He promised he'd change, the baby is now here, but he hasn't. How can I make him understand how I feel?

[Writerwannabe83]

Me and DH got married just over a year ago and have a 3 month old baby.

We lived together for 3 years before getting married and he has always been a bit lazy. The housework was typically left to me as apparently he didn't see mess. Admittedly I do like a tidy house and maybe our ideas were different as to what constituted 'messy' so I tended to just get on with things. We had some HUGE arguments about housework and how he'd never do anything unless I nagged him but things never really changed. He'd tell me to stop doing the house work and just relax, but if I didn't do it then it didn't get done.

When I was pregnant I told him that I was absolutely dreading the baby arriving because I couldn't imagine looking after a baby but still being expected to do everything around the house. He promised me that things would be different and he would help out more but nothing has changed.

The house is a tip and he doesn't care. I'm pretty tired most days and when DS is asleep I'm running around tidying up and cleaning. When DH comes home he sits on the sofa, I hand DS over and then I have to start doing more housework. I just don't get a break. I'm sitting on the sofa now looking at the tip that is the living room and thinking about how messy all the other bedrooms are, and the kitchen and the bathrooms etc and I could cry. He would never think to do anything.

I feel used and that I'm just being taken for granted. I feel like screaming at him but it just seems so pointless.

We haven't had sex since the baby was born and I have absolutely no desire to do so. DH has started bringing this issue up and the reality is that I don't want to have sex with him because I feel angry with him. I want to feel like we are a partnership and that the house and the baby is a joint responsibility but I feel like everything is on my shoulders and I'm expected to do everything. Why would I want to have sex with someone who makes me feel this way?

I just don't know what to do or say to make him see or understand how I feel.

Good move on his clothes.

Next is to find and hire a cleaner. Local mag? Google search. Get one. Now. Don't ask him, just do it.

Do you have family and friends nearby? Call them, go and see them. Go to baby groups. Make sure you get out of the house enough.

So he promised you things would change when they baby came along. Why the hell weren't your requests enough?

Tell him fine, you will leave the housework but who does he think will do it?

Stop washing, cooking, etc and see how long he lasts. Twat head.

But it seems you married a three year old so you might want to think about what to do next.

pomme, Op is pulling his crap out of the bottom of the wardrobe and I assume tidying it away nicely as she usually does

OP...are you sure you are not frightened of his reaction if you push this further ?

you have tried the "reasonable chats" and now if things are to change you are going to have to get a lot more assertive

would he have a problem with that at all

i am just picking up on some trepidation from your posts (the almost panicked remorse engendered in a bit of simple clothes-slinging)

Why are you hiding the fact that you've been crying? Doesn't he want/need/deserve to know if you've had a difficult day?

I am genuinely shocked at you not letting him see.

OP, this isn't about me but once I binbagged up everything I found lying around the house and simply threw it into the garden

No remorse, no regret, no fear I had gone too far, no pretending I was ok as I was not ok and the situation was not ok

It got the sharp, short message across at the time.

...and I didn't run after it to pick it all back up again

My ex woukdn't lift a finger. Im not a tidy person but i have dps who are ott with cleaning including my DF. I got brought up with a df who done the same housework as my dm. If she didnt do it he did. I haven't inherited it and dont spend all my life cleaning but the ex done non at all. In 17yr he never changed. He would watch the kids i suppose while i done it

My dbs are the same as my df. I think some men do it, others see it as womans work or can live in mess

I have no advice whatsoever, just some and a (((hug)))

OP, the world hasn't stopped turning because his mother died. Life goes on regardless, he still gets up each day and eats and shits does he not? i understand you don't think it's the right time to confront him but what you CAN do is stop being his slave.

leave his crap in the wardrobe, anything else of his i'd place next to the outdoor bin. DON'T say anything to him until HE mentions it, then calmly TELL him to pick up/clean after himself - and walk away. don't engage in any 'conversation' or argument about it.

when it comes to cooking, as of tonight - ask him to help you, if he refuses or doesn't do it then you cook only for yourself. don't engage in any conversation about it - just tell him he either helps out or feeds himself.

IF/when he starts taking responsibility for his own shit then you can have a conversation about being a partnership.

personally, i think he's a lost cause and you will never get through to him. i would suggest you stay at your mums to get some rest and a breather and start making exit plans. it's either that or allow yourself to be treated like a slave for the rest of your married life and watch your son grow up to be a selfish bastard like his father.

twizzleship = I suspect the OP would be to scared to do that which is a problem in itself of course.

Suggesting a cleaner may not help the attitude of OP's DH, but IME it solves the problem. Housework was the only thing DH and I argued about when I was newly married then pregnant. Due to a health problem I had that began 2 months before pregnancy, I was not able to do housework on the midwife's orders. DH tried but couldn't cope and we hired a cleaner. Issue was immediately resolved.

DH tried but couldn't cope

Does he have a physical disability ?

but from what the op has said about picking up his clothes etc, it doesn't sound like it's just the cleaning, it's picking up after himself, leaving crap all over the place, the day-to-day running of the house - a cleaner won't help with that

Its a complete waste of money though. I have 3 dds, live alone with them and work. I also have 2 dogs. I would love a cleaner to help as it does get on top of me sometimes but i cant justify the cost so have to suck it up and do it. A cleaner wont tidy up, a cleaner cleans so someone is still going to have to pick up all the clothes etc.

