DH won't step up to make things financially less stressful for us as a family.

[KeepCalmAndLOLKittens]

Our DCs are 4 and 1. I would deary had loved to have been a SAHM until they went to school, but as the main earner in our household I had to go back, albeit PT, when DC1 was 4.5 months. With DC2 it was 9 months, but I was taking on self employed contracts from 3 months. Our financial situation has been insecure, complex and a huge worry to me for all of that time. I accept that I could have continued to work FT to avoid some of that.

I am now having to go FT in a new position. I'm sad about this and while I think my new employer will be ok, it's a big unknown and a choice I didn't want to have to make. I can't stay with my current employer as we left our beloved town last year to move 'home' because it was the more affordable option.

We have had to rely on financial and childcare arrangements implicating family as a result.

I have felt resentful than DH hasn't stepped up to improve his earnings or earning power in all that time. He has never even enquired about a new job, much less applied. In fact I think I'm the only one looking. He works FT in a job that he doesn't enjoy and which is quite stressful day to day. He doesn't need to bring work home at all however, but that's a big part of my job.

DH wants to be self employed in a field that I think is very competitive. He is doing precious little about it, however. He is very slowly doing some work for a friend of mine, and is blaming my home work for his lack of progress. There is some truth in this but my last contract finished three weeks ago and he has done nothing since then.

I'm presenting DH in a very bad light. He is a lovely dad. He absolutely does his share with the DCs and around the house. He can be a bit inefficient which is quietly frustrating to me, because the time he loses in being slow could be used for making some progress with his career or just having some time to himself, rather than having to find that relaxation time on top of faffing time.

I sound like a real cow, I know. I'm stressed, grumpy and fat - hardly a catch myself. But I'm fed up of the weight of all this being on my shoulders. DH sulks if ever we discuss it, and still doesn't do anything, so taking seems pointless. However I fear for our marriage if something doesn't change and if we don't start showing more respect for each other soon.

Anyone experienced similar?

House prices didn't fall in the recession- and now they have risen by around 10%- but that' s by the by.

Except to say, perhaps not in your area!

You sound as if you don't like hearing things that are not wholly in your favour.

People are asking you what you plan to do next- and you are backing out.

Your choice though.

I have family and friends throughout the UK and am not aware of any fall in house prices over the last 2 years.

Your posts are confusing.
If you found yourself in neg equity through falling house prices then the sensible option was to stay put until prices rose- which they have now done.
But clearly if someone paid over the odds for a house then the price would eventually fall to the true market level, recession or not.

The thing that strikes me is that you don't seem to see this as a 'joint enterprise'.

Your DH works in a FT, stressful job that happens not to be well paid (as, for example, do I). He could, but doesn't, apply for more lucrative jobes (as could I) but perhaps doesn't choose to because:

• They are less secure, and he doesn't want to reduce his earnings further by becoming redundant at some point in the future.
• They would require much longer hours / much longer commutes than he currently does, and he is worried that will put even further stress on your household
• He is tired, and worn down, and lacks confidence that he could gain a new job even if he tried for it.
• He is worried that your job position is less than stable and reasons that 1 stable income is what is needed or
• Actually, he likes his job (as do I) and would not move to another simply to raise salary
• He may not regard salary as particularly important, and feels that he has already 'made enough progress' to feel, personally, that he has succeeded (he could become resentful that you don't see it like this - i would be furious with DH if he started saying 'well, you could be a middle manager in industry again, you're a failure because you choose to stay as a primary school teacher', for example)

I suppose what I'm saying is that many DH's of wives who have chosen to make less progress in their careers / stay at home / avoid upwards moves for family reasons could post exactly as you do. Perhaps the only thing that is unusual about your post is the 'reversed gender' angle. Why is it so much worse that a DH chooses to make these 'less ambitious' compromises' than if a DW does?

No, no I am taking it in board. My OP was a first world whinge. I realise that now. My solution for the time being is probably going to be I have another discussion with DH about where he goes, job-wise, from here; to use my extra salary to sort us out within 3-5 years, and - most likely - to put up and shut up. Really, it's complicated and frustrating, but it could be worse.

I think I've been fairly clear that I understand I'm being a whingebag.

Absolutely agree with guitar-girl's post, though. Why should he fund your PT working? Surely, given the info you have posted, you continuing to progress in order to fund him being PT would make more sense? Why aren't you presenting that as an equally attracrtive / viable option?

[DH and I earned almost exactly the same when DS was born. We discussed, very seriously, who should stay at home and who should stay in work.]

teacher - because it makes life less good for the DCs. We both wanted them to have a SAHP at least some of the time. That's all.

He could go PT as far as I'm concerned. He won't apply for jobs though.

The problem is that we would be financially no better off because my PT salary, topped up with extra work, is almost as much as his FT.

Anyway, I'm supposed to be letting it drop.

Great post above.

