DH won't step up to make things financially less stressful for us as a family.

[KeepCalmAndLOLKittens]

Our DCs are 4 and 1. I would deary had loved to have been a SAHM until they went to school, but as the main earner in our household I had to go back, albeit PT, when DC1 was 4.5 months. With DC2 it was 9 months, but I was taking on self employed contracts from 3 months. Our financial situation has been insecure, complex and a huge worry to me for all of that time. I accept that I could have continued to work FT to avoid some of that.

I am now having to go FT in a new position. I'm sad about this and while I think my new employer will be ok, it's a big unknown and a choice I didn't want to have to make. I can't stay with my current employer as we left our beloved town last year to move 'home' because it was the more affordable option.

We have had to rely on financial and childcare arrangements implicating family as a result.

I have felt resentful than DH hasn't stepped up to improve his earnings or earning power in all that time. He has never even enquired about a new job, much less applied. In fact I think I'm the only one looking. He works FT in a job that he doesn't enjoy and which is quite stressful day to day. He doesn't need to bring work home at all however, but that's a big part of my job.

DH wants to be self employed in a field that I think is very competitive. He is doing precious little about it, however. He is very slowly doing some work for a friend of mine, and is blaming my home work for his lack of progress. There is some truth in this but my last contract finished three weeks ago and he has done nothing since then.

I'm presenting DH in a very bad light. He is a lovely dad. He absolutely does his share with the DCs and around the house. He can be a bit inefficient which is quietly frustrating to me, because the time he loses in being slow could be used for making some progress with his career or just having some time to himself, rather than having to find that relaxation time on top of faffing time.

I sound like a real cow, I know. I'm stressed, grumpy and fat - hardly a catch myself. But I'm fed up of the weight of all this being on my shoulders. DH sulks if ever we discuss it, and still doesn't do anything, so taking seems pointless. However I fear for our marriage if something doesn't change and if we don't start showing more respect for each other soon.

Anyone experienced similar?

It does seem as if this situation has evolved- rather than being thought through.
Do you take some share of the blame for that?

Presumably you knew his earning power when you married him and then when you decided to have children?

Why has this come as a surprise?

I'm not for a minute saying DH and I got it all right- but I've only ever worked p/t since married. DH earns twice what I could ever even if I'd reached the top of my profession, so we made the decision that one of us would 'sacrifice' their career to bring up the DCs because DHs job involved lots of overseas travel and we have no family near us.

I had time with the DCs ( now adults) but in the meantime I did give up my main career. Now that DH and I are much older, he has had the benefits of the satisfying career, the company cars, the gold-plated pension, the overseas travel. I'm not exactly jealous but I never fulfilled my potential in my first career and made a sideways move into something else- self employed.

You need to be honest about what you want- because the grass is not always greener.

Are you resentful because of your job and the pressure or that he is not an equal partner?

Gertrude - that was my first reaction, too. But I think the OP has expressed it very well in her most recent post: I just want a bit of willingness to try and get us out of a difficult financial period that has stretched into years, without it all falling to me to make the necessary changes.

The problem isn't really who works FT but the fact the DH is being a passenger in his family and not a co-pilot.

Like Hickory, I wonder what he would have done if OP hadn't have stepped into the breach - or what he would do if some reason she wasn't able to, through illness for example. That would worry me.

The op has made all the changes. Her dh hasn't tried to improve their situation at all.
The dc have parents who both work full time. That puts a lot of stress on most familys.

totally get where you are coming from OP. The attitude of your DH is the same as mine, we are now separated mainly but not exclusively because of this. I sat him down 6 yrs ago and asked him to reconsider his position because I was completely knackered from looking after the DCs and being the main breadwinner. It was compounded by the fact that I couldn't leave him to do the bulk of the parenting as he would shout at them and try to do computer based work while looking after them which obviously created a lot of stress and tension all round. he would not accept my POV at all and continued insisting on the self employed low income route. There needs to be much more equality, either he agrees to be SAHD and sacrifices his career ambitions until the DCs are in school, or you reduce your working hours. Just be sure you are not projecting your guilt and unhappiness at not being a sahm onto him. Sorry if I've repeated anything up thread, haven't read it all, just wanted to say I know how you feel

This situation hasn't evolved at all from my perspective. It was always our understanding that he needed to try to increase his income. He just hasn't. And hasn't tried to, which is my main bugbear. I think if he had tried - hard - and failed, that would be different. But he hasn't tried at all.

