He promised he'd change, the baby is now here, but he hasn't. How can I make him understand how I feel?

[Writerwannabe83]

Me and DH got married just over a year ago and have a 3 month old baby.

We lived together for 3 years before getting married and he has always been a bit lazy. The housework was typically left to me as apparently he didn't see mess. Admittedly I do like a tidy house and maybe our ideas were different as to what constituted 'messy' so I tended to just get on with things. We had some HUGE arguments about housework and how he'd never do anything unless I nagged him but things never really changed. He'd tell me to stop doing the house work and just relax, but if I didn't do it then it didn't get done.

When I was pregnant I told him that I was absolutely dreading the baby arriving because I couldn't imagine looking after a baby but still being expected to do everything around the house. He promised me that things would be different and he would help out more but nothing has changed.

The house is a tip and he doesn't care. I'm pretty tired most days and when DS is asleep I'm running around tidying up and cleaning. When DH comes home he sits on the sofa, I hand DS over and then I have to start doing more housework. I just don't get a break. I'm sitting on the sofa now looking at the tip that is the living room and thinking about how messy all the other bedrooms are, and the kitchen and the bathrooms etc and I could cry. He would never think to do anything.

I feel used and that I'm just being taken for granted. I feel like screaming at him but it just seems so pointless.

We haven't had sex since the baby was born and I have absolutely no desire to do so. DH has started bringing this issue up and the reality is that I don't want to have sex with him because I feel angry with him. I want to feel like we are a partnership and that the house and the baby is a joint responsibility but I feel like everything is on my shoulders and I'm expected to do everything. Why would I want to have sex with someone who makes me feel this way?

I just don't know what to do or say to make him see or understand how I feel.

I think you should be considering the Paper of Divorce, frankly.

What exactly is he contributing to your life now?

That's very interesting, writer. This is, truly lazy housework-haters like me do everything in their power NOT to make a mess. Because I hate to clean up. Always use a plate, so there are no crumbs. Never put anything down, so there is nothing to wipe. Drink from cups and put stuff straight in the recycling so I don't end up with a pile of crap looking at me.

Making an enormous mess while hating housework means he doesn't give a shit because someone else will clean it up. That's not just lazy and housework avoidant, that's selfish and treating you like a servant.

A good friend of mine has a DH like this, he does nothing around the house - no cooking, cleaning and very little childcare (their children are 2 and 5).

He is a selfish twat. My DH can't stand the way this friend treats her wife and refuses to visit them anymore as it makes him feel so mad.
Other friends of theirs have said to him and her that he needs to step up. He hasn't.

I see it like an emotionally abuse relationship, he doesn't care about her time, energy or feelings. He didn't even cook beans on toast for her after she'd had her babies. I can't stand it.

What I'm basically trying to say is that this man will not change and I fear your DH may not either, he can do it of course, but is choosing to leave it all for the skivvy - you. I hope the BOC works and if it doesn't I would bin bag everything in the box, wardrobe and room and take to the tip.

Kirsten123 Do you remember this post you started? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2089279-Definitive-list-of-red-flags
Red flags.
Don't wish to be back with a red flag man, cooking his dinner and giving him "BJs"!!

The two rooms are his shit hole rooms - he doesn't use them for anything specific, just a place for him to dump stuff!

Why doesn't he just have one room to fill to the rafters with his shit and you have the other as a clean, tidy, pleasant haven for yourself. That seems fairer to me.

I notice that in your OP you say you got married just over a year ago. Why did you marry him knowing what he was like and how little he cared about you?

Oh OP, just catching up on the rest of the thread, since I posted that your husband is, basically, filthy. I amend my opinion - he is not just filthy, he is uncaring, insolent, lazy, doesn't give a toss about you and frankly, he's a classic Lost Cause. You won't change him - HE JUST DOESN'T CARE A FLYING F* ABOUT YOU.

I don't often say this, but cut your losses and get rid of him. Do you want to live with this disgusting, dirty, uncaring twat for the rest of your life? And do you want your child/children to live in these circumstances, in the utter squalor he makes everywhere?

Think on.

He's not all bad

He is the one who always does the weekly shopping because I hate doing it and he does most of the cooking. He's also happy to wait around outside shops whilst I'm clothes shopping. He's always buying me thoughtful little treats if he sees something when he's out that he thinks I will like.

And he is brilliant with DS - most evenings when DH gets home from work he will take DS out for a few hours just so I can have some quiet time. He also takes DS downstairs on the weekend mornings so I can have a bit of a lie in and then brings me tea and toast in bed when I wake up

It's solely just the cleaning - it's the only thing that bugs me

Writer, all the good points you describebare things that should be a given. It's not proof of him being brilliant to you if he shops, or is happy to go clothes shopping with you, or take his child out for a bit. It's what he's SUPPOSED to do. Why are you so happy to sell yourself short?

