Does anyone remember? Things are pretty crummy now

[wavesandsmiles]

Links to earlier posts

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1813521-Waves-is-determined-to-keep-winning-now-that-Acrobat-has-arrived

My little acrobat is nearly one. This time last year his MN aunties were cheering him on. I've survived a year but things are tough. I have pnd which has been worsening, and was signed off work a couple of weeks ago.

My new job is very stressful but also Twunt continues to mess with my head. I cannot let go. He clicks his fingers and I'm like a bloody lap dog. I hate myself.

I'm not really eating anymore. I find it hard to smile. It feels like my children would really be better off without me.

What Jux said.

It's not you. It's him. What he is getting out of this 'relationship' is the joy of kicking someone.

Think of the school bully who wakes each morning looking forward to picking on someone shorter than himself in the playground. That is what school is all about for the bully. The bully is your ex.

Oh Waves, of course we remember you, I was regularly on your other threads. I've had several months completely off mn due to RL taking over. This morning I just clicked on the app and came straight to this board and you where the first person I thought about! I am so sorry to see that twunt the bastard is still around and messing with your head. Everyone has already said it, it's not you it's him, he is a horrible horrible man who likes to get his own way, he's been sleeping with you because he can and he knows it will keep you hanging on waiting for more crumbs of his 'affection'. It is like an addiction - you went cold turkey on no contact last year, you need to do it again.

Way back on one of your very early threads something you said stuck with me your daughter said "hurray no more daddies " when twunt actually left. Your little girl can see he's bad for you, you are giving her such mixed up messages you may be in danger of her following your lead and having very similar life experiences with men, not in relationship to her bond with you as her mum. I remember that your mum is not the maternal kind to put it mildly.

Please keep posting and please get RL support. Is the option of moving from the island still there for you?

I am so touched that people remember me and that so many people are giving me advice.

I do need to go cold turkey, difficulty is that Acrobat is here and twunt sees him weekly. I hate that. I hate that my little one has to spend time away from me. I didn't ask for any of this. And of course it means there has to be some contact.

He was so horrible to me last werkend. I asked him not to come into my house, that I'd be waiting by the door ready to bring Acrobat to his car. So his boys came flying into my house trying to grab the baby from my arms. I very quietly spoke to him about not coming into my house and he said to the boys "come on you have to get out waves is making yet more pathetic demands", marched down the front path and then, with Acrobat in his arms, yelled "you are such an asshole".

Then days later I end up having sex with him. My head is so so wrong at the moment.

I don't want to be setting such a terrible example to my children. I feel like a bad mother. Although they don't know about me and twunt.

Researching suicide is so unhealthy. I know I did the right thing going to my GP and I'm on medication and seeing a therapist and will be seeing a psychiatrist too next week.

I do know that twunt is a really horrible man. I know this. I just keep hankering after the fairy tale he promised me.

I lurked in your threads last year - dd will be 1 in 4 weeks

I'm so sorry, Waves.

I remember feeling overwhelmed that you were coping with pregnancy and other dcs alone - or rather WORSE than alone.

You're very brave and strong. I hope you are getting help with ex and pnd.

X

I'm so sorry Waves. I lurked on your threads too and was awed by your strength. You are an amazing women. He's a twunt and doesn't deserve to kiss your feet.

I think it is dangerous to think a man abuses because he is insecure. Way to make a woman think it is her fault and up to her to help him.

There is NO fairy tale with this man. You are in a horror story where his children are learning to be abusive to women.

I really wish you had taken that job in Scotland as you would have been well away from him then.

It is time to make a decision and stick to it. You have free will. Use it.

Yes, I don't know what fairytale this is, Beauty and the Beast? You seem to cling to some idea that the redemptive power of your love will transform him - if only you can love him enough? But the Beast was always a good person, it was just that Beauty couldn't see it because he looked ugly. Your ex is ugly on the inside.

Hello waves,

I haven't posted on your threads before so you won't know my name, but I've read them and often sent positive thoughts for you.

I want to tell you something really important. I think it might be the key to finding your way out of this.

You mention not being good enough for him. I believe that you feel not good enough, but that you have become confused about who you are not good enough for. It isn't him who needs to love you, it's you. Somewhere inside you there is a little girl who feels unloved, scared and not good enough.

What you need to do is talk to that girl and let her know that she is ok. That she is loved, and worthy of love, and good enough. When you start to feel sad, or when it gets worse and you feel the need to fall into his arms to make you feel loved, try instead to do this:

Close your eyes and think back to yourself at a time when you felt sad and alone as a child. Picture yourself and lock that picture into your minds eye, so that you can feel yourself back at that moment. Then imagine yourself as a girl sitting opposite you now. Go to the little girl that you were and hug her, tell her she's lovely, say and do all the things you do when your children need your love and care. That is what you actually need. You need to give yourself the help and support that no one else can.

This technique will help. It may feel weird and stupid at first, but it's a very powerful thing to learn to do. No one else in the world will ever be as strong a support and help to you as you yourself can be. And when you learn to love and care for yourself you won't feel that desperate need to be good enough for someone else.

Keep doing this every time you feel weak and sad. It will help.

I wish you all the best.

I think it is dangerous to think a man abuses because he is insecure
^^ This
Blaming his actions on insecurity puts him in a lesser role and could provoke feelings of protection and pity towards him. They're not helpful for moving on or breaking bonds. I also don't think it's entirely accurate to paint all abusers as insecure.