And now the DCs have neither of us to do school pick-ups, drop-offs or stay at home with them or do things with them during the week in their toddler years. My job is very demanding. It will also eat into my weekends.

I'm trying to take on board some of the suggestions that I change my attitude, but remember I'm not expecting to be a SAHM. DH isn't able to provide any of the wraparound care that would make my decision to work FT easier either.

I hear what you say BUT you did allow this to happen rather than plan otherwise.
Did neither of you stop and think - either before your first child- or certainly after the 2nd- that something concrete needed to be done by your DH if you weren't to be the main breadwinner?

It seems odd that you are complaining now when the situation you are in was a result of choices- not something that was forced upon you ( both.)

Why did you not say no to a second child until your DH had shown more oomph about increasing his income- for example?

You seem to have pressed ahead without taking stock a couple of years back then blaming DH for your choices.

BTW I do sympathise with your situation. But at the same time you must see that you are partly responsible for it simply by not taking control of things sooner.

But you are expecting to work part-time, right?

Again, if your financial difficulties are so severe, how can you even be thinking either of you can afford to work part-time? You need to live in reality. Otherwise EVERY working mum who would rather be at home could be thinking, gee, if only my husband made twice as much as money, I could stay home. But that's not a very productive or fair line of thought.

By 'evolved' I think what was meant is that you seem to have landed in this position without any real foresight -- you seem surprised or upset at how things have turned out, but they were pretty predictable. Was the whole basis of your plan for staying home that DH would get a new job? In this financial environment, with his distinct lack of entrepreneurial flair?

These days there are many many people who would kill for a decent FT job, even if it paid relatively low (and if he's out-earned his parents it can't be THAT bad, like NMW). I think it's not really fair to say he's not pulling his weight when he does work FT, and you're the one who wants to stay home.

I think you should try to take the emotion out of it all and come up with a new plan based entirely in reality, what you're both honestly willing to do.

Some people will do whatever is most convenient for them, until their hand is forced. STBXH sat on his arse for years until I told him it was game over. He has since that time doubled his income. Strange coincidence?

Re-reading your first post, I'd like to know more about why your financial situation is complex and insecure, and how you seem to have gone from working self employed to now full time in a new job.

What financial choices and decisions were made that have now put you in a situation where money is a real worry and you have to work full time?

Have you taken on more debt than is reasonable?
Have poor decisions been made by both of you along the way?

You seem to be dealing with this symptoms rather than the root cause of the whole issue.

Well yes, we planned ahead in the sense that the plan was for DH to begin applying for either higher paid jobs, or parallel jobs in a sector where promotion was possible. He hasn't, so now it's Plan B, which is that I increase my already substantial hours. So the financial issue will vs resolved in the medium term because I have stepped up.

Re DC2: we have fertility issues and I am late 30s. Delaying wasn't an option.

I realise that when I begin my FT position we will be more or less where we started. It's the lack of any progress that makes me want to shake him. And our childcare situation has become a real issue. We are solving one problem but creating another, which yet again it's up to me to resolve.

So, I'm confused.

You left your 'beloved town' last year because moving 'back home' was more affordable. Did that not take some financial pressure off? Also, if the move meant you needed to change jobs, how is it possible he stayed in the same job?

I'm sure your situation is frustrating and disappointing. But it is real life. It can be very upsetting when we see the perfect fantasy life we hoped for slipping away. You are now faced with the reality of hard work, demanding young children, financial pressure and the loss of your 'beloved town' (though presumably you have gained some things with the move too).

at the moment, you seem to feel that all of the issues would be solved if he would behave differently / earn more. Is that really true?

Not easy to explain finances without outing myself. We found ourselves in negative equity and that lender wante us off their books but no-one else would touch us. We took perhaps poor financial advice. I'm not saying any more on that.

My commute since we moved would be untenable on a FT basis. The move has enabled us to live in a house which meets our needs, as opposed to a building site that we can't afford to do anything with.

Self employment has been in addition to employed work on my part. Doesn't earn as much and is irregular so FT is necessary.

