DH won't step up to make things financially less stressful for us as a family.

[KeepCalmAndLOLKittens]

Our DCs are 4 and 1. I would deary had loved to have been a SAHM until they went to school, but as the main earner in our household I had to go back, albeit PT, when DC1 was 4.5 months. With DC2 it was 9 months, but I was taking on self employed contracts from 3 months. Our financial situation has been insecure, complex and a huge worry to me for all of that time. I accept that I could have continued to work FT to avoid some of that.

I am now having to go FT in a new position. I'm sad about this and while I think my new employer will be ok, it's a big unknown and a choice I didn't want to have to make. I can't stay with my current employer as we left our beloved town last year to move 'home' because it was the more affordable option.

We have had to rely on financial and childcare arrangements implicating family as a result.

I have felt resentful than DH hasn't stepped up to improve his earnings or earning power in all that time. He has never even enquired about a new job, much less applied. In fact I think I'm the only one looking. He works FT in a job that he doesn't enjoy and which is quite stressful day to day. He doesn't need to bring work home at all however, but that's a big part of my job.

DH wants to be self employed in a field that I think is very competitive. He is doing precious little about it, however. He is very slowly doing some work for a friend of mine, and is blaming my home work for his lack of progress. There is some truth in this but my last contract finished three weeks ago and he has done nothing since then.

I'm presenting DH in a very bad light. He is a lovely dad. He absolutely does his share with the DCs and around the house. He can be a bit inefficient which is quietly frustrating to me, because the time he loses in being slow could be used for making some progress with his career or just having some time to himself, rather than having to find that relaxation time on top of faffing time.

I sound like a real cow, I know. I'm stressed, grumpy and fat - hardly a catch myself. But I'm fed up of the weight of all this being on my shoulders. DH sulks if ever we discuss it, and still doesn't do anything, so taking seems pointless. However I fear for our marriage if something doesn't change and if we don't start showing more respect for each other soon.

Anyone experienced similar?

i don't really think you've posted enough about the financial side of things for anyone to make much sense of your position.

E.g. 'We have had to rely on financial and childcare arrangements implicating family as a result'

what does that mean? you've had to borrow money from family? or you can't afford childcare and are having to rely on family for childcare?

Have you had professional advice on your finances from anyone? are you sure your following the best course of action?

When was the last time your DH had a pay-rise? could he ask his existing employer for one?

I dont get some of the replies. OP cant feel resentment as she chose to marry him in the first place? Or she should be grateful that he is working fulltime? OP I hear you!
How do you think you can get your OH to listen and understand to your POV?
What would your desired outcome be?

Although I think you are being unfair in your dh I do get it op.
My oh and I do the same job so have the same earning potential in theory. We did have a financial plan before having children but over the last 6 years life has moved on and I have found I want to be home with them much more than I expected before I had them. We expected toneed cover mat lealeave but naively underestimated the longer term ongoing costs of childcare etc that goes with having children.
My oh twice has moved jobs during this time resulting in paycuts of thousands of pounds both times in order to have better long term options. Although I do understand his reasons and try to support him I definitely have days when I resent the amount of time I spend away from my kids so he can have the life he wants. Its very unfair and spoiled of me but I'm human and I'm bloody knackered and I can't always help it!
We have 3dc now but a gap between 2 & 3, trust me when I say you won't be struggling this much long term. One your youngest hits 21/2 or 3 somehow life gets easier because they need you less, you're less physically exhausted all the time and everything becomes more tolerable as a result.
You both have a lot on. If you can manage as you are for a year or two and he is a good father and partner to you in other ways I would really advise you to try to back off him a bit. long term it worked for us.

LOL at WI types wearing Boden

All the WI types where I am are 70+ and in per Una or Evans.

And all my richer friends married to the City types wear Armani and similar.

I've been lurking for quite a while, and this annoyed me sufficiently to register :)

In this world there are typically financial inequalities in relationships and when we choose a husband one of the factors is the ability to be financially okay. Sub-consciously you will pick someone who is better off than yourself. Not always of course, and not if you start a relationship when you are young with someone of the same age.

I'm stereotyping and generalising because you are not like this. But if you are the higher earner before having children, you cannot magically expect your husband to earn lots more money. If he was lazy, if he wasn't working then yes perhaps. But he has a full time job and works hard you say?

Did none of this cross your mind before you had children / got married? You are penalising him because you want a lifestyle change. It is awesome to be able to stay at home with our children, but sometimes it isn't possible.

