DH has done something lovely but I am furious with him about it. Can you help me articulate why???

[TeaFor6]

Brief background is we have been married 9 years, mostly very happy. 4DC DC aged 8, 5 and 6month old twins.

Previously we have always had at least 1 holiday abroad a year. With the (unplanned) arrival of 2 babies things are obviously a bit tighter money wise. So we agreed we would not go abroad this year but would do days out and maybe a long wknd somewhere for ‘holidays’. I can’t lie- I was a tiny bit disappointed about not going abroad. I know it’s a bit of a first world problem but I do look forward to getting away. But I didn’t make any kind of fuss about it and I am excited for what we do have planned.

Anyway, this morning DH sits me and DDs down and announces he has booked a ‘surprise’ holiday abroad. Due to fly in 3 weeks! He booked it over a month ago. I could just about get over him booking it without telling me but I am livid that he chose to tell me at the same time as the DC’s. I am NOT a bloody child. We are supposed to be equals, partners who make decisions about these things together. Surely I’m not wrong on this???

I KNOW he was trying to do a nice thing for me but I just feel so undermined and patronised! And he just doesn’t think things through. He’s booked us a villa. So has he thought about if its in a practical location i.e. easy to push a double buggy around? Close to restaurants/supermarkets? (self-catering of course, so will he be doing all the cooking/washing up? I doubt it) Are there things for the girls to do? Is the house practical with 2 young babies? No. He hasn’t thought about any of that. Nor the inconvenient flight times (fly out at 1am). Plus I will now have to cancel appointments for that week, and a party invite for DD1 that she had already accepted.

On the less practical side I’m upset because I would have liked to have some say in choosing the holiday myself. I love looking through brochures, choosing where to go and counting down the weeks until we leave and I feel a bit like he’s taken that away from me (very childish I know, but it’s how I feel)
I know some people will say I’m being ungrateful and maybe I am, but I suppose I’m pissed off because its just another example of him making a bloody great decision without discussing it with me and just expecting me to put up with it. (It's not that long since we had a big discussion about him doing this and I thought we'd got somewhere but obviously not. It's like he thinks my opinion doesn’t matter ) And it feels like he’s done all the fun bits on his own and just left me to think about the practical stuff as usual Plus it might have been nice to have the fun of telling the DCs together. Now he's SuperDad and I get no credit (again very, very childish I know)

I’m trying to explain some of this to him but I’m one of those people who, when I get angry and frustrated, I end up in tears It’s pretty hard to sound sane and reasonable when your voice cracks into a sob every time you try and say something!

Am I right for feeling like this? He just can’t understand why I’m upset and I feel guilty for being so angry when he really was trying to do a nice thing I'm just sick of always feeling like the miserable one who puts a dampener on everything. I don't want to always have to think about the practical side but somebody has to! How do I get through to him??

Yeah right. Wine and meal and a cuddle make up for being treated like a spare part. read the Puppygate thread, thegreylady.

Tea, I agree 100% with you and I agree with those who say make a list of all the practicalities and ask him how he's going to sort them! eg

"Darling, lovely to be having a holiday, but who's going to get the children up for a 1am flight/how are you getting us to the airport/are you doing all the cooking and cleaning in this self catering place/is the place suitable for young children?" etc.

If it seems OK to go make sure you treat this as a holiday, so tell him that you won't be cooking, cleaning or doing all of the child care (unless you honestly want to obviously). Make him realise the consequences of his thoughtlessness. He has form and it appears he'll only learn the hard way.

Combined with the puppy thing, the husband has form for being an inconsiderate knob - making himself look good with zero consideration for the OP. That's not a partnership or a good dad.

If he'd come up with something thought through and amazing then he could just about be forgiven for telling you at the same time as the kids, but since he's booked a completely inappropriate holiday I'd be bloody livid too.

He didn't want to do something lovely for the op. He wanted to do something for him and the dc. Ops role is to facilitate it.

With his history, I would be v glum.

Disengage from this holiday. Continue life as normal. If he wants to organise everything in time to go on holiday with two babies and two primary school children, bully for him, that's lovely. If he doesn't organise it, it's his own fault if you can't go.

Tea

First puppygate, now this. He's being Disney Dad again to his children.

This is really no decent role model of a relationship for them to follow is it; they're learning that he is the fun parent who gives them all this stuff and you do not; you do all the hard work behind the scenes. You are a bit part player in his play of life. His is the starring role and the rest of you are bit part players in his "Mr Tea is A Wonderful Dad" play.

