He promised he'd change, the baby is now here, but he hasn't. How can I make him understand how I feel?

[Writerwannabe83]

Me and DH got married just over a year ago and have a 3 month old baby.

We lived together for 3 years before getting married and he has always been a bit lazy. The housework was typically left to me as apparently he didn't see mess. Admittedly I do like a tidy house and maybe our ideas were different as to what constituted 'messy' so I tended to just get on with things. We had some HUGE arguments about housework and how he'd never do anything unless I nagged him but things never really changed. He'd tell me to stop doing the house work and just relax, but if I didn't do it then it didn't get done.

When I was pregnant I told him that I was absolutely dreading the baby arriving because I couldn't imagine looking after a baby but still being expected to do everything around the house. He promised me that things would be different and he would help out more but nothing has changed.

The house is a tip and he doesn't care. I'm pretty tired most days and when DS is asleep I'm running around tidying up and cleaning. When DH comes home he sits on the sofa, I hand DS over and then I have to start doing more housework. I just don't get a break. I'm sitting on the sofa now looking at the tip that is the living room and thinking about how messy all the other bedrooms are, and the kitchen and the bathrooms etc and I could cry. He would never think to do anything.

I feel used and that I'm just being taken for granted. I feel like screaming at him but it just seems so pointless.

We haven't had sex since the baby was born and I have absolutely no desire to do so. DH has started bringing this issue up and the reality is that I don't want to have sex with him because I feel angry with him. I want to feel like we are a partnership and that the house and the baby is a joint responsibility but I feel like everything is on my shoulders and I'm expected to do everything. Why would I want to have sex with someone who makes me feel this way?

I just don't know what to do or say to make him see or understand how I feel.

Sorry, you do sound rather obsessive about the housework; you tidy and clean while the baby is asleep and yet all the rooms in the house are a mess?
Your husband comes home, you give him the baby, and immediately start cleaning?
You sound absolutely exhausted to me; can you not let go of the housework until you feel better? There are worse things than an untidy house, (like a broken marriage).
I think you probably can't and that is where the problem lies

I don't think it's unreasonable to clear up after yourself even when you have just been bereaved.

He's been like this since you started living with him, so yes he's a prat and yes he needs to step up and take responsibility.

However I agree with others who've said a WEEK after his mum has died, might not be the right time to start.

You are physically and emotionally exhausted, the priority right now (in view of the bereavement) is go to your mums and get some support. Is he actually good with your ds? Trying to think whether there are any redeeming features.

Perhaps his mother's death will give him the shake up he so badly needs. Did his mother do everything for him & the family I wonder?
My DH never lifts a finger in the house. We have a cleaner every Friday and I don't mind (have come to accept) that I do everything else.
Things get messy with a baby. Limit yourself to doing one tidy a day, maybe in the late afternoon. Watch you don't have a touch of pnd.
A bereavement can leave an emotional tough nut a little vulnerable. Now is the time in my opinion to calmly explain how close he is to losing you and the baby. Best of luck OP.

He is fantastic with DS thankfully.

The reason why I feel like I'm always tidying is because DH is constantly leaving his shit everywhere. There are two rooms in the house that are 'his' and they are filthy. I started tackling one yesterday by throwing all the crap in the wardrobe but his other room is vile - I won't even go in it.

We also have separate bathrooms because I refuse to share one with him because of how dirty he lets it get.

The two relationships he had before he met me we were with women who did everything for him! He told me this the other month when we were chatting about exes.

I'm feeling much more sane this morning as DS had a much better night so I got a decent amount of sleep.

It felt so good to just rant on here and get if off my chest. Aside said, there's no way I'm going to bring it up with him now but I will see how he is once I get back from the holiday and hopefully address it then.

Good plan.

I do hope he listens when you get back and starts pulling his wait.

Your house sounds sizeable. Separate bathrooms due to mess sounds excessive? You deffo need a cleaner. If it's affordable get one sorted ASAP . He still needs to start cleaning up after himself though. You know, like an actual grown up.

We live in a 3 storey house. We have two sitting rooms (living rooms), the kitchen, three bedrooms, downstairs toilet. Nice sized en-suite in one of the spare rooms and then the main bathroom on the top floor.

