DH won't step up to make things financially less stressful for us as a family.

[KeepCalmAndLOLKittens]

Our DCs are 4 and 1. I would deary had loved to have been a SAHM until they went to school, but as the main earner in our household I had to go back, albeit PT, when DC1 was 4.5 months. With DC2 it was 9 months, but I was taking on self employed contracts from 3 months. Our financial situation has been insecure, complex and a huge worry to me for all of that time. I accept that I could have continued to work FT to avoid some of that.

I am now having to go FT in a new position. I'm sad about this and while I think my new employer will be ok, it's a big unknown and a choice I didn't want to have to make. I can't stay with my current employer as we left our beloved town last year to move 'home' because it was the more affordable option.

We have had to rely on financial and childcare arrangements implicating family as a result.

I have felt resentful than DH hasn't stepped up to improve his earnings or earning power in all that time. He has never even enquired about a new job, much less applied. In fact I think I'm the only one looking. He works FT in a job that he doesn't enjoy and which is quite stressful day to day. He doesn't need to bring work home at all however, but that's a big part of my job.

DH wants to be self employed in a field that I think is very competitive. He is doing precious little about it, however. He is very slowly doing some work for a friend of mine, and is blaming my home work for his lack of progress. There is some truth in this but my last contract finished three weeks ago and he has done nothing since then.

I'm presenting DH in a very bad light. He is a lovely dad. He absolutely does his share with the DCs and around the house. He can be a bit inefficient which is quietly frustrating to me, because the time he loses in being slow could be used for making some progress with his career or just having some time to himself, rather than having to find that relaxation time on top of faffing time.

I sound like a real cow, I know. I'm stressed, grumpy and fat - hardly a catch myself. But I'm fed up of the weight of all this being on my shoulders. DH sulks if ever we discuss it, and still doesn't do anything, so taking seems pointless. However I fear for our marriage if something doesn't change and if we don't start showing more respect for each other soon.

Anyone experienced similar?

Oh and we have to make this work. Out finances are so complex that we are stuck as we are until we can become independent (min 3 years).

I know how stressful getting a work lifebalance can be. Did you sit down together before the dcs arrived to discuss what the work arrangements would be between you? It really sounds as though you want to be a sahm and for your dh to bring home all the money. How does he feel?

After dc2 I went back to ft work and I had to adjust to the fact that dh was going to be doing the childcare that I had previously (he works ft but shifts) -I'm now the higher earner. Is there some scope for sharing out responsibilities between you differently?

You say you moved recently to somewhere more affordable. I get that you feel you're the only one taking on the heavy responsibility of financing the family but is part of the problem here created by both of you being trapped in some kind of financial hamster wheel because your living costs are too high?

As a lone parent with fairly high living costs I am constantly making the trade-off equation in my head whether it's worth sticking with the responsible, stressful, mildly antisocial job that lets me afford it all, or whether it would be better to downsize, do something more relaxing and spend more time with DS. So maybe I'm projecting.

I suppose we could scale things down further still, but I don't think we can reduce our outgoings much, even by selling and renting (I've already considered and discounted it).

I'm not asking to be a SAHM but I do resent having to go back FT while he does nothing different. In fact my earnings have been almost equal to his while working PT and taking on extra contracts at home. The discussions we had involved him making airy fairy declarations that all I had to do was trust him and wait. He hoped I would soon be able to stop working altogether (not what I was asking for but you get the picture. He doesn't seem to live in reality).

All the financial and childcare arrangements I mentioned involved my DM / family btw, until recently. My DM is now seriously I'll and finally MIL has agreed to help out a little. I know I shouldn't expect it but we has little choice.

Excuse all the autocorrect typos!

What would you like him to do? Have you told him? What realistically are your options?

If you have the higher earning potential surely do you think you need to accept this?

This competitive field he wants to be self-employed in. Don't you think that, if he goes that route, your household income is going to go down rather than up? And may not go up for a long time if it as highly competitive as you're saying?

I'm guessing a little here but does his unambitious/laid back personality annoy you in other areas of your relationship? Do you feel you're always the one taking the initiative, for example, with your social life, house moves and general decision-making? Do you feel you carry him more generally? Is the stress surrounding your DM's illness colouring your view.... a 'life's too short to put up with crap' feeling?

I think you're being a bit unfair, although it's hard to say without context. Why is your situation so complex? How did you get to this point, were they joint decisions?

If things are that dire, then both parents need to be working to maximise their earning power. So I can understand you being a bit frustrated with DH, but equally it would not be fair for him to work flat out so you can work PT.

Having two kids and being a SAHM is not possible these days for most people -- it may be hard to accept but if you can't do it, you can't do it and you need to let go of that resentment. It's all the things that brought you to this point that are to blame, really. Even if your DH tried harder there is no guarantee he would make enough to let you stay home.

