DH has done something lovely but I am furious with him about it. Can you help me articulate why???

[TeaFor6]

Brief background is we have been married 9 years, mostly very happy. 4DC DC aged 8, 5 and 6month old twins.

Previously we have always had at least 1 holiday abroad a year. With the (unplanned) arrival of 2 babies things are obviously a bit tighter money wise. So we agreed we would not go abroad this year but would do days out and maybe a long wknd somewhere for ‘holidays’. I can’t lie- I was a tiny bit disappointed about not going abroad. I know it’s a bit of a first world problem but I do look forward to getting away. But I didn’t make any kind of fuss about it and I am excited for what we do have planned.

Anyway, this morning DH sits me and DDs down and announces he has booked a ‘surprise’ holiday abroad. Due to fly in 3 weeks! He booked it over a month ago. I could just about get over him booking it without telling me but I am livid that he chose to tell me at the same time as the DC’s. I am NOT a bloody child. We are supposed to be equals, partners who make decisions about these things together. Surely I’m not wrong on this???

I KNOW he was trying to do a nice thing for me but I just feel so undermined and patronised! And he just doesn’t think things through. He’s booked us a villa. So has he thought about if its in a practical location i.e. easy to push a double buggy around? Close to restaurants/supermarkets? (self-catering of course, so will he be doing all the cooking/washing up? I doubt it) Are there things for the girls to do? Is the house practical with 2 young babies? No. He hasn’t thought about any of that. Nor the inconvenient flight times (fly out at 1am). Plus I will now have to cancel appointments for that week, and a party invite for DD1 that she had already accepted.

On the less practical side I’m upset because I would have liked to have some say in choosing the holiday myself. I love looking through brochures, choosing where to go and counting down the weeks until we leave and I feel a bit like he’s taken that away from me (very childish I know, but it’s how I feel)
I know some people will say I’m being ungrateful and maybe I am, but I suppose I’m pissed off because its just another example of him making a bloody great decision without discussing it with me and just expecting me to put up with it. (It's not that long since we had a big discussion about him doing this and I thought we'd got somewhere but obviously not. It's like he thinks my opinion doesn’t matter ) And it feels like he’s done all the fun bits on his own and just left me to think about the practical stuff as usual Plus it might have been nice to have the fun of telling the DCs together. Now he's SuperDad and I get no credit (again very, very childish I know)

I’m trying to explain some of this to him but I’m one of those people who, when I get angry and frustrated, I end up in tears It’s pretty hard to sound sane and reasonable when your voice cracks into a sob every time you try and say something!

Am I right for feeling like this? He just can’t understand why I’m upset and I feel guilty for being so angry when he really was trying to do a nice thing I'm just sick of always feeling like the miserable one who puts a dampener on everything. I don't want to always have to think about the practical side but somebody has to! How do I get through to him??

Oh yes passports.

If they don't, I simply wouldn't mention it to him. At all.

Passports are things that the grown ups sort out and the ickle silly children who don't get a say in deciding family stuff don't have to worry about them.

And so if your twins don't have passports in time, you'll get to stay home, he'll get to deal with 2 children 24/7 in a self catering villa in the middle of nowhere for a week. Might be miserable and hard work for you with the twins, but likely to be pretty sht for him too. And it won't happen again.

"I suppose I’m pissed off because its just another example of him making a bloody great decision without discussing it with me and just expecting me to put up with it. (It's not that long since we had a big discussion about him doing this and I thought we'd got somewhere but obviously not. It's like he thinks my opinion doesn’t matter sad) "

Sounds like the OP has already tried to make it plain to her DH that "surprises" of this kind just aren't acceptable, as it's utterly disrespectful of her as his partner. He doesn't seem to have got the message. So all you lot saying "poor him, he'll never give you a surprise again" - fucking GOOD! Let's hope not, for the OP's sanity!

Yes the twins do have passports, so no problem there.

Thumbwitch 'Disney dad' is a phrase I've used about him before. He works long hours so when he does spend time with the DCs it''s always doing 'fun' things. That's great of course but it does make me feel a tiny bit resentful that he never seems to deal with any of the mundane, practical side of parenting.

Interesting that some people think I'm being ungrateful. I know I am really but I don't want to be if that makes sense! If he'd just told me at least the day before telling DDs I would be a bit happier!

We will go on the holiday. I won't disappoint the DDs and i'm sure we'll have a great time in the end. Maybe it's just the shock and i'll be happier once i've got used to the idea

I'd hit the roof.

I'd be pretty angry OP, especially if it was from joint funds and a relatively high value purchase for your household.

I'm a grown woman, so like to be involved in big purchases & diary planning. So in our house (no kids) a weekend away paid for by him would be fine, but two weeks paid for from joint account, not fine.

As mentioned, no kids here, but I can see why you would want to be told first as an adult. Telling you with the children seems a bit old-fashioned husband as head of household, rather than both of you as equal adults in charge.

It was a surprise! He couldn't plan it with you because then it wouldn't be a surprise. His parents have helped with most of the money for the holiday. He thought he was doing something lovely and instead of being happy you have thrown it back in his face and spoilt it. I would have accepted it for the gesture that was meant. To surprise you and treat you to a holiday because he feels you deserve it. Some things you have to just let go. He is allowed to do something like this for you if he wants to surely.

Jeez, some of you just don't get it do you? The OP doesn't like having big decisions thrust upon her, it makes her feel as though he treats her with no respect, she's had a discussion and asked him not to do it and STILL he does it again.