The main bathroom is the one I use and he uses the en-suite in the spare room.

I spend my days wandering around the rooms picking up his crap - apart from his sitting room which I don't go in. Last time I properly ventured into it there was a plate of food on the floor that looked like it had been there for weeks!! I popped my head around the door yesterday as I was looking for something and I couldn't even see the floor for all his crap and crisp packets.

He would never think to sweep or wash the kitchen floor, or put some washing on or deal with the dry washing and he only tends to wash up if I nag. The only time the top of the oven is cleaned or the inside of the fridge is cleaned is if I do it. I don't use our microwave because of how filthy he has made it - he never cleans it afterwards. I can't remember the last time he did the polishing. The floor hasn't been hoovered in months as that's one of 'his jobs'. He would rather sleep in a bed with no sheets on the base or quilt and no pillow cases rather than actually make it.

That's what I'm dealing with every day!

He sounds disgusting. No wonder you don't want to have sex with him.

What a slob.

What Dazzle said.

OMG how awful. You are not neurotic or 'over tidy' sounds like he is living like a student who has just left home. And that is doing a massive disservice to loads of students. He is gradually making you cordon off parts of your house/kitchen. This is massively stressful. It is not sustainable. I can't believe you have put up with it so long. This could kill any marriage. Poor you OP

He had to ask me last night where one of his possessions was that he'd left in the living room - I told him it was in his 'box of crap' in the spare bedroom. Any clothes he leaves lying around will get thrown in the bottom of his wardrobe and anything he leaves around the house for me to pick up goes in his box of crap.

I woke up this morning to yesterday clothes scattered across the bedroom floor and an empty can and empty squash bottle on his bedside table - both of which will be put in his box of crap.

Only clothes in the washing basket will get washed - and seeing as all his dirty clothes are lying in the bottom of the wardrobe it means the amount of times I need to put the washing machine on will likely reduce

I agree with MyFavourite, no wonder you do to want to sleep with him.

That's the spirit Wannabe, if he will act like a child, you will act like his mother (and not in the picking-up-after-him kind of way). Good for you. Putting boundaries in place will protect you from resentment. This is what you need.

That isn't just messy, it's downright insanitary. For the sake of your baby's health, he must shape up or ship out.

Boot him out, put his crap/washing in bin bags outside, get a cleaner and start enjoying your life and your baby. Life is too short to spend it cleaning up other people's crap!

Or just stick with what you're doing. Good for you!

The problem I have is that I need a bigger box

If I had a lodger I wouldn't put up with this shit. Let alone a "partner"

Don't get a bigger box, do industrial strength black bin bags!!!

Why do some women think it is fine for their "partners" not to lift a finger? What is so special about them that clearing up after themselves and their family beneath them?

I think the most useful thing I ever learned from relationship counselling is that if an issue has been discussed a few times, and agreements to change have not been honoured, it is because the other person "does not want to".

It helped me see in a flash what I had struggled to learn for years- complaining won't help, trying to control the situation won't help.

Our counsellor even got my H to acknowledge the truth of it.

I understand that he's upset about his mother but he's still being lazy. How long will he be needing to be excused in case he gets upset?

Tell him either he gets a cleaner or you only tidy your stuff/baby's stuff.

Follow through with the threat.

And EAT!

For the first month after DD was born I did next to no housework. I was far too tired. I'm not that bothered about tidyness anyway but from time to time it does get to me. We now have 'tidy places' - e.g. toys don't have to be neatly away but they do have to be in a certain place. Washing doesn't have to be done every day but dirty clothes must be in the wash basket.

With the picture you're painting of cans, crisp packets, squash bottles, I'm wondering if your husband is Rab C Nesbitt?

I understand he has just lost his mum. But if you were going through a tough time, do you think he would rally round and ensure you didn't have to lift a finger and tidy up all YOUR mess? Probably not.

I had this with my Uni housemates. I went home for the weekend and I asked that for just this once, I could return to the house looking half decent as I was going through a tough time (they knew). I returned to a disgusting mess, because I had not been there tidying up around them, including a half decomposed chicken carcass on the kitchen side. I am a vegetarian, was getting morning sickness and I still had to clear it up because they wouldn't.

I realised then that they weren't just lazy and inconsiderate, they were selfish cunts.