DH has done something lovely but I am furious with him about it. Can you help me articulate why???

[TeaFor6]

Brief background is we have been married 9 years, mostly very happy. 4DC DC aged 8, 5 and 6month old twins.

Previously we have always had at least 1 holiday abroad a year. With the (unplanned) arrival of 2 babies things are obviously a bit tighter money wise. So we agreed we would not go abroad this year but would do days out and maybe a long wknd somewhere for ‘holidays’. I can’t lie- I was a tiny bit disappointed about not going abroad. I know it’s a bit of a first world problem but I do look forward to getting away. But I didn’t make any kind of fuss about it and I am excited for what we do have planned.

Anyway, this morning DH sits me and DDs down and announces he has booked a ‘surprise’ holiday abroad. Due to fly in 3 weeks! He booked it over a month ago. I could just about get over him booking it without telling me but I am livid that he chose to tell me at the same time as the DC’s. I am NOT a bloody child. We are supposed to be equals, partners who make decisions about these things together. Surely I’m not wrong on this???

I KNOW he was trying to do a nice thing for me but I just feel so undermined and patronised! And he just doesn’t think things through. He’s booked us a villa. So has he thought about if its in a practical location i.e. easy to push a double buggy around? Close to restaurants/supermarkets? (self-catering of course, so will he be doing all the cooking/washing up? I doubt it) Are there things for the girls to do? Is the house practical with 2 young babies? No. He hasn’t thought about any of that. Nor the inconvenient flight times (fly out at 1am). Plus I will now have to cancel appointments for that week, and a party invite for DD1 that she had already accepted.

On the less practical side I’m upset because I would have liked to have some say in choosing the holiday myself. I love looking through brochures, choosing where to go and counting down the weeks until we leave and I feel a bit like he’s taken that away from me (very childish I know, but it’s how I feel)
I know some people will say I’m being ungrateful and maybe I am, but I suppose I’m pissed off because its just another example of him making a bloody great decision without discussing it with me and just expecting me to put up with it. (It's not that long since we had a big discussion about him doing this and I thought we'd got somewhere but obviously not. It's like he thinks my opinion doesn’t matter ) And it feels like he’s done all the fun bits on his own and just left me to think about the practical stuff as usual Plus it might have been nice to have the fun of telling the DCs together. Now he's SuperDad and I get no credit (again very, very childish I know)

I’m trying to explain some of this to him but I’m one of those people who, when I get angry and frustrated, I end up in tears It’s pretty hard to sound sane and reasonable when your voice cracks into a sob every time you try and say something!

Am I right for feeling like this? He just can’t understand why I’m upset and I feel guilty for being so angry when he really was trying to do a nice thing I'm just sick of always feeling like the miserable one who puts a dampener on everything. I don't want to always have to think about the practical side but somebody has to! How do I get through to him??

So it seems there's much more going on here than a surprise holiday. It sounds as if you discuss things with him, and then he goes his own sweet way. But because he's doing a nice thing, you feel you can't say anything.

I looked at the puppy thread, and it was clear he'd done the same thing there.

I also notice he does the fun, Great Parent things, while you are left with the work and practicalities. That isn't kind or caring. It doesn't respect your equal status as a partner either.

I'm not convinced he is as unaware of what he's doing as he makes out, either.

I suppose you could feel slightly relieved that you don't also have to sort out puppy care while you head off abroad...

Is no one else remotely bothered by the 1am fly out?! Why would you do that to yourself?!

YANBU I would be furious. Even before accounting for the fact this is the guy from puppygate.

You've stated to him - I don't like surprises and he still goes ahead... My next step would be to state wether or not your actions puppy / holiday are "controlling" or not I perceive them as Controlling Behaviour from you to me which I find very upsetting. Please desist.

pomme I guess it's relatively minor in comparison with the other stuff - it would just form part of the whole "thoughtless lack of consideration of the practicalities" thing for me.

I'd be incredibly pissed-off, OP, and would demand that we changed it to something more suitable and which I was involved in the planning and choosing of, or I'd refuse to go.

I get it. He's not treating you like you get a say, like you're an equal in the relationship, or even have much power within the family. He's treating you like a servant who has to smile nicely and go along with whatever her master decrees. He buys a puppy without thinking - and more, importantly, without caring - about what you would think, say, or feel, or about the fact that it's just adding yet more stress and work to your already heavy workloads as a mum to several children, including baby twins. It's the same with this holiday. He's not thought or cared about what you would really like, or what kind or holiday and accommodation would suit you, or about how much work or easy it will be for you, or about if it's right for the kids, and of course, he's certainly not thought or cared about you having any say in it.

It's also incredibly manipulative and infantilising to tell you at the same time as the DC. He's done it to make sure you have to grin and bear it, or risk looking like the evil parent. All of this adds up to him just not giving a shit about anyone else wants or needs whilst ensuring that he acrually looks incredibly thoughtful and caring.

