He promised he'd change, the baby is now here, but he hasn't. How can I make him understand how I feel?

[Writerwannabe83]

Me and DH got married just over a year ago and have a 3 month old baby.

We lived together for 3 years before getting married and he has always been a bit lazy. The housework was typically left to me as apparently he didn't see mess. Admittedly I do like a tidy house and maybe our ideas were different as to what constituted 'messy' so I tended to just get on with things. We had some HUGE arguments about housework and how he'd never do anything unless I nagged him but things never really changed. He'd tell me to stop doing the house work and just relax, but if I didn't do it then it didn't get done.

When I was pregnant I told him that I was absolutely dreading the baby arriving because I couldn't imagine looking after a baby but still being expected to do everything around the house. He promised me that things would be different and he would help out more but nothing has changed.

The house is a tip and he doesn't care. I'm pretty tired most days and when DS is asleep I'm running around tidying up and cleaning. When DH comes home he sits on the sofa, I hand DS over and then I have to start doing more housework. I just don't get a break. I'm sitting on the sofa now looking at the tip that is the living room and thinking about how messy all the other bedrooms are, and the kitchen and the bathrooms etc and I could cry. He would never think to do anything.

I feel used and that I'm just being taken for granted. I feel like screaming at him but it just seems so pointless.

We haven't had sex since the baby was born and I have absolutely no desire to do so. DH has started bringing this issue up and the reality is that I don't want to have sex with him because I feel angry with him. I want to feel like we are a partnership and that the house and the baby is a joint responsibility but I feel like everything is on my shoulders and I'm expected to do everything. Why would I want to have sex with someone who makes me feel this way?

I just don't know what to do or say to make him see or understand how I feel.

Oh, poor OP. He sounds just FILTHY - not 'untidy', or 'messy', but downright FILTHY, disgustingly unhygeinic. Up with this you should not put! It's bad, really really bad. What's wrong with him?

To be honest, I couldn't be with anyone that bad. Sorry.

Does he not realise his filthy habits are the biggest turn off possible, or, perhaps he really doesn't care.

The strange thing is that when I had my CS I was out of action for weeks and he did EVERYTHING around the house, he kept it so tidy and I really thought I was seeing a new side to him.

But as I started to get back on my feet and more able to do things around the house, things started to slide back to where we are today.

So he can do it - which makes it worse as now I know he's purposefully just choosing not to bother. His attitude seems to be that because he doesn't like doing it then he's not going to do it. Does he think I enjoy doing it?

He is always making plans like, "Every weekend we will have a blitz, we will clean for a few hours each weekend and keep it tidy." It never happens though.

Sometimes he will go on a crazy cleaning frenzy but it's maybe once every 6 months - otherwise it's all left to me.

That is worse yes, he is choosing not to do it OP, he knows perfectly well how you feel about it and does understand, he still decides not to help you - he's probably just one of life's lazy gits in all aspects and won't change, people very rarely change.

So basically your partner is a filthy teenager and you are his mother.

Why are you even in this relationship?

He clearly can do it, since he has proved that in the past (then again, anybody can clean. It's not a fucking complicated skill), he just doesn't give a fuck about you. He knows it makes you miserable and he doesn't care. He knows you need help but he doesn't care.

Your house sounds absolutely enormous. Do you need all that space? It would be easier to maintain a smaller property if you could down size.

Basically this is going to end up a never ending source of stress in your relationship. You are going to threaten to leave, or leave briefly, and he will become superman doing his fair share of the work. Then you will think "oh wonderful he has changed" and will get back with him. Then it will be back to square one after a few days.

That sounds like a pretty shit life, and your child is going to grow up with the view that men need do fuck all around the house and the woman will always pick up after them. Great.

So he can do it - which makes it worse as now I know he's purposefully just choosing not to bother. His attitude seems to be that because he doesn't like doing it then he's not going to do it. Does he think I enjoy doing it?

This is indeed very depressing!

And it doesn't matter if he thinks you enjoy it or not. What matters is he thinks/believes YOUR role in life includes not only doing all the day to day housework, but also effectively following him around and clearing up his food litter he can't even be bothered to put in the bin.

I can't image where you can go from here without him getting involved 100% & permanently in all this crap.

My ex used to be like this. I had a rental inspection and then went on a weeks holiday, he stayed behind.

When I got back he wanted a flaming medal for having kept the house IDENTICAL to how it was when I left a week previously.

He actually ASKED me if I noticed any difference, if anything was out of order/line.

SO HE DAMNED WELL KNEW THAT HE'D BOTHERED WHILE I WAS AWAY AND LEFT IT FOR ME ORDINARILY.

Wouldn't mind, but he lived for months in the year alone abroad and did it all himself, but would moan if I didn't keep the place in showroom condition with a new baby.

It was only when i KNEW he could do it, but thought it was MY job that I really went off him.

I think the relationship (which was admittedly abusive) died that day. I never slept with him again I don't think, and it was the real beginning of the end for my putting up with his shit.

I know you're all absolutely right.

I'm reading every post and nodding along with it and I want to scream to myself WAKE UP!!!

I'm going to keep this thread in my 'watch list' and when the dust has settled I'm going to re-read it to give myself some fresh strength to say my piece!

