He promised he'd change, the baby is now here, but he hasn't. How can I make him understand how I feel?

[Writerwannabe83]

Me and DH got married just over a year ago and have a 3 month old baby.

We lived together for 3 years before getting married and he has always been a bit lazy. The housework was typically left to me as apparently he didn't see mess. Admittedly I do like a tidy house and maybe our ideas were different as to what constituted 'messy' so I tended to just get on with things. We had some HUGE arguments about housework and how he'd never do anything unless I nagged him but things never really changed. He'd tell me to stop doing the house work and just relax, but if I didn't do it then it didn't get done.

When I was pregnant I told him that I was absolutely dreading the baby arriving because I couldn't imagine looking after a baby but still being expected to do everything around the house. He promised me that things would be different and he would help out more but nothing has changed.

The house is a tip and he doesn't care. I'm pretty tired most days and when DS is asleep I'm running around tidying up and cleaning. When DH comes home he sits on the sofa, I hand DS over and then I have to start doing more housework. I just don't get a break. I'm sitting on the sofa now looking at the tip that is the living room and thinking about how messy all the other bedrooms are, and the kitchen and the bathrooms etc and I could cry. He would never think to do anything.

I feel used and that I'm just being taken for granted. I feel like screaming at him but it just seems so pointless.

We haven't had sex since the baby was born and I have absolutely no desire to do so. DH has started bringing this issue up and the reality is that I don't want to have sex with him because I feel angry with him. I want to feel like we are a partnership and that the house and the baby is a joint responsibility but I feel like everything is on my shoulders and I'm expected to do everything. Why would I want to have sex with someone who makes me feel this way?

I just don't know what to do or say to make him see or understand how I feel.

Adults take responsibility for themselves and their environment, so they don't just let go of a thing when they've finished with it, leaving it to fall from their hands, whether that is a crisp packet, car keys, toothbrush, clothes etc. Presumably he doesn't just leave his car haphazardly in the road when he gets to a shop, but parks it properly.

His attitude to you stinks. No surprise you don't want a shag with him. If he mentions it again you'd be entirely reasonable to point out that treating you as if you were his mum and he your toddler, is not at all sexy.

I just went into the living room to find a discarded bowl from when he had done ice-cream last night and an empty beer bottle.

Beer bottle has gone in his box of crap and his bowl is sitting next to the box

OP, so still he acts like a slob and expects you to run about picking up, he won't change, time you thought about a nice life without having to deal with his crap, and no more feeling angry and resentful, he just doesn't care enough.

Well it's only been 36 hours since I introduced B.O.C and his new pile of clothes in the wardrobe so I will give ita bit longer. Don't think he think I'll see it through! He will soon start moaning when he doesn't have any clean clothes.

I just found yesterday's clothes down the side of the bed in the spare bedroom so I've thrown them in the wardrobe too. The wardrobe doors don't shut properly anymore....

Nice one kirsten123
That made me LOL.

why are you still picking up after him

Just leave it where it is. You have to make sure he cracks first but you are still picking up after him.

My exH was like this.
The house needed loads of work doing to it and was a mess and he moaned about it but never helped to sort it out.
I realised it was the tip of the iceberg in our relationship problems and we split up.
My new partner does stuff! Cleans, decorates, helps with childcare, doesn't moan about being asked to help. It really is an eye opener!!

Is take pride in giving him a nice evening, BJ etc....????? WTAF????

itsfab - I can't leave it, I just can't. I have tried that but when I'm the one who has to sit and look at it all day it drives me mad. It's easy for him, he gets to go to work - I can't relax when I'm surrounded by mess. I have already had to tell families and friends they can't visit in the past because of the state of the house, I can't go back down that road. I would never let people in if all his crap was just lying around, I'd be mortified

The fact that you'd be mortified is key to why you're allowing yourself to be treated like is: you think the mess would be a reflection on you as a woman, somehow, yes? When really, the only way it'd be mortifying would be for others to see what an immature, pathetic, lazy, skanky idiot he is, who totally disrespects his wife, takes her for granted and treats her like a skivvy.

Until you go from mortification at the former to mortification at the latter, then you're just going to stay stuck.