Sara

what you can change about you is being 'stressed, grumpy and fat'.

How would you feel if he posted that you had let yourself go and he wondered why his DW didn't get her act together and lose weight?

Not the same issue but the principle is the same. ie- something that should be so easy is not happening.

Maybe find ways to deal with your own issues - stress levels etc and weight that are making you unhappy and then you will take the focus off DH for all your 'problems'.

It's really hard to be sympathetic towards someone who wants someone else to work harder so that they can work less.

I do however have sympathy for the negative equity situation and to the poster who implies this is impossible, you clearly don't know as much about the property market as you think you do. 41% of mortgages taken out since 2005 in NI are in negative equity for example. Just because something doesn't fit with your narrow experience doesn't make it untrue.

OP for another perspective your DH has maintained a steady income into the house whilst you have been working less hours than you could often in temporary jobs during a time of financial difficultly.

I get that you want him to be more ambitious but you sound very disparaging of the contribution he currently makes.

OP, if your DH feels he is doing fine because he earns more than his parents, you might point out that the rapidly rising cost of living means it is not enough any more to just do okay (unless you make cutbacks year on year). I picked up from your earlier posts that you are frustrated that your DH is not reaching his potential re work, as well as the money side. It is frustrating to live with someone so risk-averse they won't even consider changing job, but it is also annoying to live with someone very driven - I have a friend in that situation. I hope you can agree a way forward.

www.economist.com/news/britain/21583307-growth-back-many-britons-it-does-not-feel-it-squeezing-hourglass

Dooble There is no need to a) make assumptions on a poster's experience and b) you don't have to have experienced something personally to know about it, do you? I could be Mark Carney for all you know :)

This is what the NE stats were as of March 2014

negative equity

If you read this it says that 8 percent of mortgages/ households are in NE now- hardly the 41% figure you quoted.

Phiney that link is over a year out of date now- more recent figures show a much better picture.
But I do agree with your other points.

I think you are a little harsh and unfair here. It seems like your main complaint is that despite working full time he doesn't earn enough for you to be a SAHP.

You also admit that he is happy? and unambitious. So it is a bit unrealistic to expect him to morph into the next Richard Branson to support your fantasy lifestyle.

You both work full time and that seems pretty fair to me. The only thing unusual about this situation is that you are earning more than him where as often it is the man who is the main earner and therefore the main responsiblity and pressure to provide falls on him.

You describe his job as 'dead end', but there must be a reason why he doesn't look to change? Does he enjoy it, is he qualified for a higher paid job, does he have the confidence and self esteem to apply for 'better'?

I also wonder if self-employment would provide the stable high income you are looking for.... in some ways a crappy steady wage is better than the pressures of being totally self-reliant.

Agree.

OP- if you think what you have is tough then there is NO WAY you should even think about your DH being self employed- nor should he.

I am self employed in 2 jobs- one of which is highly creative but also highly competitive.
Sure, my earnings are in addition to what DH earns -we don't starve if I have a poor month- but I have to promote myself and my ideas to potential clients day by day- and I can tell you it's bloody hard work and can become demoralising too at times.

From what you have said of your DH there is no way IMO that he could hack being self employed if he likes job security and his salary was essential for your mortgage.

I feel I'm hogging this thread a bit so am going to back out for the moment- but I come back to my initial point which is 'who is going to work f/t or p/t or not at all when the DCs come along' conversation seems to have been missed in your marriage.

Slightly off topic OP, but this might give you some longer-term perspective. I worked while my DC were toddlers and early years. For a variety of reasons, I took two years out of work (bits of freelancing) when they were in school years 3-5 and 5-7.

It wasn't the same as toddler years, but it was just as special. I really got to know their friends and teachers and developed great relationships with other mums. I've now been back at work for 18 months and we've adjusted (mainly) okay. The time out made a real difference and, in many ways, I feel in a stronger position than friends who stayed at home until DC started school and then went back to work.

Are most posters deliberately misreading the OPs posts?

Op does not want to be at SAHP. She wants to stay in the well paid PT job she is already in.
She is pissed off being the only one having to make changes to work life to dig them out of a financial hole they BOTH got into. They BOTH have dcs. Why is it the OPs sole responsibility to have thought through finances before hand?

DHs boss is stopping him from going PT not the OP.

And it looks like it was discussed as part of the plan he would look for better work.