I think you need to start a broken record system.
"Please put that can/crisppacket in the bin downstairs"
"Put the can/crisppacket in the bin downstairs".
Repeat, repeat repeat.
Even in grief he can clear up his own litter.
What happens at work? Does he live in mess there too?
He needs training up to think about you.
Don't conceal your unhappiness about this lack of respect.
Keep on at him till the light dawns.

People very rarely change and only when they are very motivated to do it for themselves because they want the result badly enough that comes with changing. It sounds like your dh is actually quite comfortable with the status quo and the discomfort of you being upset and complaining is lower for him than the discomfort of changing his behaviour and habits.

The two of you have different internal standards on what a tolerable living environment is like, so it's likely it will come down to whether one of you is prepared to give way and adjust to the other one's standards if you want to continue living together. And that's as much about can YOU live like that if he doesn't want to behave differently, as can HE keep your home and environment to the standard you need to be comfortable if you don't want to behave differently.

You can go down the chores list sheets and try structuring this for him, you can ask him what his solutions are and make it clear that no change is not an option for you, you can try working out a plan with him. You may need too to make it clear what consequences are going to inevitably happen if you can't cope with living in this amount of mess. (And many people couldn't.)

You sound horrendously stressed and with a baby this age you must be exhausted and at a very vulnerable time anyway. How much is this colouring things for you? Have you got support in place for yourself? Is your local Sure Start any good?

As an ex disgusting person, can i try and explain
imagine your house is a toilet cistern and the mess is filling it up, we all have a ballcock moment when we can't take anymore, according to dirty people you tidy people go off when the tank is half full, honestly they just are not seeing the mess as having reached important levels yet.

Bins are a good example, a messy/dirty person will think that because if they apply a 100ton weight to the bin and the contents squash down the bin isn't full, the other type of person thinks if the lid won't stay down without a weight the bin is full.

And the only way to solve this is to get them to agree to tidy up when you ask, you will have to ask EVERY SINGLE TIME and point many things out they have missed.

Or what worked for me (when after having a baby i became a much tidier person) was giving my OH a list of daily jobs to do that he HAD to do whether he thought they needed doing or not: so empty the kitchen bin every day, fill the dishwasher, wipe the surfaces, wash up any non dishwasher stuff BEFORE BED, and "no in the morning will not do as we wont have enough bowls for breakfast will we?"

and just note, you can only mention the jobs haven't been done when he is getting ready for bed, as you asked for it to be done once in every 24 hours, his time isn't up yet it is 3 hours to bedtime.

He has two rooms to himself in your house? Do you also have two rooms to yourself OP?

yes, the kitchen and the doghouse

The two rooms are his shit hole rooms - he doesn't use them for anything specific, just a place for him to dump stuff!

That's where you dump his stuff. Don't waste time on a box or bottom of a wardrobe. Whichever of his rooms you're closest to, open the door and throw in everything you've picked up for him. Repeat, until all his shit is in one or other of the rooms.

Do not do his washing/drying/ironing/putting away for him.

You have much much more important things to do. Look after yourself and your baby.

In my case DH doesn't lift a finger and never has in 18 years. He's quite rich and from the start said " I'm not doing any housework and I don't expect you to do it. I'm quite happy to pay for it but I don't want to ever be hassled about housework" I have tried and failed to argue with this attitude.
He's pretty teenagery and slobbish in his habits but relatively hygienic. I have tried and failed to change him.
If I ever chide him about being a slob he replies that I should get the cleaner twice a week if I'm not happy but he is not doing it. Simple as.
Just as well I love him to bits. Is it ok to say such things on MN?!

His MOTHER just died?!!
This won't happen regularly!
Do NOT put dirty dishes I his wardrobe - are you mad?!!
Leave it at least a MONTH ffs!
THEN deal with it as adults!

I would LOVE to have a husband to a iron shirt for.
I wouldn't treat him as an inconvenience! I'd take pride in giving him a nice evening, BJ etc.

kristen123 have you been on the crack pipe my love?

Kirsten, in the real world we don't wear kitten heels, fluffy negligees and pride ourselves on giving BJs to any loser who managed to put a ring on it.

I know you got dumped and everything, but there are still standards.

Housework is a joint responsibility. It isn't something a woman thanks a dude for the privilege of doing, just because she's so fecking grateful not to be on the shelf.

Have some self respect.

And fwiw, that mythical 'shelf' is a pretty good place to be, if the alternative is martyring yourself to some pig that keeps his crisp packets on the floor.

I agree with throwing everything into his room. Don't put it in your space, get it out of sight.

Out of sight, out of mind is the only way I can cope at the moment. Being expected to pick up and clean up after him all the time is driving me insane. I don't want to feel anger and resentment towards my DH because he needs me to be there for him because of his mom, and the only way I can avoid feeling pissed off is by taking the 'out of sight' approach.

I know his mom has just died but this has been going on for years and years. I'm going to wait a while before really 'having it out' with him, but for the sake of our relationship enforcing him to tidy up after himself is the only way I'm going to deal with my feelings for the time being.

twee ladeez name with numbers stuck on the end ?

yes, "she" has a very valid point to make