I feel so sad every time I see women on threads try to justify being treated like shit, and the reasons they give for thinking a man is a prince are bog-standard examples that should be the automatic basics.

Writer, take care of yourself, go to your parents if that will help you relax.

Oxfordbags I think that's a bit harsh, he hasn't exactly come across well so far, she's pointing out he's not all bad. I agree with Humps, get a cleaner, inform him that everything has to be tidy to be cleaned. He tidies his spaces, you do yours. If his aren't tidy then they don't get cleaned, have extra jobs for the cleaner to rotate in the event his rooms aren't tidy. Close the doors to his spaces, mentally as well, and think of his positives. You will never win with a messy person as by the time they realise it's messy you will be going mad.

And stop chucking his stuff in cupboards, he probably thinks it's new baby hysteria (mine would!). Get one of those sorter laundry baskets and keep it in your bedroom, he'll soon learn when a lovely white shirt turns pink or grey

WW, that sad/brave last post of yours is just killing me. You describe the stuff any normal man just does as a matter of routine as though your filthy pig of a husband should get an OBE. And the brave little smilies throughout. You poor love.

His MOTHER just died?!! This won't happen regularly! Do NOT put dirty dishes I his wardrobe - are you mad?!! Leave it at least a MONTH ffs!
THEN deal with it as adults!

My MIL lost my FIL last year. She was in pieces. Yet still managed to keep her house clean

Yes, it's funny how grieving women generally manage, and are expected, to continue to do some housework, isn't it?

And this hasn't happened since his mother died, it's been going on for years

If you're happy with him in general and it's just the cleaning that gets to you, just get a cleaner once a week to do all the floor washing, bed changing etc. Don't expect him to change and get your head around the fact that you do the rest. If he does the shopping and supports you in other areas, it's crazy to be talking about the end of your relationship especially in view of the fact that you now have a child together.

Crazy ? I guess it depends if you can reconcile being a second class citizen in your relationship or not.

A once a week cleaner will not pick up empty crisp packets and mouldy plates, somewhat.

Though I agree OP should get one as it seems she was previously talked out of it.

This is not about cleaning, it's tidying up after himself. He likes a tidy house and can do it, but he's choosing to leave it to his partner.

There are not his and her areas in a shared home. Unless he was banned to live in one of his rooms.

It depends on wether you are prepared to live with this or not. If this is making you feel so bad and desperate, then it should be a dealbreaker and you should tell him to leave.

It's solely just the cleaning - it's the only thing that bugs me

OP I'm sorry to be harsh but you need to wake the fuck up. Your husband is a lazy and selfish man who has left you feeling bereft, lonely, exhausted, etc etc on many many occasions, despite all your talking to him, explaining to him, hoping for the best and so on.

I'm not even here that much and I recognise your name. And when I see it at the top of a thread I know it will be about how your husband is, yet again, being a selfish twat.

I wish to god you would get angry, would see that you deserve far better than this, and make some real changes to your life so that he can't keep treating you like this.

All those good things you listed are things that men are supposed to do. What difference does it make if he does all that and doesn't do the things that you have explained over and over are really important to you?

It is not just the cleaning. That is just a SYMPTOM of a far worse disease, which is that he's lazy and feels entitled to treat you like crap. So what if it's not all the time? He shouldn't treat you like crap ever.

You can argue about cleaning all you want but he is not going to change and it's not going to get any better. Deep down you must know this. It's been YEARS of this, you say it yourself.

He's not going to change, OP - that is evident, and, you obviously love him very much. So, as blunt as it sounds, it's going to be a case of put up and shut up, or, hire a cleaner.

Right, he does things which, tbh, my dh never did. I think he loves you in his way which is not going to be like the way you love him. There are expectations you will have, which you grew up with and which have been proven over your life, to be how people treat each other when they love each other. Sme of these expectations will, quite simple, not be met. Which ones I don't know, but you will find out as time goes by. Whether you are happy to take what he gives and no more - adjust your expectations down - is up to you.

There will come a time when you find it more difficult, especially as your children grow older and you find that they are getting less as well, when you will question it all, wonder whether what you do get is worth hanging on to without some of the other things you signed up for, but which aren't coming your way.

You will need to be able to explore this properly. There are compensations, but whether those are sufficient only you can decide.

I think you need to see a counsellor to talk this through with, and to help you work out fully what your expectations are, both from your husband and from the father of your children.

You know he is not going to change OP.

But what has also now become clear is that you are not going to change either.

So nothing will change.

That's it. This is your life. Get used to it.

You feel used because you are being used by him.

And you are with him now because you get something out of this relationship. Some innate codependent need of yours is being met here.

What did you exactly learn about relationships when growing up, what sort of example did your parents set you?.

Honestly would you want your son growing up to be just the same as his feckless dad?.