And as for no NE. Perhaps the OP should just tell their lender that there was no such thing and the problem will be solved

Working very long hours, missing your dcs and realising it is not for gain but to stand still must be soul destroying.
Especially as it looks like you are not 'in this together'.

However, the whole self employed thing sounds like pie in the sky and in short term disastrous. But as someone who sat for 10 years in a job I was not wild about because it was easier than facing possible rejection, I sympathise with yoyr DH. He is probably already feeling a bit thwarted and does not need a kick in the teeth. I only got a new, better job when i got made redundant but what really helped was the employment consultants who came in to talk to us. Apart from looking at our CVs they also had good and unusual strategies for job hunting. Would it be possible for DH to see someone like that to get outsude perspective? Does his alma mater do careers advice?

perhaps rather than pressure DH needs to see that there is nothing lost by looking and it can be done in little steps. E.g. brush up cv. Sign up for linked in see who gets in touch. Sign up to totaljobs or similar and just see which jobs are out there to get an idea of what he might like.

This isn't giving up his current job just widening his options. Define somr parameters fir what kind of job he would consider worth moving for e.g. PT, nearer home, closer to original career etc. I.e. a real incentive/improvement rather than necessarily just money.

Been there, done it.

I have always been the main earner and worked full-time through three babies. Did it piss me off? Yep at times. In fact I credit going back to work after my second baby while I had PND with my developing permanent chronic depression that is still with me 15 yrs later. It seems unfair. But it isn't. Not at all. THere were two capable adults in our marriage, only one of whom could potentially earn enough to keep us going. And that was me. Tough. THe children would be OK, we'd all be fed and keep a roof over our heads.

What mattered for them was having a stable home, loving parents and enough food to eat. Didn't matter who was home with them, for how long and when. Sometimes life doesn't look like the blueprint we had when we were younger but it's still OK.

pinkfrocks I said that 41% of mortgages in Northern Ireland taken out since 2005 were in negative equity, if you want you can look that up on the link you posted.

You said

I have family and friends throughout the UK and am not aware of any fall in house prices over the last 2 years.

Let's hope you're not actually Mark Carney.

Well said IrianofWay.

dooble

I covered the NI issue in my post way back at around 13.53pm

As house prices have risen pretty much everywhere in the UK ( but not NI)

So unless you know that the OP is in NI it's not especially relevant.

kind regards
Mark

I totally understand how you feel. I think some people are being very harsh on you.

Similarly we discussed careers and planned work balances before having our DC so that I could work part time and freelance which worked well. Things changed and I now find myself working full time with a small baby who I see for 30 minutes in the morning and not at all in the evenings due to commuting. It is very hard. My DH doesn't work at the moment as he was made redundant last year and after very half heartedly looking for a new role decided he'd retrain to offer more of a family life for our children. He's still not working though. I also was made redundant but networked, marketed myself and went out and was offered a new full time job almost straight away.

I feel bitter about this, a feeling I'm struggling very much to ignore. It isn't healthy for our relationship. Resentment is very high and I would love to find a way to just focus on the great things about our life. Lovely children, we are all healthy, have a nice house etc.

Best of luck with your situation.

pinkfrocks You're puzzled as to why the OP has found herself in negative equity? You posted a link to an article that states that half a million households are in negative equity, it's not a massive stretch of the imagination to assume that the OP is one of those households.

Realistically he's not going to earn loads more even if he does look for a new job is he. £10k max a year?

I think the problem is lifestyle. It's not your fault - you read every day in the papers about all the problems of affording a nuclear family these days. Why don't you decide to majorly restructure? Rent a little cottage in the country, you go p/t and do some freelancing from home?

It sounds like you hate having moved home, and that it's made you feel you're moving backwards and that husband is dragging you down.

Let's not get totally bogged down with the neg equity issue.

The reason I mentioned it was in the overall context of what the OP admitted to later as poor financial planning/ advice and she implied that they had made mistakes but also, as others have pointed out, lack of detail about what exactly is going on now- if grandparents have loaned money, if they are also providing child care, etc.
It's hard to see why moving house which costs a lot but more so if in a loss made sense unless the extended family are providing support.

I personally don't understand the timescale of why they moved when in NE - and supposedly to downsize- then this resulted in the OP having to work FT and not PT- I'd have thought they were better off.

I think that with more info the picture would be clearer and people could give more helpful advice.