It's all to make him look good, and also feel good. He gets a kick from planning it all and imagining how he'll be hailed as SuperDad and SuperHusband, and how happy the kids, at least, will be. He's sacrificing your needs, wants, autonomy, etc., in order for him to get a buzz frok feeling good abut himself. It's incredibly pathetic, controlling, immature and immature. You can'y be a true equal in a relationship with someone like this, because you don't exist as real person to them, you're just someone who exists to either help them in some way, or to facilitate whatever feelings and so on that he needs.

Terrible typing, sorry.

I have been puzzling how I would organise it for hours now and still can't think of a good way!

id be delighted tbh. I think you're really pissing on his chips

Respray his car purple as a nice surprise for him.

Decorate his office with Sylvanians.

Replace his shirts/ties/favourite mug with 'nicer' ones in a colour you might have conveniently blanked him saying he hates.

I'd be delighted but I also know my oh would have thought of those practical things you mentioned, flying times would be top of his list as he loathes plane travel with the children as it is. We are not going on holiday this year, would love to go in your place (with my family obviously :-)

Oh god, I remember Puppygate. And yes, you are right, he wants to be the fun parent without doing any of the practical stuff which enables the family to function.

Given the history, I don't think I'd bother to explain how it makes you feel. He isn't bothered about treating you as an equal partner, it clearly washes right over him.

In your position, I think I would make him responsible for managing the practical details of the holiday by telling him how much you appreciate the fact that he has decided to make all this effort when he chose to take charge of holiday plans. Tell him that you need to sit down together to discuss the things he needs to do in preparation for the holiday- make a list together of the appointments he needs to rearrange, the parent he needs to contact about the party, the details he needs to find out about the buggy and the shops and travel cots and bedding. He needs to start delivering on his promises- that means he deals with the details, not just the upfront show.

I'm with Kitties. Sell his car and buy a different one for him as a nice surprise.

... then announce it in front of the kids.

I am sorry, but he is being a .

The point is- he doesn't think things through. If he did, he wouldn't have got a puppy otherwise you wouldn't have been able to go on holiday with a 4 month old puppy, would you?

The second very obvious link is that these things all require extra work for you. My husband knows I'm busy, so the kind of surprises he does for me are things that make my life easier- takeaway, nice jewellery and so on. Your husband picks things which sound fun but are more work and more organization for you. I simply couldn't have got four children, two under 1 year on a plane at 1am to go self-catering, I would have collapsed with exhaustion.

This is not a 'nice' surprise where you get an extra hand in life, to make it nicer for you, given you've just given birth to twins. That would be a day off for you while he takes all four children out, that would be a cleaner, that would be an all inclusive holiday in a resort you would like so you don't have to cook.

Thats a selfish thing to do and to me it implies that the money is his not both of yours. But, it is a lovely thing of him to notice you need a holiday and i think you should try and appreciate he is thinking of you. My dh wouldnt even think to book a meal out let alone a holiday. Think of the positive side. :)

Have just looked at puppygate.

I think you need to stop taking the consequences of his decisions and make him take them. All of them.

Oh wow. I would be livid. Liv. Id. Is he trying to be The Hero? Is he guilt-ridden over something?

(My dad did these things too when I was growing up - puppies, trips, cars, etc. We found out later he was having an affair, had emotionally separated from the family and was utterly guilt ridden. He had these moments of guilt-based impulsivity and we would have these "surprises" sprung on us - over and over and over. I ended up with a brand new expensive sports car at age 15 - he didn't even think about the fact I did not have a drivers license yet. Surprise!)

What he did wasn't at all lovely. He knows damn well it's not what you would want and has made it difficult for you to protest (with the DC or GPs) and expects applause!

And he has form for this kind of crap and hasn't changed his behaviour on request?

If you do go, ask him to organise all the transfers, practicalities (eg child safety) and catering, ie deal with the consequences of his choices. If he gets arsey, you have even more of a problem.

Round, he clearly wasn't thinking of the OP, since she dislikes this kind of surprise and wishes to have a say in family expenditure and holidays, which he knows (or should know).

I used to work in travel and villa guests with young kids were always a complaint waiting to happen and my worst nightmare. No stair gates, marble/tiled floors and staircases, no fences, deep pools, infinity pools, I could on. Please get all the details from your husband and the check the villa spec.

He was impulsive and immature but not bad. He wanted to do something lovely, didn't think it through and got it wrong. I bet his delight is well and truly spoiled now, you are upset, he is upset and you are all off to the sun.
I suggest a decent bottle of wine and an easy cook but delicious meal and you both sit and admit where you went wrong (walk in one another's shoes) then have a cuddle and enjoy the holiday.