Tell your DH you need one weekend of help to get on top of it. Chuck out or bag up everything you haven't used. Be brutal and chuck out things you think you might use (realistically) you wont. Tell dh to create an ebay account and flog the stuff, i done it one xmas and made over £300. I had people in Germany buying dresses and people buying stuff like pink crimpers i had had in a bag for 2 years. I sold a load of toys and games. Most of the clothes sold as well.

once all the rubbish and clutter is gone its easier to stay on top of.

DH came home and saw instantly I was upset - he kept trying to hug me but I just pulled away. I don't want his hugs, I want his help. He knows full well that I'm pissed off and why. He saw that the bedroom floor was miraculously clear of all his shit and clothes but didn't ask where any of it was - I think he was too scared to.

He's now taken DS out for a bit and I'm just at home.

There so much tidying to be done. I can't decide whether to do it to prove a point or just think fuck it. The problem though is that it's me who has to look at the mess every day whilst he's at work whereas he only has to spend a few hours in it when he gets home. I call our home 'The Shit Tip' now because that's what it looks like. Being in it every day is driving me insane.

DON'T DO IT.

Go and lie down, read a book, have a bath (if its clean enough). Just leave it. What point would you be proving?

You do all the cleaning anyway and if he doesn't "see mess" then he wont see the tidy rooms as well will he ?
Just keep doing what you're doing, throw any stuff left lying around in wardrobes and cleaning and tidying only what you need to.

I'd go as far as to only wash your dishes (even if you have a dishwasher, do it by hand). When he cant eat or have a drink suddenly he'll figure out how to clean up.

When he eventually asks you can calmly tell him you've had enough and not picking up after him anymore.

Oh and I meant everything he leaves lying around, shoes, coats, boots DVDS and rubbish. All in a pile in the wardrobe for him to deal with.

Looking at it will just make you more depressed because your already angry about it. Text him and tell him to keep DS out for a while so you can start on it. Get a black bag and start chucking stuff out. I find once i start i cant stop. I had looked at mine for a week last week then just went for it. I felt much better once it was done. Try and get the mess cleared while everyone is out, once thats done it is easier to get in and do the cleaning. He wont help so you either both dont do it and keep on looking at it getting angry or if your going to stay with him make him take ds out and do it. There is no easy answer as you have told him and he is still not helping

And i agree. All his stuff just put it at his side of the bed, he might get the hint, if he doesn't at least its out the way in the bedroom

He can change.
Of course he can.
He does see the mess he just sees it as your responsibility so it doesn't trouble him.

If this is the only real issue in your relationship I don't think an exit plan is appropriate.

I don't think any game playing or hinting is the way forward either.

You have to be clear and consistent and calm.
Tell him you WILL NOT keep being the only person cleaning the house.
You do not want to and you are not going to.

You are not going to discuss it or negotiate.

He has to do his share.

Annoying as it is, you may have to spell out what that is. If he has never done it he probably hasn't got a clue. Do list of things that need doing daily, weekly and monthly.
Put it on the fridge.

Tell him its time he took responsibility.

to get you through the next few days OP, how about you get a box or large bag, throw all the mess in there and put it out of sight. Then at least you field of vision is clutter free.

I'm rubbish at housework, but of course I do it as the alternative is grim. And I'm a grown up. And I like it when my place is tidy & clean. I do find if things get a bit crazy that having just one room 'tidy' helps my mental state/stress a lot.

I would be on total strike if I were you, with daily bags of crap collated if necessary, and a bucket for his washing up. I wouldn't be cooking for him, washing clothes putting stuff away etc It may sound harsh/petty but at least I'd feel sane :)

I do understand that with the recent death of his M you may find it very difficult to be Bad Ass.

He's now taken DS out for a bit and I'm just at home.
You know he thinks you will be cleaning while he is out with DS don't you?

Do NOT clean up while he has a nice walk with the baby .

Get a bath, read a book, watch the tv. REST.

When he gets home how he is is relevant to what you do next.

And he can see the mess . he just doesn't give a shit about it or you enough to do anything about it.

AF did he have a physical disability

No, unless you count blindness to dust, mess etc. We both worked full time, I had a certain standard I required...his was much less exacting. It doesn't make him an ogre.

Rest OP - get some rest. You need some time to just chill. Have a bath. Don't lift a finger.

I actually think that now is a bad time to bring this up - I mean, he just lost his mum. That doesn't mean you can't be unhappy, but maybe avoid getting into arguments about this right now.

If you can't cope, tell him - but avoid getting sucked into an argument.

Stop clearing things away - yes it might drive you mad, but perhaps you can try spending more time out of the house? Go to your parents during the day when he is at work? That way you only have to put up with it for a few hours each day as well. You just need to get out and get some rest and away from it all.

The bigger talk can come later - he sounds like a lazy fucker, but that won't detract from his grief. Figure out a way to cope for a few weeks, but have a deadline at which point you will talk to him. Fuck holidays, fuck plans, fuck everything. Nothing will be more important than you talking to him at that specified date in your head. It will give you something to aim towards.

My husband has a severe physical disability. He still does plenty round the house.
Not as much as me. I am not disabled. I am not going to insist he does equal to make a point but nor am I going to treat him as incapable.
Ironically when he was younger, super fit and much more of a twat, he did fuck all.

It took me a while to wake up and put my foot down.

I think it often does. Its one of those things you can slip into doing without really realising it.