Also, someone really ought to reassure kirsten123 that men can have husbands now.

You said you've been in the spare room and moved clothes from down the side of the bed. Is there any reason why you need to go into his bedroom or sitting room? Just shut the doors and don't think about what's in there. It will only make you more annoyed.

Hmm but why should OP be forced to be in a house that makes her squirm in the immediate term?! I think her plan is spot on. With a newborn you need no extra stress.

I'd buy some paper plates and plastic cutlery too so I could still eat even when all the kitchen utensils were in the box!

I'd also hire a cleaner and put the payment on dd from his bank account.

I do pride myself on my BJs kirsten and for that reason they are given out when I want to and only when I want to. And not to dickwads.

I'd aim for that my poppet if I were you.

Throw it all, including rubbish plates in his room. Shut door. Never go in there.

There is a next step up from the Box Of Crap™ - and that is the black bin bag. Tell him that unless he sorts out ALL his shit, including the shit-hole rooms, everything of his will be bagged up in black sacks and put outside for the bin men. And follow through on the threat.

Honestly, when you get to this stage OP you really need to be asking yourself if you'd be better off without him, fundamentally you are two different people, you can stick a plaster on it but it will still keep bleeding because at the root of all of this is the fact that you don't have the same standards, probably not just in cleaning but other things too.

I understand you don't want to look at it but seeing as he doesn't care when it is in front of him he certainly won't care when it is shoved in a box or wardrobe and as for his clothes he will probably just buy more.

I think that there are really two issues here; the mess and the lack of respect. If the real problem is the mess hire a cleaner as many hours as you need to get it sorted. Sorry but I missed why he didn't want one.

The lack of respect is much harder. Pre DS I did all of the household stuff, cleaning cooking etc. I was quite happy with this as my job was fewer hours, no commute and less challenging than OHs. Now we have a 6.5 month old everything has changed. At first I did everything and became very unhappy. So I explained, nagged etc but really it was my unhappiness that made him pull his weight. He doesn't want me to be unhappy about something that he can fix by doing a few hours of housework a week. I think that it helps that we have been together for a very long time and really do see ourselves as a team.

I'm not sure about the B.O.C. Is it really out of your mind when it's out of your sight? I doubt it. If you can't bear upsetting him then I'd fling everything into his room. Door open, fling crap in, door shut. Also I wouldn't avoid inviting people round. I'd tell them. Let them know you are struggling and why. Let them shame him. He should be ashamed. Equally with not letting him see that you've been crying. this is completely beyond me. If you've been crying all day then you have, it's not as if you're lying. If he can see that and still not frame himself then he really is a dick.

Cleaners clean tidy houses.

They do not pick up your crap and put it away for you.

"Get a cleaner" is only a solution to the problem if he will agree to tidy up his crap on the basis that a cleaner will reduce the workload overall for the two of you.

I agree with SDTG about the Black Bin Bag™.

But I'd wait a bit before introducing it.

1. His mother has just died.
2. BOC™ and Floor Of Wardrobe™ might work. Particularly as he starts to run out of clothes.

In a few weeks, tell him about Black Bin Bag™. Give him a deadline (rubbish day in two weeks from the warning, for example). Keep giving reminders of the deadline. If you don't want to "nag" do a chart on the fridge, where you cross off the days, or an alert on his phone every day.

Point out to him that this is the way many people treat their teens. And then the teens leave home and go out into the real world and learn to do for themselves.

Guarantee he will just go out and buy new clothes.

Absolutely guarantee it.

OP - Did you consider spending the daylight hours at your parents house? Or out of the house?

Sound like too much hard work - give it up move - it was only months ago you were complaining about the lack of sex!

I really wouldn't bother with this man-child, even if he had the looks of Brad Pitt!

Why is the house such a mess? My mother had 11 children and a six-bedroom house. It was spotless, and we weren't tidy children either!

That's 'move on'!

The house is such a mess because he makes a mess quicker than I can clean it

Trying to find time todo the washing up, the polishing, the hoovering, the laundry and the bathrooms isn't easy with my gorgeous DS. He sleeps great at night so loves to be awake most of the day