I think this is far more about yours and his tiredness and exhaustion of having a 1 and 4 year old than about his lack of stepping up. I thought you were going to say that he wasn't working or something, actually he is working full-time. He's probably knackered when he gets in as I am working ft and hasn't much energy for doing other projects, especially as you say he is hands on as well with childcare/housework.

You sound resentful that he's earning what you do part-time plus your home work, but that sounds like ft hours to me. You are clearly angry you didn't have the choice to be a SAHM but very few people do- the evidence shows it's only the very wealthy and the very poor who stay at home. Everyone else does what you do, and it is relentless and I can see how the fantasy of having a high earning husband who allows you to say home is a powerful one, but actually you sound about pretty equal in what you contribute.

Why do you resent going back ft and nothing changing for him, when he is working ft? Would it be reasonable for him to want to go p/t too? If not, why not?

You have both fallen for some type of fantasy where he suddenly earns a great deal and you stay home. That's what he's ended up promising as that's what you want to hear, but it's not realistic- but why was he promising it? It is silly of both of you to collude in this fantasty- what you have is actually more realistic but sensible, both working, some flexibility in the future.

I think what I resent is that I have to go back FT because he hasn't made the slightest effort to get out of his dead end job and try to earn more over the last 4.5 years. If he had, I could have stayed PT. MY FT role is going to take me out of any involvement in weekday childcare apart from getting them up and bedtime. I really resent that. I just can't help it.

Yes I do have to make all the day to day, and longer term decisions. He is perfectly happy to just blindly carry on without anything changing. He doesn't think of cause and effect in the short term either - just things like the practicalities of arranging activities to fit in with nap times and things like that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not rigid about routines or anything else, but I do factor in all sorts of considerations when making arrangements. He just does things.

I am starting to see that my expectations are maybe unfair though. I married an unambitious man (and he's actually more successful in that respect than a lot of his friends). I need to suck it up and appreciate the fact tha I can resolve the financial problems in time, I suppose.

I would definitely be happy for him to work PT so that out DCs could enjoy the benefit of more time with parents / being picked up from school and not having to go to breakfast club, but his employer won't countenance it. It's not as if his poor pay has that benefit for us either.

You've already said he doesn't enjoy his job and finds it stressful, maybe he sees his job as secure and a change for him as taking a risk?

Why wouldn't he change otherwise?

I just don't understand why he won't change. It was originally a stop gap job after graduating, completely unrelated to his degree. He has been promoted but can't go further.

You have both fallen for some type of fantasy where he suddenly earns a great deal and you stay home. That's what he's ended up promising as that's what you want to hear, but it's not realistic- but why was he promising it? It is silly of both of you to collude in this fantasty- what you have is actually more realistic but sensible, both working, some flexibility in the future.

thenapoleonofcrime, on rereading, this is the perfect response. Thanks for the clarity.

"I just don't understand why he won't change"

Have you asked him why? Not in an accusatory 'why haven't you got off your backside and changed job yet?' kind of way but allowing him to articulate it honestly? A huge number of people end up settling for a role they don't particularly enjoy simply because it provides security or pays the bills. Applying for new jobs requires a particular confidence. Switching career mid-stream requires motivation, self-belief, self-esteem and a feeling of being supported. What's his background? Is he from a go-getting self-starting, entrepreneurial family or one where everyone aims for a 'safe' steady job and regular money?

You'll have to find a way to deal with the resentment. Big mistake to marry someone you know is unambitious and then resent them for not being Alan Sugar.

I feel for you. I have two friends in very similar sounding situations. Their husbands are nice, and in both cases good fathers however the women are victims of their own success in that their drive and hard work have meant that they have fewer choices than their peers when it comes to work life balance. Both my friends work part time (but almost full time) and take responsibility for everything else. If they didn't it would all fall apart. Both have moved to small homes, and that has helped but they are still both stressed and see people who do similar work to them having it a lot easier as their partner contributes more.

As an outsider looking in, I think both of them chose the wrong life partner. Both of them met their partner as teens, are capable and seem confident but have low self esteem at times - not sure that is all coincidence. Now they have children they make the best of it, and it is ok for them a lot of the time, they seem to have nice family times. I think both have made a conscious decision that it is best for their family for them to get on with it. I'm not saying that is best for you, just that I don't think you are alone.

It sounds like you wanted a particular set-up - an ambitious (or at least successful) DH doing the majority of the earning so that you could focus mainly on home life, supplementing the family income through PT work. Nothing wrong with that - but it would have been a trade-off and ultimately one that impacted on your career. Be wary of idealising that situation - perhaps it would be a better one for your family, perhaps not. But in any case - you haven't got it.