I am your DH at the moment, OP. I'm waiting to be posted in a job that i used to do 10 years ago. I still work in the same organisationin a fairly stressful job. It's paid reasonably well, i know what i'm doing and could do the job in my sleep. I know exactly what to expect, the team dynamics etc. However, the new job will be much better paid, massive potential for career progression and specialisms. I've missed it terribly and DH has always pushed me to go back.

I'm terrified. That i will fail, hate it, that i will miss my cosy rut and wish i'd never given up my current post - which i will not be able to go back to.

Maybe your DH feels the same. It's great idea - in theory. The lack of action would suggest to me that he's less keen on the idea than you and I certainly shut down any conversation with DH regarding rejoining until I was ready.

I really think that you need to bite your tongue and accept that maybe your DH has been agreeing with you to get you off his back.

To clarify i referred to Teacher's post

So you want to be financially better off AND have a SAHP?

Cake and eat it come to mind.

We saved all my FT salary for the 3 years we were married before DS came along to enable me to be a SAHP. It's one of those things that needs very significant planning ahead - and without it may simply be a pipe cream.

You're wholly unreasonable.you want to faff at home and he be sole earner,that unfair
Irrespective of whether you'd hoped/planned to not work,your family reality is different
Pull together as a team,stop being cross at him.and get on with both your jobs

There is a distinct lack of communication going on here with your DH.

But there is also a bit of the little girl stamping her foot saying 'why should I have to work FT when I want to be a SAHM or work p/t?'

Well- because you chose a DH who is not a high flyer? Because you pick up the slack in your marriage to keep it afloat financially?
You are living with the consequences of your actions/ your choices.

As someone else said, we had the reverse situation. I worked p/t and now I sometimes regret not having the career I could have had. I did it for the same reasons as you- so the DCs would have 1 parent around.
We've had to cut our cloth accordingly all these years. DH is well paid but we aren't rich. When I work out my lost earnings by only working p/t then I squirm!

So you can't have everything and sometimes there has to be compromise.

I don't think OP is against the idea of her DH going part-time to ensure the children have a parent at home for more of the time, but his employers (who he refuses to budge from) won't countenance it.

KeepCalm - I think most of us do appreciate your frustration in the situation. It's unfair that you're having to manage it all, it's unfair that you make what you think is a concrete plan and then nothing comes of it.

I don't think you should shut up and put up, although you probably do need to recognise the advantages you do already have. A DH with a stable, f-t job is something many of us do not have, for example :) But your marriage does not sound like a partnership at present, in that DH is not really owning the risks but coasting along in his own world. I do think it's worth pointing out to him that if you had not been able to secure a better paid role x, y or z would have happened. And it's not your job to keep pulling solutions miraculously out of the hat.

I'm terrified. That i will fail, hate it, that i will miss my cosy rut and wish i'd never given up my current post - which i will not be able to go back to

But truffle, what you describe is precisely my situation. I'm scared in case I can't make it work. I do also have my seriously ill DM to worry about too. However my DH isn't trying to change anything for the better.

A reminder - I don't expect to stay at home. I haven't stated at home. I described a scenario earlier that my unrealistic DH used to promise. I never said I believed him.

I'm not expecting one of us to be PT and still be better off either. If my DH went PT, while I went FT, we would stay the same, income wise, because my extra earning would compensate for his loss of it. However that isn't something he's prepared to do or look into in te same way that he hasn't looked into anything else.

Thanks for getting it, tribpot.

Working means missing school events,drop off/pick up.thats just how it goes
In reality you need to be at work,and that decreases ability to be at pick up etc
You don't want to work,but you need to.so stop being maudlin about missing things

pinkfrocks, I agree with you in this:

Well- because you chose a DH who is not a high flyer? Because you pick up the slack in your marriage to keep it afloat financially? You are living with the consequences of your actions/ your choices.

Meanwhile I need to go and mow/weed/paint outside because DH has taken it upon himself to start a game with the DCs that can't possibly be interrupted

No- you don't need to do it. You choose to do it. Just the same as with the other practical stuff.

Why don't you put your feet up and watch tennis or cycling?

Then tell DH to do it when DCs are in bed

keepCalm, why don't you join in the game and all have some fun together?

Then once the children are in bed, you and DH can tackle to outside jobs together. We used to do a lot of this 'you do X with the children, I'll do Y', but found that it was much better for our relationship with one another and with the children to, most of the time, do most things together at weekends.

teacher, we decided to have a lovely family day out yesterday. Today we need to get some jobs done. To be fair to him he is now fixing stuff

I think you are being massively unfair also.

I would sympathise if your DH was a scrounging, unemployed clock lodger who sat around playing the Xbox all day but he

A) works FT
B) pulls his weight around the house c) is a good dad

No wonder he sulks when you nag because I'm sure he thinks he is doing everything he can and that you will never be happy no matter what.

If you wanted a rich, City stockbroker type so you can swan off to WI lunches wearing Boden dresses then you should've married one. You can't blame your DH for being something he's not and some of the comments on here about him being lazy or whatever are downright false.