Yes, all choices that we were both involved in. But I feel alone in doing everything I can to resolve them. However I have made that possible while my DH hasn't tried. It pisses me off.

We moved to the place he works and our families live. I have been commuting.

Give the man some credit! He is responsible, and goes FT to a job that is demanding, stressful and that he does not enjoy in order to contribute to the family finances. He's a good father, and pulls his weight around the house.

I suspect he's always been the same steady, dependable, hard-working person. Perhaps it is you who changed, as children have come into your lives? If you now want something different, perhaps it is up to YOU to do something about it. Stop blaming him for everything!

You wrote: ' I fear for our marriage if something doesn't change and if we don't start showing more respect for each other soon. ' Can you elaborate on how exactly he is not showing you respect?

the plan was for DH to begin applying for either higher paid jobs, or parallel jobs in a sector where promotion was possible. He hasn't

Was that really 'the plan' in that something he was signed up to/actively working on? Your earlier comment about It was always our understanding that he needed to try to increase his income makes me wonder how clearly understood this plan was. Did you ask him out right to start applying for new jobs before applying for one yourself? Or did you do it to spur him to action?

Planning and hoping are not the same things. (As many a project manager has discovered the hard way).

Why can't he go PT?

There seems to be a bit of a recurring theme throughout this - ie you found yourselves in negative equity. NE doesn't just 'happen' - it's often a case of buying a house for too high a price - as a mistake. As house prices have risen pretty much everywhere in the UK ( but not NI) I'm puzzled why you found yourself in that situation- and now blame someone else for that by having given you bad advice.

Like other posters I am also puzzled why downsizing- which I think is what you have done- has meant you are worse off rather than better off?

At what point was it clear to you that to remain afloat financially you would need to work full time, with a commute and possibly also take work on at home too?

Why- at that point- did you and your DH not sit down and make a plan of where he might apply for other jobs with a higher salary?

Was he not involved in this planning- or was it just something you assumed he'd do?

At the bottom of all of this seems to be a series of events fuelled by poor communication between you and a lack of foresight over the consequences of your choices.

Why don't you just talk to him seriously, instead of maybe nagging him- and get some real practical timescales and actions planned- eg he applies to 3 jobs a week and has a goal of moving jobs within 6-9 months.

Or is the problem all yours and one of resentment and he doesn't even know the 'problem' exists?

Agree with tribpot -- that is not really a plan so much as a hope. It leaves a lot of things outside your control. A plan would be: get a new job and then think about another DC.

At the risk of being insensitive, delaying is always an option. Sticking with one child is always an option -- we have one child because that's all we can afford. It's meant that we can get by with not having to both work FT at the same time.

I don't want to exonerate your husband though, because it sounds like he has not been honest with you or perhaps even himself, in terms of his actual willingness to change things.

Wow. Yes, of course it was an actual discussion we had, more than once. Obviously if we had never had those discussions it would be very unfair of me to complain about it now. It's just that none of those discussion (and they have not been constant, for fear of being interpreted as 'nagging') have ever translated into action. As I have said, he's never made so much as an enquiry about an advertised post.

As for how we ended up in NE, you're kidding, right? We haven't long recovered from a recessi

Oops. Recession. We were very naive when we first bought (several years ago) and made some equally naive decisions as a result. However, if I make the changes, as I am d

Oops again! As I am doing, we can resolve this soon. Unfortunately DH hasn't changed anything at all so it feels like it's up to me.

House prices didn't fall in the recession- and now they have risen by around 10%- but that' s by the by.

If he hasn't applied for jobs- why not? Have you asked him why?

What are you saying to him on a day to day basis about this?

You know the definition of madness don't you- doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result.

what are you going to do now that will be different?

I think you are being a bit unfair to be honest.

DP and I both work full-time. If he had a better paid job then I would be able to work part-time, if I had a better-paid job then he would be able to work part-time. But he doesn't and I don't and that's the way it is. We both work hard and do our best. Moaning about your husband not earning enough to fund your part-time working is coming across as a bit spoilt.

If has been useful to get some perspective on the situation. I feel clearer-headed as a result. Having revealed more than I think wise about our situation though, I think I'll let it sink.