What seems missing in your situation is that, whilst you have been basing all of your career choices on the needs of the family budget, your DH has done basically whatever he wanted. He may not like his job but he clearly doesn't hate it enough to go and get another one (accepting that he may have a serious crisis of confidence about what he can achieve, plus fear of the unknown that keeps many people in jobs they dislike). Now an even greater risk has presented itself to your family finances, you've had to make a sacrifice to mitigate the risk, whilst he wants to increase risk further by moving into self-employment. (Although frankly is never going to get there at this pace anyway).

I think you need to spell it out to him as your resentment at juggling the FT work could grow into bitterness. Whose decision was it to move away from your previous town and employment?

Can he really earn more money elsewhere? I don't mean in his self-employed pipedream but in an actual job. Are the roles out there he could be applying for? If realistically the job he's doing now is the best way he can contribute to the family you have to cut your cloth to fit your purse; either you earn more or you learn to live on less.

But this needs to be based on both of you deciding that the family income will be [x], earnt as 90% him 110% you or whatever the shares are. This means that saving to go on holiday will take [y] months (or years) and to build up a buffer to shore up the risks of him going self-employed will take [z] months (or years). Likewise you want to cut your hours back to PT and therefore the family income needs to rise by a certain percentage before you can do that - and that's the start of a 5 year plan. Family's needs, your wants, his wants. All considered fairly and (as far as possible) dispassionately. But if you just soldier on without this conversation your resentment will grow and it won't help either of you.

With hindsight- did you plan for 2 DCs and what would happen with work /finances?
Was that a conversation you had?

His sulking sounds childish. Instead of allowing him to sulk what else can you do to encourage a grown-up chat about this?

If you walk away when he sulks then it's not going to change anything, is it?

First rule of counselling/ coaching: you cannot change anyone. You can change YOU.

This means that you have to change your response to his.

What is clear is that he doesn't seem to understand your needs and the pressure you feel by working. If he does, then he doesn't care.

So what can you do to change that?

You are never going to make him into someone ambitious and driven.
His idea of being self employed in a competitive field sounds like a fantasy- not a practical option. it's the kind of thing people would try if they had a good income and either had a year's income in the bank to fall back on - or they could start the s/e business alongside the day job.

If he is keen to start a business then there are plenty of business/career/ life coaches out there who can support him. But he has to want to himself!!!

He does sound apathetic- sorry. But staying in a job that is safe but not enjoyable is the sign of someone who is not exactly a go-getter.

I think the crux of this is how much he cares for you. If you feel worn out and stressed by working so hard and he is swanning around in a dull job that pays peanuts he sounds as if he is almost another child and you're taking care of him.

BIG chat needed and maybe some really serious stuff about the state of your marriage if he doesn't take your point.

We are in a similar situation re finances, basically due to due to having young children.

I have consciously accepted that the situation in regards to finances will be very tight for the next 2-3 years, and then there will gradually be light at the end of the tunnel.

I have had to surrender to this, as fighting to change things will not work for our circumstances and would lead to the destruction of our family.

But swallow why should anyone 'surrender' to one person in a marriage not pulling their weight?
It's one thing having to watch every penny if both of you are working hard, but it's not right if one partner chooses to sit back and not try to earn more which would make for a more equal balance in the marriage - in terms of effort.

To answer some questions: yes he's from a family that sees security and predictability desirable. Actually we have both exceeded our parents' jobs in a financial sense, so perhaps he does see himself as having already fulfilled his potential. I have worked in a managerial role in the past though and it really frustrates me, knowing how hard it can be to recruit competent and reliable people, that he doesn't appreciate his value.

By the same token, I am well aware of my own professional value. It has been relatively easy for me to find a FT post, simply by making myself known and available. Again I find it frustrating that DH doesn't put himself forward in any way. I do appreciate though, that that is a personality thing. Perhaps I'm coming across as arrogant here too, which is definitely something that DH isn't.

Believe me, I don't want the Alan Sugar thing either. A friend of mine is unfortunately married to a very driven and ambitious man, and that has not worked at all. I just want a bit of willingness to try and get us out of a difficult financial period that has stretched into years, without it all falling to me to make the necessary changes. Though I see that I have to and have done so.

so what's your next step?

It is frustrating because you feel that you are doing all the extra work and creating opportunities to improve your financial position. And in doing so, you have had to sacrifice time with the children. Many working mothers feel resentful that in order to function financially they have to leave their children.
And it is very different sacrificing time with young children then older children.

You are resentful because you feel that you are sacrificing more and improving things, whereas your dh isn't changing anything at all. That would annoy me too.
What would he do if you hadn't increased your finances?

The thing that strikes me, OP, is that at the moment you are doing the same as him. You both work full time.

Why is that unfair?

Why is it fairer for him to change jobs so that you can work part time?