Thank you all again. I really will try to give little girl me some genuine unconditional love. I know that is necessary.

I've blitzed the kitchen today and feel pretty good about the results. Acrobat is napping and so I've just laid down for a moment to reflect. Everything in the kitchen that was associate with Twunt has gone in the bin. Except for the note that came with the flowers he sent me saying "Marry me, next Monday, 11am x" I couldn't throw that away.

My bigger two cubs came home with the most wonderful school reports. I'm so so proud of them. So I'm dragging myself out of the house to take them for a special tea. It isn't what I want, I'd like to stay curled up in bed, but they deserve it.

I want to be good enough for me.

the note that came with the flowers he sent me saying "Marry me, next Monday, 11am x" I couldn't throw that away.

No - don't throw it away. Pour lighter fuel on it and burn the fucker out of existence.

Great school reports, well done DD and DS1.

That's real, genuine, good memory stuff right there, not like that note.

Hi Waves. I remember your posts from last year and have often wondered how you're doing.

It seems that the enforced contact with Twunt is doing you no favours at all. Would contact through a contact centre be a possibility? Or could you drop Acrobat off to him each time, so that you have the control and he can't come in your house, or let his children in etc.

I very quietly spoke to him about not coming into my house and he said to the boys "come on you have to get out waves is making yet more pathetic demands", marched down the front path and then, with Acrobat in his arms, yelled "you are such an asshole" - what you wrote here is absolutely awful. Shouting at you with your baby in his arms like that. He will never respect you. Having someone else deal with him during hand-overs would be much better for you.

That message make me want to be sick.

Dear God this man is vile and you really really need to reread all your threads and get some help. Why are you keeping it? He doesn't want to marry you he wants to control and abuse you.

Note and flowers in the bin.

If WE all think you are good enough to care about when we don't know you why don't YOU believe you are worth a decent life and your children a safe and happy foundation?

Stay in, make a special tea but start putting yourself first instead of everyone else. Come on, you are strong. Start believing it.

I can't understand why you let him anywhere near your children. It isn't like he is a good father. They have the right to a decent one. None is better than a crap one.

I am being harsh and I am sorry for that. It comes from frustration at knowing all you have achieved and what you are throwing away.

Tbf, I don't suppose waves has much choice letting her ex see his son - they were married, if the laws are the same where she lives as in England, then he has automatic parental responsibility and I can't imagine a court deciding otherwise, no matter what mind games he plays with her.

But, yes, it is yet another example of just how grim he is. waves, I'm sorry, but I'd bin the note as well - I think it represents something romantic to you, perhaps it's part of the fairytale he promised you. But hanging onto it will just make you pine for the man you thought you were marrying. Perhaps you could get rid of it with a similar grand gesture - throw it off a cliff or burn it with a photo of him. It might make you feel more in control.

Hugs for you. I had to work very hard to learn how to envelope myself with love and acceptance the way I would my children when they're sad. It has helped immeasurably. You can love you better than anyone else can.

What I would do with that note is hug it to myself, then say out loud to that little girl: I know why you wanted that fairy tale to be true. I know that you wanted to feel loved and good enough and protected and safe. You don't need that from him anymore. From now on I will take care of you, and I am always here. I will never leave.

Then, when you feel ready and when you have understood what you have said to yourself, you must go and do exactly as the poster above said: you must burn it or rip it into many pieces, and throw it away.

You really won't need that fairy tale from him anymore. I promise.

Again, best wishes.

I think that note needs to be burned too. Symbolically. That fairytale will not be, would never have been with him.

Just out of interest, how come the boys were able to run into the house? You need to start putting up barriers to prevent them coming in - only people you invite should come in and no one should be able to rampage through without having had an invitation.

I notice the note doesn't say 'Will you marry me?' - it just says 'Marry me'. Like it's an order. Like you don't get a say.

What a prince…

I expect he thought it was romantic.

I noticed that too minniebar.

Waves- remember me? You were my first mn meet up! I still have your thread on my watch threads, and look occasionally to see if you've updated. I'm so sorry that you are still in that place.
I think it was Donkeys who posted that, in fact, you are plenty good enough! Good enough to be what he wants, which is a verbal punch bag, a sex toy, a skivvy -why would he possibly change that? He gets what he wants (you to kick at and sleep with) but all that other stuff, like being nice, or respecting your feeling, or even giving you affection - why would be want to do that? That would be slowing you some power in this 'relationship' and he wants all the power - over you.
You are BETTER than that. You are TOO GOOD for him. He is vile, awful, he despises you and always has. That is his failing, not yours. There is nothing YOU can do to make him a decent human being, he is too vile.

I agree with the others Waves. That note was an illusion, a part of the lie he created to reel you in. It was not and is not the reality of him. If you really must keep hold of it, then stick it away in the loft so you are not likely to see it and feel nostalgic about him. He really isn't worth it.

PMSL at that note.

Seriously?

That is the note of a man who is so far up himself there is no connection with reality at all. He is delusional.

And yes, you need to find a contact centre and witnesses for handovers.

This needs to be a priority.

He needs to be reminded that he is not God Almighty who answers to no-one and can treat you like shit under his shoe.

Involving third parties for the times when you and he must meet will accomplish that.