He's the sort of man who will put your childrens names down for the highly selective and exclusive private school in your neighbourhood next and present that to you as a fait accompli as well.

Why on earth are you agreeing to fly out at 1am as well?!.

Honestly do not stand for any of this and if you do go on holiday make sure that the villa is completely child friendly. My guess is the pool has a deep end and is not fenced, its all tiled throughout and its a fair distance away from town.

Tea

What are your ILs like?. Your H likely learnt all this from one or both of them. If this is the case such is deeply ingrained and he is not going to change.

I was wavering a bit and starting to think I was being an ungrateful Bitch. (Just had a quick browse of some of the other threads on here, and I realise I am very lucky really)

But reading the more recent post I am feeling annoyed with him all over again!I knew the puppy debacle would affect peoples opinions. As some of you have said it shows that this is a wider problem than just today.

I don't know why he does things like this. It's like he gets an idea in his head and just runs away with it without thinking about any possible downsides. It's like having a 10 year old with access to a bank account (or his mums bank account ). It's funny, but when we first met his impulsiveness and ability to 'not sweat the small stuff' was part of what i liked about him. Years later, with kids, bills and responsibilities, it's less endearing...

That being said, I do genuinley believe that his intentions are good ( I know some will disagree). I think a lot of his SuperDad behaviour comes from guilt about working long hours during the week.

I've been looking at the villa online and it looks ok location wise, but there are a lot of stairs ( I know I sound spoilt complaining about a small thing like that when I'm getting a cheap holiday I'm really not trying to be negative!)

"With the op be stuck in a house with sweltering upset twins, while her dh has lots of fun with the older two?"

That is my fear. And will be a definite possibility if I don't put my foot down at the time

OP in reference to your earlier thought on whether to be angry at accepting a large chunk of money from his parents without consulting you first - yes. I would be turning the air blue around me. No matter how lovely they may be it always is something that is discussed as a couple first before accepting any financial gift from either set of parents. To me accepting money then creates an obligation and can put one in an uncomfortable position. We have accepted money from both parents and pil but not after extensive discussions between us first. For your dh to have done that and not asked you first is awful.

As for the holiday - it's a meaningless grand gesture for him to be the big man. I would have been upset too. My ex did this and it was as you say - just a thoughtless attempt to try and do a nice thing except we ended up on the holiday of my nightmares and was more stressful than anything else. Showed he never listened or understood. It's really selfish behaviour.

I read puppygate and just thought it was awful. I'd be evaluating your relationship with this man if he continues to place you at the bottom of his list of priorities or considerations.

If you said to him:

"You know that thing we talked about? Well you're doing it again." ...

What would he say, do you think? Would you be able to have a constructive discussion? Would that make him see your point?

He is a manchild at heart.

This holiday will cost you not because it is expensive. Its already got problems (you cite lots of stairs).

What about the rest of the villa, is it within reasonable walking distance of town?. Has villa got air con?. How will you all arrive at said villa?.
I would never ever agree to do a 1am departure to any destination without children let along with them; whatever possessed him to do that with 4 children in tow?. What has he said in reply to your comments and questions on this villa and the area in which it is?.

His impulsiveness (which has always been there) and is now partly driven by guilt at not seeing his children much doing the week is causing you and by turn his whole family real problems within it. This is more than impulsive; its acting without thinking about the consequences of said actions and it is selfish to boot. Do you want your children growing up thinking that all men should act like Disney Dads whilst they as women take a back seat in the decision making and do all the scut work?. That's partly what they are learning here and it will cause them issues in their own long term futures as well. You are really all the bit part players in his "Aren't I a good dad?" play. His is the starring role.

Tea - there are things you can do to make the holiday more acceptable.

Where is the villa? I would suggest you get DH to:

Get in touch with the villa company / find a private company and hire a massive playpen

Make sure there are electic fans and parasols at the villa to keep twins cool and in the shade when in above playpens so you can enjoy pool time when they are playing / sleeping.

Do an itinerary so HE knows what is happening on a daily basis and will be the one to facilitate it. Starting with the crappy flight.

Look at the villa and work out what you need. Airport parking, car hire, etc. Then make DH deal with it. Make sure he has paid for extra luggage.

Would you consider taking a relative or two to help out or would it spoil the holiday / be unaffordable / not have space? We just went away with PIL and it was great sharing the child care.