I don't see ANY reason to be grateful for that AT ALL.

My opinion still stands even though two thirds of the money came from in-laws. Presumably that's still several hundred pounds that you still need to find, for the holiday cost - and have things like airport parking and holiday insurance been factored in yet? Plus say £50 - £100 per day spending money. It's still a significant amount. Presumably if it's only three weeks away it's non-refundable, non-exchangeable, so you can't change or cancel.

I don't think he paid for it from the joint funds, his parents gave him the money.

He doesn't listen, does he?

Surprises only work if you know that the recipient likes surprises.

Doitforme - his parents only gave him about two thirds of the cost of the holiday, not including spending money.

Gah. Relax. Enjoy

This is puppygate again isn't it.

I would go loopy.

If he'd arranged the money and found the holiday (etc) and told you about it just before he hit submit, it would still have hit nearly all the superdad/provider/husband of the year buttons [eye roll] without the financial dictatorship, infantilism, misogyny, etc.

DH sometimes does this on a smaller scale - goes mad on a big curry takeaway when we're watching the pennies and trying to lose weight, that sort of thing. It infuriates me precisely because I'm removed from the decision making. I'd have suggested a steak meal deal at home, or Chinese, for half or less of the cost, without blowing my calorie count on food I don't like that much.

Agree with others that the passports will be a major issue. Even if they aren't, and somehow he does pull them out of his arse, I agree you have to step back from organising and let him suffer insist he do the whole job now he's started it.

If no money came from "family" money for holiday including spending money when there I'd be ok about it. But I dislike monetary expenditure concerning my income made without my consultation. Not a surprise, it's rude.

As you say, he is treating you like a child. Our teenagers have more say over our holidays than you, a grown woman, do over yours. He has gone back on what you discussed and has not talked to you about the offer from his parents.

I would not be grateful, I would be furious.

This surprise isn't about doing a nice thing for you - it's all about him looking good in front of the kids/other people and you get to pick up the pieces. I bet he's told all his colleagues what a great husband and dad he is too.

I'd be furious if I were you too. Agree that your OP sets out your reservations very clearly - can you use it as the basis for a note?

Lucky passports (why, though, out of interest, if you'd definitely decided not to go abroad?) but every other point still stands.

She. Doesn't. Like. Surprises. He knows this.

Gosh - I'd be delighted.

Even if I knew it was a lot of work for both of (holidays are - but DH shares equally in the load), I'd be so pleased that the DC could get away and have a lovely time, that I'd be delighted at his thoughtfulness and his parents' kindness

I hope you're DCs aren't picking up on this, it could be very confusing and upsetting for them.

I'd just think how excited DH would be at planning this and I could actually cry at the thought of throwing this back in his face and how sad for his parents when they have genuinely tried to do a kind and lovely thing. How awful they will feel about how this has back fired

Plus, I don't care how DH or I "look" to the DC re anything. It's not a competition.

I see your points re where it is etc but, honestly, I think I could put myself out not to spoil this.

I don't know, we've recently had some deaths and bad news with family and friends and its been a real wake up call. It's really made me realise how lucky I am to have DH and the DC and a kind and loving family (MIL can be a bit of a pain but she's stepped up recently). I just don't want to spoil my time with them unless it's a very big deal. This to me wouldn't be.

Sorry - I think I need to get off this thread. I'm finding it really upsetting

Ohhh boy. I think you are right but I can relate. At Christmas all of my jewellery was stolen including some I was given by my mother (irreplaceable) and wedding jewellery. DH sorted out the insurance claim. When the money came through he decided to spend it NOT on replacing my jewellery but on booking 2 holidays abroad without consulting me. He informed me this was happening as a surprise. I didn't want a holiday! (Just came back from very long one and also heavily pregnant so not wanting to travel).
But I had to be appreciative of this grand gesture- despite it being paid for with money that should have been replacing MY stolen jewellery
I totally agree with you. I think the reasons you have listed all make sense. Booking a family holiday is a joint decision. Fair enough if he wanted to wisk you away for a romantic getaway but it's not that.

What other decisions did he make without you?

I would also be really wound up about this.

Wow I'm really shocked that people think this is okay. I'd be really hurt and disappointed if my DH cared so little about my POV. He wanted the holiday so he went ahead and booked it without telling the OP because he knew she might say no. It's not lovely at all.

I can see both sides of this: I would also feel a bit undermined and micromanaged if my other half did something like this (chance would be a fine thing). And I understand why you feel a little patronised.

But I'm afraid I think making a big thing about it will leave a nasty taste in the mouth and make him feel very upset. A lot of planning and love has gone into it and it will feel like a real rejection if you keep on at him about it.

I think its perfectly reasonable to express to him at a calm point why its somewhat irritating that he's done all this without consulting you, but I'd also try to keep a lid on my anger and not blow it out of proportion. As someone who lives with a partner who would sooner eat his own hair than plan a surprise holiday for me, I also think you should hold onto a bit of gratitude that he is willing to do it in the first place. Not all men would...

He's a guy and they don't think about things in the same way as we do.

This is patronising, sexist claptrap. Even if the OP's husband doesn't think about things in the same way that she does (for non penis related reasons!) then she has made it clear that she would like him to think about her when making decisions, and he is ignoring that. Not because he is a 'guy' but because he doesn't really consider her feelings and is more interested in making a grand gesture than actually doing something she would like.