking is that he doesn't routinely wash clothes. My 15 year old ds does that (and has been doing it since he was about 8 years old). There's no way he will expect someone else to wash his clothes because they have a vagina and he doesn't. It wouldn't even occur to him.

Is everyone else in amazing relationships where the man cooks and cleans and does the laundry and puts it away and looks after the kids even when one's a breastfed baby?

I am. Is that so unusual? It's just normal in our house for everyone to pitch in. Housework is never an issue. The children have been helping since they were toddlers.

I think it's so sad that families fall out over this or one person spends so much time cleaning and tidying that there is little left for family time.

Fairenuff mine doesn't routinely wash clothes (or indeed ever) but I don't clean so I think that's a fair trade off. If you're happy with all other aspects writer then it could well be a case of trade off.

Also should add Fairenuff that I have a little boy and the very minute he is old enough he will be set to his own laundry!!