With a villa holiday, just do one massive shop on the first day and live off that for a few days, it's much easier than doing it daily. Depending on where you go, buy formula and nappies when there.

Considering that puppygate was in April & he must have researched & booked this holiday at the end of May, the effects of the serious talk didn't last very long

GoldenSands' line might be a good one to take. Maybe, as with an impulsive child, you need to repeat the message on a regular basis.

& definitely work out some strict ground rules before you go about what his responsibilities will be & how little you intend to do on your holiday

I would look at the flights he has booked to make sure you don't need to book seats together etc. sucks that you will both need to hold a twin the whole way.

You are not the one who is spoilt here OP.

Very easy to be impulsive and "not sweat the small stuff" when someone else (DM and wifey) are dealing with any negative consequences and doing the not-so-small stuff!

Stairs in villas are a big deal with small children IME. Does it have air con in every room?

A Conversation is needed here about how HE will plan things and do his share of the drudge work.

What do you think about the idea of letting him go alone? Or with his parents? You stay at home and have a break?

I can imagine how his sense of fun must have appealed at the start, tea.

But it could be that the only reason he doesn't sweat the small stuff is because someone ELSE is sweating the small stuff.

It's incredibly easy to be all laid-back and hey, why worry about life, if someone else is picking up the pieces. Making sure the children are fed, getting ready for the 1am flight, ensuring they aren't falling down the marble staircase, and that there is enough money to pay for this week's great idea...etc

This man booked a 1.00am departure, what was he thinking?.

What facilities does the villa have; is there a washing machine for instance?.

This holiday that he has booked could turn out to be you doing the same things as you do now (ie all the child rearing) only now with heat and 8 hours of continuous daily sunshine. If the children got sunburnt or tummy trouble I daresay that you'd end up dealing with those issues at the time.

A concern of mine would also be the pool; how deep is it and is it fenced?.

His lack of impulse control also indicates to me a total lack of respect for you and what you do in this household.

I have just read puppygate. I can't believe he has done this after the puppy saga. He hasn't got a clue has he?

He wants to go on holiday with the children? Let him. Wave them off and let him get on with it.

Sorry for not replying to everybodys questions. Thread is moving fast and I am feeding babies.

I mentioned the puppy thing to him earlier and pointed out that he was doing the same thing. He said "don't go on about that again" which seems unfair as I literally haven't mentioned it since that week!

wyrdyBird I suppose I do enable him a bit by 'sweating the small stuff' so he doesn't have to.

TheOneWithTheNicestSmile Thats a good point (re. time of booking) I hadn't thought of that actually

Taking someone else along is an interesting idea. I wonder if PIL might like to come (seeing as they're paying for most of it anyway!). They'd love a holiday with the GCs and i'm sure they'd help out. Although i'd feel guilty asking as they've paid! And I suppose it depends if they can get a flight. Hmm

"I mentioned the puppy thing to him earlier and pointed out that he was doing the same thing. He said "don't go on about that again" which seems unfair as I literally haven't mentioned it since that week!"

That was very passive aggressive on his part to say that to you and was also designed as a reply to shut you down. What was your response, if any, to his comment?. If you said nothing that was his intention. Note too there is no apology from him, no remorse nor even any sense of him taking responsibility for his actions. He wishes for you to be quiet, not complain at all and blithely go on full steam ahead as he has done.

If he had not done these things in the first place you would not be in the awkward and sorry position you are in now.

But it could be that the only reason he doesn't sweat the small stuff is because someone ELSE is sweating the small stuff

This. My father is exactly the same. We thought he was great when we were kids; we now all regard him with complete contempt and can see him for what he is: a useless manchild gambolling through life like a massive toddler.

OP, on 22 April, ten short weeks ago, you and MrTea (A-Team snigger) agreed "most importantly he needs to start backing me up and not making any major decisions without discussing it with me first."

You need to remind him of that.

I have a DC3 the same age as your DTs, if my calculations are right. When we went away for the weekend recently, food was a nightmare. Early weaning, pre-teeth, is hard work not least because getting the right kind of high chair is a lottery and the mess

I do hope you get the chance to enjoy your holiday after all the disruption and upset it causes you. But I do think you need to spell out in very strong terms that there are to be No More Surprises or you will apply to his boss on his behalf for three months' parental leave under the new rules. What larks! Spending lots of time with the DC! What's not to like?